July 2, 2002

Help wanted!
The Genoa City News has learned of an incredible opportunity of a life time for a person possessing auto repair skills.

July 1, 2002

Captive woman spits on rescuer!
by Michael Kelly

After finding and freeing Genoa City grande dame Katherine Chancellor from her brief kidnapping ordeal, Jabot janitor Larry "The Wartman" Warton and jewel heist suspect Amanda Hunnicutt were stunned when Chancellor blamed Hunnicutt for her captivity and spitefully spat in her face!

Before he located and rescued the regal relic, the Wartman barged into the Chancellor mausoleum to confront Hunnicutt. Warty had just seen a sketch of the phony phone guy and knew that "Jay" was actually Mandy's ex-husband Ralph Hunnicutt.

Adamantly demanding answers, the angry Warton wondered why Amanda would aid and abet her ex in his harebrained heist of Casa Chancellor.

Mrs. Hunnicutt pitifully whined that Ralph had been blackmailing her. If she didn't help him get his grubby hands on "lots of cash," he'd remain in Genoa City and harass her daughter Mackenzie in all kinds of wicked ways. She did what she did to protect her offspring.

The Wartman wasn't buying her crock of refuse and ranted, "Don't give me this I want to protect my daughter crap!"

Letting her have it with both barrels, Warty scolded the hash slinger and gem theft accomplice by pointing out that Mandy could have come to him, Katherine, Billy, and even Ned the shelter manager for help when Ralph started spewing his doom and gloom.

Although he's correct that Amanda had many avenues for assistance, what the hell could Worthless Miracle man Ned No-nuts have done to protect her? Other than give her more money she won't pay back or give her a bowl of soup to slurp, No-nuts couldn't have done squat.

As for scrawny, scrunch-faced Billy, he's completely useless without a billy club or fireplace poker in his hand.

Before Warton could rake his lady love over the coals any further, mausoleum maid Esther "Ether" Valentine scurried into the room like Chicken Little when it announced the sky was falling.

Ether let them know that Mrs. C's bed hadn't been slept in, but her room had been ransacked.

No big dummy, the Wartman realized this sick stunt had Ralphie's foul fingerprints all over it.

When airhead Amanda claimed her slimy former spouse, whose committed countless crimes since arriving in Genoa City, would never hurt the dotty dowager, Warty shook some sense into her meager mind and demanded that she tell him where Hunnicutt is.

Mere moments later, Warton and Mandy arrived outside Ralphie's wretched Roach Motel room. The manager used his key to let them in and the threesome found the moneyed matron moaning and groaning on the floor.

While Mr. Manager went to call an ambulance, Amanda and the Wartman released the fossil woman from her masking tape strait jacket, which had kept her confined in a chair.

As soon as she was un-gagged, the unstoppable chloroformed crone commanded the Jabot janitor to find ferret face post haste. Mac's sinister scum of a step-father was determined to find her and do God only knows what to the homely girl.

Once she set eyes on Amanda, Chancellor unleashed her powerful rage on the pitiful creature, and in full vocal viciousness screeched, "You did this! You did this!"

All mousy Amanda could do is repeatedly utter, "I'm so sorry" before averting her gaze from the woman who put a roof over her empty head.

An enraged Chancellor demanded that the hash slinger look at her in the beady eye, and when she did, Katherine cruelly spat in the stupefied simpleton's forlorn face! Since she always looks forlorn and stupefied, Hunnicutt's expression was nothing new.

If anyone in Genoa City's horrific history deserves their status of town pariah, it's Amanda Hunnicutt.

Due to nothing more than a few meaningless words on a tepid cassette tape, Amanda allowed herself to be blackmailed, and pointlessly put everything and everyone she holds dear on the line.

Everyone in town, especially her daughter, have every right to kick this weak-willed woman's sorry behind to hell and back. Since this mealy mouthed masochist gets off on misery, she'd probably enjoy every minute of abuse Genoa City's pissed off populace dishes out.

