Hell pit burglarized by needy thieves
by Brent
Kellogg
Looking
incredibly twitchy and sexually confused and unsure of why they are still allowed to
breathe, Genoa City misfits Brittany Hodges and Raul Guittierez pondered the meaning of
life here Tuesday while sitting on a park bench in the snow watching homeless people
pushing shopping carts pass by.
Worried he'd be sent to Hell if someone noticed his eyes averting the less fortunate, Raul
tucked a buck into the withered palm of a homeless man as deeply saddened but still
hopeful people who were just sort of staring and shaking their heads watched Brittany jump
up to dump the spare change from her purse on the homeless creature causing the very cold
air to recoil.
Praising themselves for being so utterly self-righteous and in line to becoming the next
Mother Theresa, the misfits headed to their one room shack to dine on turkey purchased
with their last dime from a local deli.
Approaching the reeking hell pit they call home, Raul and Brittany were hardly surprised
to see that the door had been kicked in, the place trashed, the boom box, color TV,
leather coat, jewelry, cell phone and $20 in cash stolen and worst of all, the turkey and
all the trimmings gone.
Raul was determined to ethnically cleanse those damnable thieves by calling the cops, but
Brittany knew the resources drained, inept police department would take days to respond if
at all and is too strapped to investigate miscellaneous crime. Besides that, Brittany felt
the thieves are less fortunate and thus the act of committing a crime was somehow
justified and Satan wouldn't approve of ratting out a fellow thief.
Brittany's bobblehead way of thinking was enough to make a decent citizen throw up his
hands - and his lunch - and accept the cynical notion that nothing in Genoa City anymore
makes any sense.
And just when it was looking as if maybe Santa Claus doesn't stop on the rooftops of
shanty town homes and apartments for fear of being sleigh-jacked, Adela and Vicente
Guittierez appeared at the busted door bearing gifts and nourishment. Even before Adela
could warm up the pollo, which is nothing like the chemical-laden cologne bearing a nearly
identical name, Fred and Anita Hodges appeared with gifts and lamb stew causing the
carnivores squeezing Satan's boils to snicker and become orgasmic.
Deep colon-wrenching moans could be heard as this herd of partially lobotomized freaks
lamented the meaning of family - especially on Christmas Eve - not once mentioning the
missing Guittierez, Diego, and in less than 24-hours would be joyously slipping stilettos
in each other's backs.
October
10, 2002
Paralyzed accident
victim walks away
Mowed down in the
prime of life when he foolishly jumped into a vehicle being driven by a drunk which
subsequently was involved in a wreck, diabetic and one-time Jabot Cosmetics Glow Worm Raul
Guittierez was expected to be released from the hospital on Thursday after a three week
stay. Having whined that he would be a cripple for life, Guittierez appears to have made a
marvelous comeback and was seen taking calls on his cellular phone which are banned in
credible hospitals. His medical bills, thought to be approaching the $50,000 mark, are
expected to be covered by the parents of the driver of the wrecked red sports car with GLOW
GR license plates, Brittany Hodges.
September
24, 2002
The vile infestation
What a
snotty little bugger that Raul Guittierez is! Still playing the wounded goldbricker, the
male mammal became a big and juicy parasite Tuesday when he grossed everyone out by
forgiving Brittany Hodges for making him get into her car, participating in a car wreck
but unable to forget what she did!
Hodges should have smacked the rotten smelling hospital patient upside his thick head
when, after saying how much she loves and cares for him, the diabetic boy caustically said
he had waited so long to hear her say those words but, alas, certain debts cannot be
forgotten for it is he paying the price, unable to get out of bed to pee or poop and
facing what could be years of therapy.
Guittierez's wallowing in self pity makes him nothing less than an icky parasite sucking
blood and chewing intestines and causing eventual writhing painful death.
Nobody, not even a snob like Hodges, should have to put up with such crap from a vile
cultural acariasis.
September 20,
2002
Able body, broken mind
by Michael
Kelly
Despite the
fact there's no longer a damn thing wrong with him -- at least not physically -- dejected
diabetic Raul Guittierez was still lying flat on his back here Friday when he received an
inexplicable visit from his friend's mother during which he alternately condemned and
defended the girlfriend he voluntarily dumped when her daredevil drunken driving nearly
paralyzed him!
