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August 27, 2002
Jokers are wild
by Brent
Kellogg
Not to anyone's
surprise the absurd Hollister/Brooks fiasco designed to ignite jealousy between
newlyweds-to-be Victor and Nikki Newman went down in flames Tuesday when Max Hollister
could no longer tolerate being part of the ridiculous plan.
With Mrs. Newman in tow, Hollister burst into an adjoining Genoa City Hotel suite where
the farce was playing out and was immediately pounced upon by his partner in practical
bloopers.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Lorie Brooks squealed and at the same time
tipped off Mr. Newman that a strange game was afoot. Dismissing his recycled wife, Newman
demanded to know what the connection between his former lover and Hollister was.
Wanting to set herself free, Brooks could no longer hide the truth. Hollister is her ex
husband. Uninterested in details Newman knew at that moment it was a conspiracy and warned
Hollister that there would be hell to pay if what didn't happen were to cost him another
marriage.
"I'll get you," Newman growled as he walked away from the pitiful scene.
Painfully aware that he now deserved "the silent treatment", Hollister told
Brooks she should have given their complicated plan a chance.
Feeling like the ninny she is, Brooks confessed she knew all along that nobody fools the
great Victor Newman. Besides that, Newman had changed.
The huckleberries began blaming each other for botching an ingenious scheme until Brooks
ascribed their ineptness on Nikki Newman.
"She’s a strong woman now," Brooks spewed leaving out the most important
part of Mrs. Newman's super-reincarnation - independence.
Hollister blasted Brooks for always having had a "thing" for Victor Newman and
she fired back that Hollister has no understanding of how it is with past Newman women.
She, like so many others, had a "deep relationship" with the great man.
Her mission in Genoa City a complete failure, Brooks tossed some soiled panties into a bag
and made her way to the door.
"I'm leaving!" she threatened.
Sighs of relief could be heard far and wide. And don't let the door hit you on the way
out.
August
22, 2002
Dangerous liaisons
by Michael
Kelly
Obsolete author
Lorie Brooks hasn't seen fit to insist that her small-time CEO spouse Max Hollister sign
their damn divorce papers, but that hasn't deterred her and "Big Max" from
moronically masterminding the destruction of aristocratic museum pieces Victor and Nikki
Newman's intended reunification with the help of some sex, lies, and videotape.
Inside Brooks' hotel room, Hollister fiddled with the camera that would hopefully capture
the virile Vic-man leaping lustfully for Lorie's brittle bones.
Genoa City's answer to Jackie Collins goaded her goofball ex by pointing out he
practically had to beg Nikki Newman to agree to meet with him.
Hollister's fragile male ego compelled him to mention that his side of the seamy
conspiracy was virtually a done deal. Mrs. Newman was on her way. But would his former
wife manage to lure the mustache into her lewd lair?
Brooks boasted that her end of the base bargain was being taken care of as they spoke.
And indeed it was. The fax machine in the egomaniacal magnate's inner sanctum belched out
an anonymous invitation to Room 1402 of the Roach Ritz Motel for Newman to partake in a
passionate "premarital adventure."
The aging lothario's shriveled up sex organ struggled to swell as Newman sneered for his
own addle-brained benefit, "Well my darling Nikki. An adventure it will be!"
Back at the Roach Ritz, Hollister huffed how imperative it was for Brooks' serpentine
sexual spark plug not to fail them. Preaching to the converted, the phlegmatic fool
stressed this is their last chance to bring down the Newmans' retched romantic regime.
Suffering from a seething hot flash, Brooks bitched, "I feel like Natasha throwing
her worst at Rocky and Bullwinkle!"
But the thought of that "snip" of a stripper speaking snidely to Lorie and
"walking away unscathed" inspired her to move forward with the puerile plot. The
thought of "the past becoming the present" where Vic was concerned didn't hurt
either.
No mental giant, mad Max muttered, "You have strong feelings for this man."
Later, Hollister hightailed it to his room, phoned Lorie, and she used her reliable remote
control to zap herself inside Max's boob tube.
With the test complete, the bungling businessman turned off the television and welcomed
Nikki into his smarmy suite.
Mrs. Newman made it abundantly clear she wanted to spend no more time with the lame, love
struck lap dog than absolutely necessary.
Like a neutered ninny, Hollister wheezed that he wanted to say good-bye "to someone
I've grown fond of."
