Jill Abbott's revelation late last week that she hasn't heard much about the Abbott pool house arson investigation is not shocking. In a city controlled by big business the public's access to information needed to make informed decisions is all but nonexistent.

Simple theft cases in America never warrant an investigation. The cops take a report and are never seen again. The victim files an insurance claim and Americans pay the claim through increasingly higher insurance premiums.

In Genoa City cops take reports and detectives are assigned to investigate theft. Victims are allowed to badger the police into making their cases top priority and never have to go to the police station to check on the progress.

With little or no new information cops return time and again to the victim's home or business to apprise them of any developments or to ask stupid questions often not related to the case. In all instances using the telephone to communicate this non-information is not permitted.

Wednesday was no exception. After running a check on fingerprints found at the crime scene the detective in charge appeared at Jabot Cosmetics to inform victim Jill Abbott that three sets of prints had been found in her bedroom. Set one belonged to prime suspect Amanda Hunnicutt. Set two belonged to what the detective termed "a felon on probation" and set three could not be identified.

Oddly, the detective did not mention set four which would have belonged to Chancellor slave Ether Valentine although Valentine told the cops she frequently enters Abbott's bedroom. Nor was there mention of set five which would have belonged to Abbott's former boy toy, Sean Bridges.

It was obvious the detective failed Sherlock 101 in crime school. Prints belonging to a known felon should have raised red flags. At the very least a cop worth his or her salt would have taken a peek at the felon's rap sheet and eyeballed the mug shot.

Standing in the same room with the felon the detective did not recognize Larry 'Wartman' Warton and had to be told that Warton and the felon are one in the same.

Claiming his innocence, Warton swore up and down that his prints on the girlie book "Sense and Sensibility" got there as a result of having borrowed the book from Abbott.

After vouching for Warton's alibi Mrs. Abbott listened in disbelief as the detective announced, "When we finish our investigation we’ll consider charging someone."

Mrs. Abbott seemed pleased the cops would actually consider making an arrest. In her feeble mind, Abbott was convinced that all it takes to solve the crime is to identify the mysterious fingerprints.

Fingerprints alone do not a criminal make. Something more than circumstantial evidence is needed. Retrieving the stolen bracelet and determining who fenced it would be a good start.

Based on how the cops in this city have malfunctioned over the years, if the prints are identified, there is no indication the alleged perpetrator would ever be found. Felons and suspects can hide in plain sight without fear of detection.

After finding formerly homeless houseguest Amanda Hunnicutt in her bedroom, Chancellor mausoleum co-owner Jill Abbott groundlessly accused decrepit doyen Katherine Chancellor of conspiring with Hunnicutt to drive her out of the place!

When Kay burst through the door of Casa Chancellor here on Wednesday full of vim and vigor as she babbled to dimwitted servant Esther Valentine that they had top secret plans to make. Although the fossil woman didn't have the opportunity to mention it, she fully expects her best friend Nikki Newman to be walking down the aisle any day now with ex-husband, Genoa City mega-magnate Victor Newman.

Jill Abbott only overheard the dotty dowager mention secret plans, and irrationally assumed Chancellor was plotting her downfall. Katherine was obviously in cahoots with hash slinging, "trespassing" Hunnicutt to send her packing. Furthermore, the grande dame must be the mastermind behind her glowering granddaughter Mackenzie Browning "finagling" an invitation to the senior prom out of Jill's son Billy.

All of Abbott's suspicious spewing caught Chancellor completely off guard as she exchanged confounded glances with her servant.

On a delusional roll, Jill jabbered that Kay relished kicking her while she's down.

At that point, Chancellor managed to deduce that Abbott's relationship with Glow Worm web wunderkind Sean Bridges must have faltered further. The old woman gleefully gloated, taking delight in seeing the high strung Jabot exec miserable.

Realizing she was making a sorry, shrieking spectacle of herself, Jill desperately tried to save face by tossing out another of her infamous empty threats.

"Let this be fair warning to you. Keep your family of losers away from me," Abbott snarled, as she turned and slithered upstairs.

Needless to say, Chancellor wasn't quivering in terror as a result of Jill's jabbering.

And why should she? Abbott may be a loose cannon, but she's all bark and no bite. It's been many years since this one-time boardroom and bedroom barracuda screwed anyone over. She's become a bad joke at work and at home that no one bothers to laugh at anymore.

Jill Abbott's paranoia has gone from annoying to truly pitiful. Why would she think that even Chancellor was senile enough to send meek mouse Amanda to frighten her out of the mausoleum? If the Duchess wanted to oust her, she would have hired the most merciless attorney money could by several years ago.

