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Fashion/Style
by
Liza Van Horne
June 24, 2008
My dearly beloved readers, we are gathered here
today in front of God and the internets to discuss
the marriage of Grampa Mumbles to his young bride
Morticia. Wow, it must be great to get married in a
crappy old barn that still reeks of decomposing
rodents and the pungent urine of feral cats. Neat!
They may have swept up the mouse droppings and
Swiffered all the spider webs, but the fact remains:
IT'S A BARN.
Readers, my mother's favorite hobby is throwing
bridesmaids' brunches for the young ladies at
church. The Martha Stewart of the Midwest, my mom
color-coordinates everything from the table linens
and flowers right down to the personalized
travel-sized Kleenex cozies she includes in the
goody bag. Let me just say that it's a good thing my
mom does not watch soaps, because Victor's wedding
would have given her a fit of the vapors and I'll
tell you why: THERE WAS NO THEME. While the flowers
were red, pink, white and pale green, the maid of
honor's dress was orange and the flower girls wore
white with red sashes. Sabrina's bridal bouquet was
sort of a peach color. WHAT'S THE THEME?! Nothing
matched! The custom-printed matchbooks were probably
hot pink and the cocktail napkins reading "Victor
and Sabrina June 20 2008" were probably turquoise!
For what was supposed to be a simple affair, that
old musty barn had a metric buttload of tulle, white
Christmas lights, candles (in the sumer heat in
WISCONSIN! Sure!) and flowers heaped everywhere.
Talk about overkill. It looked like a high school
prom had a seizure.
The bride wore white, and her dress could have been
worse but it was still pretty bad, with one shoulder
covered and the other sporting a drooping swag of
fabric hanging limply down her arm. Her hair was
pulled back from the forehead, the rest of it was
wavy, and she wore no veil. The dress had simple
lines and hugged her no-figure, highlighting her
pencil-like lack of curves. It was also several
inches too long, resulting in her hem being stomped
on by Victor during their first dance--which, by the
way, what the hell WAS that song?! The melody was
like a dirge and the vocalist was alternately flat
and whiny. Yikes.
Sabrina's mom, Zara, a.k.a. "Goldbrickin' Bitch From
Hell", wore a purple dress that emphasized her
melons and had funny flappy things at each shoulder.
Victoria wore black, appropriately, but she actually
washed and brushed her hair and looked okay. Phyllis
was wearing an emerald green satin gown that from
certain angles made her stomach look bloated. I
don't know how it's possible for a slender woman to
look poochy, but once in a while she really does.
Heather Stevens showed up in a simple black sheath
with a dark blue yoke across the chest--very modest,
and definitely revealed her terrific body. Her hair
was pulled up into a wavy ponytail and she and Adam
made for a cute couple.
Lauren's dress was hideous. It was a muted salmonish
color and had those annoying V-straps that start at
the center and go out to the shoulders. Ugh. Pretty
much, it was the exact color of that Crayola crayon
they call "flesh". Somewhere between beige and
apricot, that color needs to be outlawed. As usual
Lauren likes to wear her dresses so tight that you
could clearly see the cleft of her crack through the
material! Fashion maven my ass.
Jill was wearing a gold shimmery jacket over a black
top with a gold maple leaf pendant as a necklace.
That's really more of a fall thing, isn't it? Or was
it a shout-out to the upcoming Canada Day? Huh.
Katharine Chancellor turned up in a white jacket
that looked as if it had been heavily sprayed with
black Silly String. Very odd.
Getting back to Orangina--I mean Jana--she
accessorized her cute but inappropriate retro dress
with wads of netting and an orange flower pinned to
her updo, along with orange hair extensions. I'm
beginning to think she's OCD about those matching
extensions! Anemic Abby and Summertard had white
dresses with white headbands that were crowned with
huge white ribbony flowers. I'm not sure how old
Albino Abby is supposed to be, but she was acting
like a four-year-old. I don't know why Phyllis had
to follow Summertard down the aisle--she could have
stood up front with a handful of Goldfish crackers
to lure her child, since snacks are the only thing
that seems to motivate that kid to do anything other
than stare blankly into space and drool.
So now Sabrina and Victor are hitched, and if the
eight million candles don't burn the joint down
first, I'm sure the flowers and decorations will be
left in the barn to house colonies of bugs and
badgers--because if there's one thing Victor does
not excel at, it's cleaning up his own messes. YOU
GOT THAT?
Cheers? Jeers? Fashion archives? See below. |
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