Well! CBS must be feeling mighty proud of their
ingenious idea to launch an actual
web site tied in
with the Restless Style Magazine storyline that has
been boring the shit out of viewers for lo, these
many weeks. What an innovative, cutting edge idea!
Except that all the major magazines have already had
such web sites since approximately five minutes
after Al Gore invented the Internet. Big effing
deal.
Brent Kellogg demanded that I waste a perfectly good
chunk of my weekend critiquing that sorry
self-congratulatory waste of bandwidth, and since
Brent is a real asshole when you argue with him, I
reluctantly agreed on the condition that he supply
me with adequate liquor.
Let's begin with the look of the "online magazine".
It looks... fine. Bright colors, pretty pictures of
imaginary socialite cover girls, and a fake ad for
the Jitter Joint. Brent has been running the Genoa
City News since dinosaurs roamed the earth and I
don't recall Kevin Fisher ever contacting HIM to run
an ad, so screw them. The redesigned Useless Style
logo is vastly better than its earlier incarnation,
but still, there's nothing new or different to
distinguish Useless Style's web site from any dozens
of others.
Now let's click on "About Us" to see what vapid
drivel is being written about the Foolish Foursome.
Quotations are in boldface; my editorial asides are
in italics.
Oh dear. It's pretty bad.
Restless Style is the brainchild of four very
creative minds
snort! wheeze cough cough
...who came together to create a unique fashion and
lifestyle webzine experience.
I think they need to Google the definition of
"unique"
The idea came about when two couples, Jack and
Sharon Abbott and Nicholas and Phyllis Newman...
All of whom used to be married to and cheating on
each other...
...were chatting after a friendly dinner at the
Abbott home in Genoa City, Wisconsin.
...because they had nothing better to do on a
Friday night than sit around eating takeout with
their exes.
As the former CEO of internationally renowned Jabot
Cosmetics, Jack Abbott was looking for a new outlet
for his energy and resources, while Nicholas had
recently left...
Snicker... if by "left" you mean "got kicked to
the curb"!
...a career in his family's business at world
conglomerate Newman Enterprises and was itching for
a creative venture. Nicholas' wife, Phyllis, a
former web site guru at both Newman and Jabot
Cosmetics, was integral in the development of RS as
both a print and online magazine.
Sharon Abbott also joined the team, bringing her
knowledge of the fashion industry.
Does this knowledge include maintaining an
unflattering and unstylish hairdo for the last few
years?
...and her experience as spokesperson for the
"Beauty of Nature" cosmetics line.
Which includes, but is not limited to, shoving
people off cliffs!
Wow! That certainly made for some compelling
reading. But wait! There's more! We also have an
article about the imaginary socialite! Check this
out:
You could be forgiven for thinking Samantha
Cresswell, "Sam" to her friends, is the Hostess, and
not a lifelong customer of Beverly Hills' iconic
bistro La Scala. It's a wonder her cheeks aren't
lipstick-smeared callouses (sic)
from all the affectionate
pecks from other lunchtime habitudes.
Who. Is. WRITING this crap? "Lipstick-smeared
callouses"? What a charming turn of phrase. Friends,
that is one badly written opening paragraph. Wait -
let me get out my red pen.
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