Patronizingly patting the forlorn Fido on the head with the F as in "friend"
word, the Newman matriarch was miffed when Max claimed that it was her future with Vic he
was fretting about.
He had to tempt the famished socialite, who had just polished off breakfast an hour
earlier, with a Julius Caesar and Chicken Little salad to get her to stay put.
With pretty posies in hand, Vic growled a predictable, "What are you doing
here?" when he found Brooks instead of his third time wannabe bride inside the
pre-wedding whoopie room.
For some strange reason, Newman agreed to give the deceitful dame a few moments of his
precious time, but barked that she should get to the point.
Demeaning herself deplorably before the great man, Brooks babbled, "I've never been
able to get you out of my system."
The aging sex kitten purred that if she didn't face her formidable feelings for him now,
she'd be haunted by his lost love for another 20 years!
There's something wickedly warped about a legally married couple trying to pull off a
tawdry, 21st century mate swap scheme right out of Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice.
To say nothing of the fact they're willing to wear their weak, bleeding hearts on their
sleeves to make it happen.
It's highly unlikely that Viagra Vic would be tempted to boink Brooks. The woman's
petrified face is tighter than a snare drum, and she's been post-menopausal for some time.
Except for the former wife he has a nostalgic yen for, Newman tends to go for far younger
chicks.
Also, there are far too many loose ends attached to this carnally creepy caper.
How did Brooks obtain Newman's FAX number? What made the co-conspirators think the Newmans
wouldn't run into each other in the Roach Ritz corridor on their way to meet the plotting
perverts? Wouldn't Mrs. Newman think it odd that Hollister's suite is next to Brooks'?
Couldn't they have sent Mrs. Newman the torrid tape rather than lure her to the hotel?
Revenge may indeed be a dish best served cold, but the blood thirsty, smutty soufflé
whipped up by Hollister and Brooks is half-baked at best.
August
21, 2002
Lock and load the blow torch
by Lois
Hill
If the rumor
about top Y&R scribe Kay Alden tanking soon is true her departure cannot come soon
enough based on this inconsistent, mind-altering kick in the proverbial ratings ass.
Max Hollister and Lorie Brooks, wanting to be the early birds that catch the worms, were
up first thing in the morning Wednesday putting on their war paint and ready to lock and
load.
Hollister called Mrs. Newman at the ranch to say he needs instant "closure" and
because of his need she must drop whatever she wasn't doing to rush into the city to hear
in person - phones are useless for such important purposes - what he had to say.
Always ready to do the incredible Newman said sure and didn't blink an eye when Hollister
told her to meet him at Brooks' hotel room. She'd be there in thirty minutes.
Unless there's a new express freeway or a bullet train has been constructed between Genoa
City and the Newman ranch it is an impossibility for Newman or anyone to make the one-hour
trip in thirty minutes.
For her part, Brooks was snorting like a rabid dog ready to summon Victor Newman to her
hotel suite where the great man would be caught in a compromising position when his
bride-to-be walked in though the predictable conveniently open door.
To think that a powerful businessman can be convinced to leave his office within minutes
of arriving or even if he could have been waylaid if Brooks magically had his cell phone
number is laughable.
Just hours ago Brooks said she was going to have a buffet waiting and that Mr. Newman
would be enticed to sample everything. First thing in the morning after he'd just eaten
breakfast? Or maybe by the time it takes Mrs. Newman to grant Hollister closure it'll be
time for lunch. But wouldn't that defeat the purpose? Isn't she supposed to arrive at the
hotel last?
Kay Alden should take a blowtorch to this script. It's dumb. But worse - it's
inconsistent.
August
16, 2002
Newmans must be dealt with
by Brent
Kellogg
Determined
to topple the regime of Victor and Nikki Newman, washed up author Lori Brooks and
jactitational businessman Max Hollister joined forces Friday in what can only be described
as a war against the Newmans.
Although they don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of tearing down the Newman wall of
love Hollister and Brooks began to deploy unspecified weapons of mass destruction Friday
after the great Victor Newman ordered Hollister to leave town or regret not doing so.
Not exactly the most diplomatic person in this mini-megalopolis, Newman flaunted his power
during a run-in at the RoadKill Cafe with Hollister.
"What are you still doing here? If you don’t have business here there is no
reason for you to stay," Newman honked as if he owns the city and then flattered
himself by accusing Hollister of trying to steal his recycled wife.
