The Genoa City News

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Scratching the Surface

Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
March 18, 2008

Dear readers, can I just state for the record that it truly chaps my ass when everybody is wearing the same clothes from last Thursday, leaving me very little to comment upon in the way of heinous fashion for Tuesday? Well, it sucks. Since there isn't much to cover, let me begin by asking you how in the hell Sabrina The Tranny can afford to switch her flight reservations a dozen times a week? Listen, here in the real world we all know it costs some serious cash to make changes to your travel plans. I know this because back when I was long-distance with the Liberal Atheist Boyfriend, there was one visit where I just couldn't bring myself to leave him so I called in to work and said I'd "missed my plane" - which was true in the sense that it's difficult to catch a flight when you're nowhere near the airport - and changed it to the next day, to the tune of an amount that can only speak to my desperation to remain in Colorado with my sweetie. So how is Sabrina managing to throw her flight plans around like used Kleenex?

I guess pissing away hundreds of dollars is worth it to her as long as she gets to have her General Foods International Coffee moments with Victoria and "Casey" at the Jitter Joint, pretentiously discussing art shows and lipping her words like she's itching to suck some wealthy geriatric dick. It's just gross! I'll tell you what else is gross: "Casey" with his ponytail and gauzy periwinkle scarf and his slight LISP. Are you kidding me? This is the best we can expect from an implied gay cameo? Good God, I half expected the guy to pull an "Oh snap, girlfriend! No you di-in't!" How insulting to the gay male audience, really.

Speaking of insulting, would it kill the makeup people to bother with a little continuity? Victoria was wearing dark red lipstick at the Jitter Joint while Fruity McStereotype fawned over her baby. Later at the office, she was still wearing the same crappy looking TJ Maxx dalmation-spotted cardigan, but her lipstick was a neutral shade. Am I the only one who notices this stuff?! That's kind of a rhetorical question, actually.

I don't even know how to approach Gloria's er, um, negligee. It pains me to use those words in the same sentence. That is not of the Lord. Well, she didn't show much skin, so we can be grateful for small favors. I don't know; it sort of looked like a semi-sheer black caftan and didn't strike me as worthy of pitching a tent. But the funniest thing about the whole botched seduction was when Gloria declared "I need to put something in my stomach." Oh, I'll bet you do and I would hazard a guess that Bathrobe Bardwell has a very specific suggestion for you, dear. Yikes!

In case you didn't get the memo, it was Scarf Day in Genoa City on Monday. Both Gloria and Jana had scarves tied around their hair - I wondered if that mirroring was deliberately done to indicate that Kevin subconsciously wants a girl just like the nutjob who expelled him from her leopard-print loins lo, those many years ago. Jana's scarf was red and shiny and adorned with skulls and crossbones, whereas Glo's was simply her usual animal print. If we're doing a headband death match, Jana the Pirate totally wins. Arrr, matey!

Finally, Lauren and Michael were back on Monday to attend the Whackaloon Jamboree at the Yawn Abbott Memorial "Mansion" Of Lava Lamps, and Lauren was decked out in a tight ruby red satin dress with full, pleated elbow-length sleeves. It took me forever to figure out who she reminded me of - but it came to me. Her dress vaguely recalled "Violet", the Bad Girl in "It's A Wonderful Life", who did not want to climb the mountains with George Bailey and innocently watch at the sunrise but who was known to be a WHOREY WHOREY WHORE. Lauren's boobs were practically overflowing that low neckline and honestly, the effect was more cheap than alluring. Middle aged women can certainly be sexy, but you don't need to overdo it! That dress was a bit much for even the Athletic Supporter, let alone eating takeout off the coffee table. What do these people have against grocery stores, ovens, tables and chairs?! Seriously!

Editor's note: Liza is a struggling freelance writer who gives her talent at no cost to the Genoa City News. If you like her work and would like to contribute to her cause, please send a donation directly to Liza by clicking the PayPal button below.
 

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