The Genoa City News

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Scratching the Surface

Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
April 11, 2008

Dear readers, have you ever heard of a coast to coast flight being cheaper when routing it through a podunk college town in the Great Lakes States? Neither have I! And truth be told, I grew up in Madison, so I know what I'm talking about. It costs an arm and a leg to fly directly into Madison's Fisher-Price airport - and Madison is a bustling metropolis compared to Genoa City. At least the Mad City has more than one friggin' coffee shop and a variety of workout venues. It appears that the reason Sabrina dresses like a senile bag lady in sailor trousers and floppy caftans is that she's spending all her money rearranging her flights to stop over in Genoa City - which needs its own airport why, exactly? Isn't it about 45 minutes from Chicago and maybe an hour to Madison? God, the stupid, it hurts.

Still, Sabrina claimed it was less expensive to fly with a layover in Genoa "We Also Have An Applebee's! SRSLY!" City. Fine. She showed up on Monday to send Victoria into spasms of Sapphic glee in a sheer white peasant blouse and black pants that were so high waisted they came up to her collarbone. It was in this ensemble that she cooed over Victor's gift of a puppy-dog vase made by one Jeff Koons which possessed a certain je ne sais quois. Actually, I do sais quois - it was... hmmm, let me think about it - stupid and pretentious. I've had enough with the Jeff Koons propping already. OMFG HE IS A FAYMUSS MODR3N ARTEST. We get it. Now shut the fuck up about him. If you email me to defend him, I will cut you.

I was gravely concerned about Victor's back when he heaved Sabrina up the stairs to subject her to the stylings of his withered seventy-five-year-old pickle. He was straining visibly and I really think they should have opted for a stunt double and wires, but what do I know. That's four and a half minutes out of her life she can never get back, poor dear.

Moving on to other fashion interests, who is this Felicia Forrester and why is she missing a sleeve? On Tuesday she had on a snakeskin print dress that had one long sleeve and one bare arm. Is this some new trend of which I have not been apprised? Or is it just a case of the Emperor's new clothes? High fashion, my ass. If she doesn't watch it she's going to put somebody's eye out with that prominent chin of hers, too. Her vampy red satin dress with the tightly pleated puff sleeves on Wednesday wasn't much better, but at least both her upper limbs matched.

Speaking of matching, there's such a thing as being too "matchy" and Jana is guilty of it. She does not need to be matching her hair extensions with everything else every freaking day. On Thursday the theme was How Green Was Her Valley as she sported green tendrils twirled into her beehive, a green cami beneath her black sheer lacy smock-dress, and green earrings that I'm pretty sure were tiny frogs. Where's the green lipstick, Jana? Go for it!

Chloe was channeling Jennifer Jason Leigh from The Hudsucker Proxy in her charming retro attire on Wednesday. My lands, she looked fetching with her hair jauntily waved, in a crisp white blouse with oversized white fake pearls and a black pencil skirt. Sharon did not fare so well in the white blouse department on Thursday, though. She arrived at the Crackhouse - I mean Warehouse - in a black strapless sheath dress worn over a white button-up blouse with, so help me God, a double layer of foofy ruffles at the cuffs. Will you please get over the ruffles, Sharon? Are you three years old? Are you in a Mariachi band? No? Then knock it off.

Finally, this just in: Phyllis Newman is capable of not showing her tits. No, really! I mean it! She was working on Thursday in a black sleeveless dress with a crossover V-neck that I swear to God was actually above her cleavage. No boobs were showing. Jesus wept!

See also: Previous Fashion Reports  Cheers? Jeers? Let Liza know.

Editor's note: Liza is a struggling freelance writer who gives her talent at no cost to the Genoa City News. If you like her work and would like to contribute to her cause, please send a donation directly to Liza by clicking the PayPal button below.
 

 
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