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A Newman Christmas

December 24, 2002
by Brent Kellogg

What a miserable, self-serving greedy lot the Newman family is.

Probably wondering just how he came to be a chronically depressed pod, Victor Newman continued to wallow in self-pity at the Newman ranch Tuesday bitching and grunting how Christmas Eve without his family was going to be so sad.

It was perfectly okay all those other years when Victor abandoned the family at Christmas preferring instead to go on the road tracking down whores and home wreckers. But now, when the tables are turned, it's so awful and boo hoo that only one immediate member of the family had chosen to find something better to do.

Even an offer by Victor's former stripper wife to shed her clothing and maybe hump him in front of the Christmas tree after using a penis pump on him couldn't make the pain go away.

Likewise, Victor's granddaughter, a child who should be butchered and fed to the neighbors, was in a wretched funk of her own. Unhappy that her adopted daddy hadn't returned the phone message she left at the closed offices of Newman Enterprises, Cassie Newman was so bent out of shape she refused to help her mother and half-brother with last-minute decorations.

Like those who get too close to the ether tank, Noah Newman picked up on Cassie's rage and accused his daddy of not wanting to be with them.

And all the while the dumber than dirt Sharon Newman made excuses for her goofy husband whom she said she didn't know what, but whatever Nick Newman was doing, it had to be important.

His undeveloped mind easily programmed, Noah suddenly remembered when daddy helped string corn dogs around the fireplace and oh, wasn't that just the greatest fun?

Rolling her eyes up into their sockets in a Viagra haze and groping at her crotch, stupid, vapid Sharon suggested that maybe grandpa Victor could come down to the outhouse and help! Her secret sexual desire that Victor might come by was yanked away by the let's get real Cassie.

"Stop trying to make this seem normal. It just isn't and it never will be again," Cassie scolded.

Just when it seemed as if these weasels would be chained to their pathetic lives forever like mangy underfed dogs deserving of having burning cigars snuffed out on their pathetic little heads, Nick arrived with two big bags filled with Christmas goodies.

Suddenly, Cassie and Noah's doom and gloom were replaced by greed. They rushed to Nick's side like tiny frantic radioactive demon-monkeys running on little alien treadmills looking to see who got the biggest, most expensive gift.

In keeping with Genoa City tradition, the kids were allowed to open gifts right then and there while Sharon offered Nick a bowl of chicken and dumplings because, um, it wouldn't be Christmas otherwise and acknowledging the kid's wish that their estranged daddy be allowed to spend the night, Sharon gave her blessing.

And lo, they all trudged to the main house in a heavenly state of ultimate bliss to open even more presents and to behold the Virgin Victoria Newman who had been convinced by her latest hunk-monkey that she should grace the family with her presence.

And Victor Newman saw that it was all good.

"We are so blessed to have all of our family under one roof this Christmas Eve," the great man heaved not once giving his son, Victor Newman Jr., a thought and adding to the embarrassing string of humiliating and soul-curdling and life-defeating moves which make up a Newman Christmas.

See Also: Turkey Trot For the Homeless

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