Abbott's sinister behavior might be believable if he were working for the mob and not back to slamming down expensive cups of coffee with a pack of spasming ferret-faced teens.

And back he is because there's a problem with returning to the swamps. Nobody knows yet why. But this may partially explain why the energy has shifted to the dark side and the gods are shaking their heads and popping Xanax. Why is the sexless Abbott just a little too protective of Colleen and overplaying the concerned uncle role? What happened in Louisiana so dastardly that he can't go back? Did he get caught wanking his willie in the bunkhouse? Is he fighting criminal charges of having sex with an underage girl?

Stay tuned.

August 14, 2002

The end?
by Michael Kelly

The excruciatingly long good-bye of Billy "If I Had A Hammer" Abbott continued to crawl toward its inevitably trite conclusion on Wednesday, as Abbott convinced girlfriend Mackenzie Browning that he has to leave her behind before heading for the Louisiana swamp he's trying to civilize because he doesn't want her to postpone her lifelong lust for higher learning!

Despite the fact that Ferret Face never opened a book in the three years she attended the scholastically lax Walnut Grove Academy, Browning admitted that while she was a soiled street urchin, the thought of ivy covered walls and the right sorority kept her going!

But that doesn't mean martyr Mac intends to let Billy pound rusty nails without her. Just because she's not quite "into" the humanitarian thing right now doesn't mean she won't feel differently in a week or a month.

Besides, don't people in love cooperate with one another's wacky whims? She knows Abbott would ditch college in a split second to run away with her to build bungalows in a bog if she asked him to!

Unwilling to allow the lovesick fool to make the ultimate "sacrifice," Billy babbled that college has always been Browning's pipe "dream." If it slipped through her bony fingers because of him, Abbott would never forgive himself.

His meager mind made up, the wannabe Bob Villa announced that he would travel solo to the swamp.

With salty tears running down her face, Browning needed to know if Abbott was certain he wanted to do this.

Once again, Billy rambled on about how this past summer has changed him. Obviously, getting his cranium crushed by a crag was a defining moment in this dope's life. College doesn't float his boat anymore There is no turning back.

Sounding strangely like a death defying Jason Voorhies from the frightening Friday The 13th film franchise, a tear stained Abbott ominously threatened the devastated Browning, "This isn't the end of us!"

Rather than uttering something equally insipid like, "love means never having to say you're sorry," miserable Mac embraced the blubbering bozo.

Just then, Jill Abbott burst upon the sappy scene like a bull in a china shop. Obviously relieved she wasn't too late to see her oafish offspring off, Ms. Abbott also looked like her emotional dam was about to burst.

While in her office, Jill had been warned by Big Dog Larry "The Wartman" Warton that if the smothering mother hen failed to say good-bye to her little birdbrain before he left the nest, the regret will "eat you up inside."

As for her concern the apple of her eye would throw his future away because of the Browning "wench," the no-nonsense Wartman advised her to "suck it up!"

Unfortunately, the touching tale Warty told about Ma Warton visiting him in the joint, and standing supportively by him throughout his unfortunate incarceration sounded too much like an old Jimmy Cagney movie. The sob story failed to move Ms. Abbott one whit.

She no doubt wondered why the old lady didn't bring Larry a cake with a file in it!

Also, if Ma Warton's love and acceptance meant so much to the Wartman, why hasn't he called or written her in the several years he's been a free man?

Furthermore, it seems mighty suspicious that he'd risk breaking mom's heart a second time by abetting Matt Clark's conniving caper to send Nick Newman up the river for dealing drugs!

But there's no room in Genoa City for common sense. Particularly where matters of the heart are concerned.

Let's just hope that if Billy Abbott is true to his word about a return engagement, he'll truly emerge from his charitable trip a new man with a newfound sense of maturity. A new and improved mug wouldn't hurt either!

August 13, 2002

A boy's journey
by Michael Kelly

While former Glow geek turned aspiring, charitable Cajun country carpenter Billy Abbott prepared to bid an eagerly anticipated and long overdue adieu to the sheltered, high society Genoa City fishbowl, those nearest and dearest to him behaved even more strangely than usual.

Over a bountifully robust breakfast in the Abbott dining room, most members of the blue-blooded brood were present and accounted for.

