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News from the Newsroom

Die Laughing

January 5, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

Oh, Lord. I thought I'd die laughing when I heard that thunder thighs Brad Carlton, worried for days that someone was following him but could only fret, actually took action today to do something about it albeit not until the mystery man was right outside his door.

Turns out the man was an out-of-town private eye hired by Victor Newman to get the goods on Brad Carlton even though it was thought Newman had called the investigation off since they, the Newmans and the Carltons, while in danger, were in it as a family.

That Victor had to hire a PI from the nearby town of Madison was no surprise as Genoa City's best, pretend PI J.T. Hellstrom and clueless Paul Williams, were otherwise engage. Williams with kidnapping Sheila Carter and Hellstrom with putting the pork to Colleen Carlton.

But like the PIs in Genoa City, the one from Madison is a boob too. Caught up in Carlton's' grip and worried that he'd be killed, the dude spilled his guts following which Mr. and Mrs. Carlton ran straight to the Newman Ponderosa to hiss at Newman that they don't like being spied on. Worried that his eldest daughter might die as a result of Carlton's indiscretions and thirst for blood, Newman said he did what he did to protect Victoria Newman.

His nerves under control, Carlton confessed to having killed the two Nazis who kidnapped Sharon Newman and said that if he had it all to do over he wouldn't have changed a thing. Impressed by Carlton's devotion to family, Newman praised Carlton saying if the shoe was on the other foot he'd have done the same thing Carlton did.

This passing of the peace pipe as it were complete, and everyone stoned out of their heads high on themselves, Newman again said he'll do whatever it takes to help and that furthermore, more than ever before, they are not only in this together, they are allied.

As if this weren't enough to keep one laughing for weeks, the scene of Carlton's daughter making goo-goo eyes at her college professor and the hunkmonkey/PI who loves her, sitting right next to her at the Jitter Joint not seeing what was going on, was.

While he wished that professor Gerbil would go away, Colleen told J.T. not to sweat the small stuff. She may not be working for Gerbil any longer but he's still her professor and she's somehow obligated to wink and smile and wave at him as he winks and smiles and waves back. It was only after the professor had practically pulled out his weenie and told Hellstrom, "Hey, I did your lady right on campus," that J.T. caught on. Informing Colleen that she had been busted, J.T. nevertheless looked on as the professor gave Colleen a book which Gerbil said J.T. should "look at" sometime.

Unless it was the illustrated version of How To Have Sex with Students, that J.T. would not be told to "read it sometime" made sense given J.T.'s a college dropout and most likely can't read beyond Devon Hamilton's 4th grade level or he would have seen the writing on the bathroom walls, "For a good time, call Colleen Carlton."

Blind as a bat, Colleen's not much better if she can't figure out that Gerbil is doing Amber Moore too whenever Amber isn't researching the baby Katherine Chancellor stole from Jill Abbott. At the professor's booty parlor, Amber found on the Internet something about a kid looking for his birth mother. Using the screen name, "Mr. Searcher", which is almost as bad as Kevin Fisher using the handle "Fisherman", the kid posted for the world to see that his adoptive mother named Violet just happened to kick the bucket before she could reveal who "Mr. Searcher's" real parents are.

Presuming Violet was as old as partner in crime Katherine is, Katherine better hurry up and tell Jill the truth before her ticker shuts down too.

And so it came to, um, pass, that Katherine just happened to be seeing a re-run of her nightmare at the time and not knowing what else to do, summoned Nikki Newman to the Chancellor Mausoleum to help her decide. Even then it took some doing. Rather than just say why she'd requested Nikki make the one-hour trip into town, Katherine had to sputter to Nikki within Jill's hearing distance that she hadn't been able to bring herself to tell Jill because, well, she doesn't want to hurt Jill.

So why not just shut the hell up and let the secret die with her since she could die any day anyway? Because if she did this guy Cane, Mr. Searcher, would have to go on searching and we can't have that. Think about it. All the wasted tarot card reading and psychic looking on the "other side" would have been for not.

And so it was that the ugly truth spewed from Katherine's flabby lips. Yes, she almost sold Jill's baby, Phillip III. Yes, she did it because she didn't want Jill raising Phillip Chancellor II's kid. Yes, she rationalized that it was okay because at the time she was in a drunken stupor and hated Jill will a passion for stealing her man.

Now, ask yourself. Does this not make you want to die laughing?

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