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Archives - Paul Williams - 1999-2001 See also: 'Bug' Williams August 1999 A Lucky Break? Clueless In
Genoa City? In daze gone by, Clueless went looking for Luan Violein's son Kimo. Luan was the old war-time love Jack Abbott fell in love with, had a baby with, claimed he would never love another woman and then married Nikki Newman! Again, Clueless failed miserably. It took the crusader Bug about four days to find Kimo in the jungles of Vietnam which Kimo's own mother had searched four years without success. Clueless went in search of Nathan Hastings when Hastings disappeared with little Nate but again was unable to bring him home. To be fair to Clueless, years and years ago, he did find Victor Newman's mother, with lots of help from Nikki Newman. However, he is one detective people would not hire to find the public library! The Clueless Detective Agency and Alarm Company appears to be thriving but how can it when Clueless is rarely on a job? Still, faithful secretary Lynn "Yes-Boss" Bassett works days and nights billing people. Now, Clueless and Katherine Sterling are going to India to find Brock Reynolds. Of course, they know the company for whom Brock is working so that should narrow it down. Will Brock leave his work to return to Genoa City? Will Katherine tell him about daughter Mackenzie? How many more kids does Brock have scattered around the world in all those third world countries? And lastly, how will Jill Abbott react to Brock's return? He was her friend, her only friend, back in the days at the Chancellor Estate when Jill acted as a companion to Katherine. Could they rekindle something? September 1999 No News October 1999 Trapped
Workers Rescued! No Word On Trapped
Villagers! November 1999 Oops,
Clueless Blows It! Loud Sex Cause
Neighbor Complaints! "What do you expect? They've been apart from each other for 90-days or so. It's only natural the Williams, or most anyone else for that matter, are going to get into some serious bumping and grinding when they reunite" building manager Larry Stilton said when asked if the condominium association has rules governing loud noise. "No, all we can do is ask the offending party to lower the volume" police officer Mark Tiller told the GCNews. "When I responded to the neighbor complaints it took Mr. Williams some time to open the door. When he did, I noticed rose petals strewn all over the floor and did hear loud grunting way down the hall before I got there but the noise stopped when I knocked on the door. Mr. Williams agreed to keep the noise down so I left. Williams only had small towel covering himself and was obviously still excited but he's in his own home. There wasn't anything else I could do" Tiller said. "I don't know why some of these people are so uptight" renowned author and sex columnist Elaine Sadisticvich who was visiting in an apartment nearby told the GCNews. "Sex is my favorite subject. But most people are embarrassed to talk about it, even with the person they are doing it with. Did you know men will go by a garden shop and point to the large cactus and say 'Looks like me, huh,' said Sadisticvich. "But women will never go by a donut shop, point to a glazed donut and say 'Hey, looks like me' so what's the problem here?" She added that masturbation, nudity, fantasies and fetishes will also become more mainstream in the years ahead. Fantasies, she said, result from people having less sex with other partners; there becomes a bigger need to do wilder things with that one person. If the noise disturbs the neighbors or otherwise is found to be offensive -- too bad! Forensic Psychologist
Consulted! But, when asked why he thinks the the so-called stalker is thinking in criminal terms, Clueless had no answer. Earlier at his office, Clueless and loyal puppy-dog secretary Lynn "Yes-Boss" Basset searched through Victoria Newman's fan mail until they had found a total of four letters from the stalker. Asked why four letters were needed Clueless again had no answer. Before anyone could say gum shoe, Clueless presented the fan letters in question to Dr. Bruce Cooper. After quick review, Cooper determined the letters are not revealing and advised Clueless to simply continue watching the person sending the letters. Not an easy task for Clueless since he doesn't have a clue who the stalker is. Never Fear, Clueless Is
