December 23, 2002

Horrified bafflement
by Brent Kellogg

Using the key nobody has had the good sense to ask him to surrender, Clueless let himself into the old Bug nest and began dreaming of the last Christmas he had spent with the albino.

As if anyone needs more proof that the human animal is still pretty much living in the stone age, Clueless was later joined by Michael Baldwin after gazing at a photo of himself and the critter which had been placed under a bedroom pillow either by the Bug after Clueless raped her or by Baldwin who really, really wants to admit his feelings for Clueless but can't find the words.

Baldwin sniveled how he misses the bug so much and thinks about her every minute of every day and oh god, she makes him so very happy and all he wants for Christmas is the Bug back.

As visions of sugar plum fairies danced in their heads, Clueless and Baldwin privately wished a chaps-wearing, bare-assed Bug would come to them yet again in their deepest hottest hip-grinding dreams so they can whisk her away on their big white stallions to the land of fuzzy blue fairies and very large veiny dildos.

Raising their glasses in honor of the holy Bug, the two proposed a toast as Satan rubbed his temples and laughed in abject horrified bafflement.

November 7, 2002

Without a clue
by Lois Hill

November 6, 2002

Lesser of two evils
by Molly Media

October 21, 2002

Cheap thug goes ballistic
by Brent Kellogg

October 11, 2002

Will the truth set him free?
by Brent Kellogg

A sudden appetite for the truth was apparent in Genoa City on Friday, which unleashed, could bring down at least four prime denizens of high culture.

Vaguely disturbed and just a little grossed out, attorney Michael Baldwin is trying to comprehend why his partner, the crusading Christine 'Bug' Blair, is consumed with a rush to set the dogs of war loose by attending the christening of her former husband's baby.

Flabbergasted, the Bug is nevertheless prepared to launch an unprovoked attack. She admittedly hates dizzy Izzy Williams and drool forms in the corners of her mouth whenever she thinks about "scratching her eyes out."

Additionally, the Bug is now wondering where Mrs. Williams came from. The woman seems to have just dropped into detective Paul Williams' life with a sketchy "damsel in distress" routine which Williams bought into hook, line and sinker.

Fearing his conspiracy will be revealed, Baldwin suggested that there are things in life not worth questioning and urged the Bug to forget about the past. But the Bug has reached such a low point in her life she can't forget how despicable Mrs. Williams is.

Equally in the pits of hell, detective Williams, clueless as always, is searching for proof that his former wife slept with Baldwin. He's asking anyone including his office secretary.

"Baldwin is a low life, a miserable excuse for a human being," says Williams who should know one when he sees one. Anyone so low as to ask an employee, "Is she sleeping with him?" should be butchered and fed to the pigs.

For her part the Bug isn't that far up on the sleaze meter.

Knowing that Williams is a loose cannon, the Bug slithered by his office just in time to walk in on the tail end of a conversation in which Williams was being told to stop his cynical attempts to manipulate emotion, put the past behind him and focus on his current life.

But Williams can't stop his unknown, unproven, unquantifiable, logic-defying need. He confronted the Bug directly. Is the rumor true? Did she have sex with Baldwin?

And what if she did? Does Williams think he can stop it? Is this fear mongering some sort of attempt at regime change? Has Williams been watching too much of that slanted TV news? Is his transparent goal to get a woman - who doesn't want him - back?

Williams has reached a dangerous new level which can only collapse on him like a cheap umbrella.

October 10, 2002

Rape?
by Brent Kellogg

But most importantly, will Williams be charged with a crime and if convicted will he serve prison time?

September 3, 2002

The wad of slime
by Brent Kellogg

Aside from a gig as the designated private detective for the local royalty, Paul Williams has no career, no prospects and no social life. He is a self-involved, deeply confused loser with nothing better to do than intimidate guests at a wedding party at which he himself is a guest!

Attending what his wife described Tuesday as the wedding of "the century" pus-head Williams was on his most grandiloquently asinine behavior.

While trying to figure out how to tie his shoe laces Williams and his brothel bumpkin wife had discussed the odds of attorneys Michael Baldwin and Christine 'Bug' Blair attending the affair.

