|
|
Fashion/Style
by
Liza Van Horne
July 25, 2008
Oh, here we are at the Colon-aid Room! Here comes
Katherine! She's wearing a...
Holy shit, is that the entire drapery department
from Bed, Bath and Beyond?!
It's some kind of caftan-style garment with a high
boat neck, a shimmery olive body, and bright-blue
sleeves that trail behind her for miles. She could
be down by the outdoor patio and her sleeves could
still get caught in the revolving doors out front,
that's how long her sleeves are. This is NOT what I
was expecting from Kay, that's for sure.
Victoria just showed up in a strictly underwhelming
electric-blue dress with a high neckline in front,
low scooped back, blouson top and straight
calf-length skirt. I wore a similar dress in 1982,
myself. She may have run a comb through her hair,
and she may not have; I really can't tell. What I
CAN tell is that she's slouching and looks like a
wilted flower. This is the cover model from the
latest issue of Useless Style? Really now. You would
think she'd feel compelled to represent both the
company she works for and the magazine whose cover
she just recently graced. Wouldn't you?
Jill's not even wearing a dress at all! She's
wearing a black, gray and silver jacket with a
slight metallic sheen over a black camisole and I
can't see what she's wearing on the bottom. Shorts?
Jeans? Sweatpants? Nothing would surprise me at this
point.
Readers, I'm thinking these people may be a little
unclear on the concept, if you get what I'm saying.
Oh dear God. Oh, holy shit. Amber's making an
entrance in a pale gray... jumpsuit. A jumpsuit?! A
halter-topped jumpsuit. With tons of silver
necklaces hanging down her front. It's a little...
snug in the um, Nethers. Whoa. Readers, if you've
ever wondered about the precise topography of
Amber's mons veneris, your questions are answered
here today. Gack. God forbid she have to raise her
hands above her head for any reason, because that
would result in the fabric of her crotch violently
bisecting her Special Flower on its way up and Lord
have mercy, I do not need a ticket to THAT show.
Heather Stevens is looking very "Last Days of Disco"
in a chocolate-brown empire-waisted dress with one
ruched shoulder strap - and it's a cute enough
dress, if unflattering (she of the killer body is
wearing a loose, shapeless dress?! That's a crying
shame!) - but I would prefer to see her in a
different color. This dress is just a wee bit too
close in style to a swimsuit cover-up if you ask me.
Sharon is wearing a simple black strappy cocktail
dress, and Phyllis has on a red cap-sleeved square
necked tight dress that I am POSITIVE I have seen
her wear to the office. In fact, I've seen both of
them more dressed-up than this for WORK! And I've
seen Lauren, whose gargantuan melons are spilling
out of her tight blue v-necked dress, more
dressed-up around the house!
At this point I swear to God I've just given up on
any hope of anybody wearing an actual gown, or any
of the men wearing a tuxedo. What kind of freakin'
gala is this?! Where's the sit-down dinner? All I
see are steam trays of Gino's Pizza Rolls and Tyson
Anytizers! There isn't even any place to sit down! I
don't see how an overcrowded room with under-dressed
people milling about claustrophobically, clutching
their toothpick-speared cocktail wienies in one hand
and their toxic green "Acid-tinis" in the other,
constitutes the social event of the year.
But then again, I don't get out much.
Well, dear readers. I feel like I've been had.
"Gala", my ass. Phooey! Bring on the tragic
conclusion of SODDEN IMPACT, please; I need to see
some people pay for this travesty. BY DYING. A girl
can dream, can't she?
Cheers? Jeers? Fashion archives? See below. |
|
Please visit this merchant |
