August 30, 2010 --
And that's what I am - a victim. I may as well have the cancer too.
That's part of why I am so pissed off. Linda and I have waited all this time
to be together; to get a new life rolling, and that goddamn cancer swooped
in and stole our thunder. That's why I alluded to God earlier; what the shit
are You doing? Why won't You you let me be happy?
And I get somewhat angry when people say they'll pray for us. It's too damn
late for prayers. What's God gonna do, make the cancer go away? Give Linda
her breast back? Damn it, I thought my crying days were over and here I am
breaking down at just the thought of Linda losing a breast. That shouldn't
happen to any woman.
I forgot that Linda was working Friday. For some reason I thought she'd
taken the day off given the circumstances. I don't know how many email we
sent about what's happening. I do know that I sent this message:
"What matters is that cancer will never be able to touch the love I have for
you."
Finally getting to see Linda Friday night, she's looking her usual good
self. Then she showed me where the breast is still bleeding from the biopsy.
Again, I nearly lost it. There's something so unfair about this. We work all
our lives, we get near retirement thinking we'll spend those golden years
sitting on the veranda in our rocking chairs sipping lemonade, and then shit
like this happens. Why can't we just die of old age without all the disease?
Incidental to what I'd already written for today, a few people have asked
why I would subject myself to this again. Why would I want to be with a
woman who is "damaged goods" especially when "you've only known her a few
months"?
For one, it's not in my character to cut and run. How would I like it if the
situation was reversed? For two, a few months is closer to a year of daily
contact with Linda. Hours of phone conversation, an estimated 3,500 email,
and hours of webcam chats. I won't leave Linda for the same reason I didn't
leave Gail. I made a commitment. I pledged my love, something I don't do
arbitrarily. When you love someone it's forever.
Then it happened. On the plane Monday night I made these notes:
SMALL VICTORIES
Somewhere along the line of cancer madness I remember being pissed off at
God and as it sunk in that Linda would soon lose a breast, getting into the
truck the morning following the devastating news, I slapped the dashboard.
"Could you at least make this damn thing work again?" I asked God of the CD
player which had stopped working nearly a year ago. For the many failed
attempts I'd made a freeing a jammed disc, on this morning all it took was a
touch of the reject key, the disc slipped out, and the player worked again.
In an email titled 'Small Victories', I told Linda what had happened because
it was the one good thing to have happened in days, from my perspective that
is. I recall having smiled more than once after that because I'd given God
hell for not doing anything and here He was as if trying to do something,
albeit small.
Hesitant to tell you folks of such things, I understand that not everyone
believes in God. I'll often say I'm not sure there's a God because how could
He possibly have time to listen to, or care about, what happens to me?
Previously, I told you of living in Hawaii at a time where I was on the edge
of Purgatory and had asked God to "please get me out of this place!" Within
fifteen minutes of was just that - out of there!
Now there's this new story to tell which you may find difficult to believe.
You might even think I made it up. It's the old tale of talking to God. I
feared Linda wouldn't believe it, but I was out walking the dog early last
Monday morning and asked Him why he couldn't make all the bad stuff go away.
Linda and I have already dealt with so much death and disappointment so why
must there be more? Shouldn't it be someone else's turn? Not that I'd want
anything bad like this to happen to anyone else, well, except maybe Delta
Airlines as punishment for their can't stop adding on, or increasing fees.
I'm just saying these are examples of things you might talk to God about, or
your dog, or a tree.
Latter that same day Linda popped up on the webcam with good news. The
pathology result from the biopsy showed the lump in her breast is not
cancer! It's something called a Papilloma. Linda will have it removed on
tomorrow during one of those day-surgery deals where you get operated on and
discharged the same day.
Try as I do to not cry, the tears poured out of my eyes. "Happy tears" as
Linda called them as we both rejoiced that save for a final word from her
surgeon, like having winning lottery numbers validated, Linda has pretty
much hit the jackpot.
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Brent's morning coffee courtesy of
Speeder & Earl's,
Burlington, VT.