Knowing that his former wife had worked on the Cassie Newman adoption case Williams had little doubt. As for Baldwin, the super-sleuth knew too that the crusading critter would never do something so dumb as to allow herself to be escorted to an event of the year by what he described as "a wad of slime."

But who really is the wad?

As another Victor Newman wedding kicked off at the ritzy ColonRoom banquet hall, Williams eyeballed Baldwin from across the room, approached the man and demanded to know, "What the hell are you doing here?"

Not that he had to explain anything, Baldwin confirmed his job at the wedding was to protect the Bug and was told by Williams, "Do us all a favor - leave!"

The phalanx of knuckleheads, Williams should have been decked right then and there for his atrocious nerve. Nearly as much a wimp as Jack Abbott, Baldwin couldn't do what needed to be done and shook in his boots until the Bug slithered by to tell Williams to kiss her ass.

"What are you doing bringing this low life to Victor’s wedding?" ding-dong Williams snarled.

"I can do whatever I please! Leave me alone," the Bug hissed.

It's too bad that Victor Newman wasn't privy to this full-time son-of-a-bitch's audacity. Who wants a hatchet-man raining on their parade? Take your filthy mouth, that slut you only knew a few weeks before you knocked her up - while cheating on my friend in the process - and get out!

Williams is a carrier of the dreaded Jerk Virus. But he doesn't have enough material to work with. Moreover, he seems to have persuaded himself that Baldwin is so much more of a wad of slime than he is and that anyone with whom he comes into contact will immediately start engaging in prodigiously self-destructive behavior.

Baldwin may be a sissy-boy and he's done some dastardly deeds in the past. But Baldwin doesn't have a daughter he never calls or a father he doesn't make contract with or a Bible-thumping mother who encourages women to have sex outside marriage and he hasn't been married or had sex with most of the women in this town.

July 29, 2002

Hubby banishes wife from seeing only pal
by Michael Kelly

Fit to be tied when he found out Monday that his former bordello babe bride Dizzy Izzy is associating with a common adulteress, sperm thief, and scheming squatter, inept investigator Paul "Clueless" Williams ordered his stunned spouse never to socialize with Diane Jenkins again!

The insanity started when the dunderhead detective asked his wife the name of the "mystery friend" she spent time with the previous night.

Before disclosing the dame's name, Dizzy Izzy admitted that her pal is practically a pariah where Paul's friends the Abbotts are concerned.

Clueless casually shrugged off this bit of news because he figured whatever the dispute was, it would "blow over" before too long.

Besides, Williams himself wasn't always fond of Jack Abbott, but they're now the best of buddies.

Therefore, Mrs. Williams shouldn't mind answering her hubby's harebrained questions.

Asked how well she knows her anonymous acquaintance, Dizzy Izzy replied that they're confidantes, and discuss feeble female troubles that a man wouldn't understand.

When probing Paul insisted on hearing the woman's name, his wife reluctantly replied, "Diane Jenkins."

Needing to know the little woman wasn't "joking," the numbskull stuttered, "the person you've been hanging out with all these months is Diane Jenkins?"

Once Mrs. Williams confirmed the terrible truth, Inspector Clouseau went on a tiresome, tyrannical tirade. He dramatically declared that Jenkins' entire existence has run the gauche gamut "from one sordid episode to the next."

Saying that he has "serious issues with Diane Jenkins that go way back," Paulie prattled on about the wanton woman's many misdeeds.

For starters, the slut slept with smilin' Jack Abbott on the morning of his wedding to Williams' long forgotten younger sister Patty.

A few years later, Diane cheated on Clueless' defective detective agency ally Andy Richards when she was married to him.

Attempting to defend the only chum she has in the world, Mrs. Williams whined that those indiscretions occurred years ago. Can't a tramp change for the better?

Aghast that she could suggest something so asinine, Paul the prig proclaimed that no woman with a past as imperfect as Jenkins' can be salvaged from the trash heap.

If she doesn't believe him, Dizzy Izzy should ask those that know the bitch better. Like her former flame Jack Abbott, ex-husband Victor Newman, and her belittled butt-wiper Marisa Barton.