However, scheming Abbott outhouse squatter Diane Jenkins and her babbling brat Baby K were nowhere in sight. It's obvious the treacherous "tripod" who lusts after Jack Abbott was intentionally banned.

As for the child, Diane deviously saw to it the boy was unavailable to attend by burdening the bambino with the runs after intentionally feeding him too many strained bananas!

Phyllis Abbott, who brazenly blew off the breakfast, decided to have another private, uninterrupted chat with her "inner self" inside her rarely occupied Newman Enterprises office.

Former and current Abbott abode domestic goddesses Pain Me Johnson and Mrs. Martinez were slaving over a hot stove preparing everything from smoked salmon to Eggs Benedict Arnold for the arrogant elitists to nosh on.

Peeved patriarch Yawn Abbott must have bulked up on bran flakes because he boldly informed wannabe builder Billy that if he didn't haul his hammering, do-gooder's ass into college by the second semester, the old man would drag him back by the ear lobe! Either that, or the teen's twig of the clan's money tree will be severed and incinerated.

Disapproving mother lioness Jill Abbott was holed up in her corporate cocoon, as she tried to apply a reformulated manly musk on the bare chest of her do-rag wearing warrior Wartman.

When Warton tried to get the jittery Jabot exec to express her forlorn feelings about Billy's departure, the haughty, horny woman hotly demanded to be held as she unbuttoned her boy toy's shirt! If it took a manufactured emotional meltdown on Ms. Abbott's part to convince Warty to put out, so damn be it!

Back at the Abbott hotel, Jacko oddly offered to help his able bodied brother pack his crap, and patriarch Yawn sobbed with senile sadness to his cancer cry baby daughter Ashley that he won't be able to go trolling for trout now that his youngest boy has gone bye-bye.

Things really turned blatantly bizarre when Billy turned up at the Java Hut to say so long to his sole friend Raul Guittierez and former sex partner Brittany Hodges.

Feces disturbing Britt blabbed that she thought Mac Browning didn't want to accompany her boyfriend to a God forsaken, sweltering swamp before Raul could tell her to shut her trap.

Displaying latent, lamentable homosexual leanings toward his lifelong chum, the degenerate diabetic declared that the next time he saw Abbott, the scrawny, zit faced freak will be all "buff and brown" after mucho, macho manual labor in the great outdoors!

Hodges overheard the risqué remark from the kinky insulin kook she deflowered, but said nothing. Following three bear hugs, and asinine secret handshakes, Abbott left Guittierez and headed for the mausoleum.

Upon his arrival at Casa Chancellor, Billy found ferret face had forsaken the deluxe luggage her dotty dowager granny bought for her in favor of a flea infested back pack that her father had used decades before.

Trying to be useful, Abbott tried to pack a possum trimmed sweater of Browning's, but she nit-picked that it was too "dressy" for the swamp they'd be slumming in.

Possessing a superlatively super natural sixth sense not uncommon in Genoa City citizens, Billy goat guessed that Browning must have changed her mind about undertaking their "heroic," humanitarian holiday.

If Billy Abbott wants to try sawing logs in a bog while wearing faded, low riding Levi's that expose the crack of his pasty posterior, that's his business. Everyone around him needs to chill and butt out. Upon his return, if Abbott's missing a digit or two, he'll probably place a higher priority on higher education.

August 12, 2002

A change of plans
by Brent Kellogg

There must be an old saying somewhere that there is no faster, surer way to forget your own difficulties than by helping others overcome theirs. Looks good on paper and in some cases may actually be a true statement. But in the case of the gold spoon kids going to Louisiana to build homes for the homeless it's laughable. Why? Because Billy Abbott and Mac Browning are incapable of doing anything that doesn't focus on anyone but themselves.

If these inexperienced terminally stupid twits were to go through with their scattered brain plan it would be a duplication of their lame attempt at volunteering to help the homeless read and write at the Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle shelter in Genoa City.

Despite glib, cheerful assertions that she's been planning to go to college for a long time and her alter-ego tells her that a couple of rich kids going to build houses for some poor people to make themselves feel better about being rich is reason to have her head examined, Mac Browning flip-flopped again Monday when she agreed to skip college - even though doing so will disappoint her grandmother - if it means that she and Billy Abbott can grow together.

