A wedding in Genoa City, dear readers! Oh, the
excitement! The Lady Lumberjack with the tiny
shark-mouth might even wash his greasy locks for
this event, in which he will pledge his troth to
Victoria "Like A Virgin" Newman, who has the
chutzpah to wear a white bridal gown to walk down
the aisle with her ex-stepdaughter's ex-boyfriend,
as if she hasn't had enough weddings to qualify for
a Frequent Flier discount to the altar. I do hope
the processional will be that lovely pop ballad
written by her hunkmonkey. I can't wait to comment
upon the remarkably hideous...
(Cue sound effect of needle skidding off record.)
(If you're too young to remember what that sounds
like, look it up on Wikipedia or something.)
Psych! I'm not going to talk about the wedding today
because my darlings, there has been a dumpster's
worth of bad style going on in Genoa City and I
can't bear to skip it. All week long, Gloria was
milling about the Yawn Abbott Memorial Mansion Of
Her Dear Departed in a variety of entertaining
ensembles. On Tuesday, she was sporting a very Mommy
Dearest wide red headband to pull back her crow's
feet, while her husband, Jeffrey "Bathrobe" Bardwell
lounged around in his blue pajamas. It must have
been warm in Genoa City, Wisconsin, because
"Bathrobe" didn't see fit to don a parka and boots
while escorting the officers around the "grounds" to
give them a look at Fisher's artistically creative
yellow snow and festively clumpy turds seeping into
the frozen ground. Why, how lovely the back yard is
this time of year! Unless of course you live in
Wisconsin. In which case February is all about
drinking enough to make it through till April.
While Gloria was ready for her close-up and then
some, Daniel the Porn Pixie was trotting around town
with all his hair blow-dried forward and shellacked
into place using that awful watermelon-smelling
Aussie Mega-Hold Spray Gel, which I can only assume
he borrowed from Amber since they are BFFs and share
everything. I'm sure he shaves his elfin face with
the same razor she uses for her bikini line and gets
off on it. I'm telling you, with that dandelion 'do
on his head, Porniel is about two seconds away from
tiptoeing through the tulips that are suddenly in
everybody's houses. Because tulips are so widely
available in February. In Wisconsin.
Jana's Goth outfit for the day was a high-collared
white lacy blouse - a nod to the nonconformity and
edginess so obviously embodied by the Victorian era
-complete with a black corset-looking thing and a
wildly rebellious antique cameo. Wow, she gives
Marilyn Manson a run for his money, doesn't she? I
know when I am about to enjoy a satisfying evening
of getting stoned, listening to The Cure by
candlelight and writing sullen blog entries about
how nothing matters and no one understands my dark
soul, I always don a high-necked white lacy blouse
with a cameo, myself. Trent Reznor's got nothing on
Jana. She has red clip-on hair extensions from
Target! That shit is hard-core.
Victor's rapidly graying hair lately has had more
wings than a box of Always. What the hell is wrong
with him?! I suppose Neil "Rimjob" Winters is afraid
to tell him his hair looks like ass, because Neil "Rimjob"
Winters would be afraid to tell Victor he had a
freaking tarantula on his shoulder.
And who the hell is this new "Chloe"? You can tell
she's artistic because she's wearing all black
(black!) and "knows sexual chemistry when [she] sees
it". Her haircut is a stacked bob with long pointy
pieces in front like she thinks she's Nikki McKibbin
from season one of American Idol, minus the Manic
Panic colored chunks. If you actually get that
reference, I guess you had nothing better to do in
the summer of 2002 either. Dude. "Bachelorettes In
Alaska". I'm just saying.
Kay surprised me on Wednesday by wearing a lovely
lilac-colored jacket and slightly darker shell when
Doctor Suckup came to call. I've never seen her in
those colors and she looked very nice. I can't say
the same for Nikki "Flipper" Newman in that orange
jacket with a black top. Not to mention her bizarre
orange floral print head-wrap. She looked like a
jack-o-lantern that collided with a box of
Clementines. Holy Lord!
On Thursday, Gloria "New Zoo Revue" Bardwell was
showing her stripes in a zebra-print boat-necked top
and long diamond earrings, while "Bathrobe" Bardwell
had changed to a luxurious camel-colored robe that
made me wonder if he was going to stalk around the
estate appreciatively ogling Maggie the Cat, yelling
at SistuhWoman, trying to get through to Brick,
breaking his dumpy wife's heart, and finally
sequestering himself in the basement to smoke a
cigar and deliver a sentimental speech about how his
pappy was a hobo.
What's that? "But what about the wedding?" Oh, I'll
get to the wedding, don't you worry about that.
Someone's got to say something about that living
room being decked out like some kind of My Pretty
Pony jamboree, and I'm not afraid to do it!
Editor's note: Liza is a struggling freelance writer
who gives her talent at no cost to the Genoa City
News. If you like her work and would like to
contribute to her cause, please send a donation
directly to Liza by clicking the PayPal button
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