Told in no uncertain terms by her hot-headed husband to "stay away" from Jenkins, Dizzy Izzy dared to ask, "Is that an order?"

Irrationally irate that his command was being questioned, Paul the pit bull barked, "Look, this isn't up for debate. I'm telling you to stay away from that woman!"

Someone needs to remind this autocratic caveman that civilization has long surpassed the Dark Ages. Wives are no longer required or expected to obey their spouses.

As cretinous a coquette as Dizzy Izzy is, she shouldn't allow herself to be dictated to by that dork of a detective.

There are ways Mrs. Williams could get even with her monstrous mate. She should deny him sex, refuse to cook his meals, and opt not to do his laundry.

Izzy might even consider secretly inserting his toothbrush in the toilet, or courageously cut the crotch out of all of his pants! At the very least, she should tell the putz that she'll decide for herself who her friends are.

What's baffling about the brute's attitude is how selective he is in placing blame.

Doesn't the dolt realize his "friend" Jack Abbott caused Patty far more pain than Diane ever did?

The cad's adulterous affair with Jenkins caused Patty to lose Jack's baby. Abbott's terrible treatment of his young wife brought her to the brink of madness!

Also, the fling Diane had while married to Richards just happened to be with Jacko as well!

Considering these frightening facts, why would Williams think the Jabot CEO is his buddy, but Diane is despicable? Even an imbecile like Clueless must see his logic is loco!

And while he dredged up ancient history, it's a pity Paul forgot his own.

Back in 1978, he was a bumbling beach bum who had irresponsible sex with Nikki Reed and gave her a slimy STD!

Ten years later, the moral mouse continued playing kissy-face with Cassandra Rawlins even after learning she was married to his friend George.

Last but far from least, he unzipped his pants last year and let "little paul" randily roam fancy free while his wife was away on a business trip!

In fact, the female he dilly-dallied with while married was none other than Dizzy Izzy! The brief boinking resulted in the bastardized birth of their boy child Ricky Carl.

If pinhead Paul's hypocrisy isn't horrible enough, consider the tawdry truth of his wicked wife's profane past that he's chosen to ignore.

Less than 2 years ago, the former Ms. Brana rubbed far more than the bare backs of strange men while she was infamously employed at the Heaven Can Wait massage parlor!

June 10, 2002

June 4, 2002

Williams takes another bride
by Brent Kellogg

May 28, 2002

May 22, 2002

April 22, 2002

Private eye under fire
by Brent Kellogg

Having apparently come to the conclusion that hard choices and real leadership is needed if he is to ever get a semblance of his meaningless life back on track, Genoa City's most clueless private detective said this week that he doesn't know the slut he knocked up that well.

It has taken Paul 'Clueless' Williams almost a year to get a grip on what has turned into a dire situation. With the life of an innocent child at stake, Williams needs to outline a clear blueprint for making a clean break from one of the most evil women to ever walk the streets.

After defending dizzy Izzy Brana, and expressing sympathy for the plight of her unborn baby, Williams was ordered by the bitch Monday that failure to marry her will result in his being ejected from the apartment where the couple has been playing house.

If Williams can engage the brain that is suspected of residing within his skull he should call Brana's bluff and use every available tool to tighten the noose around her neck. Leaving Brana alone with a baby to raise would be just punishment for a woman who has given wickedness new meaning.

Allowing himself to become trapped in a marriage is not the solution for Williams as it would only breed contempt and with his track record, more babies. Williams needs to get away from Brana fast! Brana may think she has an ace in her hole but a quick DNA check, which Williams should get off his ass and demand, is expected to prove Williams did not impregnate her.

For months Williams and his wife tried to make a baby. When the goods were not forthcoming, Williams' mother increased the pressure until her son's marriage burst into estrangement. At the time it was the little woman who was blamed for being unable to conceive and before other explanations could be explored the marriage dissolved.

The reality may be that it is Paul Williams who is sterile! His plumbing has sprung leaks in the past including a bout with impotence.

So let Brana push childbearing to the furthest frontiers and see where it gets her.