And growing together means having sex. After a few hot day in the Louisiana sun the tired teens will eventually succumb to their raging hormones. Once pregnant, the morally correct Browning will bamboozle her way back into the arms of her rich granny while a still confused Billy Abbott consults the Milky way to ascertain if he has enough experience in life to be a daddy.

Fortunately, it has been learned that Abbott has grown a conscience and will forbid Browning from going with him. Once transformed into a young Brock Reynolds, Abbott will one day return to Genoa City only to discover that Browning has moved on without him.

Hopefully that day is a long way off.

August 9, 2002

Rebel with a cause
by Lois Hill

Determined to work on behalf of the little people of Louisiana giving them the short end of the stick, pounding nails into homes for the homeless and having no idea how long a two by four really is or how to fund his tantrum, I graduated from Walnut Grove Academy without all the pomp and circumstance Billy Abbott sought out and got approval Friday for his little swamp jag from none other than big brother, the spineless Jack Abbott.

"There is nothing wrong with taking time to get some real life experience before you go to college," the elder Abbott proclaimed proving again that if the current crowd of idle rich degenerates in Genoa City had a brain between them they'd be dangerous.

When not occupied with house squatters, unstable wives, babies sired with stolen sperm and the like they busy themselves denouncing higher education as something evil that should be put off until the very last moment of their sorry lives - if ever.

Nobody, not even the most arduous flag-waver, is buying to their admiration for the underclass.

Fortunately, at least one of the wayward teens came to her senses today when Mac Browning informed the weasel in training that she's having second thoughts.

And it's about damn time.

It's a given that rich kids like Abbott don't have to go to school. Why he bothered to go to high school is suspicious since education or experience is not a prerequisite for fame and fortune among the powerful in Genoa City. Of course, Abbott could go to college, drop out and then list his professional accomplishments as having dropped out. This alone would land him a chief operating officer at some fortune 500 company.

Abbott's last-minute desire to go on a quest to help the poor and become a "hero" like his girl-pal's daddy because he's come to realize that he can't go to the bathroom without somebody holding his hand is nothing more than a lame attempt at injecting social conscience into a plot that has no redeeming social value. It's like putting money into a broken soda machine.

It's been said before but bares repeating. Instead of some goo-goo-minded attempt to prove he's a rebel with a cause, Billy Abbott should just leave.

August 8, 2002

Midnight train to Louisiana
by Brent Kellogg

It was hard to tell if it really was the last time he'll ever be seen in Genoa City but it looked Thursday as if bubble boy Billy Abbott will be on the midnight train to Louisiana.

Prior to leaving young Abbott was given the phone number of his "hero" seemingly confident that just one call to singing minstrel Brock Reynolds would do it all. Without any preparation Abbott would soon be part of the struggle to right the wrongs inflicted upon the common people.

As an after thought, Abbott popped by to tell his mother that he was throwing away a college education for a life of building homes for the homeless because more than anything he wants to help people.

Jill Abbott was shocked. Why would her son do something so foolish as to pass up the good college life to hammer nails in some swamp? The thought of her little boy getting his thumbs pounded make Mrs. Abbott ill.

In a massive state of confusion, young Abbott muttered that he wouldn’t really be giving up college. Besides, what would be the point of going to school when he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life? Working in the swamps would give him a better idea of what real life is all about. Not only that but he'd have guidance counselor Mac Browning at his side.

Having heard enough of her son's obvious mental illness, Mrs. Abbott said fine. If the kid wants to throw away his life let him do it. That said there was no good-bye, no hugs and no tears.

It was only at that moment, when his mother walked away without emotion, that Billy Abbot realized where he went wrong. It was that day at the Chancellor mausoleum after he had just hit jewel thief Ralph Hunnicutt over the head.

"I realized I didn’t know what to do," Abbott said sounding like a baby who doesn't know what that stinky stuff in the bottom of the diaper is.

"I need experience with life before I go off to college," Abbott added before leaving his mother's home for possibly the last time.

In his sorry state of confusion it'll be interesting to see if this boob bothers to say good-bye to any other members of his family or if he'll even pack a bag. And, how long will it take until old man John 'Yawn' Abbott figures out he hasn't seen his son for weeks?