On The Case! December 1999 Clueless Seeks Help! Not upset by the previous three letters, Ms. Newman suddenly became somewhat paranoid. Gosh Mr. Clueless, if somebody went to all the trouble to hide their fingerprints that person must be up to no good. Nodding his head in agreement, Clueless concluded he needs a second opinion. And not just any opinion but that of the Bug! Meantime at an undisclosed location, Victoria's fan was writing another letter. Bug Trouble Ahead? One thing is for sure, the Bug and Detective Clueless have been having sex like rabbits. Now, word is floating among some insiders there may be trouble ahead in the Williams' marriage. The happy couple have had their troubles in the past but from all aspects it appeared they were back on track and had even discussed having a baby Bug. Could it be the Bug has realized having a clueless detective for a husband wouldn't fit the new image the Bug is said to want? There have been reports the Bug will soon announce its departure from Legal Aid moving to Newman Enterprises full time. Dealing with problems of the poor is no longer appealing. The Bug wants in on those high-profile cases. Because Clueless supports whatever his wife wants it's unlikely the Bug taking a new job will be the cause of marriage woes. The only possible explanation would be -- a new man in the Bug's life - but who could it be? Repulsive, Dirty Sex Antics! January 2000 Threatened,
Gumshoe Sticks To Case! Sylvester informed both Clueless and Newman there is no reason to pick his client up for questioning based on some vague suspicion and promptly left Clueless' office. "Why didn't you shut up and let me do my job?" a confused Clueless asked Newman. Instead of telling Newman he's sick and tired of working on cases for him only to have Newman throw one of his tantrums, Clueless stood by like a fool as Newman threatened him. "You better find this sicko or I'll hold you personally responsible if anything happens to my sister" Newman bellowed before storming off. Even after being totally insulted and humiliated, Clueless refused to throw in the towel. He broke out his gum shoes and headed off to Prison Boys Auto Parts store where he asked the Wartman if he is the one writing letters to Newman's sister. "It's your job to find out ... why should I help you?" Wartman said putting Clueless promptly back to square one. Emergency
Interrupts
Festive Mood! Just as the Bug's great hope for the 'new century' was about to vaporize Webster walked in. As the Bug explained Tomas had not appeared Clueless' cell phone rang. A frantic and very goofy Nick Newman was on the line sputtering that something had happened to his sister. Clueless rushed off. Moments later the Bug slithered back to the bug nest leaving Webster and late arrival Tomas to enjoy the evening alone. At Newman Rocks, Victoria Newman was freaking out after finding a letter in her purse. "He's here! He could have killed me" she bawled as Nick and Sharon Newman hustled Victoria home to the ranch. During the long drive Nick should have told his sister it's her own damn fault another 'fan' letter was dropped into her purse for leaving it on the counter in plain sight but didn't. At the Newman ranch, everyone tried calming Victoria down. Nick sputtered on and on about beefing up security and hiring a personal bodyguard for Victoria when Detective Clueless appeared. "Would you please get me a plastic bag" Clueless asked Sharon before announcing the 'fan' letter cannot be read until opened at the forensic lab. Amazingly, Sharon knew what a plastic bag is. Suddenly, Nick blurted out he knows the Wartman is the stalker. Clueless reminded goofy he was told to stay away from the parolee. Not to worry, Clueless has a plan now that the stalker "is out in the open." That said, Clueless returned to the bug nest where a seductive Bug eagerly awaited another chance to work on their special "project." Back at the Newman ranch Nick instructed his sister to get her stuff. Victoria will move out of the main house and into the outhouse with Nick and Sharon because no doubt, she'll be safer. "I'm going to kill that guy" Nick muttered as Victoria waddled off. February 2000 Arrest
Due In Stalker Case! March 2000 Baldwin & Williams! Bad News April 2000 Stalker Has Inside Track! Totally Brain Dead? Clueless blew into his office and told his secretary he has a "hunch" who the stalker is. "Someone had to know the exact amount to come up with for bail money and may have wanted Ross [Leigh] of out jail to divert our attention into thinking he had evidence he wanted to destroy. That means the stalker is on the inside. Maybe right under our nose", Clueless declared without giving any indication who he thinks that person might be. Stalker
