Please visit this merchant

Scratching the Surface

Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
May 16, 2008

You know, dear readers, I may be a crass, vulgar woman, lacking the grace and elegance of more delicate females - it's true. I enjoy bucking convention and using the Eff Word as often as humanly possible. I often get emails from various of you in which you tell me that on the one hand you enjoy my columns and find them amusing, but on the other hand, am I aware that I have a mouth on me like a grizzled sailor? Yes, I am aware of this, having been a big old sweary swearmouth since approximately the second grade, and from time to time I seek to tone it down so that your internal dissonance is relieved. For example, I no longer blithely say "c*nt" in my columns - I now use more refined, gentle phrases like "country pie" and "babymaker". There may be hope for me yet.

But despite my inherent coarseness, there is one thing I would never do.

Wear white to my ninth wedding.

Nikki Foster Bancroft DiSalvo Newman Abbott Landers Newman Newman Chow seems to have no sense of shame. At this point she should be wearing red to her weddings with a tiara sporting a scarlet letter. But no, at the wacky hippie tye-dye shack in Mexico, she proudly walked through the garden in a pure white cotton nightgown with her hair done up in perfect pin curls the likes of which I had not seen since I was a server in a restaurant, working the night of the local high school prom. Note to any and all current prom attendees: be nice to your waitress, and don't shove breadsticks up your nose no matter how funny you think it is if you're hoping for some action at the afterparty.

Nikki did look pretty, but I just can't take a ninth marriage seriously. If you've managed to screw it up that many times, your eligibility ought to be officially revoked. Nice job getting that pre-nup in place. Oops, except she didn't. Bye bye, Nikki's money! Nice knowing you! Maybe Chow can find a hot rooster fight in a nearby alley while Nikki is using the ladies' room at the local cantina after having a celebratory Virgin Pina Colada.

Sharon and Phyllis both did better this week, opting to not expose their Dinners with severely low cut dresses and barely-there halter tops. Phyllis, I think, is required to bare her shoulders at all times, so of course she was wearing an ivory sleeveless top with an overlayer of thin strips of what looked like crepe georgette, but at least her boobs were covered, and with the Charlie's Angels hair she was sporting, she actually looked quite pretty. Sharon's hair was as infuriatingly flappy as ever, but her black and white zig-zag patterned v-neck sheath wasn't too tight and looked pretty decent. Nick seemed to think it was hunting season, showing up for work in a J. Crew blaze-orange long sleeved tee. I guess it's better than his lemon yellow argyle sweater a few weeks ago!   More

 
Please visit this merchant