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Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
July 11, 2008

Readers, have you noticed that the only bras they seem to sell in Genoa City are black bras? And have you noticed that everyone wears them under white tanks with the straps showing? Or under sheer tops where you can plainly see them? Is there or is there not a good reason it's called "UNDERwear"? Sabrina showed up at the Useless Style warehouse in a white tank with not only the black straps showing but also the tops of her black lacy cups! Eeek! Then she changed for the photo shoot into a red dress cut down to her navel which sucked a lot less than most of her clothes usually do, but her (nearly-gray!) beige lipstick made her look like death.

Speaking of underwear, what in God's name did Amber think she was doing on Monday when she half-heartedly performed her questionable tasks as the magazine's receptionist while wearing black leggings and a black...thing...with red flowers that was not only backless, but had no fabric on the sides! I swear to God I am not making this up. There was some degree of coverage in front, but the rest was like flapping rags and the sides of her bra were totally exposed! Why didn't Phyllis send her home to change? Oh, I guess because Amber has a habit of turning her lunch break into a three-hour gab session with Jana or whoever else is handy.

Jana "House of Yes" Hawkes killed me on Tuesday when she accompanied Sabrina to the photo shoot wearing a buttercup-yellow vintage 1960s sheath--and Jackie O's hair! I just about squealed! She looked terrific, and no crazy hair extensions. Well done, Jana! She switched her look once again to greet Kevin at the Jitter Joint, deciding that a simple hairstyle (again, no colored extensions) and pretty royal-blue short-sleeved dress with a flounce at the hem was just the Girl-Next-Door look Kevin needed after fending off flea-infested Eurotrash girls who didn't use deodorant or brush their crooked teeth.

Back at the club, Sharon looked as if she'd fallen into a vat of finger-paint in a weird sack of a dress in shades of purple, blue, violet and other bruisey colors, with a scarfy-looking tie at the neck. I don't know why these women who have great bodies want to go around wearing bedsheets and gunny sacks as clothing. If I had Sharon's body I'd walk around as close to naked as possible all the time.

Nick Newman had Jamie Whitfield and Kathy Hilton fawning all over him as he brainstormed the concept of "Old Hollywood" for the next Useless Style cover. I don't see how these two ladies could have possibly been impressed with a big goofy unshaven lunkhead wearing a short-sleeved plaid button-up shirt with baggy pleated khakis. Pleated khakis are such a colossal FAIL. But fawn they did, and The Big Nickowski came off as some kind of creative genius for suggesting matte red lipstick and a fitted evening gown as if we've never seen that on eleventy-gajillion magazines covers already.

Finally, Gloria schemed and plotted with her husband "Brownteeth Bardwell" on Tuesday in a crisp white blouse with lantern cuffs, tucked into a flowered skirt that my other cabana boy Richard tells me he noticed had one large red bloom directly over her crotch. I didn't catch that! Ha ha, thanks Richard! Is it meant to be a target or what? "Please aim here if you're rich?" Or was it a warning! "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here?"

Cheers? Jeers? Fashion archives? See below.

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