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Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
September 2, 2008

Dear readers, I'd like you to close your eyes for a moment and picture a little scenario, if you please. Sit back...relax...let your imagination flow...ready? Let's say...you're pregnant. Let's also say you've corralled someone who isn't the father, planted enough doubt in his mind to get the chump to willingly shoulder the burden of paternity, and let's further say that this nimrod intends to marry you because he seems to believe he's living in Biblical times and the villagers will stone him to death if he doesn't. Okay? With me so far? Let's say that the ostensible father hates your guts, his ex-fiancée loathes you, his mother thinks you're an opportunistic tramp and a liability to the family reputation, and pretty much everybody else in town thinks you're cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Right?

So you and Chumpy-Boy are heading down to Ye Olde City Hall to get yourselves all matrimonied-up. You're pregnant out of wedlock, about to marry a man who would gladly push you under the nearest bus if he had the balls - which he doesn't - but anyway, this is hardly a festive occasion, now is it? In fact, it's pretty much a mockery of marriage and everything it stands for, is it not? I mean, unless you believe marriage exists for the purpose of binding two people together legally so they can take turns clenching their jaws and glaring at each other and generally martyring themselves for the sake of an unplanned baby who could have been raised by a loving set of adoptive parents.

So, getting to my point: under these circumstances, why not wear white? Chloe felt perfectly entitled to do so, showing up for the formalities in a snugly-fitting white lace minidress - not entirely unlike the one we all saw Britney Spears staggering around in some months ago as her marbles went scattering hither and yon in a series of spectacular public breakdowns. I'd like to point out that in said dress, Chloe didn't look the slightest bit pregnant. She didn't even look as if she'd eaten a big breakfast! But this doesn't really surprise me, as I expect her pregnancy to run about fifteen months, which means she might be showing by February 2009 and give birth during November sweeps later that year. In addition to Chloe's dainty little white dress, she saw fit to adorn her head with a white bridal headband to which was hot-glued a handful of white netting and a paper plate.

A random passerby stuck her nose in Chloe's business to inquire where her bouquet might be, and when told "It's not that kind of wedding!", the woman appeared shocked, and gasped "What do you MEAN?!" Did I miss the memo where a bouquet is some sort of mystical necessity at perfunctory shotgun weddings? And even if it were, who the hell would be around to catch it - and who would want to?!

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