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Andy Richards

October 29, 2002

Prodigal PI returns
by Michael Kelly

Former Clueless Alarm and Detective Agency sidekick Andy Richards returned to Genoa City on Tuesday for the first time in 15 years.

And where did Richards go immediately after departing his oh so bumpy We Fly You Anywhere In About An Hour Airlines flight into his hometown?

With Andy's luggage crammed into the trunk of Paulie's car, the over the hill Hardy Boys headed to the Newman Java Hut, of course!

Richards enjoyed a cup of just black joe, while Clueless caught him up on all the hometown hijinks and hilarity.

Williams described the former massage parlor pump he married because she was knocked up with a demonic, bastard child he naively believes is his own son as a "feisty, petite, killer cook."

And the Clueless clod really knocked raggedy Andy over with a feather when he announced his ex-wife, the neglectful mother, meddling department store diva and lifeless loser Lauren Fenmore is little Ricky Ricardo Williams's godmother!

Inexplicably, Paulie the pervert declared his former old lady Lauren is "foxier than ever," and added his best bud will soon be able to "check out" the used up merchandise for himself!

After Richards remorsefully ran his mouth about the untimely expiration of Williams's marriage to alabaster attorney Christine "Bug" Blair, who was Mrs. Williams number 3, he realized he'd committed the ultimate sacrilege by mentioning the name of the almighty albino insect without permission.

Overcome with shame, Andy stammered, "Open mouth and now I will insert foot!"

The onetime Robin to Clueless' Batman had better luck discussing how "honored" and "proud" he was to be godfather to a baby he'd probably spend all of 2 minutes with during the pagan child's lifetime.

When Richards moronically mentioned he and his mid-life crisis afflicted pal should toss around the pig skin, Clueless crowed he'd nicknamed Little Ricky "my little football!"

Certainly, the thought of these aging, Viagra taking, wannabe Alpha males, and Rogaine poster boys playing football is about as likely as Montgomery County police chief and serial sniper message sender Charles Moose proposing marriage to local butcher and mother of a retard Dr. Olivia Winters!

Richards spoke only briefly about his "great" wife Faren and confided that his pseudo daughter Betsy is on the dean's list at Arm Pit University.

Only the most seasoned Genoa City citizens are aware that amiable Andy almost married Jill Foster in 1982 and intended to enthusiastically play daddy to Foster's son Phillip.

Unfortunately, fortune hunting Foster threw Andy over for well heeled cosmetics tycoon Yawn Abbott, who at first had no idea the opportunistic woman had a son or had been stringing Andy along until she practically had Abbott's ring in her nose!

Richards's 1983 marriage to Jabot model Diane Jenkins ended in divorce a year later because she couldn't resist the snake oil charm of Yawn's son Jack, who was her employer and former flame.

Not until he met mysterious Rendezvous lounge singer Faren Conner in 1985 did the unlucky in love gum shoe find a one man woman.

The only fly in the romantic ointment?

Conner admitted to Richards she was an amnesiac who didn't even know her own real name following a serious car accident.

Despite the fact he was a private detective who helped Williams bring down Mafioso Pete Walker, aided in the rescue of Nikki Reed from the clutches of gigolo and murderer Rick Daros, and assisted Paul in unearthing his wife from a shallow grave dug by insane stalker Shawn Garrett, Andy did squat to learn anything about the woman he loved.

Who Faren really was, who her kin folk were, where she came from, and whether she had a worried sick husband and mother-less child stashed somewhere didn't matter.

They both thought it best to screw her murky past and "live for the future" by getting married in 1986.

Nosy Lauren Fenmore, then Mrs. Williams number 2, just as much an inquisitive, presumptuous pain in the ass then as she's notorious for being today, secretly placed an ad and Mrs. Richards's picture in the paper to unearth the woman's secrets.

In no time, a Pittsburgh businessman named Evan Saunderson turned up and claimed Faren was his wife Michelle and the mother of his 4 year old daughter Betsy!

Saunderson initiated divorce proceedings when a traumatized Faren told him she couldn't remember him or their daughter.

Before the divorce was finalized, Faren was annoyed to receive legal papers from Evan claiming she "willfully abandoned" Betsy.

She had also begun to get fuzzy flashes of old memories, which inspired her to fly to Pittsburgh alone to spend time with her former husband and daughter.

As Faren's memories came into focus, she and Evan began to form a tentatively tender bond, and announced to a confused Betsy that the nice lady was actually her mother.

This development didn't go over well with possessively deranged domestic Janet Piersall.

She had lived with the Saundersons since Faren's disappearance, loved Betsy as her own daughter, and expected the employer she adored to follow through with plans to divorce Faren and marry her.

When Evan, who believed he and Faren would one day reunite and raise their daughter, told Piersall their relationship was over, the unstable maid made a beeline for Faren's hotel room and pointed a gun in her face!

A suspicious Saunderson, who had followed Piersall, struggled to get the firearm away from her, but ended up taking the fatal bullet.

Janet was carted away to the booby hatch, while Faren sent for Andy, who agreed that he and his wife would raise Betsy in Pittsburgh.

It's unknown how long Richards, who bears an eerie resemblance to clumsy former President Gerald Ford, will remain in Genoa City after attending Little Ricky's christening.

However, there is talk of Andy counseling his old crony Clueless through a "crisis of conscience."

Whether this means Richards will help Paul cope with the fact he is perhaps or perhaps not a scumbag who may or may not rape his crusading critter ex is unclear.

Perhaps Andy will be propositioned by Jill Abbott, one of the women who spurned him.

Some warped thinking wisenheimers with too much time on their hands even suspect eternal boy scout Richards of trying to torch former Abbott pool house occupant and ex-wife Diane Jenkins to a blackened crisp and premature death!

While the idea seems utterly preposterous, recent depraved developments in Genoa City have forced its shell shocked citizens to expect the unexpected.