It's a sad, sad day in Genoa City, dear readers,
when the best-dressed person in town is none other
than Amber "Indecent Exposure" Moore. I'm not saying
I was head-over-heels in love with her mid-thigh
length black and white mod dress, but it was a
simple cut, her Pixellated Regions were covered, her
boobs weren't hanging out, and her hair was pulled
back into a neat bun. I can't say the same for
Phyllis "The Age of Aquarius" Newman and her
ultra-clingy backless dress with the "groovy" blue
print. That flimsy thing was held together by a
couple of black strings in the back and was so
tight, I could see the outline of her belly button.
I don't know how many muffins and cookies Phyllis
snarfed down at the launch party, but a side view
had her looking uncharacteristically bloated.
Speaking of baked goods, is this town the
Anti-Atkins or what?! They're constantly gorging on
huge muffins and gourmet cookies, "Death By
Chocolate", Gina's special fudge brownies,
éclairs,
and pastries the size of your head. Any local doctor
who specializes in diabetes is going to have a field
day when the entire town goes on insulin.
Sweet tooth aside, how saccharine was David's showy
speech as he toasted his lovely new bride? I was
practically gagging. In claiming he would do
anything for Nikki, he conveniently left out the
part where he can't be bothered to give up gambling.
Nikki was absolutely glowing, though, and looked
better than she has in ages. She looks great in
jeans, and I loved her cute red leather jacket; both
the color and cut were very flattering. WHY doesn't
she wear more pantsuits instead of those big frumpy
tight dresses and huge wide belts?
Victoria needs to lay off the heavy stage makeup and
comb her goddamned hair. That is all I have to say
about Victoria.
Victor is still on his recent kick of eschewing a
tie so he can walk around showing off his silver
chest hairs. Listen, Pops, no one is buying what
you're selling. Sabrina's dress was high-necked as
usual, black with a pattern of metallic gold
circles. I've seen uglier garments, but it did
nothing for her, and she should have worn her hair
pulled back. So should Sharon. Well, personally I
think Sharon should just shave her frickin' head,
but I don't get a vote. I didn't like her
chocolate-brown strapless dress with fixed
box-pleats all around the bodice and a full, stiff,
pleated shirt. She looked like poopy origami in that
thing.
Katherine surprised me by wearing khaki pants, which
seemed very Dockers if you ask me, but her taupe and
black jacket over a black shell looked great, and
her newly reddened hair was perfectly coiffed. Damn,
she's such a class act. She always looks pulled
together with clean lines and nicely tailored
clothes. Lauren, on the other hand, looked like she
was stuffed into that high-waisted skirt, and the
frothy ruffled bib of her camisole resembled
puked-up Kleenex. I don't understand these women and
their skirts with waistbands that come up to their
armpits. That style makes their butts look huge and
their torsos look positively stumpy! Lauren's hair
looks like fried crap when it's straight and like
fried crap when it's curled, so she should go ahead
and shave her head too. It could be a new trend!
She's supposed to be so fashion-forward but her hair
isn't even remotely stylish!
Last Friday, it was back to the early 1990s as Jana
smelled like teen spirit in a red polka-dotted
sundress over a shrunken white tee. All she needed
were black bike shorts under her dress and a pair of
Doc Martins and she'd be all set to reprise the role
of Blossom. Is it too soon to bring back grunge? I
still have a box of flannel shirts somewhere! JT
"The Lesbian Lumberjack" Hellstrom would feel right
at home!
Editor's note: Liza is a struggling freelance writer
who gives her talent at no cost to the Genoa City
News. If you like her work and would like to
contribute to her cause, please send a donation
directly to Liza by clicking the PayPal button
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