April 17, 2002

Escape from evil
by Brent Kellogg

It seems like only yesterday. Genoa City's most clueless detective couldn't wait to plunge his bone deep into a woman he didn't know from Eve. Sure, dizzy Izzy Brana was a former brothel employee, had lied, cheated, stole and who knows what else but Paul Williams didn't care. He was a troubled soul with certain manly needs trying to put the past behind and move on after another of his marriages had failed.

The sleaze-fest over, Williams wasn't at all surprised to learn the evil Brana was carrying his bastard child and was too dumbed down to ask for DNA proof. If Brana said the baby was his it must be true.

The raunchy duo moved in together, played house and tongue-tagged occasionally taking time out to sooth Brana's belly twitching. The ritualized exhibitionism and quasi-decadence reached a climax when Williams hired an interior decorator to fix up a nursery for the baby he hopes will get him off the hook for ignoring his grown daughter.

Just when Williams thought the sex gods couldn't treat him better, Brana pulled the whip out and began cracking. The detective was having thoughts about his former wife, his mother wanted her in a home for unwed mothers and it had to stop. To that end, Brana hinted marriage.

Not only would a ring in Williams' nose legitimize her baby but would prove once and for all that the PI had moved on.

Marriage? The word made Williams' skin crawl. Pointing out that the ink on his divorce degree is still wet, Williams promised Brana he would think about marrying her at a later date. But Brana isn't willing to wait around. She wants action. If he cannot commit, Williams could find himself kicked to the curb.

The Brana threat is real but she's bluffing. Without Williams who will support her? The vapid creature is not one with the moral fortitude it takes to raise a child alone.

If Williams thinks the evil witch is the answer to all his ills he needs to rethink his position. Indeed, there is a stench in the wind lending credence to just that.

Attorney Michael Baldwin hasn't said it yet but he will. The Brana/Williams relationship is a shaky house of cards which could fall apart at any time. Mix in the return of Christine Williams and watch the fizzle.

With his wife back in town, Clueless can't help but notice how strange Brana seems at times. To escape her evil spell Williams will have to scramble.

March 27, 2002
Happy days are here again
The words "we come from different worlds" were not uttered but the diatribe oozing from trickster dizzy Izzy Brana came very close. Closing his busy detecting and alarm company for the day, detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams put in an appearance at a local wake before scurrying home to check up on his little woman.

Clueless found Brana sleeking around their tiny apartment wearing only a virginal garment which left no doubt she never took a vow of chastity. Trying not to waddle, Brana slithered near Williams and cooed, "After what you’ve been through today I wanted you to come back to an entirely different world."

Clueless looked around at the glowing candles too stupid to wonder what she meant. He was enjoying an extra day away from the office and hadn't been through anything unless Brana was referring to the absurd memorial service.

Moving to a sofa the couple began rubbing her plump belly half-way expecting a genie to pop out. "How’s he doing?," Williams asked of the soon to be born child.

"I thought you didn’t care if we have a boy or girl," Brana snipped prompting Williams to say he doesn't care one way or the other. "All I want is a healthy, happy baby," he said quickly adding, "That’s all I’m praying for."

The reality of course is that Williams doesn't pray unless there is a life-threatening event taking place in which case saying that he prays is the politically correct thing to do.

"You are going to be such a good father," Brana told Williams who to this day hasn't sought DNA verification that the child was sired with his sperm.

Regardless, Williams says he's a "happy" man and living with a woman with the morals of a Taliban warrior couldn't be better.

February 14, 2002
Detective stepping into eternal hell
Paul Williams, Genoa City's most clueless detective, has reportedly reached a major turning point in his life. After months of emotional trauma Williams has concluded his only option is to take responsibility for the life he inadvertently created after a one night stand with former brothel employee dizzy Izzy Brana.

Williams knows very little about Brana and doesn't know for a fact the child she is carrying is his but has decided to make a future with the woman anyway. In order to get to know Brana better Williams will soon propose that she start spending more time with him before leaping into another marriage.

With a baby on the way Brana doesn't want to date the man she's repeatedly lied to and misled but is expected to suggest Williams move in with her and worry about marriage later.