June 20, 2002

by Brent Kellogg

For all the progress the Genoa City Police is making in its investigation into what some have called the crime of the century, the agency may never solve the Chancellor mausoleum jewel heist.

Sterling did not object when detective Paul Williams told her, "Ill check with my sources downtown" and then took off to have some nookie with his new bride.

Sterling did not impress upon or seem to indicate there was any urgency in the matter which made perfect sense considering she doesn't know Hunnicutt from the man in the moon.

Forgiveness may be one of the highest virtues taught to religious people by Jesus but there can be no forgiving what Chancellor Estate matriarch Katherine Sterling did Tuesday.

Considered a dignified socialite, Sterling committed a compound grave and terrible sin when she foolishly invited a suspicious looking telephone repair man into her mausoleum to share cookies and tea.

Posing as Jay Taylor from the local phone company, wannabe blackmailer Ralph Hunnicutt sat with Sterling, her empty-head maid, Ether Valentine and newest mausoleum tenant, Amanda Hunnicutt, munching on cookies and singing praises for the baker. While crumbs fell on the floor around Hunnicutt, Sterling signed away her rights to any semblance of intelligence when she blissfully said she doesn’t judge people by their uniform or name tag.

Considering the times, when some people are deathly afraid of their own shadows, the obscure statement made no sense. All Sterling could think about was how pleased she was that a repairman had the forethought to appear out of the blue to solve a problem with her telephone that she didn't even know existed!

"That’s real customer service!" Sterling exclaimed patting herself on the back for having invited a total stranger in her home as if it was the culmination of a lifelong dream.

The isn't this the greatest phone company cheerleading abruptly ended when Hunnicutt's daughter gave warning that she was about to enter the room to fetch a misplaced book. In a flash, the repairman hightailed it out the back door and only moments later Sterling asked, "What happened to that Jay fellow?"

"He got a call. Didn't you see him leave out the back door?" Mrs. Hunnicutt volunteered.

Anyone with half a brain would have thought twice. Why hadn't Sterling heard the ringing of a phone? Why hadn't she heard the door close? Why hadn't she gone to the window to see if there was a phone company truck parked in the drive? Wasn't there the least bit of suspicion in the air?

The only thing Sterling's maid was interested in was her cookies which for many would have been hurling across the floor by now had it not been for Sterling's stunning display of libidinous.

Turning to Mrs. Hunnicutt, Sterling had the audacity to say she thinks the maid sees the newcomer as "competition" for the repairman's attention. Adding insult to injury, Sterling made a point of letting Mrs. Hunnicutt know that the maid hasn't had sex with a man in years. And, as a matter of fact, Sterling added that she hasn't had sex with a man for even longer than the maid!

Did the raunchy statement mean that Sterling expects the phone company to keep sending the man to her shack up on the hill on a regular basis? What woman in her right mind would say such things? The repulsive and filthy talk should have caused Mrs. Hunnicutt to grab her daughter and get out as fast as her spindly legs would carry her.

If Sterling is freely giving out details about her lack of sex, who knows what might be going on in that house at night? Sterling, the maid and a young girl? The prospects are frightening.

Memorial Day in Genoa City has just about come and gone. In all the confusion of welcoming ostracized family members into the fold and having tea with sleazy looking telephone repairmen, Chancellor mausoleum queen bee Katherine Sterling completely forgot to look at the calendar. Had she looked, Sterling would have remembered it's that time of year for recalling the dearly departed.

Last year, Sterling and Jill Abbott gathered together in their shared living room to gaze out the window at the grave site of Phillip Chancellor. The name on the tombstone had been slightly altered but the bones were the same.

Both women fought over Chancellor until Sterling literally ran him off a cliff in the car she was driving under the influence at the time. If she couldn't have him nobody would. Miraculously, Sterling survived the crash. But Abbott had managed to get the womanizer into her bed, had his baby - who turned out to be a drunk and killed himself in a car wreck - married Chancellor on his death bed - but the marriage was later declared invalid - and to this day argues with the old woman about who Chancellor really loved.

