Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne

Speaking of babies and being bored, do any of us give a shit who Ana's real mother is? Has there been a duller storyline in the history of the world? Is this supposed to be some kind of summertime PSA about how crack is wack? Or are the producers working in conjunction with Stephenie Meyer to promote the idea that becoming a teenaged mother is neato? It's even more awesome if the father is a glitter vampire, but now I'm getting off the subject - unless we suddenly find out that New Noah, or "Newah No-Man" as I like to call him, was turned into a glitter vampire at SORASing camp. Which quite frankly, given recent storylines, would not surprise me in the least.

You know what did surprise me, though, was Phyllis Newman's look on Thursday when she was busy shooting herself in the foot at work while wearing a high, bouncy ponytail suitable for the Mickey Mouse Show. What the frack was THAT all about?! In her white boat-necked sheath, with that perky little rock-around-the-clock hairdo, was she trying to scream "I'm so sweet and demure and moral!"? Because if so, it wasn't fooling anyone. Sharon's dress that day had a blue, white and black geometric pattern and a weird cutout section over her breasts, as if she needed to air them out. Guess how her hair was styled? Go on, guess. Yeah, same old same old. Yawn.

Amber was wearing a bright tomato-red minidress at her desk as she continued to make a fool out of herself by telling tall tales about the imaginary Liam, but it was Chloe who really took the cake that day in a black-and-white plaid retro number with a sweetheart neckline and tiered skirt, accessorized with a red flower in her tousled hair. Desperate to begin "showing", Chloe needs to stock up on skin-tight T-shirts instead of full-skirted dresses if you ask me. But seeing as how she's about oh, six weeks pregnant and therefore should not even be able to have a valid paternity test performed, I doubt she'll be sticking her basketball-stomach out anytime soon.

Heather Stevens did not get my memo that radioactive yellow has been effectively banned from Genoa City! I thought I was quite clear in stating that clothing the color of alien piss will not be tolerated any longer. But there she was with her hair pulled into a low bun near her left ear, in a scorchingly yellow blouse with a flat bib in front and puffy elbow-length sleeves. Counselor, I object! That color's so ugly it should be ILLEGAL! Ha ha, get it? See, Heather's a lawyer and - oh, never mind.

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