Problem - Impotence? "Just give him some time. My son is trying to accept his wife's recent career change. If he doesn't work something out his marriage may fail and I'll never get the grandchild I want", Mary Williams, the woman who gave birth to Genoa City's bumbling detective told the Genoa City News. Meantime, some residents at the apartment building where Dawson resides are filing complaints with the building manager. "There's something strange about that guy. The banging on the wall wakes me up at night and I saw him at the garbage shoot one day with a strange look on his face as he thumbed through a Hustler magazine somebody had thrown away. If you ask me, the guy has some sexual problem", tenant Al Stark told the GCNews leading to speculation Dawson's problem involves an inability to obtain an erection. May 2000 Clueless Detective Investigates Dating Habits Aerial Command Post Launched! After reassuring the whimpering Mrs. Nikki Newman her kidnapped daughter will be rescued, Clueless was seen inside the command post where he came up with the brilliant idea of putting two helicopters back into a rural area near Genoa City? Clueless admitted it was "risky" but his hunches have paid off in the past. Meantime, Mrs. Newman's former husband, Jack Abbott, appeared at the ranch after hearing news of the kidnapping on TV. After issuing his condolences, Abbott answered the telephone when it rang. Hello? Yeah, this is Jack Abbott. I'm one of Mrs. Newman's former husbands. You can tell me anything and I'll pass the news along to Mrs. Newman. The call turned out to be from the Genoa City Police which only called to inform the anxious parties there have been lots of crank calls coming into the police station. Detective Has Pangs Of Guilt! Stalker Tale Unravels! Meantime, Victor and Nikki Newman will be reunited by fear for their daughter’s life. "We see Victor and Nikki being drawn together in crisis, as parents" says head writer Kay Alden. Victor will offer his estranged wife strength and she in turn is happy to draw from it. The situation could potentially pull the couple together again. Victor’s current flame, Ashley Abbott, will privately offer her support, and understands Victor’s need to be with Nikki during these troubled times. Meantime, Nick and Sharon Newman remain unaware of what’s going on partly because of a malfunctioning cell phone. Clueless tries tracking down Nick, hoping he might be able to know where Dawson may have taken Victoria. Dawson doesn’t really want to hurt Victoria, claiming he truly loves her but he's going off the deep end, losing control as well as his grip on reality. Adding to Victoria's confusion, Gary rambles about his ex-love Gabrielle. "His past and present slowly begin to collide. He’s beset by memories of a terrible experience, and in this crisis situation, he begins to have difficulty separating Victoria from his former lover." As Dawson begins to fall apart before Victoria’s eyes, she realizes that she must use her limited mental and physical energy to break free. "She is tied-up, and part of the time gagged", says Alden. Nick finally finds out what has happened while he was away and rushes home to help. Nick suspects he may know where Dawson has taken his sister. Victoria’s situation grows even more perilous. When she is finally able to let out a terrified scream, will anyone hear? Clueless Hailed 'Hero' - All
Praise Clueless! June 2000 No news July 2000 SPERM - PRESENT & ACCOUNTED FOR! A doctor informed the couple it's a good thing they have been having sex whenever and wherever during the past year because most fertility clinics won't even talk to anyone who hasn’t been trying for at least eight months. Looking over the forms, the doctor noticed the detective was once involved in a car accident which left Clueless impotent for a brief time. A sperm count was suggested before proceeding. Clueless was taken off to another room where he was given an array of sexually explicit material. It took some time, but Clueless was able to manipulate his thumb and fingers just right to produce a sizeable sperm sample. "He almost filled the cup!", a clinic nurse remarked. After testing, the doctor reported a normal sperm count but made it clear Clueless will have to produce another sample next month. August 2000 Sore Boobs Equal Baby? Detective Tells All! Had Webster first checked with the Bug's office she would have known the Bug was in and avoided learning some very intimate information about her friend. Perhaps the only man in the world to reveal details of his wife's menstrual cycle, Clueless proudly told Webster that the Bug has missed its period which can only mean a baby Bug is on the way! September 2000 Tension Mounts! "It’s too soon. I’m only a couple of days late. I want to wait for a few more days," the grumpy Bug said. "This time we have symptoms and my mother gave me some advice. She's anxious to have a grandchild," detective Williams persisted. Before the Bug could comment further, Clueless' secretary, Lynne 'Yes-Boss' Bassett popped in with news of an emergency with a security system recently