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Fashion/Style
by
Liza Van Horne
July 8, 2008
I hope, dear readers, that you all had yourselves a
fun Fourth of July weekend! Did you put on your high
heels and strut around the pool in your bikini? Did
you make yourself a nice paper plate full of caviar
and imported cheeses? No? Oh, I guess only the
movers and the shakers in Genoa City party like
that. Can you think of anything dumber than having a
big platter of stinky cheese melting down to a
congealed mess in the sun and attracting flies? Can
you see the appeal of slimy fish eggs baking in the
July heat? Yeah, me neither. The only appropriate
food for this time of year at the Useless Style pool
party was chips, and Gloria doused them all in
lethal bug spray, claiming nobody was going to eat
them anyway. Has nobody in Genoa City heard of the
basics--watermelon, coleslaw, burgers and hot dogs?
Brats and polish sausage? This is Wisconsin, after
all. The inevitable potato salad nobody will touch
for fear of food poisoning from the bacteria farm
known as 90-degree mayo? No, instead we got Cane
wandering through the Abbott living room carrying a
plate of...broccoli. Seriously, it was a plate
heaped with nothing but broccoli.
I must say I was underwhelmed by the party
decorations. Those arrangements of white lilies, red
carnations and blue something-or-other with little
flags in them looked like what you might expect to
find at Wal-Mart. What about red and white roses in
blue vases? Man, this show is cheap.
Nick couldn't be bothered to get his sloppy ass over
to the party despite the fact that his presence
there was important, and he surely did not dress to
impress in a pair of baggy cargo shorts and a red
and coral checked shirt left untucked and unbuttoned
over a white wife-beater tank. Oh, and flip flops.
That should inspire confidence in the big-shot
advertisers, huh? I swear to God, Nick is about two
seconds away from writing 49-cent checks at the
supermarket for half-and-half to make White
Russians, and complaining about how his peed-upon
rug "really tied the room together".
Prior to the party, Chloe met up with Cane at the
Athletic Supporter in a mint-green blouse with puffy
short sleeves, but later arrived at the Yawn Abbott
Memorial Mansion of Sunburns Past, having changed
into an old-school-Hollywood-style black maillot
with a plunging V-neck and a white dress shirt
knotted around her waist as a cover-up. Frankly, I
expected something more flamboyant from her.
Sharon wore a black and white giraffe-print halter
dress instead of a swimsuit, which is a crime
against nature. Much as I dislike her, she has a
fantastic bikini body--which is more than I can say
for Colleen. Let me put it this way. Dear readers, I
attended a neighborhood party on the evening of July
4th and there were numerous teenaged daughters of
the party folk, running around in bikinis and
splashing each other and the littler kids with
buckets of water and squirt guns. These girls were
maybe, I don't know, fifteen or sixteen. Colleen
looked like them. Girl has no figure whatsoever and
her head is five sizes too big for the pipe cleaners
she calls limbs and the cutting board she calls a
torso. Plus, tottering around in high heels made her
look kind of like the Colonel's prepubescent date in
Boogie Nights. Creepy.
Jack looked shockingly at ease in a loose, flowy
blue shirt with a tone-on-tone palm tree pattern and
white linen pants. It's so rare to see him without a
tie! Michael went for a little more jazzy style in
knee-length gray trouser-shorts, a white tank and a
straw porkpie hat that made it appear he was on his
way to an audition for "Suddenly, Last Summer".
His wife Lauren seemed unclear on the concept of a
pool party, choosing as she did a bizarre black
minidress with sequins (or possibly beads) that had
both sides deeply scooped in at the waist like Julia
Robert's hooker dress in Pretty Woman. I
hated that style back then, and I hate it now. It
makes even slim women look like they have love
handles! I don't know why Lauren didn't care to do
any swimming since her hair is so encrusted with
Aqua-Net that it would have emerged from the pool
fully intact and completely waterproof, like my Aunt
Joyce who rocked a serious beehive back in the 70s.
You could tap that shit with a hammer and not a
strand would move.
Gloria was her usual un-subtle self in a pink and
orange print tunic over white cropped pants, and a
huge floppy straw-brimmed hat upon her Medusa head.
Other festively bright clothing choices included
Jeffrey's parrot-green polo and Adrian's unfortunate
lemon-yellow one, worn with the collar up. Somebody
needed to sneak up behind the Gerbil and gently put
that collar back down because, no. Just, no.
Jana seemed to be under the impression this was a
costume party, given her full-on 1940s hairstyle,
high heels and retro dusty-lavender swimsuit worn
with a short flowered skirt. I was waiting for her
to stick a flower behind one ear and gracefully
execute some Esther Williams-style water ballet but
alas, she was busy babysitting Amber.
Ah, Amber. Amber was out of control, though her
tropical print bikini with its demi-cup top and
hipster boy-shorts was really kind of cute. But you
know what isn't cute? Watching an adult woman down
six-ounce lowball glasses of straight vodka one
after the other! Good God, she put away half a liter
of vodka in about three minutes while talking to a
concerned Jana who did nothing to try to stop her.
What are friends for? By all rights Amber should
have been falling down and peeing herself before
slipping into the pool and drowning, but hey, this
is Y&R, not a PSA, so whatever. What I want to know
is, why did two people who have their own apartments
see fit to careen their wasted asses over to their
place of business to drink and make out?! Who does
that?! Do all the Useless Style employees have a
key? I also loved how Adrian looked directly at her
boobs and then slurred "Your eyes are
unforgettable!" Um, those aren't her eyes, lovey. Is
there one remaining couch in all of Genoa City that
doesn't need a steam-clean urgently? I don't think
so! Icky, icky, everything is sticky!
Cheers? Jeers? Fashion archives? See below. |
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Liza's
coffee courtesy of
Speeder &
Earls, Burlington, VT.
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