August 6, 2002

You're either with us or against us!
by Doris Hill

It was the strangest thing. While the cousin he's hardly interacted with since her arrival in Genoa City was tutoring a fellow Walnut Grove Academy classmate, Billy Abbott was spreading money around at a fancy restaurant Tuesday like it was growing on trees.

Perhaps thinking he could write off the dinner as a business expense, Abbott pressed his grandiose development plans of going to Louisiana to build homes for the homeless onto his diabetic pal's girlfriend, Brittany Hodges.

Already convinced that skipping his first college semester is the best idea he's heard since insulin, Raul Guittierez teamed up with Abbott's girl and all three can't wait to get out of town.

As the city keeps its fingers crossed that these pathetic teens will be gone before winter sets in there seems to be some uncertainly that Hodges will go along.

Unlike the threesome who think becoming child-molesting priests is cool, Hodges told the goofs that she didn't work her butt off for four years getting straight 4.0 grade averages only to throw it away to become a gofer for some construction gang. However, Hodges did admit that by the time next summer rolls around the idea may be more appealing.

Pulling a George Bush card out from his sleeve, Abbott snarled to Guittierez that he was either with them or against them. When Hodges objected a confused Abbott tried to change his tune. "We each have to make up our own mind," he backpedaled.

Doubtless the concept struck everyone as thigh-slappingly funny when it was pitched, though someone must have felt a little nervous about the resulting tortured humor, not another word was spoken about it.

That out of the way, Hodges got down to some serious nitty-gritty. Did Uncle Billy know that his cousin was at that very moment tutoring a boy just a few years short of applying for Social Security?

The chilly sexual implications took the edge off what was supposed to be the start of Abbott's delusion of becoming a hero like his girlfriend's daddy. His piggish behavior was so startling Guittierez had to warn Abbott not to overreact. Hadn't he too at one time had raging hormones? Leave little Colleen Carlton alone.

As Abbott fumed the just turned fourteen-year-old Carlton labored away after hours at the Jabot Cosmetics glowtique tutoring J.T. Hellstrom. She cared less that the subject of Moby Dick was at the eighth grade level and Hellstrom, older than his education level, didn't know better.

The tutoring was a ruse which both Carlton and Hellstrom secretly wished would lead to passionate sex with a minor.

Not wanting to blatantly come onto the older man, Carlton nervously reached for the cold pizza nearby when Hellstrom suggested they take a break. Knocking the pizza to the floor, Carlton profusely apologize for being such a fool.

Putting his hand on the wobbly teen, Hellstrom noticed she was shaking in her boots just as Abbott burst through the door like Batman and Robin combined. Ordering he take his hands off his precious cousin, Abbott gave Hellstrom the evil stink eye.

With a predictable stay away from my cousin or else speech forthcoming the real story wasn't about Abbott's disingenuous concern. Anxious to leave Genoa City, what would be his point?

Hellstrom would like everyone to think his interest in Carlton is nothing more than adolescent friendship but left unchecked will turn into sexual discovery, jealousies and the kind of manic sexual dysfunction that can only turn tragic.

August 2, 2002

Hero worship
by Brent Kellogg

Despite having repeated his senior year in high school twice, Walnut Grove Academy student Billy Abbott hasn't learned anything. Suspected of developmental disabilities at an early age, Abbott unfortunately, was not paid any attention by his part-time parents. How the bubble head got accepted to any college baffles the mind after the stunt Abbott set into motion here Friday.

Discovering that his girlfriend missed a rare telephone call from her biological father, who softly abandoned her during one of the most harrowing times of her life, Abbott foresaw his destiny as do-goober for the poor and downtrodden.

Like Brock Reynolds, Abbott suddenly conjured up a future working in Louisiana building houses for the underprivileged. Convinced that helping the less fortunate would make him "a hero", Abbott proposed the ludicrous suggestion that he and his girl skip their first semester of college to go on the road.

In the shower at the time of her father's long-distance call, Mac Browning couldn't be bothered to turn the shower off and speak with the man she hasn't seen in months. Instead, the lazy ferret face asked her legal guardian, Katherine Sterling, to replay what Reynolds had spoken about with her granny. Too busy to discuss such trivial matters and without intimating that her granddaughter might want to get off her lazy ass and call her father now and then, Sterling told Browning that it could wait.