installed for a new client. Because Clueless' does not employ technicians to deal with the alarm systems he sells on the side, he had to rush off. Before leaving, Clueless made the Bug promise to wait for his return before taking the test. "I want to be with her when she takes the test. Wouldn’t it be exciting if we’re pregnant," Clueless asked. It's Official! The expectant father, detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams, was beside himself when the girl of his dreams announced, "Well Daddy, what do you want a boy or a girl?" "It happened! We're pregnant!", Clueless crowed and went on to say, "I can’t believe this. Should we start calling people? No, we should do it in person. I want to see their reaction. This baby is going to change our lives." The proud mother to be said the news of their good fortune will be officially announced at the RoadKill Cafe during a birthday party for detective Clueless. Bug Poops On Party! Roma's questioning was interrupted when Mary Williams asked, "Wouldn't you want to do something special to celebrate my son's birthday?" Roma said yes and scurried off to check on the Torta alla Pasqualina as Lynne 'Yes-Boss' Bassett, Nina Webster and Tomas del Cerro arrived. After dinner and the opening of gifts, the detective and his wife, Christine 'the Bug' Williams, stood up and made the grand announcement that they will be parents of a baby bug in nine months. "I'm going to be a grandmother," Mary Williams exclaimed and profusely thanked the Bug for making her proud. As congratulations beamed around the table the Bug stepped back slightly and looked at the surrealist scene. "So how about desert? You're eating for two now," Mr. Williams reminded his lovely wife snapping her back to reality. "If you don't mind, I want to go home," the Bug said causing a cloud of poop to fall on what otherwise had been a festive party. Love On The Rocks? The truth rears its ugly head when the Bug refuses to go to a fertility clinic. Taking a cue from Neil Winters, Clueless charges the Bug with putting career before family. Distraught, the Bug turns to Michael Baldwin for comfort. Like a knife stuck in his back and twisted over and over again, the pain is expected to cause Williams to leave town in order to sort out his confusion. Before leaving, Clueless leaves a note for the Bug in which he writes their marriage is at stake. Experience Of A Life Time "The guy kept pounding on the door so we let him in," a B&N spokesman explained when asked how Clueless obtained the books before the store even opened for business. People elsewhere we just getting out of bed having breakfast when Clueless returned home and saw from the look on his wife's face she wants another pregnancy test. Not wanting to pay skyrocketing prices for office visits at their regular doctor, Clueless called a local clinic and was not at all surprised to learn there was an opening in about thirty minutes! Before they could get away meddling Mary Williams arrived with her son's old baby bassinet! The elder Mrs. Williams noticed the Bug wasn't looking very happy and assured her that in time, the Bug will come to appreciate, "The experience of a life time". Detective Shocked! "All I could do was suggest they keep trying. Preferably in the bedroom and not on some office desk," Dr. Graziano told the Genoa City News. Mrs. Williams was seen returning to her office where at first she didn't want to discuss her personal life with law associate Michael Baldwin. But at the last minute, Williams confided she won't be having a baby, broke down in tears and fell into Baldwin's arms. His head pounding, Mr. Williams returned alone to his home and summoned his mother, Mary Williams, to give her the bad news. A Miscarriage? Seemingly shocked at the news, Roma, Nina Webster and Lynne 'Yes-Boss' Bassett shook their heads in sadness. "Was it a miscarriage," Bassett asked. Williams explained the pregnancy announcement was premature and not to worry. "They will be having a baby soon. I’ve never seen my son so committed," Williams said adding her daughter-in-law, "Will be pregnant as soon as possible." November 2000 Mama's Boy? Mr. Williams has repeatedly stated the most important thing in his marriage at this point would be for his wife to spend time with his mother cooped up together at a resort so that the two might mend broken fences. William's theory is that his mother, Mrs. Mary Williams, can convince his wife to have a baby even though Williams and his mother refuse to acknowledge Williams' daughter from a previous marriage. Convinced the time is not right to bring another child into the world, Mrs. Paul Williams is opposed to having a baby until she is ready. Mr. Williams cannot understand why his wife