The Genoa City News

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Scratching the Surface

Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
February 29, 2008

Back in Genoa City, Phyllis entered the Lamest Weight Room In Town wearing - wait for it - an oversized, floppy red tank with an asymmetrical V-neckline. Now, dear readers, you know as well as I that this woman prances around the office in clothing so tight she has to wear her Spanx OVER it. This woman would wear a halter top to church without a bra, and can't go two seconds without wagging her tits in everybody's faces. So at the gym - the one place we all agree tight clothing is perfectly acceptable - at the fracking GYM she wears loose clothing? What! Ever! Oh, and another thing: pull your flappy hair back. It might get caught in a machine and I'd hate to see your scalp get pulled off while Junior Keaton is busy hitting on you.

Apparently Jana's late great brain tumor also controlled her ability to dress unlike a circus sideshow, because all her outfits lately have been horrific. That blue blouse with the white piping she had on at the Jitter Joint when she was sticking her nose in everybody's business looked like a a smock worn by a waitress at a 50s lunch counter. What's the lunch special, Jana? Oh jeepers, a ham salad sandwich on white for 45 cents? I'll take it! Oh, and a malted milk! That'd be swell!

As for Amber and Porniel, I have nothing to say about those two except that Yoda's hair has more body than Amber's, and Porniel looks like a kitten yakked up cotton candy on his head. Oh, wait a minute! I do have something to say about Amber. What the holy hell was that textured black patent leather thing she was wearing when she went to Tasteless Style to suck up for a job? Does she think she's Catwoman? Did she raid Sean Young's closet for that wacky dominatrix garment?

On the other end of the whore/virgin spectrum we had poor hapless Lily doing battle with Posh Spice's younger, bitchier sister, Asshole Spice, in a white frilly blouse with puffed, ruffled sleeves and what looked to be cellophane bunched up down the front. Asshole Spice herself was in all-black with chunky black clam-digggers so if you ask me she really isn't one to talk. Oh, and Queen Chloe? That angled bob is so totally last week.

Karen the One-Hit Wonder was forced into service once again at IndiBlow and decided to fancy up her Dorothy Hamill hair with a few bobby pins shoved along the sides. This did not seem to achieve the desired effect of elegance and instead looked as if she simply forgot to take them out, whoops! Maybe Pat Benetar told her bobby pins were the secret to boosting her confidence. Nothing surprises me anymore. Karen was decked out in a taupe beaded bolero jacket with black scalloped edging and that's the only thing I liked about her performance. She was flat as hell and extremely nasal in some parts of the boring, predictable ballad. But don't take my word for it - let's hear what the judges from American Idol had to say:

RANDY JACKSON: Dawg, dawg, dawg. That was HAWT. You had a few problems starting out and some of it was a little shouty in a few places but you came out and did your thing, man. That was hawt. I'm pitching a tent right now, dawg.

PAULA ABDUL: Karen, I just love you. I - l love your spirit and I love the way you just - there's a radiance inside of you and it just flows out, and I love unicorns. It wasn't your best performance but I like you and here's a fluffy bunny. Just, be yourself and I'm drunk.

SIMON COWELL: To be honest, Karen, it wasn't the right song for you. No, just let me finish. You can sing about six notes with any degree of competency and that song had several more. I didn't like it at all. It was very cabaret and a tad boring. Yes, I realize this actually was a cabaret performance, but I don't care - it blew great donkey balls. Oh, fuck off, audience.

So there we are, dear readers! It's been a busy week in Genoa City, and it's about time to help myself to a handful of Xanax - and a malted milk. Don't mind if I do!
 

Editor's note: Liza is a struggling freelance writer who gives her talent at no cost to the Genoa City News. If you like her work and would like to contribute to her cause, please send a donation directly to Liza by clicking the PayPal button below.
 

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