Why didn't the supposedly astute Abbott smell a rat when Hunnicutt claimed to be in her boudoir to obtain a Band-Aid? If Jill hadn't turned her back to fetch the bandage, Amanda's hubby wouldn't have been able to escape with her bracelet. Considering Abbott's an untrusting, territorial tyrant, it's surprising she didn't force the former homeless woman to empty her pockets. But no. Better to jump to the idiotic conclusion that Chancellor sent harmless Hunnicutt to haunt her.

As for the prom, how could Kay be behind Billy extending an invitation to Mac? Does Jill think the biddy cast some sort of spell on the geek to ensure that he asked the teen terrorist to be his date?

While the rest of society is overwhelmed with anxiety at the all too reasonable thought of a nuclear holocaust, Jill Abbott is wracked with worry that a former vagabond, a whiny teenage girl, and a feeble-minded senior citizen are out to destroy her.

Determined she'll win the October 13 Chicago Marathon in under 2 hours, Jabot Cosmetics sub-ranking stock holder Jill Abbott spent a good portion of Memorial Day working out at her office on a treadmill. Unfortunately, Abbott doesn't know it'll take more than a few minutes on a treadmill and she'll have to lay off the Fritos.

Noticeably absent at first, Abbott's young training partner, Sean Bridges, eventually showed up not to train but to pressure Abbott again about his vision of lumbering through life hand-in-hand with her as his wife.

Although Abbott has repeatedly told her live-in boy toy she has no desire, at her age, to marry, the developmentally disabled Bridges continues to badger the aging grandmother to at least wear his ring. After all, he's never asked anyone to marry him before and those fortunate to be asked should kiss the ground he walks on.

Hopelessly trapped, Abbott's body began to overheat as the boy pledged his love for her.

"I love you! Surely, deeply, completely. I’ve missed you so much," Bridges slobbered.

Like a 12-year-old seventh grader on the brink of adolescence, Abbott allowed Bridges to soak up her smell before their clothing came off. As had been done so many times previously, they humped like dogs in heat without birth control.

When the dirty deed was over nothing had changed. Bridges still had his ring and Abbott had an urgent need to flush her vagina.

Sweaty sex in this city is nothing new. But why they do it remains a mystery. There has never been a clear understanding as to how anyone could be sexually turned on by something so creepy. What is it they find attractive about a naked man or woman dripping with human puss?

Chemicals or Pheromones in men's bodies can cause females to be more fertile, have more regular menstrual cycles and milder menopause. Women who have sex with men at least once a week benefit most from the chemicals, which apparently work through the sense of smell. Just walk into a male locker room - that's the odor.

Animals and insects attract one another through sexually stimulating chemicals and that may explain part of the human spontaneity. But what human would put on his or her clothing after the act and go about their business without so much as washing their hands?

Sharon Newman gets the prize for poor hygiene. After getting poked by the stable boy recently, Mrs. Newman didn't bother to shower. She jumped on a plane and flew to Bermuda! It must have been that "smell" that saved her marriage.

Regardless of the benefits, the sexually active in Genoa City cannot be expected to know that cleanliness is next to godliness. Religion is something they resort to only when it suits their needs.

As for Sean Bridges, his roll in the sweat with Abbott may have been his last. The Genoa City News has learned Bridges will pack up his sex toys, leave Abbott and the city by the end of summer.

The Chancellor mausoleum vacancy will be filled by the more appropriate Larry 'Wartman' Warton thereby setting up a battle for the man between Amanda Hunnicutt and Jill Abbott.

Jabot Cosmetics honcho Jill Abbott announced Friday the company will begin mass producing a new line of cosmetic for the African American teen market. The new line has not been approved by the Jabot board of directors nor tested by the company's chief skunk oil sniffer yet Abbott has given the nod for a product tie-in with the launch of the summer Glow Worm campaign.

Eyebrows have been raised about the need for another product specifically targeted at African Americans which will revive the century old stereotypes they depict. Skeptics wonder what will make the product special. Will it have the tangy aroma of watermelon? Will the skin creams gradually diminish darkly pigmented skin areas, sun spots, and age spots? Do dark skinned Americans really want a clearer, smoother, and more even-toned appearance?

If the African American teen population has been singled out will American Indians be next? Their land already stolen by means of terror will there be a tomahawk moisturizing cream? A totem pole lip gloss? Can Jabot Chinese eye shadow ads showing two smiling teenaged girls with slanted eyes hopeful the shadow will make their eyes look rounder be far away?

What in God's sake was Mrs. Abbott thinking when she came up with this divisive idea? The question is rhetorical since it's obvious she caught her reflection in a mirror. Abbott's face is showing the adverse effect of gravity and no amount of sweating to the oldies will help.