or any spouse wouldn't want to be forced into a stressful situation. Historically, it is nearly impossible for in-laws at odds to reach any compromise other than agreeing to disagree. December 2000 Bong In Hong Kong "I'm hoping to find time to beat the tea leaves so I can rustle up some of those juicy Pacific Rim customers," Clueless told reporters Tuesday and added current Clueless Detective and Alarm Company clients will be in good hands while he's out of the country. "We've got an array of detectives covering all the cases in progress with others standing by to take new cases," Clueless said. Alarm system clients will be serviced by the company's puppy dog office manager, Lynne 'Yes-Boss' Bassett. Clueless had no comment when asked why Pacific Rim customers would even consider a relatively unknown detective and alarm company from an obscure city. In the past year Clueless has not solved or worked on a single case and the last time an alarm system was installed or service could not be determined. Genoa City's super-sleuth will be accompanying crusading lawyer, Christine 'The Bug' Williams, and in between business meetings the two hope to resolve marital differences sustained when Mrs. Williams was unable and later said she didn't want to get pregnant. The arrival of a baby Bug would have appeased Mrs. Carl Williams who has been demanding her son provide her with a grandchild. January 2001 If He Had a Brain! Detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams proved again on Friday if he had a brain he'd be dangerous! When the super-sleuth informed the great Victor Newman he will be able to work on the surveillance case of Diane Jenkins after all, Newman suggested he get rid of the real detective Clueless had put on the case. Clueless pointed out that taking over the case exclusively would require removing the surveillance equipment installed by the other detective. With time a factor Newman agreed that Clueless and the other detective should work together and made it clear his first priority was to determine where Jenkins spent the holiday. Clueless did some checking but could only report back to Newman that Jenkins had gone, "south." Instead of blasting Williams for being such a moron, Newman took the news in stride. Not once did he suggest Williams contact the limousine company Jenkins hired to drive her to Kansas. February 2001 02.15.01 Clueless Takes
Case! Fearing former wife Diane Jenkins may return to Genoa City in the future to dig up the past, Newman Enterprises top dog, Victor Newman, hired the detective Thursday because, "Diane is a conniving devious woman. I need to know who was responsible for the sperm switch so I’ll know what I’m up against." In a related development, another of the many former Newman wives, Nikki Newman has stated she is certain no one will ever find out who switched the sperm. "I paid cash to the guy [Jack Abbott] referred me to and it went very smoothly." May 2001 Why I Became A Private
Dick! Discussing the Newman home coming party with his newest client, Williams told Isabella Brana on Wednesday that being grateful is something he's come to expect from his satisfied clients. "I was happy to do it. It's why I got in the PI business," Williams said of his edentates participation in the Nick Newman case. July 2001 Be Still My
Heart The Clue! Isabella 'Dizzy Izzy' Brana was worried. What if the man she hired to protect her from the dark side can't find a clue? "Will we be able to put this behind us and move on with our lives together?" she asked. Clueless was guilt stricken for a moment. He didn't want to talk about his personal feelings while Brana is still his client. Izzy knew how he felt. "You’re married. Are you getting cold feet?" she wondered. Clueless flip-flopped. Putting his inability to "cross the line" aside, he gave Izzy a massive load of his body fluid. Izzy loved the taste of chunky phlegm and wanted more. Unfortunately, Clueless waffled again putting business before pleasure. The drive to most rustic cabins is a long one but in a flash Clueless was poking around the shanty belonging to Brana's former husband. Whether he had legal right to enter the property didn't matter. After pawing through desk drawers and filing cabinets without success, Clueless hit pay dirt. Pulling back a rug revealing a loose board, Clueless pried away until he was able to withdraw a ledge and a photo album with the words 'Heaven Can Wait Massage Parlor' on it. Pleased with himself, Clueless thumbed through the album containing photographs of naked babes. His heart racing, something flipped the page. What he saw took his breath away. Dizzy Izzy was looking back at him! Man of moral fiber feels guilty! "I'm still a married man," Williams barked