The Genoa City News

Please visit this merchant

Scratching the Surface

Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
March 14, 2008

Reader discretion advised

Dear readers, did you know that subsisting on bottled water and Tic Tacs can turn anyone into a raging bitch? Chloe does! My lands, that girl is a c-nt of the highest order. She was really laying into Cupcake Winters during that "photo" "shoot" on Thursday. I guess she was on a rampage because the five calories from her breakfast of sugar-free gum had burned off and her blood sugar was shrieking for mercy. Despite what Asshole Spice seemed to think, I thought Lily looked smashing in her pale gray couture gown with long (but simple) glittering earrings. Lily also looked cute earlier in the week wearing a gray and black striped minidress with lantern cuffs and a square neck, and high black boots. I know most of you hate her, but compared to some of the other dipshits in Genoa City, I find her unoffensive and her wardrobe is usually pretty nice.

I can't say the same for Phyllis, though. That tomato-red dress with the sweetheart neckline she had on the other day in the Stale Idea Factory was very odd - it gave off a vaguely 30s vibe, but not in a good way. Sharon was looking better in a funky black kimono-styled dress with a bold geometric pattern, but it would have looked a lot better had she worn her hair up. Hell, I've flogged that dead horse into a bloody pulp and nothing's ever going to change with regard to Haystack Abbott and her lifeless locks. Later in the week, Sharon arrived at the "loft" with her dress on backward! No, it's true. The front was a high jewel neck and the back was a deep V with what looked like leopard-print lapels! She needs to put labels in her clothes reading "frontsies" and "backsies", poor dumb thing.

But getting on to the more egregious ensembles, someone please explain to me why Amber forgot to wear pants to her first day of work? Is she Brit-Brit, y'all? That was the most hideous shade of purple I have ever seen and it looked like she made her minidress out of remainders from Bed, Bath and Beyond. "OMG! These purple polyester drapes are totally marked down to $4.99! I think I can make something out of them! Something edgy, and... downtown rock 'n' roll!" She's a regular Maria Von Trapp with the scissors and a sewing machine. Not only was her tunic dress a shapeless mess that barely covered her pixellated regions, but paired with that silver jacket of hers, she would have felt right at home on the set of the campy early 80s version of "Flash Gordon". Not the boreworms! Anything but the boreworms!

Kay had some sharp outfits this week; I especially liked her royal blue jacket paired with a black top and simple silver jewelery, and her makeup has seemed less beige lately. What I want to know is, why the fuck is she dictating her memoirs to Amber?! I realize that in her youth, she chiseled her homework assignments on stone tablets and was among the first to cheer when the wheel finally got invented, but this is 2008 and no one writes longhand anymore. See, there are these things called tape recorders and what they do is, they take the sound of your voice and then the magic spirits inside replicate your words when you push the enchanted button. Get with the times, lady!

My favorite thing for the week has got to be Gloria in a white turtleneck and coat with a huge fluffy white alpaca scarf. Who does she think she is, the Snow Queen? Blizzardella, Empress of the North? I notice she managed to kill Kevin's libido once again with her inappropriate sex talk. I'm sure Jana will have some words for Glo when Jana's limp-dicked boyfriend starts screaming in his sleep.

In case you forgot he existed, which of course we all tend to do, Devon showed up briefly to bore us with his nonexistent personality for a few scenes. Dude ought to be wearing panties on his face because he appears to have gown a pussy on his chin. Why anyone would grow and maintain random facial hair that neither flatters or even makes sense is beyond me, but what do I know? Shave that shit, Devon!

Editor's note: Liza is a struggling freelance writer who gives her talent at no cost to the Genoa City News. If you like her work and would like to contribute to her cause, please send a donation directly to Liza by clicking the PayPal button below.
 

Cheers? Jeers? Let Liza know.

 
Please visit this merchant
 

 Shop the GCN/Amazon Store

Shop this corner store merchant

Avon Store
Drug Store
Flower Shop
Magazine Rack
Personalization Shop
PetStore
PhotoShop
Video
Vitamin Shop
More Merchants