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Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
June 13, 2008

Boy, dear readers, does Lauren Fenmore know how to run a business... right into the ground. In her high-necked red satin sleeveless blouse with a huge cascade of ruffles (RUFFLES!) down the front, she welcomed Gloria to her first day on the job. What job, exactly? Well, neither she, Gloria or that chirpy little Assistant Manager seemed to know. Is Gloria going to be a cashier? Is she a stocker? First she was bumbling around the random racks of clothing telling potential customers what not to wear, and then she was "transferred" to the "shoe department" and finally to the "jewelry department." Since when does a boutique the size of my living room have "departments"?! A few boxes of shoes does not a department make. And why were those shoe boxes out on the floor anyway? Wouldn't there be a nice display? What is this, Payless? DSW Shoe Warehouse?

I thought Fenmore's Boutique was supposed to be the equivalent of an airport satellite store--you know, those tiny stores with a few racks of sweatshirts and polos and some souvenir mugs--not a destination shopping experience! Certainly not for wedding apparel! And who decorated this joint? It looks more like a daycare than a high-end clothing store. What with the jauntily painted wooden tulips on the walls and the brightly colored MUSICAL NOTES and RECORDS as decor, this place has a serious identity crisis going on. Why isn't everybody at Fenmore's department store instead? Oh, because sets cost money, and this show's ratings are dropping faster than Nikki's bosoms.

I'm serious, that claustrophobic little shop with its $2000 blouses makes me crazy. And since when do you walk into a store and tell the salesperson to bring you something black and sexy and then just stand there while you wait for her to play fetch? Do your eyes not work? Are you unable to look through the racks by yourself? God! Oh, and Lauren, if you don't want your mother-in-law to fuck up, perhaps you should... I don't know... TRAIN HER. You know, TRAINING? Which goes on when people are new to retail? Perhaps you've heard of it?

Okay, getting back to style, what was up with Nick's pistachio-ice-cream-green sweater at Useless Style? Isn't it June? The ladies wear strapless tops in January and Nick wears sweaters in the summer heat? Sure, why not. Amber, in her black minidress with rows of fringe, needs to tone down the breathless, squealing star-struck act. It's entirely unprofessional and mortifying as hell, as is her newly coined term "swedgy", which sounds like you've been given a sweaty wedgie. And Sharon's brilliant idea to cut up a couture gown saved the day! Excuse me, but I wouldn't be taking fashion inspiration from a woman who doesn't know what skirt size she should be wearing and hasn't changed her hairstyle in over two years.

Oh my God, the cover shoot. Watching Katie Perry pout and make pigeon-toes in that silvery-blue gown and opaque black tights while "I Kissed A Girl" played over the scene was utterly painful. Who's our next "celebrity" guest star? Brooke Hogan? Ashlee Simpson? What the crap? Of course Jack was freaked out by the singer's attire--this guy can't ever take off his jacket and tie! Not exactly a trendsetter, he. Speaking of trends I would prefer never to encounter, what the holy hell was Phyllis wearing? It looked like a billowing electric-blue sack with drapey pleats in front. I know I've complained about her skin-tight dresses, but come on! Why would anyone CHOOSE to wear that monstrosity?

I couldn't even tell what, exactly, Sabrina was wearing on Thursday because she and Victor were perpetually entwined on the couch like contortionists. It was black. It was made of fabric. It covered her torso. That's all I can tell you. Adam's hair seems to have finally struck the right balance between slicked off his face and not being too gelled--it's softer now and has more volume. Good for Adam. I'd like to know how he went from making snide, sarcastic accusations to being Sabrina's BFF all of a sudden, but I'm sure it's just a prelude to the fact that he's going to be shagging his new step-mom before the wedding cake is served. What?! You KNOW it's gonna happen. Stay tuned for The Young and the Incestuous!

Cheers? Jeers? Fashion archives? See below.

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Liza's coffee courtesy of
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