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Scratching the Surface

Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
March 11, 2008

Heather "Soon To Be An IHOP Waitress" Stevens will never be taken seriously as an attorney as long as she insists on parading around in ten pounds of ruffles. Her blouse the other day - when she was whining to Pappy Hairplugs and essentially blaming him for her fuckups - had bizarre scalloped layers of origami-looking ruffles down the front, and her gray skirt was four sizes too small, which made her ass look like a couple of basketballs. What is it with these Genoa City blondes and their high waisted skirts? Look, I'd gladly trade my old sack of skin for either Heather's or Sharon's, but my God, what a waste when you're continually wearing skirts that make you look poochy and butty.

Speaking of Flappy herself, Sharon was wearing a black and gold patterned blouson top with gathered peasant sleeves and chunky black clam-diggers when she discovered the Lava Lounge her home had become. I have to admit, the black velvet unicorn painting was pretty awesome. I wish they would have gone with a tan sectional sofa and one of those deep shag white sheepskin rugs, though, because when I was about 12 I thought that was the shit and I just knew when I grew up I was going to have that in my home. Oh, and I was also going to have a real butcher's block breakfast bar with actual rattan barstools. They should totally put a Tiki bar in the Abbott living room. Who doesn't like a festive umbrella drink served in a pineapple? No friend of mine. Back to Sharon's outfit, it looked like something a sixty-five year old would wear to a wedding at the VFW. Has Sharon taken up Bingo?

Finally, Jana continues to look like a deranged homeless person, this time with a weeping willow's worth of disheveled purple strands of hair waving limply in the breeze and a white cardigan with little red cherries on it. She's totally working the whole "Oh look, this garment connotes innocence and purity! But I'm a total messed-up freak, so it's ironic! Get it? Do you get the irony? It's like rain on your wedding day... or a black fly in your chardonnay. Or a free ride, when you've already paid. What?! Don't fucking tell me what 'irony' means. Are you calling Alanis a liar?" Jana accessorized her ensemble with a black and white plaid kitchen towel thrown over her shoulder that said "My sweater is all play, but I'm all work! Show me something to wipe, and I'll wipe it like there's no tomorrow!" If by "work" you mean "eavesdrop", which she does so obviously and clumsily. Well, everybody's got to have a hobby, I suppose!

I'm really starting to worry about Drooling Summer and Linebacker Fen. If they don't show up soon I'm calling in an Amber alert. No, not the kind where you hand out fliers to people who are about to sleep with her and thus contract everything from Mystery Rashes to Frothing Cooter Syndrome. The other kind where you save kid's lives, sillies. And by the way, why is Nikki blathering on about "helping those kids (Porniel and Amber) out" and how Amber's receptionist job will "give her wonderful training"? Dude, the girl already had a career with Forrester and is old enough to be having hot flashes. Enough already with this ingenue bullpuckey! We're not idiots! Oh Glenn, dear, get my imaginary boyfriend Josh Griffith on the line, will you? I've got half a mind to give him a liquor-fueled smackdown. It's a shame to waste a good head of steam.

See also: Other fashion reports by Liza
 

Editor's note: Liza is a struggling freelance writer who gives her talent at no cost to the Genoa City News. If you like her work and would like to contribute to her cause, please send a donation directly to Liza by clicking the PayPal button below.
 

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