When she married Rex Romalotti Sterling in 1992, Katherine Chancellor claimed he was man she would love forever but when he died in 1995 after being shot by Norman Peterson, Katherine quickly forgot all about him. Unlike her former husband, Rex didn't rate a grave on the mausoleum grounds.

Each year around the Memorial Day holiday, Mrs. Sterling goes out to the grave to grieve. If the weather is bad she stays inside and looks out the window. Frequently, the head stone has a different inscription. At first, the stone read 'Phillip Chancellor 1929-1975'. The next time it was seen there was only a name - no dates. Most recently, the headstone read, 'Phillip Chancellor - Love Never Ends.

Proving at last that she's certifiably senile, dotty dowager Katherine Chancellor belatedly invited Amanda Hunnicutt, the homeless mother of her beloved granddaughter to move into her mausoleum right before she impulsively allowed wannabe Wichita lineman and suspected terrorist Ralph Hunnicutt into her home for tea!

Ironically, while Chancellor was finally extending Amanda the "generous" invitation, the vagabond's former husband Ralph overheard the entire conversation, which took place backstage at Walnut Grove School For All Ages. Why the imperious "Duchess" had to be chauffeured all the way to her granddaughter's school when she could have phoned is a mystery. Obviously, the wrinkled relic wanted to flaunt her humanitarianism and manicured red nails in the homeless woman's humble face.

Amanda, who knew her slimy ex was privy to every word, was noticeably nervous.

Unbeknownst to Chancellor, Ralphie Boy is blackmailing the hash slinger. If Amanda doesn't agree to case Casa Chancellor to help the lineman score some loot, he'll play a tepid cassette tape for their daughter Mackenzie. The tape contains Mrs. Hunnicutt's ho-hum admission that she's uncertain if she believes her daughter was once fondled by Mr. Orange Plaid. The thought of his former wife being so close to a pot of gold was music to Ralph's ears.

It was a hard sell, but Chancellor got her way. No doubt the surgically enhanced hag thought her dime store sentiment did the trick. She spewed sugary goo such as, "I'm shocked that I didn't think of this years ago!"

As Katherine flounced away on cloud nine, Ralph came out of hiding. He accused Amanda of trying to blow their deal. Mrs. Hunnicutt maintained that she couldn't bear the thought of betraying the grande dame who had been so kind and gracious. It's not every day that a peon like herself receives the "honor" of sharing an estate with a local aristocrat.

Before she left to fetch her meager belongings from the Worthless Miracle homeless shelter, the lineman warned the trampled dandelion not to double-cross him.

When Chancellor's feather brained servant later welcomed Mrs. Hunnicutt into her "new home", Amanda received the shock of her life. Sharing tea and crumpets with Mrs. C was none other than Ralphie Boy himself!

Despite the fact that he was wearing his telephone repairman uniform, only a daft, frivolous, socialite like Katherine Chancellor would allow an oozing maggot like Ralph Hunnicutt into her lavish home without a second thought.

What makes her stupidity even more repugnant is the fact that her granddaughter's meek mother had to practically beg for an invitation while languishing in an overcrowded, vermin infested shelter. Only when it suits the spoiled Mackenzie's purpose does Chancellor consider the homeless woman "family." It would serve the geriatric crone right if Amanda co-operated with Ralphie Boy to rob her blind. Perhaps that would force the fossil's elitist head out of the clouds.

The Genoa City News has learned that Chancellor Industries grande dame Katherine Chancellor and middle brow holy roller Mary Williams will unite to form a new non-profit organization called Meddlers 'R Us.

The purpose of the organization is to help separated or divorced local couples that Chancellor and Williams deem worthy of a second or third chance at love to reconcile their differences and reunite in marriage.

During a press conference, the two women announced that the first pair of lucky love birds they'll attempt to reconnect are former spouses private investigator Paul 'Clueless' Williams and crusading attorney Christine 'Bug' Blair.

It just so happens that Clueless is Mrs. Williams' son. When asked about a possible bias on her part in selecting her son and his ex-wife as the first recipients of her mission of mercy, Mary replied, "That has very little to do with it. Mrs. Chancellor and I agree that Paul, I mean Mr. Williams, and Ms. Blair are made for each other. If it weren't for the likes of that pregnant home-wrecker Dizzy Izzy Brana, they'd still be together today."

