Originally published March 25, 2002

Funeral for a Photographer

On March 25, 2002, the Malcolm Winters memorial was held for the relatively unknown fashion photographer. The event was tossed together at the last moment and anyone who is anyone in Genoa City managed to rearrange their schedules for the tearful event.

Gathered together at the Peace of Mind Chapel where perky mourners gawked and others haggled, Winters' fiancée, Alex Perez was praised for capturing the "essence" of Winters in a tacky display of photographs found laying around in the desk drawers of the dead man's photo studio.

Social butterflies in attendance included the founder of Jabot Cosmetics, old man John 'Yawn' Abbott and RoadKill Cafe owner Gina Roma, who appeared to be helping Abbott stay awake.

Other socialites included Mrs. Katherine Sterling who, for the second time in recent history, had allowed her live-in slave, Ether Valentine, to attend the social function although neither woman knew Winters from Adam.

One highlight of the event was the appearance of Mr. Victor Newman who was accompanied by former wife, Nikki. Unfortunately, Newman was called away on business before the ceremony began.

As expected, half-brother of the deceased, Neil Winters was on hand. Winters' former wife and his brother's two-time lover, Dru Winters, was nice enough to send flowers from Paris on very short notice.

Live-in Abbott house guest and former maid, PainMe Johnson directed foot traffic, stood by to read notes attached to flower arrangements and read any messages of condolence sent by e-mail.

Closing his detective agency for the day, Paul 'Clueless' Williams, his puppy dog secretary Lynne 'Yes-Boss' Bassett and office file clerk, Marisa Barton drifted in to mingle with the crowd. Williams' live-in dirt bag, dizzy Izzy Brana failed to appear out of concern that being seen with Williams would cause the entire focus of the memorial service to shift to her.

Coffee shop moguls Nick and Sharon Newman made the scene after Mrs. Newman arranged to have her children dumped into her wheelchair bound mother's lap if the service ran long.

No sooner had Jabot stockholder Jill Abbott and employee/boy toy Sean Bridges arrived when Mrs. Abbott began to sputter how it was she who was responsible for Winters fame and fortune.

Malcolm Winters former wife, Dr. Olivia Winters and the boy he called "son", Nate Hastings, were seen collaborating on a speech the youngster was preparing in honor of his "dad."

A bit on the strange side, Abbott's son Jack arrived with Mr. and Mrs. Brad Carlton and without new bride Phyllis Abbott at his side. However, Mrs. Abbott was already casing the chapel trying to keep the persons she suspected of being involved with Winters' death under close scrutiny.

Mrs. Abbott's stink eye was so obvious she had to be warned by her employer's daughter, Victoria Newman, to stop the evil vibes or live to regret it. Like so many in Genoa City do whenever anyone dies, Abbott had placed the blame on herself. "It’s my fault that he [Winters] is gone," she whimpered.

The service began with a rehearsed run-of-the-mill prologue by the Reverend Parks who, while it is highly unlikely he knew anything about Winters, babbled that the dearly departed had changed so much during his years in Genoa City and was a "loving, caring man who loved his family and especially his son."

The son tag was a cue for Nate Hastings to amble before the congregation to say how much he loved his "daddy."

"I loved him so much and he loved me. My daddy died trying to save someone else. He was a hero," Hastings said choking back the tears. So that there could be no doubt, Hastings' mother rushed to her son's side, gave him a hug, and chanted the mantra previously imbedded in Hastings' brainwashed mind.

"Your daddy was a hero. Not all heroes come home. But we'll remember him forever. Good bye Malcolm," she chanted.

After a closing prayer by Reverend Parks the assembled bodies broke down. Tears poured from their eyes and mucus filled their noses.

Another memorial service in the bag those gathered began putting the past behind them so as to get on with the business of mudslinging and backbiting their respective enemies.

Attack of the Glow Worms
by Michael Kelly and Brent Kellogg

April 8, 2002
by Brent Kellogg

With any luck Genoa City has seen the last of those annoying Jabot Cosmetics product whores known as the Glow Worms.

The brain child of Jabot co-owner Jill Abbott, 'Glow by Jabot' debuted during the summer of 2000. To coincide with the event web site designer Phyllis Summers launched the Glow Worms web site.

