What happened Monday at the Newman ranch just goes to show what happens
when avenging stable boys, ex-cons, and rich jerks form a coalition to nab
brainless Frito banditos when collectively they lack the brainpower to
change a flat tire.
To avoid its insipidness the scene could have emulated the Vincent Price
movie, House of Wax, where at the end professor Henry Jarrod falls
into a vat of bubbling green Dow Chemical sludge and dies, but there would
be none of that or much of anything resembling believability. Factor in
the knowledge that neither Larry 'Wartman' Warton nor Diego Guittierez had
ever been inside the Newman home long enough to know about the existence
of a safe and the whole charade becomes a falling down laughing joke.
After ordering his slave to locate and warn members of the precious Newman
family to stay away from the ranch until further notice, and of course not
telling them why, the great Victor Newman checked with crime fighters
Diego and Larry to be sure the trap was set. It was a plan only a pack of
weirdly mutated hairless dwarfs could have thought up.
Trigger-happy Diego would let the banditos in by the back gate as the
Wartman pretended to be drilling open the safe located by the bar inside
the main house. As the banditos were arriving Diego would call the cops
allowing the fuzz plenty of time to make the one-hour drive and subsequent
arrest.
Over Diego's objection, Victor said there would be no guns even though it
was known the banditos were packing heat.
"You don’t understand. These guys left me for dead. I want my shot at
them," Diego sniveled only to be called "son" by Victor and reminded that
things at the Newman ranch are done the Newman way.
Remarkably, a call came in on Warton's cell phone. The banditos were just
turning off the main road and would arrive within moments. Presumably, the
slave was hiding in the bushes near the main highway and made the call.
Suddenly, the plan changed slightly. Victor ordered Diego to let the
bandits in while Larry waited by the house and Victor blended into the
shadows.
When the banditos showed up everyone went inside the house. With pistol
drawn, one bandito watched as Larry began drilling the safe and out of the
corner of his eye spotted Diego reaching for the proverbial fireplace
poker. Apparently having heard about Ralph Hunnicutt's encounter with
Billy Abbott and the infamous Chancellor Estate poker fiasco, the bandito
ordered Diego to watch the window and then said nothing as Diego walked
outside.
Noticing the time, the banditos gave Larry five minutes to open the safe
and only then noticed Diego was no longer in the room. Peeking outside and
unable to see Diego, the bad guys began getting strange vibes. Larry tried
the old distraction ploy by flashing hot Newman cash at them. Gazing at
the loot, the banditos nearly jumped out of their skin when Victor
materialized.
"Let me introduce myself. I'm Victor Newman. This is my house. That is my
money," he mumbled.
The banditos were flabbergasted. Their caper had gone bust. The man of
steel stood before them. They knew from watching too much of the TV Land
Channel that bullets bounce off Superman but waved the gun at Victor
anyway ordering him to freeze.
Cool, collective, afraid of nothing big man about town he is, Victor
ignored the order and began sweet-talking the dudes into not adding a
murder charge to their list of crimes. Besides, the place was surrounded.
To prove all those Kung-Fu lessons and workouts with Tricia Dennison
watching had paid off, Victor kicked the gun out of the armed man's hand
following through with a punch to the jaw. Waiting for the order to do
something besides play pocket pool, Diego smacked away at a bandito as
Victor and Larry stood by. Engrossed in the smack down, Victor didn't
notice the other bandito coming at him with a bottle until it had
shattered on his head.
As an unconscious Victor slumped to the floor, the Wartman pummeled the
bottle bearer into the middle of next week until there was a knock at the
door. The police were outside politely announcing their arrival.
Sadly, observers were left wondering, but not much caring, would Victor
Newman, a man who has been shot and harpooned and lived to tell about it,
die from a mere bottle upside the head? Was there any chance Diego might
still reach for a gun and be shot dead by police so that his incessant
vendetta to get even and get back Victor's money - money Victor didn't
want back and which no longer existed?
It was all in a day's work for the man of steel. Moments later, with just
a bandage around his thick head to show for the trouble, Victor appeared
none the worse for wear. Wisely refusing transport to the Center 4 Disease
for medical treatment a dazed Victor took his place in the Hall of Idiocy
alongside his daughter, Ryan McNeil, Ralph Hunnicutt and others who have
been knocked unconscious only to refuse treatment later. As the bandits
were led off to jail, high-fives were given all around as Victor thanked
ex-con Larry and Diego for a job well done and then thanked God his
electro-prostate stimulator still worked.
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