So delusional that he thinks he can order people out of town, Newman threw a warning in
Hollister's face for good measure. "If you cause trouble for me or anyone in my
family you will regret it."
Ordered to crawl back under the rock he came out from under, Newman's ranting only
agitated Hollister determination to make Newman pay for being an evil man who, left to his
own devices, will wreak havoc again on his darling wife Nikki.
Following in her husband's footprints, Nikki Newman issued her own set of orders Friday to
Brooks and nearly identical to Victor Newman's rant demanded to know why Brooks is still
in town.
Accused of being a washed up writer, Brooks countered Newman's venom with a reminder that
she was once a cheap, whoring stripper.
Based on this weak exchange of verbal insult Newman ordered Brooks out of town.
"It’s time for you to leave town," she hissed quickly adding that if Brooks
was lucky she and Mr. Newman would forget that she ever came to Genoa City.
Looking for the slightest reason to launch an attack, Brooks made up her mind right then
and there that Newman needs to be taught a lesson. "The stripper made a mistake. She
will regret this," Brooks said.
The war cannot be won but the cause is just. The Newmans are the most intellectually
backward people in Genoa City if not the World. Their bellicosity is exceeded only by
their illiteracy. Their bullying tactics are repugnant and any damage the Hollister/Brooks
war can inflict will be greatly deserved.
This
report was made possible in part by:
August 1, 2002
Skeletal remains
by Brent
Kellogg
After one of the most bizarre conversations ever it became clear Thursday that the time is
right to send Victor and Nikki Newman a message. The message should be sent while it is
still early enough to do something constructive about the disappointing quality of their
relationship so far.
In an unusual move, Newman Towers building security alerted the penthouse king that a
visitor was on the way up and they thought that since it was so late at night Victor
Newman would like to know. It's not building policy to ask first - they just send
strangers up and let the tenants decide whether the person is Osama bin Laden in disguise.
Opening the door, Newman was stunned to see the woman who left him at the alter twenty
years ago and perturbed that Lorie Brooks hadn't called ahead. His curiosity piqued,
Newman could only think to ask why Brooks had come to see him.
"We had some beautiful times together," Brooks asserted prompting Newman to
recall how he had been suckered into believing that she was in love with his body when in
reality she was using him to get her husband’s business back.
Of all the women Newman had ever used and abused Brooks was the only one to have turned
the tables and hurt him.
Brooks brushed Newman's mini-sob story off by recalling that she was a mere pup at the
time. But she was impressed when Newman invited her family to his first marriage to Nikki
Newman adding that she knew way back then that while Newman was screwing her husband over,
he was "a kind and generous person."
As the disjointed conversation full of gaping holes continued Brooks revealed that for all
the time that has passed she has never forgiven herself and feels that Newman owes her big
time. And for what might Newman owe? The twelve carat engagement ring she left behind!
Rather than asking what in the hell she was babbling about Newman completely shifted the
already confusing topic to how well Brooks has weathered the years. Incredibly, Brooks
responded that for an old man Newman was "still very handsome" and then asked if
he'd like to know which hotel she's staying in!
When Newman wouldn't answer Brooks stated that her reason for stopping by was to seek
atonement and his forgiveness.
Because forgiving someone carries no obligation to perform Newman forgave the woman and in
the next breath asked again - although she had just told him - why Brooks was really in
Genoa City?
"I just happen to be here on personal business," Brooks clamored before
injecting that she had a feeling they should clear the air.
If Newman expected some dialog of substance was to follow he would have been wrong. Brooks
had nothing more to say other then the time had come for her to take her leave.
Apparently, Newman knew Brooks' inability to speak coherently was chronic and agreed it
would be best for her to go.
Leading the list of fresh worries that another Newman marriage is all wrong was Nikki
Newman's craven and disreputable attempt to say good-bye to Max Hollister.
Under the guise of thanking the Hollister Manufacturing CEO for helping her through a
rough time in her meaningless life, Mrs. Newman cynically calculated that she could rid
herself of the near total stranger by flashing her big crackerjack toy in his face.
"I’ve accepted Victor’s proposal," the former stripper cooed adding
that she's flip-flopped again and loves the great man with all her cholesterol clogged
heart.
Hollister threw a fit. How could this woman he had become infatuated with overnight allow
herself to get sucked in again? Newman would use her and was already dictating her life.
On a roll, Hollister went so far as to tell the old cow not to marry Newman and that doing
so would only hurt her in the end.
