The Genoa City News has learned that local Internet star and high school underachiever
Raul Guittierez will soon receive a "Dear Raul" type rejection slip via snail
mail from an Institute Of Higher Learning. Sources tell GCN that the college in question
is Harvard, but that is unconfirmed at this time.
For the longest time, Ragin' Raul was a rebel without a clue. He bristled at the very
suggestion of higher education. He would bark at his friends, brother, and anyone else who
would listen that he didn't need a stinking college degree. For the longest time, he
seemed incapable of writing a simple essay that would inform a prospective college of what
he's made of academically and socially. Guittierez could have written about his Internet
stardom or how he bravely cheated death by coming out of a diabetic coma. He chose to do
neither.
In a half hearted effort, the fool finally fished his foul smelling attempt at essay
writing out of a high school waste basket and submitted the damn document. Its contents
are unknown, but his fellow "Glow Worm" and pseudo girlfriend, Brittany Hodges
claimed that the insolent insulin boy could do much better. That sentiment is highly
questionable. This is the same Raul Guittierez who failed to detect the smell of pot when
a freshly stoned teen was directly under his nose. Guittierez also gave himself two
insulin shots in the span of a few minutes. This excess of insulin caused Guittierez to
fly into a rage and go into shock at the Newman coffee shop by day, club for all ages by
night. He very nearly killed himself.
Considering his highly erratic nature, lack of ambition, and failure to monitor his own
heath, perhaps Guittierez belongs at some sort of trade school. It's highly unlikely that
any ivy covered institute of higher learning would be interested in having the dim witted,
unstable Guittierez as a student.
Clean
Getaway
January 9, 2003
It was the day the Sugar Shack hostage crisis came to an end. Not with a
hail of gunfire and two members of the Guittierez family clinging to life,
but rather with the help of crime busters Billy Abbott and Larry 'Wartman'
Warton who all escaped with their meaningless lives intact. After summoning
assistance, cocky, nobody better mess with my woman, Raul returned to the
shack alone to confront the bandits holding a gun on Brittany Hodges.
"You must be the guys who mugged him [Diego Guittierez]. You bastards!
What's wrong with you?" Guittierez howled in a semi-coherent and shockingly
useless manner and was immediately whacked upside the head for being stupid.
Convinced they did not have the much sought after drug dealer known as
Diego, the bad guys demanded Raul tell where the pusher man was.
As if tiny robotic worm-like creatures were yanking little levers in his
brain making him talk, a defiant Raul said, "I won't tell you even if it
kills me!"
Whacked and bloodied, Raul continued putting on a 'I'm gonna kick some bad
ass' facade until pus-head Abbott and excuse me, I just had sex with Billy's
mother and you better watch out or I'll crack you over the head with my
sticky wrench, Warton burst through the door.
"You stop right now," sissy Billy ordered and the banditos did not quiver or
say, "What? You gonna hit us with your purse?"
Letting out a bone-rattling exhalation of terrible bliss, faux-kidnap victim
Brittany warned of the gun held by one of the banditos before promising not
to call the cops if they would just leave and by golly, all would be
forgiven.
Admonishing the kiddies not to call the fuzz, and reminding them that they
would find the drug dealer one of these dark and dreary days, the banditos
made a clean getaway.
Noting for future reference that one of those bad dudes looked familiar,
Warton stood guard outside the shack door in the event the banditos returned
to see which was most powerful; his wrench or their gun. Because she was
phenomenally boring and everything she did in her controlled little life was
a desperate cry for help, Brittany shooed Billy away so that Raul could
blame himself for what had happened and she could say no, it was all her
fault, and bad karma would come back to haunt her for shoplifting and
generally being in need of a good spanking.
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