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August 30, 2010 -- And that's what I am - a victim. I may as well have the cancer too.

That's part of why I am so pissed off. Linda and I have waited all this time to be together; to get a new life rolling, and that goddamn cancer swooped in and stole our thunder. That's why I alluded to God earlier; what the shit are You doing? Why won't You you let me be happy?

And I get somewhat angry when people say they'll pray for us. It's too damn late for prayers. What's God gonna do, make the cancer go away? Give Linda her breast back? Damn it, I thought my crying days were over and here I am breaking down at just the thought of Linda losing a breast. That shouldn't happen to any woman.

I forgot that Linda was working Friday. For some reason I thought she'd taken the day off given the circumstances. I don't know how many email we sent about what's happening. I do know that I sent this message:

"What matters is that cancer will never be able to touch the love I have for you."

Finally getting to see Linda Friday night, she's looking her usual good self. Then she showed me where the breast is still bleeding from the biopsy. Again, I nearly lost it. There's something so unfair about this. We work all our lives, we get near retirement thinking we'll spend those golden years sitting on the veranda in our rocking chairs sipping lemonade, and then shit like this happens. Why can't we just die of old age without all the disease?

Incidental to what I'd already written for today, a few people have asked why I would subject myself to this again. Why would I want to be with a woman who is "damaged goods" especially when "you've only known her a few months"?

For one, it's not in my character to cut and run. How would I like it if the situation was reversed? For two, a few months is closer to a year of daily contact with Linda. Hours of phone conversation, an estimated 3,500 email, and hours of webcam chats. I won't leave Linda for the same reason I didn't leave Gail. I made a commitment. I pledged my love, something I don't do arbitrarily. When you love someone it's forever.

Then it happened. On the plane Monday night I made these notes:

SMALL VICTORIES

Somewhere along the line of cancer madness I remember being pissed off at God and as it sunk in that Linda would soon lose a breast, getting into the truck the morning following the devastating news, I slapped the dashboard. "Could you at least make this damn thing work again?" I asked God of the CD player which had stopped working nearly a year ago. For the many failed attempts I'd made a freeing a jammed disc, on this morning all it took was a touch of the reject key, the disc slipped out, and the player worked again.

In an email titled 'Small Victories', I told Linda what had happened because it was the one good thing to have happened in days, from my perspective that is. I recall having smiled more than once after that because I'd given God hell for not doing anything and here He was as if trying to do something, albeit small.

Hesitant to tell you folks of such things, I understand that not everyone believes in God. I'll often say I'm not sure there's a God because how could He possibly have time to listen to, or care about, what happens to me? Previously, I told you of living in Hawaii at a time where I was on the edge of Purgatory and had asked God to "please get me out of this place!" Within fifteen minutes of was just that - out of there!

Now there's this new story to tell which you may find difficult to believe. You might even think I made it up. It's the old tale of talking to God. I feared Linda wouldn't believe it, but I was out walking the dog early last Monday morning and asked Him why he couldn't make all the bad stuff go away. Linda and I have already dealt with so much death and disappointment so why must there be more? Shouldn't it be someone else's turn? Not that I'd want anything bad like this to happen to anyone else, well, except maybe Delta Airlines as punishment for their can't stop adding on, or increasing fees. I'm just saying these are examples of things you might talk to God about, or your dog, or a tree.

Latter that same day Linda popped up on the webcam with good news. The pathology result from the biopsy showed the lump in her breast is not cancer! It's something called a Papilloma. Linda will have it removed on tomorrow during one of those day-surgery deals where you get operated on and discharged the same day.

Try as I do to not cry, the tears poured out of my eyes. "Happy tears" as Linda called them as we both rejoiced that save for a final word from her surgeon, like having winning lottery numbers validated, Linda has pretty much hit the jackpot.