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Fashion/Style
by
Liza Van Horne
June 20, 2008
Dear readers, are you aware that right about now in
southern Wisconsin, it's in the high 70s with 41%
humidity, which is basically like breathing split
pea soup? Despite a heat index of 77 and all that
mugginess, Colleen Carlton decided to keep her
cropped, long-sleeved jacket on while serving up
piping-hot lattes and "orange hot cocoa" at the
Jitter Joint, and didn't even have her hair pulled
up off her neck. By all rights she should have been
sweating like a pig! Have you ever heard of anyone
drinking hot cocoa in the middle of June in the
Midwest? Not to mention orange hot cocoa. Sabrina
could have told Victor that her favorite beverage
was sardine slurry garnished with maraschino
cherries and by God, The Great Victor Newman would
see to it that the Jitter Joint made it the daily
special with a snap of his geriatric fingers.
Victoria continues to pull the front of her hair
back in junior-high twists, and on Wednesday she
pouted and sulked while wearing a sheer white lacy
doily of a blouse with casual linen knee-length
shorts. One of these things is not like the other!
One of these things does not belong! Can you guess
which thing is not like the other, before I finish
my song? Her bottom half said "Let's go to a Brewers
game!" while her top half said "It's my first
communion!"
Jana's been all over the map this week. Her
papaya-orange maid of honor dress is straight out of
the 1950s with its scooped back, fitted bodice and
full swingy skirt. I do hope she'll be able to find
matching orange hair extensions for the blessed
event! In Gloria's nightmare about being homeless
and excessively stinky, Jana had on an adorable
retro-looking dark gray strapless sundress with blue
flowers cascading diagonally across the full skirt.
And then on Wednesday it was all groovy, baby as she
showed up at the Ponderosa in a tunic minidress with
a crazy 60s paisley-and-floral pattern. Now, back in
the days when Jana was cuckoo for cocoa puffs and
also a murderer, she had a pretty consistent style,
but ever since her "Bloody Dog!" tumor was removed,
this girl looks to have raided every Ragstock and
thrift store in town! I wonder if she smells like
mothballs.
Sharon showed her summer style by impersonating a
picnic cloth on Thursday in a black and white
checked dress that had a string-tie halter neck and
a huge flouncy ruffled hem. Befitting a five year
old girl, perhaps, but a bit much for an adult
woman! Ashley paid a visit in a tight pink T-shirt
belted with a wide black belt, paired with a black
cardigan. A cardigan in the middle of summer. Boy,
they must have the air conditioning cranked in the
Yawn Abbott Memorial Mansion of Drunken Swimming. I
still think her hair color is strictly awful but it
looks much, much better worn straight with a long
fringe of bangs than it did on her last visit. Also,
I wore that exact same outfit in 1986--I'm totally
serious--but I had half my head shaved at the time.
I'd like to shave at least half of Sharon's head, I
can tell you that!
Thank God somebody in wardrobe has heard my cries of
pain because Nikki was allowed to wear a fitted red
suit without a huge belt! It makes such a difference
when she's not wrapped up in overlapping, belted
layers! I didn't care for her headband, though.
She's got the worst hair accessories! Remember a
couple of weeks ago when her hair was pulled back
into an enormous ugly barrette at the nape of her
neck? I wish I had a screen cap of that thing. It's
like she sent someone to Clarie's at the mall and
said "Just bring me back one of everything."
Earlier in the week I neglected to comment upon
Lily's um..."skirt". First of all, she was wearing a
black bra under a white tank which--just, no. I
don't care if Carrie Bradshaw did it. Carrie
Bradshaw is a fucking moron. Second of all, Lily's
"skirt" looked like she'd stepped through a light
blue Japanese lantern. It had a high, cinched-in
paper bag waist, was pouffed-out and had inverted
box pleats all around, and then was cinched in at
the hem! Good God! It reminded me of those toilet
paper commercials where the clumsy little boy stuffs
his pants full of toilet paper to keep from hurting
himself when he falls down roller-skating or
whatever.
Could Abby be a less attractive kid? Jesus. She
looks like an anemic elf or like Gollum or maybe
both.
Chloe, though drunk as a skunk, had on a very cute
black off-the-shoulder dress when she was making an
ass of herself at IndiBlo by flinging her legs in
the air and showing everybody her unders. Who thinks
it's remotely charming to get stinking drunk in
public like that? And you'd think a recovering
alcoholic like Neil would be a little more on top of
instructing his staff not to over-serve people, but
I guess he's too busy trying to harass the woman he
drove away to bother with Alcohol Awareness
education. This one's on the house! Just aim for one
of the potted plants when you puke!
Cheers? Jeers? Fashion archives? See below. |
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Liza's
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