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Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
August 22, 2008

Honest to God, dear readers, it's been so frustrating trying to come up with enough noteworthy fashion to bother writing about lately. I think the primary problem here is the repetitive nature of the characters' wardrobes and hairstyles: Gloria will wear yet another loud print and have her hair shellacked into place like a helmet, with those two white racing stripes in front. Sharon will wear any number of silly dresses with gimmicky necklines and her hair will be perpetually straight, lifeless, and hacked-off around her face. Nikki will totter around in a blocky, stiff suit with an unflatteringly wide belt. Victoria will wear an old embroidered placemat around her neck, or else a little business suit that doesn't fit her properly and gaps in several places. Paul will be in another colored T-shirt and sports jacket, and Phyllis will be wearing something so tight you can see her bikini stubble through the fabric. And so on.

Well, at the very least I can be grateful that whoever styles Nikki has no earthly idea what to do with her hair, so it changes from side-parted and flippy to plastic-clipped and scraggly to her recent updo earlier this week - an updo which reminded me of Edna Garret in its matronly fussiness. That French twist of hers had a few pieces continually flopping in her face, leading me to wonder whether or not anybody actually watches the monitors as this shit is being taped. Wouldn't you notice such a thing and want to correct it? Is this show so stingy that they can only afford one take? Between Nikki's avalanche of errant tresses, Victoria's oddly perpendicular strand not long ago, and Tyra's eye-stabbing bangs, I don't understand who is being paid to take care of these things.

Tyra must have been growing tired of having both her eyes water from being poked with her bangs, because on Wednesday she finally tried to brush her hair off her face. However, the way her wig is constructed made this rather awkward. She parted her bangs in the center and slicked them back to either side, kind of like that cartoony guy on the Pringle's can. Hey, get her a monocle and a bow tie, and maybe she and Neil and Devon and Cousin It can start a barbershop quartet! They could follow Chloe around and sing that one hit song, "Baby On Board", by the B Sharps.

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