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Valentine's Day Memory Lane

February 14, 2007
by Brent Kellogg

In honor of Valentine's Day 2007, the GCN, grateful that there hasn't been a noteworthy similar celebration since 2004, and remembering, but unable to find anything in the archives, about the mattress shaped-like a heart stored in the basement of the ColonRoom on which Larry 'Wartman' Warton dazed Jill Abbott, flashed back to a couple of V-Day's gone by so named because they were more like venereal diseases that Valentine's days.

Like the one in 2003 we headlined: The Valentine's Day Massacre

Because it had been called a "high school" dance, the event was expected to be held at the school where drug dealers then roamed the corridors and students smoked odorless dope without detection. Senior Billy Abbott was so worried his freshman baby cousin would hookup with college student J.T. Hellstrom, he went out of his way to warn J.T. to keep away from Colleen Carlton.

As time wore on it was learned the 2003 Walnut Grove Academy Valentine's Day dance wasn't being held at the school at all, and none of the WGA students had been invited to what would be a mostly private affair for the Jabot Cosmetics Glowtique crowd and their assorted freaky friends. The one and only poster promoting the dance appeared on the wall of Colleen's bedroom showing the dance would be held at the Newman Jitter Joint and yet JJ proprietors had no knowledge of it until the Glow Worms showed up to decorate the place.

Making matters worse, old man John 'Yawn' Abbott announced he would chaperone the zit-infested kids purely as a means to remind Colleen that the two-week restraining order he'd issued four weeks previous was still in effect. Colleen said to hell with it. She was going to the dance whether the old fart liked it or not. If she had to, she'd slip out the bedroom window like she'd been doing all along. Yawn objected, then gave in so long as Colleen didn't go with, or see, J.T. Colleen saw this as Yawn's way of getting back at her for being a whining little snot as she'd made a sneering remark about frail old men getting their kicks by mingling with 14-year-old girls.

On the night of the dance, in a park conveniently located near the coffee shop, J.T. was waiting for an opportunity to crash the dance. He planned to literally drop through the ceiling onto a stage where he'd sing a love song for Colleen. J.T.'s timing was impeccable as, at the last moment, Yawn, the founder of a major corporation, was paged to his office to handle a major catastrophe. Sounding like a castrated Randy Travis on helium, J.T. crooned his tune. It was the perfect ending to what Colleen had thought would be her worst Valentine's Day ever.

Not that it mattered that the dance wasn't held at the school, the very next day the WGA newspaper ran a spread on the dance featuring first year student Colleen including a photo of her kissing J.T. And thus, a day meant for lovers, turned into what the Genoa City News called, the Valentine's Day Massacre.

And then there was the Valentine's Dance of 2004.

What if they threw a party and nobody came pretty much described that dance thrown at Genoa City's newest gathering place, the Athletic Supporter Club. Only the nobody's were in attendance.

Comprised of three high school students calling themselves "Charlie's Angels". teenagers Colleen Carlton, Lily Winters and Sierra NoLastName were on hand along with Carlton's lover, college student, private investigator in-training and noted hunkmonkey, J.T. Hellstrom.

Mature adults at the event included executives from Jabot Cosmetics and Newman Enterprises. Jabot spokesmodel Dru Winters attended with her husband Neil, Brad Carlton brought along his sparkling like a babbling brook wife Ashley, as did Victor Newman his cow, Nikki. The always outspoken Mr. Newman noted that as a rule child-like affairs were "not my cup of tea" but, fearing his days of freedom may be over, wished to spend every last moment with his radiant wife no matter where that might take him.

The city's oldest living slut, and owner of the Little Shop of Horrors, Lauren Fenmore was escorted to the mini-gala by the city's resident psycho, Kevin Fisher who represented himself as the man young ignorant high school girls loved to hate most.

Hosting/managing the event was the always present ASC manager, Gina Roma.

Highlights of the evening included remarks by Mr. Winters that he had come to see the live demonstration by private investigator Paul Williams on how to capture dangerous criminals. Winters, a recovering alcoholic, was so excited he ordered a martini from the bar.

While everyone commented on how beautifully the ASC had been decorated, the biggest complaint came from the Oreo-eating Sierra NoLastName who voiced displeasure that no male teens her age were there. The low turnout was attributed to the fact that until the last moment few had known about the dance, or were scared away when it was learned an Oreo-eating girl would be crowding the room.

Biggest surprise of the night was the appearance of a total stranger milling about known only as Shiloh. Said to have just arrived in the mini-megalopolis because she had been told Genoa City is "the romance capitol of the world", Shiloh's first item of business was to obtain a membership card from the ASC, and if available, a room. It was apparently by coincidence that she had come just in time for the big dance.

The most shocking event of the evening came when Roma announced that "local singer" J.T. Hellstrom would croon a tune. Rats in the kitchen were heard belching between bites that Hellstrom's was one amazing fellow. A hunkmonkey, college student, wannabe PI and singer all wrapped into one.

After Hellstrom's performance the smattering of applause did not warrant an encore and none was forthcoming much to the disappointment of Shiloh who said she liked what she heard. From the looks on her face she liked what she saw too.

Miss Carlton should have taken note of Shiloh's roving eyes but was too busy patting herself on the back for arranging Hellstrom's "surprise" performance.

Besides those mentioned, there were two other strange occurrences at this first ever held at the ASC dance. A gathering of the Newman's and the Carlton's at the same table, and Mr. Fisher's profuse apology to Miss Winters for giving her so much grief, and an STD, earlier in the year.

Like most soirées in Genoa City, the Golden Boob Award was presented by the Genoa City News. The prestigious honor went to NoLastName Sierra for blurting out that Fisher's date was baiting a trap for him. While the blunder ruined the dance for everyone, nobody had the inclination, or the energy, to kick Sierra's fat ass onto one of the club's many treadmills for about an hour.

See also: Valentine's Day 2007

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