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Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
July 15, 2008

Dear readers, I ask you: last week when Jamie Whitfield and Kathy Hilton were moaning ecstatically over Nick Newman's "Old Hollywood" pitch, was I hallucinating or did I distinctly hear the names of Lauren Bacall and Audrey Hepburn mentioned? Yeah, I thought so. I heard excited squeals about doing the trademark Bacall hair with the sexy swoop over one eye, and Nick mentioned wanting to put the cover model in a glamorous fitted gown.

Something must have been lost in translation, then, because what ended up on the cover was Victoria Newman looking like Louise Brooks in a long, body-skimming flapper dress that was not of the Golden Age of Hollywood. Why she was given a severe black bobbed wig to wear instead of simply finger-waving her own hair and dressing it in in a 20s style is beyond me. Why her flapper dress--which was black and beaded and quite spectacular in its own way--was not featured in the picture is also bewildering. Instead, they put a close-up of the Halloween-looking Victoria on the cover, grinning maniacally and presumably scaring small children.

Talk about shoddy, lazy writing. I have no issue with the idea of an homage to Audrey Hepburn and Lauren Bacall--but they aren't really "Old Hollywood". Fine, though; go ahead with Hepburn and Bacall as inspiration. Oh but wait! Somehow that was interpreted as the roaring 20s? Hmm, that's odd; Roman Holiday, Hepburn's first film as a leading lady, came out in 1953, and Bacall made more movies in the 50s than the 40s--neither of which are the 20s, last time I checked. Funny, I don't recall Hepburn or Bacall ever playing flappers in their respective careers... oh well, it doesn't matter, it's just another pesky detail, about which the writers can't spend five minutes on the Internet to find the right references. I'm sure nobody else gives a shit about this kind of thing but to me it's the "Farmer's Market bananas and apples" all over again. I simply can't see how it's any harder to write the dialog to include Bette Davis, Clara Bow and Louise Brooks if that's the vibe you're going with. Those actresses' looks have nothing to do with freaking Audrey Hepburn or Lauren Bacall. Decades do matter! To me it's like saying "Let's go with an 80s Cindy Crawford kind of look" and then shooting a model dressed like Jean Shrimpton in the 60s. It's utter nonsense and an insult to the viewers who know better.

But what do I expect anymore?! My high school newspaper was run better than Useless Style is. We certainly weren't working on our cover photography mere hours before going to press, and articles weren't thrown together at the last minute, either. Riddle me this: okay, everybody was freaking out because their cover model couldn't make it. If only there were a way to find another model in Genoa City. Perhaps someone who had done quite a bit of professional modeling and who was recognizable as the winner of a national modeling contest. Oh, if only they could think of someone. IF ONLY. No, it was argued that Lily Winters was not well-known enough, so instead of her--or even Sabrina!--they chose Nick's big sister? What the hell kind of sense does that make? Does anybody care about a whiny gap-toothed heiress from a small city in Wisconsin? Clearly the writers need to sit down and watch several season's worth of Just Shoot Me to get a clue.

Sigh.

It's just depressing. The stupid, it burns.

Well, I suppose I'm obligated to discuss what everybody was wearing, though truth be told I don't have much for you today. Jana looked cute in a white shift dress with teal designs that of course matched her teal hair extensions. Lauren makes my slapping hand itch with all her incessant smirking and squinting, and the fact that she sees fit to show up for a family casual breakfast dressed in what appeared to be a tight black jumpsuit (!) with a halter neck and plunging neckline that bared so much cleavage you could lob a muffin across the table and see if it would stick. In other truly shocking fashion news, on Monday--as she and Victoria spat and clawed and hissed at each other--Sabrina actually wore something I liked! I know! Who would have thought?! It was a black V-necked dress with crocheted trim at the sleeves and hem, and I for one would happily wear it if I didn't currently resemble a pregnant tree stump. Oh, and if anybody knows what kind of mascara Amber uses, let me know; in one scene she had black puddles under her eyes and in the next scene it was all gone. Is this a new Jabot product? Self-cleaning Magical Mascara? I can see the ad copy in my mind's eye: "Did you get dumped? Fired? Cheated on? Go ahead and cry your eyes out. It won't matter! Magical Mascara makes any personal tragedy just a little easier. Magical Mascara. Now available at fine department stores and Fenmore's crap-ass boutique!" Oy.

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