Paging Radiohead! Where are the Karma Police when we
need them? "Karma police! Arrest this girl, she
talks too much... she babbles like a dork, she's
like a psycho radio..." Who shoved a vial of
patchouli up Jana's butt lately? She can't shut the
hell up for three seconds about OMFG T3H KARMA! I'm
sure the kiddies at the women's shelter are deeply
comforted when she comes strolling in with that
Ronettes hairdo and her hideous Outfit Du Jour to
read them the pop-up-book version of Helter Skelter.
"Oi, poppets, and then a very pregnant Sharon Tate
was stabbed multiple times and the Mansons used her
blood to write "PIG" on the mansion walls! The end!
Sleep tight, little darlings. Oh, the good karma -
can you feel it?"
On Monday this week, Jana was wearing a groovy tunic
with diagonal chartreuse, gray and rusty red
stripes, like some trippy Austin Powers wallpaper.
Then a few days later, still hefting that seventeen
pound beehive atop her head, she had on a
fluorescent-yellow and white striped top and what
appeared to be a long strand of Lucite chunks strung
on a thick string around her neck. It was like a lei
made out of ice cubes! I wasn't able to get a gander
at her footwear but I would not be surprised if she
was sporting white vinyl go-go boots with that
ensemble. Doesn't she realize she's sending horrific
karma out into the universe in these clothes?
On the subject of arguably saner residents of Genoa
City, something is up with Phyllis "Definitely!
Absolutely!" Newman, dear readers, because for the
third straight week in a row she wore something
completely out of character - a cute black
square-necked dress with fluttery short sleeves that
was not in fact skin-tight! This was on Thursday,
when she was arguing with Sharon "But These Photos
Confuse Me In My Special Places" Abbott. What was Li'l Flappy going on about anyway? Isn't the whole
premise of Restless Style to pretend they know
anything about being cutting edge and inventive? As
if Sharon would know "classic" if it chomped down on
her talentless ass. From what we've seen of her past
"photo" "shoots" she can't even be bothered to style
her hair differently or do anything interesting with
her makeup. Excuse the hell out of Phyllis for not
taking art direction from someone who looks like she
cuts her own hair with an electric carving knife and
who has never heard of conditioner.
And guess who showed up at the warehouse for her
alleged receptionist job, finally? Amber "No Matter
What He Takes From Me, He can Take Away My Dignity"
Moore. I was relieved to see that Sabrina chose to
lay off the vampire lipstick on Thursday, but
apparently she left it in the Jitter Joint's Lost
and Found because Amber had painted her pout with it
- going approximately a half inch outside her actual
lip line like some Wisconsin version of Baby Jane.
Ye Gods, she doesn't seem to realize how much that
draws attention to those gargantuan choppers of
hers. Her tight black dress with its white lingerie
straps and white-laced corset top was relatively
modest for Miss Amber, meaning her country pie
wasn't showing for a change.
You know, readers, I am not wild about one Felicia
"He's Married? So?" Forrester, but I have to confess
that earlier this week at the Jitter Joint, I
absolutely loved her cocoa-brown drapey
off-the-shoulder top and intricate dangly earrings.
Come to think of it, jewelry was pretty impressive
this week in general. Kay busted out the big guns on
Monday and dug into her arsenal of diamonds,
stepping out in a blindingly blingy necklace and
matching earrings, which was befitting a Grande
Damme who is richer than the Pope. Jill had not one
but two gorgeous necklaces this week: the first was
a sculptural gold collar composed of two overlapping
swirls - which, in my opinion, bridged the gap
between jewelry design and art, and the second was
made of many many fine little silver chains draped
together for a very pretty effect. Sigh. I love
Jill. We need to be seeing more of her and less of
certain other characters I will not mention. Certain
PREGNANT characters. Not that I'm naming names, mind
you... LILY.
I'm always taken aback at what various characters
wear to bed, and Lauren "Can't Talk Now - Busy
Sucking In My Cheeks" Fenmore Baldwin is no
exception. This is the second or third time I've
seen her in large, shapeless, man-style pajamas, and
for the life of me I don't know what to make of it.
Lauren isn't the pajama type. Frankly, I don't know
who is - I've never known any woman who wears a full
set of PJs to bed except for on TV. It doesn't feel
like what she would choose. I'd assume Lauren would
have a drawer full of killer negligees and little
strappy silk gowns. I mean for God's sake, the woman
sleeps in full makeup with voluminous backcombed
hair - she's not going to waste that shit on boxy
old pajamas! Maybe they're Michael's. Then again,
maybe Michael wears the negligees. We'll never know,
since we never see them have sex in their bedroom. I
tell you, the upholstery-cleaning business in Genoa
City must be staggering.
And so we arrive at the end of another assault on
our aesthetic senses in the lovely metropolis of
Genoa City, whose airport releases hot air balloons
and hang gilders thrice daily to the far reaches of
the left and right coast, and which launches human
cannons straight to Chicago every hour on the hour.
Don't forget to pack your reddest lipstick!
Editor's note: Liza is a struggling freelance writer
who gives her talent at no cost to the Genoa City
News. If you like her work and would like to
contribute to her cause, please send a donation
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