Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne

For the actual wedding ceremony, Lauren and Amber both changed into what appeared to be long, spaghetti-strapped nightgowns, and went barefoot. Thank God Amber took her hair down from those two ridiculously sproingy anime-style pigtails she'd been wearing. Gloria, in the aforementioned pink caftan, styled her hair such that her grayish white streaks merged together in front for a Bride of Frankenstein look. Jana wore her dark hair long and straight with the front pulled back and secured with a few orchids; it was simple and pretty. And no colored hairpieces! Her dress was shockingly traditional - a long white lace number with a V-neck, empire waist, and puffed elbow-length sleeves. To be honest, I was waiting for the punchline, but it became apparent that she was NOT going to rip the dress off after exchanging her vows to reveal a black patent-leather catsuit with studded wristbands and necklace of broken glass. Although on some level that would have been awesome. Kevin eschewed the Orient Express for a black sports jacket, and foisted the Nehru jacket off on Porniel, who accessorized it with rolled-up dungarees as if he planned on wading in a fountain later. Which he may well have been; where else was he gong to collect a handful of pennies to pay Colleen?

So now we've met River "Phoenix" Baldwin, who presided over the wedding in a long white tunic and pants with a jaunty orange silk shawl around his neck. I am thrilled - THRILLED, I tell you - to see Stephen Keaton introduced as Michael's father. I may be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure all that crap he was spouting about rivers and seas and love was straight from The Who's "Quadrophenia". If you are too young to be familiar with The Who, let alone to understand the greatness of "Quadrophenia", don't even BOTHER looking it up on Wikipedia. Just know that you are a deeply flawed individual.

After the happy couple were pronounced "former homicidal maniac" and "former homicidal maniac", everybody sat around on colorful silk pillows, snacking on Tofurkey and drinking agave nectar or some such crap. No more "special" brownies appeared to be offered, which seemed counterproductive if you ask me. I don't see how anyone could be bothered to schtupp Colleen if he WASN'T actively hallucinating!

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