Proving she has no life, Jabot exec Jill Abbott dropped by the glowering Glow Worm's
bedside with moldy magazines she swiped from a C4D waiting room.
Grateful for the company, Raul happily abandoned the spit balls he'd been hurling into the
waste basket out of utter boredom.
Gazing upon Guittierez's ugly mug, which only a meat grinder could love, with a toxic
mixture of empathy and horror, Jill jabbered, Oh, sweetie, look at your face!"
Regaining her cool, Abbott inquired if her wannabe carpenter son Billy had been notified
his best bud Raul was laid up in the quack factory as a result of Brittany Hodges'
inebriated crash into a hapless tree.
Displaying an all too rare practicality attack that's atypical of every hyper sensitive,
histrionic hick in this hamlet, Guittierez groaned that he and Mac Browning decided it
would be futile to freak out Billy boy while he's sawing logs in a remote Louisiana swamp.
Besides, if young hammer head Abbott dropped his 2 by 4's to hold his pal's paw, he'd be
sure to reprimand Raul for taking up with the Hodges nymphet in the first place.
When Mrs. Abbott dared to draw an irresponsible "parallel" between Britt's booze
induced brain drain that allowed her son to freeze his ass off in the snow because Hodges
was too tanked to call 911, and the soused spin she subjected the diabetic to, Raul
adamantly objected.
The blonde bimbo's appalling, alarming moral apathy where Billy was concerned occurred
"years ago."
Consistent with the contrary, contradictory, quixotic quirks of the jerks in Genoa City,
ragin' Raul quickly changed his tune from that of Hodges' defender to her derider.
"I thought she'd changed, but I was wrong. It's over," the oaf oozed.
Beneath Britt's "shallow" exterior of "make-up, drinking, and
partying," the Glow geek thought she was a "real" deal dame he "could
connect with."
Chomping at the bit to play a spirited round of the blame game, Guittierez was quick to
priggishly point the finger at "superficial snobs" Fred and Anita Hodges, who
reprehensibly raised and "ruined" their daughter until she attained full fledged
bad seed status.
Obnoxiously analyzing the upper crust couple with his nose in the air, the smug slug
sniffed, "I really think Brittany is who she is because they're more concerned about
who's in their country club."
A comical case of the pot calling the kettle black, nouveau rich bitch Jill hypocritically
pointed out that "self made" millionaires like Fred Hodges are often the most
likely to forget their humble beginnings!
Marinating yet again in his minuscule misery, Guittierez gasped, "I feel so bad.
There was so much about her that was so cool and so great."
Trying to soothe the soggy little snot, Abbott assured the "darlin' " dope that
if he makes "healthier choices" when it comes to the opposite sex, he'll find
lasting love with a lovely lass more worthy of him. The Hodges ho certainly doesn't fit
the bill.
Promising to visit the vapid vermin again soon, Jill told the toad to "take
care" and practically blew his nose and wiped the wimp's ass before she finally and
mercifully went on her way.
What the hell is a woman like Jill Abbott doing calling a common crumb like Guittierez
"darlin'?"
When has she ever given a flying fig about this fool? Is she making a play for this kid?
One would think Abbott would appreciate finally having a real, red blooded bloke like the
warrior Wartman warming her bed.
As for Raul, that whining weasel needs to focus on the positive.
For one thing, he can wiggle his stinky little piggies! Heck, if he so desires, Guittierez
can lift his corn covered foot right up to his nose, take a huge whiff, and even lick his
own toe jam!
It's high time for this twerp to get out of that damn bed and be grateful he can walk.
Unlike many other people who experience a spinal cord injury, the Guittierez goon will
never have to urinate through a catheter, be confined to a wheelchair, or require others
to feed, dress, and groom him.
Paraplegics and especially quadriplegics, who experience paralysis in all four limbs,
could give this young man a reality check about what it's like to be robbed of their
independence.
God willing, Guittierez will never spend the better part of a year in a rehab hospital
hours from his home and family while struggling to do something as simple as lifting an
arm to scratch an itch on his forehead.
As for his tragic breakup with Britt, no one forced the dope to ditch her.
If it doesn't bother the insulin boy to be with a reckless young woman who could have
killed or disabled him without uttering so much as an apology, that's his damn business.
Saying something along the lines of, "I never meant for this to happen" does not
mean one is contrite!