The cosmetics market is already over-saturated. Most products do nothing for the consumer except drain their bank accounts. Besides there not being a chance in hell that the Jabot products can be ready in time for summer, next to drilling in ANWR, Abbott's plan ranks as one of the dumbest ideas ever.

Former manicurist turned Jabot Cosmetics most useless executive Jill Abbott is set to play Professor Henry Higgins to former felon turned janitor Larry "The Wartman" Warton's Eliza Doolittle. The arrangements were made on Monday in the Chancellor mausoleum. Warton is to report to Abbott's Jabot office first thing in the morning.

The motives behind her generous offer are fishy to say the least. Mrs. Abbott said she's willing to train Warton in the social graces for the sake of her putrid plaything and Warton's "pal" Sean Bridges, but that seems unlikely. Jill Abbott also claims that these private lessons will benefit Warton in his courtship of homeless woman and hash slinger Amanda Browning. So what? Jill Abbott has no use for either one of them. It's also doubtful that the mother fixated Bridges would jump out of the much older Abbott's bed if she refused to help Warton cement his relationship. One can't easily envision this fearsome foursome cozily double dating. So what is Abbott's angle? Perhaps Jill Abbott's paranoia about The Wartman's unusual "friendship" with her longtime nemesis Katherine Chancellor is the inspiration behind Abbott's sudden social conscience.

Speaking of Chancellor, she also seems like an odd friend and confidante for Warton. The "Duchess" seems to take perverse delight in questioning him about life in "the joint." Chancellor went so far as to ask The Wartman what it's like to be locked up! What does the babbling biddy think it's like? Such a question is odiously presumptuous and insulting. For asking it, Chancellor herself should be confined to the nearest old age home. Her Auntie Mame role playing is repulsive. Movie mavens will remember the Mame Dennis character once declaring that, "Life is a banquet, and most poor devils are starving." Chancellor should be reminded that other poor devils are homeless. Like her granddaughter's mother for instance!

Wasn't Nikki Newman supposed to be Larry Warton's etiquette instructor? What in the heck happened? Oh, yes. Newman is far too busy developing her Amazon anti wrinkle cream and humping her ex-hubby to worry about a lowly broom sweeper.

Maybe Larry would be better off being himself. He's already come a long way, baby. When Warton hit the Genoa City scene in 1995, he was rich boy Nick Newman's roommate during his unfortunate incarceration. It is alleged that Newman was actually The Wartman's "bunk buddy" and "bitch." If so, Warton seems to have gone straight "in every way" by responsibly holding down a low paying job and dating a member of the opposite sex. That's admirable progress indeed.

What does Warton need with slumming socialites like Abbott, Chancellor, and Newman? These limousine liberals only consort with members of Genoa City's lower crust when it's convenient for them. They like getting pats on the back from their idly rich friends. These women probably laugh at Warton behind his back. Who the hell needs that? Let these rich bitches get their cheap thrills elsewhere.

"Don't go knocking on bedroom doors. And never, ever raise your voice in the presence of a lady," Abbott imperiously snarled when Warton dared to darken in her boudoir doorway. If the nouveau riche Abbott had any humanity, she'd tell Warton the awful truth. Which is that she doesn't give a rat's ass if Warton lives or dies. Only then would Abbott's interest in Warton be more than a neurotic, self serving whim. She'd truly be doing him a favor.

Abbott will start training soon with her newest boy toy and Jabot employee, Sean Bridges.

The twosome are expected to be seen frequently trying on Nike's, sucking on water bottles and rolling together in hot body sweat.

They couldn't have done it without screwing first and without using birth control to boot. Watching the sexual antics of Jill Abbott and Sean Bridges has become a repulsive industrial strength barf-bag event.

Sean Bridges might as well be having sex with his mother and Jill Abbott with her son the way they carry on like ignorant teenagers having sex for the first time without fully understanding the consequences.

Without warning Wednesday, spiky-haired Bridges returned to the dump he calls home to find a moving company in the process of removing the few belongings he owns.

"What’s going on here?" Bridges had to ask.

"It’s okay sweetheart. It will all be delivered to my place tomorrow," Abbott replied.

Her place? Abbott was speaking of the Chancellor Estate she shares with a woman who can't stand her guts. For Abbott to move her boy toy in without asking permission should have Katherine Chancellor Sterling all over her ass.

Hopefully, Sterling will take immediate legal action to have the intruder removed. While she can be expected to have occasional guests, Abbott has no right allowing another person to move into Sterling's domain without Sterling's consent.

If she cannot find a judge to support her position, Sterling needs to push the case all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary. Abbott and Sterling may have joint ownership but that does not mean either one of them can inflict their pals on the other.

For her part, Abbott may as well have asked Bridges if she could change his diaper the way she slobbered all over him prior to the move. "I love it when you take charge," Bridges cooed.

