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He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

December 12, 2006
by Brent Kellogg

Oh Lord, I thought I was going to lose my lunch. I thought I'd heard for the umpteenth time Colleen Carlton badgering J.T. Hellstrom about keeping secrets from her when damn but what she did it again! Much as I dislike J.T., mostly because he's pretending to be a private eye, I'm starting to feel sorry for him.

Before getting to the good part of today's news, I must say that when someone asks another someone whether that someone can handle two holidays at the same time, someone is insane and it ain't me. Imagine, if you can, Rebecca Kaplan asking Victoria Carlton if she can deal with Christmas and Hanukkah and Victoria saying, well, yes, she can. Why shouldn't she? Is it too much for Rebecca to deal with? It wasn't for Abby Carlton. In fact Abby was looking forward to both holidays just the other day.

What I want to know though, maybe you too, is where they stash Rebecca? She's been in Genoa City for months and except for the immediate family nobody knows? Abby hasn't blabbed that all over town? Jack Abbott has never seen Rebecca before either? That's what Jack said today. He was shocked, actually. Not that it takes much to shock her, Sharon Newman was too. She acted like she didn't know who Rebecca is. She told Jack she's never seen Rebecca before. She said too that Brad Kaplan, um, George Carlton, whoever, has never mentioned Rebecca to her before. Well, maybe once.

After meeting Sharon in person, Rebecca made the strangest remark I ever did hear. What's a woman like Sharon doing with a creep like Jack? Excuse me, Honey. Obviously you don't know Sharon. But then you don't know Jack either. He's the King of creeps.

That few know about Rebecca aside, the big story of the day was this new development in the Carmen Mesta murder case. She is thought to have been killed in the Newman Enterprises break room! Think about this, Grand Central Station, there's always someone in it, and yet some moron chose this as the place to kill someone?

Crazy too is the notion that chief persecutor Will Bardwell still ranks Devon Hamilton at the top of his list of those who most wanted Mesta dead. Why is this? Because Hamilton's fingerprints are all over the incriminating evidence. Never mind that there are dozens of other fingerprints on it too, the Keystone Kops are going to again go over the break room with a fine-toothed comb.

Would this be anything like re-opening a crime scene? It be. There must have been hundreds of people in the break room, if that's where Mesta was killed, so what evidence do the Kops hope to find that wouldn't be tainted? I swear, this is nearly as bad as Paul 'Clueless' Williams saying he has other clients and Lily Romalotti demanding to know why Clueless dropped her brother's case and yet Romalotti didn't ask Clueless to name just one other client. Mrs. Romalotti does not seem to know that this best of the best PI works out of a broom closet with half a staff such that J.T. Hellstrom is half man, half monkey.

Oh, but it gets worse!

You have no doubt heard, and the one or two readers who don't like that I inject reality into fiction will forgive me, those few who say it's okay for the government to spy on us because if we don't have anything to hide we shouldn't be afraid, right? Well, that fits Jana Hawkes to a tee!

Told today by Bardwell that he wants her to voluntarily submit her fingerprints, told by her boyfriend who knows first hand what the Kops can do when they're on a witch hunt, Hawkes said sure! She'll give up her prints. Why? Out of some patriotic loyalty? Maybe some, but what really turns Hawkes on, what makes her want to give up her rights, is that in doing so she'll get to see what really goes on inside a real police station!

I know you're laughing so hard you can't read on and with that, perhaps the dumbest thing you've ever heard, you'll excuse me if I don't get into Colleen Carlton's writing in her notebook, in a college classroom, he loves me, he loves me not, as she dreams of professor Gerbil.

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