Moving in for the kill, Hollister was stopped in his tracks. "I know what I want to
do with my life," Mrs. Newman boasted pushing the vulture back and telling him the
time had come to end their finger-licking frolicking before it morphed into an abusive
relationship.
Sensing his neck was on the chopping block Hollister disappeared. But it wouldn't be the
last time Mrs. Newman sees this jaw-dropping boob in her face.
With more important things to do than pussyfoot around, Mrs. Newman knew it was late and
that she better get back to her main man. Arriving at Newman Towers she zipped up the
elevator and noticed that voices were emitting through the open door to the Newman suite.
Hiding behind a convenient potted plant she listened as Lorie Brooks said good-bye and
brushed past her without noticing. Trying to keep in insecurities in check, Mrs. Newman
walked into the apartment, demanded to know why Ms. Brooks had been before the great man
and was immediately charged with spying.
Assuring her scaly-skinned man that she's not buying into the government TIPS plan to rat
out suspicious characters, Mrs. Newman was shocked to learn Brooks' had stopped by so late
just to say she was sorry for walking out on a wedding some twenty years ago. But more
importantly, the aging woman was outraged that Brooks hadn't given a warning before her
arrival!
Responding to the rash of sexual scandals her former husband is famous for, Mrs. Newman
accused Brooks of having tossed her hat into Mr. Newman's harem ring. But assured that she
is his best "candidate" for the job of top blowup doll, the soon to be bride
cooled her jets.
What these few moments in just one of the days of their lives showed is that there is no
getting around it. Another Newman marriage won't work. They can tell themselves that it
will until they are blue in the face but it won't. Victor and Nikki Newman are like
unearthed bodies better left in the ground.
July 31, 2002
Your papers please
by Brent
Kellogg
Businessman Max Hollister nearly had a heart attack Wednesday. Not from the greasy food
he eats at the RoadKill Cafe he's come to call his home away from home, but rather from
the astonishing revelation that after all this time separated from his wife, the divorce
papers have yet to be signed!
In another stunning development, Hollister's estranged wife announced that when she
couldn't reach him at his office she decided to go looking for the man. Undoubtedly, Lorie
Brooks tossed a dart at a map and said to herself, yeah, he must be in Genoa City. The
thought of mailing the divorce papers to Hollister never entered her head.
Acknowledging
that he plans to be in Genoa City for an unlimited amount of time, Hollister didn't let on
that he's hot for the woman belonging to the city's most powerful man who just happens to
be the man his Ms. Brooks confessed she was once sweet on.
It was no
surprise to discover that both outsiders have adopted Genoa City's tired cliche usage when
Hollister professed that both he and Brooks have "moved on" with their lives.
July 10, 2002
Connecting the dots
by Brent
Kellogg
When the word came down that Lorie Brooks would be returning to Genoa City the blood
pressure went up and the heart skipped a beat. At long last it might be learned what
Brooks had been doing since leaving the city in 1982.
Of particular concern was the connection between Brooks and Victor Newman. After being
cleared of all charges in the death of her daughter-in-law, Brooks was stunned to learn
that Newman had used the proxy she gave him to seize Prentiss Industries. Brooks charged
Newman was a low-down double-crosser who had promised he would destroy the proxy and she
vowed to get the company back.
Tossing a few scraps to keep Brooks off his back, Newman offered her a job as a PR writer
at Prentiss which she accepted and the two eventually became involved personally as well
as professionally.
What Newman didn't know was that Brooks was using her position to access confidential
which she planned to use in a scathing expose. But the expose never came out. Newman
proposed marriage to Brooks and she made him promise to return Prentiss to her before the
wedding. Newman agreed.
Brooks burned the manuscript and stood Newman up on their wedding day. She left a note for
the great man saying her past was more important than a future with Newman.
Lorie Brooks left Genoa City in 1982 to be with the one she really loved, Lance Prentiss.
It came
as no surprise to learn Brooks dumped Prentiss and took up with Max Hollister only to
divorce him too.
So what is
Brooks' purpose for returning to Genoa City? On the surface it would appear she has none.
At best, she's coming to reconnect with Hollister and after rehashing the past with Newman
will probably leave town with Hollister when he figures out he can't have Nikki Newman
because the Newman's are getting married again.
Sadly, Lorie
Brooks' short stay in Genoa City is not about her at all. It is nothing more than an
afterthought to Newman's recent quest to find himself and an easy way to tie up a loose
end named Max Hollister.
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