Boy, dear readers, I sure picked the wrong week to
be on vacation in sunny Florida, because any sort of
gala event in Genoa City is a bitchy style
columnist's motherlode - and the Restless Style
launch party was no exception! I haven't seen so
many clustered fiber-optic whatchamajiggers since my
last trip to the Science Museum. And I certainly
hope none of the guests were prone to having
seizures, what with the strobe lights and flashing
jumbotron screens. It was nice to see underage
Porniel tossing back the champers with his mother
and estranged father right there in the room.
Strictly charming! At least Balki was creaming his
britches over the whole thing. What I'd like to know
is, what the hell does the rest of the warehouse
look like? It seems they've only renovated that one
room! It's like buying a whole house and living in
the garage if you ask me. These people are utter
morons. I guess their party was declared a success,
which means they didn't run out of boxed wine and
store-bought Chex mix.
Sharon, Phyllis and Victoria all showed up in tight
sheaths, and I do mean TIGHT. Ladies, if the fabric
is visibly straining against your thighs and I can
see every detail of your ass pimples through the
fabric, it's time to go up a size or three. Phyllis
stopped over at PetCo and bought herself one of
those cute little pointy collars you can put on your
cat to make him look businesslike. Sharon was the
Lady In Red, and her dress was fine, but I honestly
don't know how many more times I can bring myself to
type the words PLEASE DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR FLAPPY
HAIR before I end up voluntarily committing myself
to the Funny Farm for a relaxing getaway involving
lots of fun, experimental medications. Victoria's
dress was a pale shade of Blah that did nothing for
her, and her ponytail would have been more
appropriate for a tennis match than a party, but
what do I expect from a millionaire who wears her
limp hair pulled back in a plastic clip from the
dollar store?
Ashley paid a visit from L.A. in a metallic gold
tent with a low draped back that looked absolutely
hideous with her coloring. Who told her that
straw-blonde was a good idea? Her hair is way more
fried than any food-on-a-stick at the Minnesota
State Fair, and her bangs look unkempt and
unflattering. That glittering gunny sack could have
been slightly better with her old light-brown hair
but man, she looks absolutely jaundiced these days.
If she stood against a yellow curtain she'd be
invisible.
I don't know what happened to Jill's fashion sense
last week, but I couldn't understand her knee-length
cobalt blue sparkly tunic with the billowing
sleeves, worn over boring black pants. Talk about
dumpy! She was drowning in that thing, and the
ballet neckline did nothing for her. Poor Jill! She
wasn't even allowed to wear several strands of forks
or ball bearings around her neck like she usually
does. Her hair and makeup looked terrific, so I
don't know how she got stuck with that oversized
wreck of a top.
Speaking of oversized, is Sabrina capable of wearing
anything that remotely fits her body? Her dress for
the party was floppy, shapeless and high-necked, and
her posture was awful, too. I'm sure she has a very
lithe figure but we'd never know it in the dowdy
crap she hides behind. I can only guess that this is
meant to convey European-ness or something. Half the
tits in Genoa City are regularly on display, but
sophisticated and demure Sabrina wears a variety of
designer burkas. What a dainty flower she is.
Victor apparently thought of her as such when he
barged in on her babysitting stint to demonstrate
his mad sniffing skillz and impress her with the
fact that he chooses to wear his Burlington Coat
Factory leather Penis Compensation jacket all
through her dinner of Orange-Caper Surprise, which
sounded disgusting. She might as well have announced
she was making taco-raisin salad or Ranch-flavored
oatmeal if you ask me. Watching those two make
goo-goo eyes over the table was enough to make me
long to return to the stupid launch party and Lily's
couture dress.
Oy, Lily. Readers, if I know one thing about fashion
- and I may in fact know exactly one thing - it's
that you don't take an off-white strapless couture
dress and wear it with a black bra showing! Whose
bright idea was that? Listen, Carrie Freaking
Bradshaw already did it eight million years ago on
"Sex and the City" and it looked just as dumb then
as it does now. I don't know why Lily was walking
around with several strips of toilet paper draped
over her arms, either. I guess they were meant to
keep her warm in late March - in Wisconsin.
Finally, let's not forget Amber, whose fashion sense
could indeed be referred to as "restless" if by
"restless" you mean "fundamentally delusional". It
seems she took her crotch-grazing purple disco toga
from her first day on the job and reworked it into a
column dress with a garishly visible black zipper up
the back. I'd like to point out that it was sheer
enough to see her black bra and granny panties
underneath, which was pathetic and sad, but not as
sad as the snacks she had stapled to her shoulder.
You never know when you might need a clump of
grapes! The party might run out of mini-corn dogs,
you know. Of course, this is the fashion visionary
who donned a pink tank top and wrapped a furry red
bath mat around her hips for her photo shoot with
Porniel later in the week.
The clear winner as far as style goes was Kay, who
stayed home to ruminate about her past in a
beautiful peacock-blue robe and perfectly coiffed
hair. If the rest of these bozos sat around writing
their memoirs longhand, I wouldn't have to see them
out and about in their evening clothes and believe
me, that would be a vacation in and of itself!
Editor's note: Liza is a struggling freelance writer
who gives her talent at no cost to the Genoa City
News. If you like her work and would like to
contribute to her cause, please send a donation
directly to Liza by clicking the PayPal button
below.
Search
News