Pressed for a decision about going off to join the circus, Browning had the good sense to put her silly Billy boy off. Besides, although he's eighteen and should be able to make his own decisions, Browning cautioned that Abbott's mother would never allow him to do anything without approval.

"We can work things out with our families. We won’t know unless we try," Abbott persisted seeking Browning's agreement to at least think about tossing her education away.

For someone who considers at least one his classmates "a loser", Billy Abbott would become the biggest boob on the block by giving up his education at this point in exchange for becoming some "hero" that people regard as nothing more than fifteen minute hall of famers with the lovely parting gifts never to be remembered again save for the rare few who end up on postage stamps.

For his asinine idea Abbott would be better off renting his head as a billboard.

July 1, 2002

Killing in the name of freedom
by Brent Kellogg

July 1, 2002

Food for thought
by Michael Kelly

While in self-imposed seclusion inside a doll's house on his father's property because he thought he murdered a man who's still among the living, WGA senior student Billy Abbott and his girlfriend Mackenzie Browning chewed on slaw and pretzels stolen from his family's kitchen while they planned their next move.

Despite the fact that the Abbott abode is a glorified hotel, Billy boy didn't run into his brother Jack, Jacko's wife Phyllis, and scheming squatter Diane Jenkins when he raided his own fridge and pantry. This is amazing because all of those folks were slithering around the place in the middle of a workday!

The servants that should have been cooking and cleaning at the time were nowhere to be found. Abbott maid slave Mrs. Martinez was at a Mexican market gathering ingredients for her mean burritos.

On any other day, Billy would have been caught red handed by former housekeeper and current house guest from hell Pain Me Johnson, who can usually be found stuffing her fat face in the family's kitchen. This particular morning, Pain Me waddled her rotund ass over to the RoadKill Cafe for the all you can eat breakfast buffet.

While she's used to far fancier fare, the famished ferret face found the pretzels and slaw more than satisfactory. Mac should realize by now that Billy's prepared for any emergency. He even rummaged through a convenient box of rags that were due to be distributed to the poor so that the teens could change out of last night's prom duds.

Not wanting to press their luck, Abbott thought they should find a new fort before the fuzz found them. The teen twit then muttered that he didn't want to think about what would happen to his old man Yawn Abbott if the Keystone Kops discovered them on his pop's property.

Presumably, Billy's babbling was based on a misplaced fear that his father could be charged with harboring a fugitive!

Since old man Yawn didn't know they were on the premises, the running scared rebel should have known he has nothing to fret about. If the slaw and pretzels had ever been hyped as brain food, Billy boy should go to the supermarket and demand an immediate refund.

June 26, 2002

Wanted dead or alive!
by Michael Kelly

After saving the life of his ferret faced former girlfriend Mackenzie Browning by savagely swinging a fireplace poker into the thick skull of her slimy step-father Ralph Hunnicutt, WGA senior Billy Abbott nearly crapped his petrified pants here on Wednesday when he erroneously believed he'd murdered the lecherous lout!

After he claimed the blackmailing, bungling bracelet burglar wasn't breathing, Billy babbled, "Oh my God! I don't feel a pulse! Oh my God. I killed him!"

A trembling Browning, clad in nothing more than Abbott's tuxedo jacket and her skivvies, struggled to be the voice of reason. Now that Abbott had declared Hunnicutt dead as a door nail, Mac wanted to call Genoa City's Keystone Kops.

Billy boy nixed that notion by stammering, "What's the point? I killed him!"

Mac tried to drag Abbott out of the Chancellor mausoleum by the hand, but Billy went back to retrieve the murder weapon and took it with him.

Not long after they left, Browning's mother Amanda Hunnicutt arrived and found her former husband unconscious. After touching him tenderly and uttering Ralphie's name, the hash slinger brought the bastard back to life!

While slowly emerging from La-La Land, the phony phone guy cautiously caressed the grotesque goose egg on the back of his head and nearly fainted at the sight of his own blood on his fingers.

Haltingly, Hunnicutt then gave his ex his version of the evening's events.

That punk kid Abbott hit him over the head. As Ralph floated above his own body, he could hear the Glow geek squeak that he'd killed him. The former lineman for the county tried and failed to tell the teen twit he was actually among the living. All that was missing from Ralph's far-out fable of the paranormal was talk of a white light and a brief voyage to "the other side."

