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Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
July 4, 2008

What happens in Vegas, dear readers, is said to stay in Vegas--but sadly, that did not apply to Gloria Fisher Abbott Bardwell Bardwell Bardwell and her beige-toothed husband Jeffrey "Bathrobe" Bardwell. After a ridiculous farcical wedding ceremony performed by a catatonic and spectacularly mulleted Little Richard, who was sporting close to thirty-seven pounds of blue sequins and an apparent case of Tourette syndrome, the smirking newlyweds returned to Genoa City to make out wantonly in the Yawn Abbott Memorial Pool-And-Dog House and roll around in a pile of diamonds. I hope Fisher retaliates by eating the diamonds and thus forcing Gloria to pick through his shit in order to reclaim them. That's what I would do, anyway. For her fifth wedding, Gloria dressed down in white pants and a cream-colored jacket, with her makeup gun set for Maximum Putty. It was nothing to write home about, but at least she had the decency to not wear a bridal gown or veil.

What's black and white and red all over? Well, both Amber's getup on Monday at the Useless Style offices and Nikki's Dress Of Betrayal And Scorn all this week. Amber's dress had a bold black and white geometric pattern, which she accessorized with a wide red belt and more makeup that a person needs to wear over the course of a month! Ye gods, she had gray eyeshadow up to her brows and far too much blush and lipstick. Maybe this Useless Amber gig is getting to her and she actually believes she is a cartoon character!

Nikki's dress was cap-sleeved and too tight across the bosoms (big shocker), and the pattern vaguely resembled a sort of random rag-rolled backdrop from a 1983 music video. The Liberal Atheist Boyfriend, who does not watch Y&R and can't quite understand why I do since all I ever do is complain about it, walked through the living room as I was scribbling notes about Nikki's..."necklace", and when I asked him "Doesn't that look like a bunch of STRING around her neck?!" he cheerfully replied "Maybe she just really likes to floss! If there's a flossing emergency, she's ready!" You can see, dear readers, why I enjoy living in sin with him.

Ana "Wrecksia" wore a light purple top and had her hair in childish "doggie ears" for her impromptu performance of a melancholy traditional HYMN at IndiBlow, where I'm sure the patrons nursing their Bloody Marys and trying to jump-start their livers really appreciated being invited to Come To Jesus by a snot-nosed pre-teen who acts like a six-year-old, whose first name is spelled incorrectly and who throws melisma around like it's easier to warble a run of ten notes than it would be to sing one correctly. Her momma, Tyra "Banksless", wore a halter top with a zig-zag pattern of grays and white that resembled the way TV screens look in cartoons when they're on the fritz. Turns out Miss Banksless is not only broke and unemployed but also lacking in education, which--added to the fact that she's a single black mother who ostensibly gave birth at the age of 12--makes for yet another refreshing racial stereotype in Genoa City, not that I'm surprised. Hey! Maybe Nikki can hire her to clean out Athena's stable or maybe Gloria will hire her as the maid for the pool house.

Sharon had not one but two cute dresses this week, the first of which was a sort of gold-chamois colored sleeveless dress with a sweetheart neckline, an A-line skirt, and two kick-pleats in the front and back. It was a nice style, though I can't say the color did anything for her. After she and Jack had Zesty Relations she changed into a deep red dress with spaghetti straps and a V-front-and-back neckline that was just darling and fit her perfectly. Her hair still sucks and will probably suck until the end of time, but I really liked both those dresses, though in full skirts she gives of a vaguely 1950s vibe and I half expected her to burst into song at any moment.

The winner this week, hands-down, was Chloe, who looked to be to be auditioning for a community theater production of "Cabaret" in what appeared to be--so help me God--black velvet HOT PANTS, high heels, and a light peach-colored see-through blouse with 5 layers of ruffles around the neck, more ruffles on the sleeves, and a BLACK BRA worn underneath. All she needed was a top hat and cane and she could be singing "Money Makes the World Go Around"--with Princess Noah in full makeup! Although, that's not the kind of "cane" Chloe wants to get her hands on!

Today in Genoa City the Abbotts are throwing a pool party. Flesh! Give us flesh! From the previews, having seen Heather in a bikini, all I can say is GUH and "Where are my cigarettes?!" This should be fun!

Cheers? Jeers? Fashion archives? See below.

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Liza's coffee courtesy of
Speeder & Earls, Burlington, VT.