Williams is prepared to make the move to author Nina Webster's apartment which Brana sublets with rental payments provided by attorney Michael Baldwin. Brana tricked Baldwin into thinking her child was his, blackmailed him briefly for financial support but called off the ruse when Williams' former wife threatened to expose Brana. Williams is expected to pick up the rent since Brana has not worked a single day since arriving in Genoa City and has no source of income outside residual blackmail.

Certain to seal their deal with the kiss of death, Williams and Brana are destined to go down in flames. The only person with any hope of benefiting from this relationship made in hell is Williams' mother. But even Mary Williams would never have wanted a grandchild under these circumstances.

February 7, 2002
Still clueless after all these years
Genoa City's most useless private eye, detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams was in a tizzy Thursday trying to comprehend why the woman he knocked up would talk to a total stranger.

"Why would she confide in you? She barely knows you," Williams asked department store magnate Lauren Fenmore after learning dizzy Izzy Brana gave Fenmore the gruesome details surrounding her unborn baby.

The next time Clueless visits the local coffee shop or roadkill cafe he need only open his big ears. He'll hear the likes of Sharon Newman spilling her guts to an employee on the job for less than a week. Drop by Baldwin & Williams law office for something other than picking a fight and Clueless might catch his little tramp telling another woman she doesn't know how she tricked Baldwin into thinking he was the father of her baby.

Giving up their innermost intimate secrets to total strangers is commonplace among the mentally challenged in Genoa City. Even sex is fair game. Are you having sex? How often? Did you like it? For all they reveal about themselves it's a wonder these people aren't inviting strangers over to watch.

January 16, 2002
He's a daddy!
The Genoa City News has learned that after the repeated threats to tell the truth or else, detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams will ask the woman he committed adultery with if the baby she claims to be carrying was spawned with his sperm.

Currently blackmailing local attorney Michael Baldwin for paternity support, former brothel employee dizzy Izzy Brana is expected to admit Williams is the father. However, neither man has demanded a paternity test and Brana is not receiving prenatal care.

For unexplained reasons, Baldwin has taken a keen interest in a ready made family and could soon ask for Brana's hand in marriage. While seemingly disinterested in a child he so desperately wanted a few months ago in part to shut his mother up, Williams may be forced into a strange competition for Brana's affection.

As the events unravel Williams will also have to contend with the revelation that one of his former wives, Lauren Fenmore, is again in love with him.

January 8, 2002
On your back!
by Brent Kellogg

After months of slinking around a former brothel employee, tearing himself between should I jump her bones or shouldn't I jump her bones, detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams eventually had his way with dizzy Izzy Brana committing adultery in the process. Like any good catholic Williams nor Brana used pornography during the act and are unlikely to have participated in anal sex, oral sex, phone sex, or used any form of contraception.

When Williams found out Brana is carrying a baby he didn't give the pregnancy a second thought. Brana told him she had hooked up with attorney Michael Baldwin just once and even though she had spread her legs for him, Williams did not once consider the baby could be his. Not a peep from Williams about a paternity test. So long as Brana wasn't considering an abortion, Williams could care less and even demanded Baldwin live up to his parental responsibility.

Without a female source for sexual release Williams began having flashbacks Tuesday about the former wife he cheated on. A man doesn't know what he's got until it's gone. As sick a human as Williams is, he made an already repulsive situation worse by discussing his lack of sexual outlets with Lauren Fenmore.

The aging Fenmore herself a former Williams wife, she seemed intrigued as Williams babbled on about his former wife and the former brothel employee he lusted after. Her crotch on fire, Fenmore had to restrain herself from ripping her clothing off when Williams hinted he'd settle for a roll in the hay with her.

Though screwing any man with a zipper on the front of his pants has been a lifelong hobby for Fenmore she would do well to resist the urge to flop on her back for Williams. How does she know where 'Little Paul" has been. Fenmore already knows the clueless detective doesn't provide a helmet for his willie which could be crawling with disease.

With a child somewhere in Los Angeles in need of a mother, Fenmore should dump her whore waiting in the wings mystique and get her ass out of Genoa City. What Williams is doing is repugnant enough without Fenmore's encouragement.