when the object of his deception, Isabella 'Izzy' Brana appeared unable to understand why the man, she encouraged to commit the despicable act of adultery with, had begun to waffle. "I should have talked to her first," Williams said of his wife as if Christine 'Bug' Williams would have given him permission to screw around if only he had asked. Her own guilt creeping up around her throat, Brana tried to rationalize the situation by telling Clueless his marriage has been over a long time and then had the audacity to say William's inability to put her shady past behind them is the real reason he cannot accept their feelings for one another. It's a sad day in Genoa City when a man - a term used loosely in Williams' case - cannot keep his pecker in his pants and his hands off other women. A real man, in love and committed to his wife and marriage, as Williams claimed to be, would never let a few months of separation ruin the love he and the Bug once had. October 2001 Epiphany strikes PI Williams exhibited all the qualities of an imbecile Thursday when he had to be told he's a PI. Showing up at the chaotic Abbott residence, Williams looked around and then remarked, "seems empty here. Where is everyone?" The idiot knew full well that family member Colleen Carlton had run away and that he had been hired to find the kid. Williams admitted he has his best men on the case and has even made the case his number one priority yet it didn't dawn on him that the family might be out looking for the runaway. After proclaiming he had come all the way out to the home only to report he had nothing to report, Williams was asked by Jack Abbott about his personal life. "I saw you at our party with a beauty. I thought maybe you were ready to move on with your life." Williams verified he had thought about moving on but things didn't work out with dizzy Izzy Brana and the former brothel worker left town leaving him in a thick fog. "Do I have to remind you. You’re a PI. You can find her any time you want to," Abbott stated. As Abbott's words raced around inside his pea brain, Williams looked as if he had been struck by an intuitive grasp of reality. Yes! I'm a PI. I am, I said. And no one cared, not even the chair. Office manager bombs again Thinking all three competing women in her boss' life were out of the way, Bassett made another move on the man she loves Monday when she brought breakfast to the office hoping it would hit the Williams hot spot. As the aroma of bagels, cream cheese and orange juice filled the office Bassett's heart raced. She was alone at last with the man of her dreams. But even before the first bite of bagel slid down her gullet, Bassett's stomach began to turn when she saw Williams' former wife, Lauren Fenmore, walk in carrying breakfast goodies of her own. Looking as if she wanted to rip the face off Fenmore's head, Bassett limped back to her desk like a good little puppy-dog. Rejected again, Bassett has yet to learn that in order to get Williams in her bed she needs to act like the type of woman Williams craves - a whore. November 2001 PI withholds evidence Besides the fact Newman's accuser has gone missing, a key in the case is video taped evidence the police know exist but haven't lifted a finger to obtain. The tape in question is in the hands of Genoa City's most bungled private detective, Paul 'Clueless' Williams. Williams made the one hour drive to the Newman ranch Friday to inform immediate Newman members he has seen the tape and it doesn't look good for Mr. Newman. "Let's hope the DA never sees the tape," Williams said. Williams better hope the district attorney never finds out he is withholding evidence and charges his ass with a crime. Preposterousness! In order to have obtained a traceable scheduled drug, Dennison would have had to have written Dr. Fiona Burns' DEA number on the prescription prior to presenting it to the pharmacy. In addition, unless she's a complete moron, Dennison would never have written her real name on the prescription. Since the tranquilizer Dennison obtained was not scheduled, the prescription would not have been entered into the DEA database. That Clueless has an operative with access to DEA computers is laughable. Even giving these goofs the benefit of the doubt wouldn't help because a search of the computer system for the name Dennison would not have resulted in a 'hit' either. After all the absurdity, Clueless still didn't have the evidence needed to prove his case. "Even if we get the results we need we still have to prove Tricia gave them [drugs] to you. How do we do that?" Clueless told Newman as he scratched his empty head. C'mon Clueless! You're the PI. Figure it out! It's my job! |
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