Jabot CEO Jack Abbott was totally supportive of the project too.

"Getting the site on-line was a high priority for us," Abbott said of the company's need to promote the Glow summer line of products. In fact, Abbott said at the time he couldn't think of a better advertising campaign.

For months the web site promoted streaming video and a chat room for customers who had become infatuated with the Worms. Firing up their web browsers, customers watched for hours as Walnut Grove Academy students Billy Abbott and Brittany Hodges in particular lounged at the Abbott pool/web site control.

The teens were frequently seen dabbing greasy sun tan oil on one another and pulling cheesy swim suits parts out from their butt cracks. As the summer dragged the emphasis became focused more on Hodges rear end and her deep sexual moaning and eye fluttering at Abbott.

In time, teenager J.T. Hellstrom joined the crowd and was frequently seen hanging at the pool with a flask stuck in his pocket from which he took an occasional drink. Before the project ended teen Raul Guittierez would be found near death from diabetic shock and Hodges faked sex with Abbott.

Pleased with the bottom line, Jack Abbott voiced concern that America had become, "A nation of voyeurs" and shut the site down.

The gigantic web cast culminated with the selection of four 'winners' of a chat room contest who were flown into Genoa City from as far away as Hawaii. At a moments notice, the winners were announced, airline reservations made during the busy holiday season and all arrived in Genoa City at the same time only to disappear hours later.

The web site found another life during the summer of 2001 with a special added attraction known as the Glowtique. Looking more like a cheap bar lounge or a badly organized garage sale, the Glow by Jabot boutique was located in the busy Jabot lobby. On opening day a crowd had gathered outside hours before doors opened. Shoppers eagerly awaited to snatch up the sparse goods. A guard stood by to control how many patrons would be allowed inside the store at one time.

During times when the Glowtigue was closed, persons like Jill Abbott and her boy toy Sean Bridges had sex behind the counter.

When September rolled around both the Glow website and the Glowtigue were shut down.

It was hoped Jabot executives had learned their lesson but recently rumors began swirling that the Glow Worms would be back for another year.

This week however, new Jabot webmaster Sean Bridges indicated that if the website returns it will be without the Glow Worms. In agreement, Jill Abbott stated "Our teens are a mess" and confirmed customers will not purchase cosmetic products from the old worms.

"We need to change our focus. We should go for a mature audience only," Bridges suggested.

Unfortunately, Bridges has alluded that he and his mother, um, lover, Jill Abbott will be the stars this year.

Summer worm scourge unavoidable?

April 16, 2002
by Michael Kelly

Jabot Cosmetics web master of destruction Sean Bridges made further plans on Tuesday to resurrect the teen terror campaign of pain known as The Glow Worms.

Bridges dropped into the Java Hut with confirmed Glow Worms Raul Guittierez, Brittany Hodges, and J.T. Hellstrom when he encountered Jabot founder Yawn Abbott and his granddaughter Colleen Carlton. Bridges told Yawn that they need another girl to pair with Abbott's son Billy, a veteran Glow Worm. Hellstrom piped up that Billy's new gal pal Danny Girl "Ho" Jorgenson would be ideal.

Yawn was shocked! This was the first he'd heard about his youngest son being involved in another teen fling. Actually, it was also the first time Yawn had heard a word about the Glow Worm campaign resuming this year!

Jabot CEO Jack Abbott hasn't been consulted either! Perhaps Jacko's too busy obsessing over the custody battle he's fighting with sperm thief Diane Jenkins over his recently discovered son, Baby K "Stinky" Jenkins.

Colleen Carlton asked Grandpa Yawn if she could be a Glow Worm this year. Yawn told the former dope smoker that, as a 15 year old, she was simply too young to sulk by a swimming hole with other teens and hawk cosmetics. Carlton handled the deep disappointment like a champ when she was permitted to be a Glow gofer! She'd have the enviable task of passing out cheap Glowtique visors and Jabot suntan oil to the web celebs.

The tap dancer was still on a natural high after learning she'd be hoofing it in Walnut Grove Academy's production of Much Ado About Nothing. Ironically enough, that would be an appropriate name for the annual Glow Worm debacle.