Amanda flipped her lid when she finally figured out that her ferret faced daughter had encountered her step-dad. She also fretted that her ex revealed to Mac that she aided and abetted the jewel thief.

Ralph artfully evaded her questions and concerns by merely claiming that Mac overreacted when she saw him. All he did was try to calm the hysterical girl. Hunnicutt certainly mentioned nothing about threatening to strangle the stuffing out of her.

Predictably, the jewel fiend was determined to get his paws on regal relic Katherine Chancellor's diamond necklace. He even had a key to help him get it.

When Amanda tried to convince the stubborn fool that they should split because Abbott probably called the police, Ralph ranted, "I don't give a damn! I'm not leaving here without that necklace!"

Before he could heist the house a second time, mausoleum co-owner Jill Abbott's car pulled up. Mrs. Hunnicutt carefully carted the suddenly woozy Mr. Hunnicutt out of there through a side exit.

Billy boy and Browning were next seen hiding out inside the Abbott abode's adult sized doll's house, which is far removed from the main mansion.

In a state of shock, and pitifully prattling on about the murder he was too inept to commit, Abbott stuttered, "I killed somebody! I can't believe this is happening!"

Imagining his rubber face on a Most Wanted poster, Billy goat realized he could be incarcerated! Oh no!

Standing firmly by her wanted man, Mac melodramatically muttered, "I'll make them understand that you were just coming to my rescue."

Certainly the authorities would be impressed that Abbott was a hero, not a lawless zero. If not for him, Browning reminded Billy, Ralphie Boy would have snapped her neck like a twig.

Alarmist Abbott wasn't buying it. After all, he had a mighty weapon and Hunnicutt was an unarmed man.

Wanting to waste time playing The Blame Game, the two teens nobly took turns taking responsibility for the heinous Hunnicutt crime.

To comfort each other and plan their next moronic move, the platonic lovebirds cuddled and snuggled on the seedy sofa as an eerie music box theme was suddenly heard. Either the doll's house is haunted or it has a music box that is wired to start playing automatically. Abbott and Browning were too scared out of their wits to even notice.

Only a boob like Billy Abbott would not only fail to detect signs of life in a man who is very much among the living, but run from the scene of a crime without first calling the police or an ambulance. And what the hell is he going to do with the "murder weapon?"

Panicking needlessly, running scared, and lacking two brain cells to rub together, Billy bafflingly believes himself to be Public Enemy Number 1. This so-called Natural Born Killer couldn't swat a fly if his own lame life hinged on it.

Obviously, this kid has seen too many episodes of The Fugitive. The only way this dolt could make his senseless situation any worse would be to grab his woman and go on the lam. Perhaps it isn't wise to give this witless wonder any ideas.

June 11, 2002

Son's claim: wouldn't blow mother!
by Brent Kellogg

April 2, 2002

Heated words were exchanged today between teen squeeze Danielle "Ho" Jorgenson and gangly Glow Worm geek Billy Abbott. Billy originally spotted Danny Girl sitting at a Newman Java Hut table with high school hot shot J.T. Hellstrom. J.T. was teasing Jorgenson, saying that he knew she and Abbott had romped in the Abbott "den of sin" the previous evening. All of a sudden, Billy Boy appeared out of nowhere, and ordered Danny girl to come with him.

Once the two arrived at the all purpose backstage area of the Walnut Grove Academy school for all ages, Billy tried to explain away his failure to perform sexually the night before. Abbott complained that the Abbott playhouse wasn't the right place for sexual healing. Billy also claimed it was just too damn soon after his break-up with ferret faced Frowning Mac Browning.

Unfortunately, Jorgenson wasn't buying his excuses. It was then that the gloves came off, and the scene became intense. Danny Girl sneered that she'd tell their teeny bopper peers that Abbott couldn't rise to the occasion because he was mooning over the mundane Mackenzie. His male ego wounded, Billy Boy then threatened to tell his fellow nerds that Jorgenson threw herself at him, and failed to turn him on.

"If you want to play hard ball that's fine, but you'd better hit this one over," Billy babbled to Danny Girl.

Realizing that her bluff had been called, Jorgenson reluctantly agreed to keep her crooked trap shut. Before stalking away, Danny snidely spat, "Why you and Mackenzie ever broke up I'll never know. You're both such losers!"