Chancellor agreed, adding, "I know that if that darling Bug and Clueless don't reunite, it'll haunt them for the rest of their lives. Mrs. Williams and I will not rest until they are remarried. That Brana woman and the bastard child are mere formalities."

When asked how they would succeed in their noble goal, Mrs. Williams responded, "We will wear them down. Appear on both of their doorsteps night and day if that's what it takes. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if I could convince Ms. Brana to leave town. I'm sure Bug wouldn't mind raising the child with my son. That dear girl is such a martyr."

Later, the two humanitarians were asked separately to describe their impression of one another.

Of Mrs. Williams, Katherine Chancellor remarked, "Oh, Mary is a regular salt of the earth. No pretense. What you see is what you get. The poor thing doesn't even have the time to keep up her appearance. Have you noticed the rags she's wearing? Pitiful. And have you ever seen such a face? She looks like a baboon sipping vinegar."

Meanwhile, Mary said of Mrs. Chancellor, "I admire Katherine Chancellor tremendously. She's such a pillar of the community. It's amazing to me that a woman of her advanced age is so spry. Of course, it's quite obvious that her face has been lifted more than once. I've never met anyone so vain. The way she flaunts her fancy clothes, jewels, and sharp red claws is sickening. I've also heard she's a former alcoholic. I'll have to pray for her."

Mrs. Chancellor admitted that her own social conscience was inspired by the charitable endeavors of her son Brock Reynolds.

"Brock is such a fine young man. As we speak, he's in some God forsaken country hard at work on his new Adopt-A-Leper program. Brock was hugging lepers long before Princess Diana even knew what a leper was."

For Mary Williams, the church is where her heart is.

"When I think of all the bake sales, bingo, raffles, and clothing drives I've spearheaded for my local church, and the money I've raised for the less fortunate, I'm overcome."

But all of that pales in comparison with what these ladies are currently undertaking. Both Chancellor and Williams vow to reunite every wayward, but secretly devoted couple within Genoa City limits. They're next assignment? Why, Victor and Nikki Newman, of course.

Freaks! Just one word described the people attending an impromptu dinner party for local peasants at the Chancellor mausoleum on Friday. The event, thrown together my mausoleum matriarch Katherine Sterling, was catered by live-in slave Ether Valentine who cooked up a special subterranean dish called tabbouleh. For all the past complaints about health food, not a single resident or guest whined about the Middle Eastern vegetarian treat.

Walnut Grove Academy cafeteria worker and homeless woman Amanda Hunnicutt was escorted to the event by Jabot Cosmetics janitor Larry Warton but had great difficulty concentrating due to a scene made by her terrorist teenaged daughter, Mackenzie Browning.

Browning all but ruined the event by refusing to dine with her mother and when the guests wouldn't leave as she had demanded, Browning flew off in a rage. The distraction had such an impact on Hunnicutt she lost her appetite and threatened to go after the ungrateful twerp until Sterling convinced her otherwise.

The outburst drew attention again to the absurdity of a woman so lacking of self esteem she continues allowing Browning to terrorize her and remains living at a homeless shelter while her daughter lives the life of Riley at her grandmother's mansion.

Sterling doesn't have the decency to invite Hunnicutt to move in while her nemesis, Jill Abbott, moves a boy toy in without so much as a peep from Sterling.

Larry 'Wartman' Warton praised the cook pointing out that during his four years at the state pen he's never eaten so good. The thought of being locked behind bars with a burly bunkmate intrigued Sterling so much she encouraged Warton to tell her more about prison life.

Appalled at the disgusting subject matter at the dinner table, Hunnicutt drifted off as Sterling patted Warton on the back for turning his life around.

Upstairs, the noisy sound of a treadmill could be heard. Jill Abbott and Sean Bridges had avoided the party seizing every free moment to prepare for the Chicago marathon. It came as no surprise that young Bridges was pressuring the woman old enough to be his mother for sex. But Abbott pushed him off with a warning. No sex while in training!