A Walnut Grove student known only as Erica also expressed interest in becoming a Glow By Jabot "kid." As an African American, Erica would provide the very white washed world of the Glow Worms with some much needed and very refreshing ethnic diversity. Unfortunately, Erica isn't really a part of the Glow kid clique. Another strike against her is the fact that she looks 25 if she's a day. Then again, Guittierez, Hodges, and Hellstrom don't look like spring chickens either. Erica will probably have to settle for carrying a clip board around backstage at WGA.

It's highly unlikely that another summer season spent watching sniping, overgrown, zit covered, humdrum teens bake in the sun would benefit Jabot's teen target clientele or the company's bottom line.

Just last year, Jack Abbott expressed dismay that watching the fumbles and foibles of the Glow Worms on the internet would turn the world's teen population into shameless "voyeurs."

If only Abbott were right! In the past two summers, all that anyone can remember of these slimy slugs is Hodges pulling her swimsuit panties out of the crack in her backside. Oh, and her cleavage wasn't bad either.

The most fascinating chapter of the Glow saga occurred in 2000, when Hodges used Sominex to simulate a sex scene with a zonked out Billy Abbott. That moment was caught on camera, but never aired anywhere! So much for teen titillation. No wonder Glow Worm profits are down, and the Glowtique is usually empty.

If there's one bright spot concerning this year's upcoming shining Glow show, it's the fact that morose Mackenzie Browning will reportedly not take part this year. The former Glow geek would rather not have to glower at former boyfriend Billy now that she thinks he's diddling Danny Girl. Let's be grateful we won't have to see Browning's pasty, skeletal frame try to fill out a bikini!

The Tape Tells no Tale

by Michael Kelly
Originally published May 1, 2002

Proving that the smallest minds hatch the stupidest schemes, suspected stalker Ralph Hunnicutt used a meaningless cassette tape this week to blackmail ex-wife Amanda Browning. If she won't hit up the loaded Katherine Chancellor for a large chunk of her cash, Ralphie Boy will play the tape with no tale for their teen terrorist daughter Mackenzie!

The closest Browning came to incriminating herself on the tape in question is when she admitted she didn't believe mousey Mac years ago when the girl claimed she'd been fondled by Hunnicutt. Of course, her daughter is already well aware of that. In the course of their recorded conversation, Amanda only expressed confusion over what transpired between her husband and daughter.

The rest of the tape contains nothing more than Hunnicutt blathering on about Browning, Jr. being a liar, how "hot" he and his wife were together, and impassioned pleas for a second chance from the little woman. Heck, Hunnicutt gabbed far more than Browning did. Is this anemic ammunition the basis for blackmail?

The answer is a resounding no!

Unfortunately, Amanda failed to realize this. The woman needed time to think. If she had that ability, Browning would have laughed in Ralphie Boy's face and told him to take his tape and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. The fact that she failed to do this only proves that the Walnut Grove Academy hash slinger relishes being a glutton for punishment. Anyone whoever saw the woman grovel for forgiveness and affection at the feet of her overbearing offspring can attest to that.

But how dangerous is this Orange Crushed Phantom? Mackenzie herself recently admitted to Amanda's new boyfriend that Hunnicutt never laid a hand on her mother. Apparently, he's only a menace to chalky white teenaged girls. Certainly Mrs. Browning wouldn't have willingly followed Ralphie to his dive of a hotel if he were someone she feared. Could she have unresolved feelings for the slimy slug? Other than a face that could stop a clock, the man had no weapon in his possession.

As for Hunnicutt, any man who would spend most of his time creeping on a catwalk to be in the vicinity of either of the boring Browning women has to get a new obsession or a pair of glasses. Not to mention less conspicuous clothing. No man wears an orange plaid shirt for days on end if he hopes to fade into the woodwork. Giving his I.D. to a former felon to avoid detection seems to be the extent of his underhanded expertise.

While idiocy has always run rampant in Genoa City, this small time stunt is certainly a new low. Browning and Hunnicutt are clearly made for each other in the brains department. Armed with only a pathetically tepid tape, Hunnicutt clearly lacks the knack for blackmail.