Jorgenson's last sentence is certainly correct, but selectively so. After all, what makes her any less pitiful than the Abbott horn dog and the teen terrorist? Flouncing around Genoa City in a snug fitting sweater with the words "forever wild" flashed across her chest, Jorgenson is hardly the epitome of decorum and dignity. She knew Abbott was on the rebound from a recent split, but didn't care. Danny Girl even had the gall to ask Browning if Abbott were available, and later rubbed the planned tryst in Browning's bony beak. Jorgenson was quite willing to jump Abbott's bones in the playhouse, despite the fact that it was covered in spider webs and rat droppings. Wearing a shiny camisole and skimpy thong, Danny Girl looked like a cheap, desperate whore.

Maybe Abbott is a slimy, slithering, rubbery faced reptile. Perhaps he wouldn't have been able to get his puny piece revved up even if he wanted to. It's also possible that Billy Boy is showing a little maturity. Perhaps the fact that he couldn't get the image of Browning's wretched, reed thin, and pasty frame out of his brain means that he loves her. If he's a real man, he'll tell her so. If not, he's doomed to pursue more casually unfulfilling sex with strumpets like Jorgenson. When all else fails, he can stay home and spank his monkey.

March 27, 2002
Sex drive hits dead end!
Walnut Grove Academy student Billy Abbott has done his share of standing in checkout lines at the local 11-7 buying soda and malted milk duds. Waiting his turn Abbott has more than once become dizzy with thoughts of sex as the covers of women's magazines and tabloid headlines scream: "Orgasm secrets revealed"; "100 ways to thrill a man in bed"; "How to be the sexually confident."

Agitated because his girlfriend hadn't been putting out and embarrassed that the boys at school were making fun of him, Abbott demanded his girl make him happy. It was a "guy thing." Guys have certain "needs" and he was in desperate need.

Rejected, Abbott recently took up with a new, more liberal girl who seemed anxious to please. Just knowing he wouldn't be forced to visit Madam Palm excited Abbott. Soon his dormant sex life would be revived and if things went as planned he might get to join the five times a week club.

Under normal conditions it might take a kid like Abbott months to score. Unless there are agreements in place to the contrary, girls in Genoa City are expected to put out on demand.

Sex in this city is also performed without the use of birth control because sexually transmitted diseases are something that happen to other people. When the big day comes for Abbott to insert himself between the furry gates of lust he too will be condom-less. What would the guys at school say if they found out he had banged the gong wearing a rubber? He'd be belittled or made to feel like a slag.

GCN undercover agent Deep Throat reports Abbott won't have to worry because there is rejection in his future. Thinking he's going to score with the new babe dubbed "Danny-girl", Abbott will find that swapping spit with a partially nude girl doesn't turn him on. Each time his lips lock he sees the crooked beak of his former girl and the sight isn't engorging.

Danny-girl won't have to ask herself; was it insufficient vaginal lubrication? She'll know right away that there is more to the problem than Abbott simply not being up to the job.

Thursday, 02.21.02
Withholding sex spells doom for young lovers
by Brent Kellogg

Mackenzie Browning has broken the news to boyfriend Billy Abbott; She was wrong for being angry with him but they won't be doing the horizontal hoochie anytime soon.

The spat occurred after Browning’s frigid response to Abbott’s profession of sexual desire after she inquired as to his innermost feelings. Abbott responded indignantly he's just a normal guy, and certainly shouldn't be confused with Prince Charming.

Following a discussion with her homeless mother, Browning realized that asking Abbott to share his feelings was unfair and made her grand pronouncement of wrong doing.

Abbott's eyes lit up when he incorrectly assumed that what Browning was saying meant that she had made the decision to do the nasty with him. But the lights dimmed as Browning quickly rejected the notion announcing she is not yet ready to have sex.

The stunning revelation caused a rage to build inside Abbott's young testicles. If Browning isn't going to put out there is only one thing to do. Kick the bitch to the curb!

When a teenage kid like Billy Abbott starts telling a stranger all about his lack of sex it can mean only one thing. He wants sex and he's not going to wait around to get it. His chattering to Diego Guittierez aside, it must be one of those discussions Abbott's feels he can only have with an older, unrelated man. Otherwise, the more appropriate person to tell his love life to would be Raul Guittierez.

