What could be more comforting, dear readers, than
awakening from a months-long coma to a room full of
framed photos of people who hate each other's guts?
Ah, the Newman Ponderosa Ranch, where the horses are
strong, the dogs are good-looking, and the hired
help is invisible yet referred to by name. Victoria
"Stutterbug" Newman decided to try on Mummy's
wedding dress from the eighteenth time Mummy was
married to Dicktor. Nice that she had flies buzzing
around her stinky head as she slipped on the
delicate lace-sleeved garment, immediately leaving
toxic green stains on the armpits.
Nick Newman was living the dream in a cheap-looking
wife beater tank and track pants on Friday as he
lounged around the Tackyhouse watching daytime TV
and eating Cheetos, looking as if his hair needed a
wash or three. Later, he put on his Big Boy Clothes
for a relaxing evening of burned, inedible food at
the Yawn Abbott Memorial Mansion of Days Gone By
with the ex-wife he cheated on and the man whose
wife he stole. Good times. His darling wife Phyllis
made a dress out of leftover crispy gold wrapping
paper from Christmas and a couple of black velvet
straps, while the hostess with the mostest - Sharon
-decided upon a royal blue disco dealie that
resembled a tube top sewn to a seat belt.
This dinner party somehow led to a discussion of
everybody's favorite movie, a cringe-worthy little
picture starring She Whose Unclothed Privates We
Have All Seen Way Too Much Of And Who Is Currently
Relaxing In A Rubber Room: "Crossroads". Why,
they're all at a crossroads of some sort! Man, that
shit is DEEP. Whoa. And the idea of anybody being
willing to chuckle it up with the spouses who either
left them or whom they cheated upon is ludicrous.
Dammit, Josh Griffith! I really want to go to the
prom with you this spring but honestly, if you're
going to write stuff like this I may just go with my
cabana boy Glenn. He makes a fine, flavorful Manhattan.
Indulge me this digression from fashion for a moment
because seriously, who thinks this quadrangle of
fuckheads is going to make a successful business
together?! Sharon has fashion sense? In what
universe? What the bloody hell is Sharon even
qualified to DO? Well, thankfully, a very funny
Television Without Pity poster named "Poke from
Roanoke" spells it out for us all:
"Well, Sharon DOES spokesmodel like no other. She
also carries folders from conference room to
conference room with a lot of skill and purpose. So,
I mean, obviously she'll make an awesome foundation
executive (edit: or Crossroads whatever-the-hell).
All you really need is a great smile and folder
carrying ability. It's what gets me through MY day."
Ahhh, Poke, you are so right. That is the single
finest thing I have ever read about Sharon from
anyone, anywhere. I love you and would like to have
fifty of your babies. Sorry, Josh, you'll just have
to wait in line.
Getting back to fashion, which we should, what the
hell is Nikki thinking these days? She showed up to
her first day as Jabot Head Cheese in some kind of
red sheath dress with a notched square neckline and
a black boomerang across her tits. I honestly don't
know what that was supposed to be. And could her
hair have been flippier? According to the Flip
Calibration Council of North America, the answer is
No.
What's the perfect thing to wear when you plan to
trailer-trash your arch-nemesis's Memorial Mansion
of Days Gone By? Why, a tiger-print skirt, a black
sweater and high shiny black boots! That is
precisely what Gloria chose to wear for her debut as
a gold-bricking squatter. Sharon preferred a
merlot-colored satin kimono blouse that did nothing
for her, and Li'L Miss Noah appeared after spending
the past two weeks at "Sam's" in an oversized argyle
sweater and a matching oversized bratty-ass
attitude. Oh, they are all out to drive each other
MAAAAAAD! It's just like Big Brother. Let the games
begin!
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