Recalling that Sterling has said she won't get much beyond the start line, Abbott suddenly became delusional. "That old crow is downstairs making plans to get me," she sniped.

All the exercise must be causing Abbott to hyperventilate. Sterling has no plan to get anyone except perhaps a body other than her own into her bed. Even if Sterling wanted to get Abbott she wouldn't know how to go about it. Sterling could take legal steps to have Bridges removed from the property but can't find the wherewithal to make it happen.

Overall, the scene Friday at the mausoleum was frightful. Two hopeless women, an ex-con beholden to the Newman clan, a slave who can't say no, a boy who likes to screw his mother and a paranoid has been. All very repulsive people in sad, sad situations.

March 11, 2002
Old woman has nephelococcyguic delusions!
Relegated to a trivial existence even before the woman she hates most moved into her home, Katherine Chancellor Sterling in her recent daze has taken it upon herself to play matchmaker for the one and only friend she has in this world.

So concerned is Mrs. Sterling about Nikki Newman's love life, the old woman donated the use of her rusting yacht for a night of romance docked at Lake Genoa harbor.

The melody of frozen water lapping at the boat was just one of the amenities Sterling impressed upon Mrs. Newman. In a demented state, Sterling went to a local music store to purchase a selection of her favorite tunes for the magical evening apparently unaware that a stereo blasting would drown out the sounds of the water.

Her life coming to an end, Mrs. Sterling has no interest in sitting around all day using her prescription amphetamines. She's old, and her fun days are long behind her. When the wicked witch of West Genoa City moved into and gained ownership of the mansion her dead husband left behind, Sterling vowed if it were the last thing she'd do it would be to get Jill Abbott out.

Years later Abbott continues to reside at the mausoleum along with her boy toy of the month while Sterling babbles about the well-being of her terrorist granddaughter. Each year since Mackenzie Browning moved in Sterling has agonized over when and where to throw the kid a birthday party while the rapidly reaching adulthood Browning sulks.

If Browning were chronologically eight or ten years old a birthday party might be an important event. At age eighteen, kids like Browning could care less about birthdays. They've got more important things on the feeble minds, like zit control.

When she should be thinking about entering college, Browning is wasting away her time thinking about the boyfriend who kicked her to the curb for not wanting sex. Lost in a puppy love, Browning doesn't even play video games and has no concept of how important it is to make the most of her life while she's still young.

Instead of instructing her granddaughter on the fine art of living on Easy Street by the time she hits 30, Sterling coddles Browning as if she were a child of four. No laying down the groundwork for a good, solid career at the Chancellor Estate.

Sterling's next move is to find a way she can pull Browning out of her depression. Is this something grandmothers do? If it is, Sterling would be better off dead. She needs to stop having nephelococcygic delusions that she alone can make a difference in the life of a teenaged girl.

January 31, 2002
Mausoleum owner won't seek eviction!
Madder than a wet hen, old bitty Katherine Sterling has refused to take legal action against Chancellor Estate co-owner Jill Abbott.

A deliberate and controlled Sterling barked at Abbott for moving 'boy toy' Sean Bridges into the mausoleum without permission but made no mention of taking legal action to evict the unwanted guest. However, wagging her long fingernails in the air, Sterling did say legal action would be forthcoming if Abbott makes any changes to the decor.

Sterling's remark, "This is some way to honor Phillip Chancellor’s memory," was countered by Abbott. "Phillip would want me to go on with my life," she said of Sterling's former husband and her former lover who was driven off a cliff and killed by a drunken Sterling.

Knowing full well he's moved in a war zone, an odious Bridges was unfazed and pleased that his sugar mama intends to stay in a home where she is unwanted.

[Is it] "because of the way you feel about Phillip?" Bridges asked Abbott as if he's known the man for years. "Yes, he’d be happy I found you. You are so good for me," Abbott slobbered as Bridges let it be known he plans to butter Sterling up so that the old woman will come to accept his presence.