Abbott says he remembers the older Guittierez brother from his childhood days but Diego was never around during Abbott's teenaged years. Come to think of it, Abbott wasn't around for many of his teenaged years having been shipped to New York at an early age where he became a drunk while staying with sister Traci Connelly.

With Colleen Carlton's drug addiction it makes some wonder just what Mrs. Connelly is doing with kids under her supervision.

Abbott's girlfriend, the terrorist Mackenzie Browning, managed to cut a deal with Abbott. No intercourse until she's ready. And when she's ready shouldn't be until and if she marries this goofy Abbott kid after she's completed college at the very least.

Their little deal was holding together until a few days ago when Abbott, feeling like a fool for letting word get out that he wasn't getting any, began badgering Browning. The other guys were putting him down for not being a man "in every way" and he wants to be able to tell them that he is manly. It's a guy thing. Girls are supposed to put out.

Browning held Abbott to their agreement but she began having second thoughts after Abbott reminded her that guys and gals have "different" needs. During a consultation her mother, Browning explained "boys are different than girls" and that her relationship with Abbott isn't what she thought it was.

Amanda Hunnicutt told her daughter not to do anything she's not ready to do when what she should have said was not to do anything she'll regret later. Hunnicutt had the perfect opportunity to tell Browning to complete her education before rushing into sex or marriage and blew it. Instead of trying to be a friend she should have been a mother. She should have explained the difference between love and sex.

Had she been around Genoa City for any length of time, Hunnicutt could have pointed out to her daughter all the tragic marriages and unwanted children that make up this city.

But Browning feels obligated so it won't be long until she's giving Abbott everything he wants and maybe an unplanned bundle of joy in the process. Either that or she'll be standing in line at some abortion clinic waiting to have the walls of her uterus scraped with a knife.

Teenagers who choose to refrain from sex have been chastised for being jealous freaks by a few "studs" whose mindset is such that a boy is not a man until he's had sex with a woman.

Looking embarrassed and somewhat a fool for not being a part of the sexually active crowd, Walnut Grove Academy student Billy Abbott could only bow his head in shame Wednesday when classmate J.T. Hellstrom belittled him for not having any sex since he broke up with local skank Brittany Hodges.

Abbott was further humiliated when the brother of his best friend suspected correctly that Abbott is not currently sexually active.

Like the high and mighty who place blame based on association, Abbott's decision to remain abstinent is not popular especially among males.

At a early age young boys are told they won't be men until they've had sex with a woman. Any boy unwilling to tow this line can expect to be shunned and labeled queer.

Abbott may not be the smartest kid on the block but he should be given some credit for choosing abstinence. Abbott's decision will undoubtedly give him self-respect and the respect of others who have regretted the lack of self-control in their own lives.

Abstinence will allow Abbott to grow up free to develop friendships with women without the emotional entanglement experienced by his mother, father, brother and sisters who have multiple marriages and babies spread far and wide.

Most of all, Abbott is free from the worry about birth control devices and sexually transmitted diseases. If he can stick with it, choosing abstinence until marriage will be the best goal Abbott has ever made.

A rarity in Genoa City, those who have practiced abstinence have fantastic marriages. When and if Abbott and Mackenzie Browning get married, they will have greater trust and respect for each other knowing that they had self-control when the temptations were the greatest.

Monday, 01.21.02
Is Abbott addicted?
What was Walnut Grove Academy student Billy Abbott thinking? The former booze-boy had been in charge of keeping his niece Colleen Carlton out of trouble for only a few moments this week when he dropped the ball.

Knowing full well Carlton has an attitude and drug problem, Abbott went out of his way to direct Carlton's attention to a school student drug dealer and then left Carlton alone to arrange a score!

If Abbott has a brain it clearly wasn't working. What else would explain his action? Could the fact he's repeating his senior year have anything to do with it? Do all kids Abbott's age abstaining from sex have judgment flaws like this or could it be Abbott knew exactly what he was doing?

Once hooked on booze, Abbott knows what a pain it can be having authority figures looking over his shoulder. His daddy gave him a lecture once about responsible drinking. Those old fogies think they know everything. So why not cut Carlton some slack so she can do her thing?