Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne

Amber looks great in navy--it complements her porcelain skin and cornsilk hair. I say "cornsilk" because I honestly believe she has about as many strands left on her overbleached head as an ear of corn has with its tassel. Did you all notice how often I've been referencing corn lately? I'm here to tell you I've chowed down on 4 ears already this week. You've gotta get it while the getting's good! One of these days when I'm pissed off with nothing positive to say about the show, I'm going to do an entire column about corn. You heard me. It'll be like: "Silver Queen, the crisp and juicy white corn that used to fly off the shelves of roadside vegetable stands, has been dethroned by newer hybrids like 'Peaches and Cream' and Supersweet. (Oh, I guess Victoria's hair was a mess today.) At harvest, Silver Queen has a sugar concentration of 5-10% , whereas Supersweet packs a cavity-inducing 25-40%. (Phyllis needs to stop giggling. Could she show off her deflated melons any more?! GOD, she's a stupid bitch.) The discrepancy in sugar concentration affects the starch to which it quickly converts after being picked, resulting in a crisper texture in Silver Queen and a softer, more pillowy kernel in the Supersweet--which the majority of today's consumers appear to prefer. (Oh, Lord; Adam's being an ass again, but his hair looks cute.) Will the mild, crunchy Silver Queen go the way of heirloom tomatoes and become a specialty item sought after at high end grocers like Whole Foods? Time will tell. (If Tyra doesn't get that hair out of her eyes I'm going to get it out FOR her. With a sharp-ass scissors!)"

...And so on. Don't worry, it'll be edjumacational and shit.

While fondling her gold cross and chanting the Serenity Prayer, Nikki spent the better part of the week clad in various jeans and sweaters, which is fine with me. She looks so much better in jeans than she does drowning in those voluminous suits. On Wednesday her hair was down, and because it was worn smooth and mostly straight, it looked a bit longer. It seems somebody has finally realized that less is more when it comes to styling Nikki's hair. She had on a burgundy wrap-sweater that same day, belted with a black belt, and then on Thursday she had changed to a black sweater-jacket belted with a peeled disco ball. No really, it was a three-inch-wide glittering silver belt, the purpose of which I did not understand to say the least. And her hair was in its patented "Out Of Their Asses" ponytail, just slicked back straight off her face. Still, there was no cheap plastic clip involved, so it's okay by me, if not the most flattering look.

Nick got a haircut! And damn if it isn't hot! He looked terrific on Thursday in a dark smoke-blue tee, sporting his new 'do. The bad news is, it makes him look his age--in other words, emphasizes the fact that Phyllis is significantly older than him. You may be saying, "What in the hell, Liza? Phyllis doesn't look old!" Well, no, she doesn't, but to me she looks like a very well-preserved mid-forties and the last time I checked, Nick is supposed to be about 30 or 31, depending on how many years you add and subtract and multiply to account for the space-time wormhole in which he and Victoria spent their shared childhood that never happened.

Victoria's clothes are so boring and lifeless that I can't be bothered to remember what she wears on any given day; my notes say only "crappy-looking gray tee" or "some sort of weird brown sheer top with squiggles", but one thing from late last week is scrawled in urgent capital letters: "WHAT IS THAT PIECE OF HAIR STICKING STRAIGHT OUT FROM HER HEAD?!" As I recall, Vicki was talking to Nick about how Sabrina's death was all about her and affected her more than any other human being on earth and how she was in such pain and how she couldn't believe Sabrina could leave her, and WOW. Wow, she had a four-inch-long piece of hair sticking out at a 45 degree angle right near her ear! Through the entire scene! Even after they cut away and came back! Boy, somebody's going to feel pretty silly when she watches it back on the teevee. It's too bad there isn't a way for anybody to...oh, I don't know...CATCH something like that and fix it. Hmmm, perhaps they could hire some people to make sure that sort of thing doesn't go to tape. OH, PERHAPS.

I'm not going to report on what everybody wore to the (Oops, No) Funeral because let's face it, do we really give a rat's ass? They all wore dark, somber clothing and talked inappropriately about business deals and possible art shows. End of story! Oh, by the way, Michael can't be giving all the food away to homeless shelters because it's not legal to do so. You can't give cooked leftovers away. I know! It seems antithetical, doesn't it? I used to work in my college cafeteria and was appalled to learn that we could not donate the leftover steam-trays of perfectly good food to any shelters. Because--get this--somebody might GET SICK OR SOMETHING. So rather than risk foodborne illness, let's just let them go hungry. Say! Ain't that swell?

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