Realizing it would be the last time he'd be able to hump mommy in his old digs, Bridges sweet talked Abbott into performing one final time for old times sake.

When the deed was done Abbott told her boy "I’d do anything for
you" and Bridges suckled, "You are so good for me it’s scary."

What's scary is the horrid way Abbott and Bridges demean one another.

A discreet relationship between an older woman and a younger man  is one thing. Openly flaunting her love for a boy not much older than her son is another and makes the point that Abbott has become a remarkably dense, disheveled and bleary eyed has-been.

Like a stopped clock, Bridges isn't always wrong. He's probably sincere. But he's remarkably dense too. His only reason for being with Abbott; women in his own age group won't touch him with a ten foot pole.

Thursday, 01.17.02
Mausoleum madness!
Socialite Jill Abbott has proposed and her spiky-haired boy toy has agreed to move into the Chancellor Estate. The move by Jabot webmaster Sean Bridges should stir up a hornets nest as estate co-owner Katherine Chancellor Sterling will undoubtedly be opposed to the mother/son team shacking up in the home she considers hallowed ground.

Sterling inherited what Abbott calls the 'mausoleum' after the death of Phillip Chancellor whose grave looms in a nearby garden. Both Sterling and Abbott celebrate Chancellor's death each May by remembering how they both fought over the man. Mrs. Chancellor literally drove her husband over the edge when the car they were riding in went off a cliff. Mr. Chancellor met his maker but Mrs. Chancellor made a remarkable recovery.

In 1999, Abbott decided that living with the now comatose Keith Dennison wasn't her cup of tea. Instead of purchasing a home of her own she laid claim to one-half of the mausoleum.

After a brief legal battle, a judge awarded joint custody. Mrs. Sterling was so distraught she disappeared - nobody saw her standing for days on that bridge - but eventually resurfaced at a local homeless shelter.

Sterling made lemonade out of the lemons Abbott and the legal system thrust upon her when, by a remarkable twist of fate, she became acquainted with a teenage runaway who was in fact her granddaughter. Feeling blessed, Sterling returned to the mausoleum, convinced her granddaughter to move in and has been living happily ever since.

With Abbott's lover underfoot, Mrs. Sterling may start checking the fine print in those legal documents to see if she can find a loop hole to get Abbott out. At the very least she could make life a living hell for Abbott and Bridges.

Tuesday, 01.15.02
Fraternizing with the rift-raft
There was a subtle hint Tuesday that the old Jill Abbott who made Genoa City famous may becoming in vogue again. There was a time when neither man nor beast dared cross Mrs. Abbott's path. Jabot Cosmetics employees in particular often felt her wrath. Getting on Mrs. Abbott's bad side was often far worse than anything an angry Victor Newman could dish out.

One thing Mrs. Abbott cannot tolerate is fraternizing with the lower class. Observing company webmaster and boy-toy Sean Bridges speaking with a Jabot janitor Tuesday caused her skin to crawl.

Bridges pumped janitor Larry 'Wartman' Warton for information on how to score with chicks. "She shakes my tree. I want to spend the rest of my life with her," Bridges said of his sugar-mama but with his poor social skills, Warton was of little assistance. "Mrs. Abbott is always bustin’ my chops. She’s a pistol. All I can say is good luck," he mumbled as Mrs. Abbott appeared.

"Were you talking about me?" Abbott growled prompting Warton to put his head down and go about his business.

With Bridges behind the closed office door, Abbott snarled at him for fraternizing with the janitor as if those less fortunate carry disease.

Abbott's indifference toward those less fortunate was a spark some want to see ignite a larger fire. Abbott can be a bitch when she wants to be and although indifference shouldn't be tolerated it is, unfortunately, the American way.

Thursday, 01.03.02
Marriage proposal rejected on the spot!
Twenty-percent Jabot Cosmetics stock holder Jill Abbott made one of the wisest decisions ever on Thursday when without hesitation she rejected a marriage proposal.

Young enough to be Abbott's son, Jabot employee Sean Bridges stuck a diamond ring in his employer's face, professed his quest to find a soul mate had come to an end and on bended knee asked, "Will you marry me?"

"No sweetie," Abbott replied flat-out.

Abbott's rejection was not total however. She didn't let the word go forth that from this day she and Bridges will no longer be an item because truth be told, Abbott enjoys the sexual stamina Bridges affords. The stud muffin has proven beyond a reasonable doubt that while he may appear to be a sissy boy and has been known to wear red underwear, he's more of a man than some Abbott has had.

Marriage may be out but that doesn't mean Abbott will have to go back to playing shuttle-cock. She'll keep Bridges at her beck and call for those times when she needs to be serviced. Abbott knows that being ridden hot and hard is something many older women can only dream about.