But Guittierez shouldn't try to make himself or others believe his almost fatal fondness
for Hodges is based on anything but loony lust.
The teen twosome have gone out on three dates tops, and have already hit the sheets twice!
Romeo and Juliet, they ain't.
But now that "little Raul" has made it through the car crash unscathed, he needs
a warm hole to call home.
If not for Hodges, Guittierez would be hard pressed to find another town pump desperate
and stupid enough to put out for a pipsqueak paralyzed from the neck up!
September
10, 2002
Hey, hey, I'm a moron!
by Molly
Media
I shall survive
and live on to drink much cheap wine and have even cheaper sex.
That sentiment should have been spinning around inside diabetic boy Raul Guittierez's head
Tuesday as the simpleton refused to accept spoiled brat Brittany's Hodges apology.
She
didn't kill anyone for Christ's sake! She only drank and then wrecked her car resulting in
Guittierez's persistent freak out that he might end up like BoreUs Collins. Can't a girl
make a mistake? Isn't there some way they can move on together?
"Don’t put your life on hold for us. I’m tired. I need to get some
rest," Guittierez gurgled in his own cute and sanctimonious and sort of sad and
inducing mildly intellectual nauseating way.
From his hospital bed, one that must reek with body odor, Guittierez sniveled how Hodges
will be leaving him soon to go on with her life and, sob, sniff, he'll be all alone in
this great big world with nobody to feel sorry for him.
Why doesn't somebody call in a psychologist for this poor inquiline? Teach the boy that in
life you have to take what life gives you and look to the future. So what if he might not
walk again? There are hundreds confined to wheelchairs. You don't hear Mrs. Collins
griping about it. Think of the advantages. People wheel you wherever you have to go, you
get to park in front of Safeway, the list is endless.
'C'mon Mr. Sugarbaby, you can do it. Be strong. No way is one seriously debilitating
injury going to derail you from becoming one of those guys you see slumped on a stool at
the local bar every night, all ruddy and beer-gutted and badly dressed and increasingly
impotent, with their baseball cap on backwards.
September 5,
2002
Fit as a fiddle!
by Brent
Kellogg
Get your fish
hook out of my blow hole!
Watching Raul Guittierez laying around in a Center 4 Disease hospital room feeling sorry
for himself would be more tolerable if only a few things were added to this funky display
of pessimism.
Looking more like Grand Central Station it's a wonder people the sick boy doesn't know
aren't stopping by to say hello. For the fiasco it has become the only things missing are
people crashed on the floor, watching movies and pigging out on pizza.
That new teen craze of hanging out for the sake of hanging out must be catching on in
Genoa City. Kids are so burdened with all kinds of stressors in their lives today.
With just ten days to go until she's off to bin Laden's school of terror for a remedial
course, Mac Browning stopped by the C4D Wednesday with tofu-free peanut butter cookies to
ask the goldbricking Guittierez how she can leave the city knowing that he's rotting in
his own urine.
The bed-ridden patient waved the faux concern off. Don't worry, he'll be fine. Don't give
it a second thought that he won't be able to go to college like his playmates. He'll be
happy undergoing "months of rehab" and taking wheelchair drivers Ed.
Forget too that the doctors have told the hypochondriac that the feeling in his legs has a
good chance of returning.
"I'd rather think the worse now than be disappointed later," the self-important
masturbatory jerk masquerading as a sensual adventure told Browning.
And like the evil she is Browning played Guittierez's game by blaming the drunken driver
responsible for his current condition.
Right on cue Brittany Hodges swung in gyrating like a rabid monkey on helium.
"What are you doing here?" Browning raged as if she alone gets to decide who
comes and who goes.
In the event Guittierez hadn't heard her the first two times, Hodges blathered on and on
how she never meant to hurt the poor boy and that, well, she now knows that she loves the
fool and gosh, she's never said that to a man before. Come to think of it she still hasn't
said it to a man.
The two female brats got into a snot-slinging fest which had to be broken up by the only
doctor in the universe who makes constant rounds.
Dr. Reese Walker, quack of all trades, tossed the babies out before touching the patient.
Can you feel this? Can you feel that?
Sniffing that he couldn't feel anything, Guittierez began grunting and moaning. From all
the commotion an onlooker might have thought the kid was giving birth. Then, after a final
thumping, almost inconceivably surreal carnival-esque orgasm, Guittierez wiggled a stinky
big toe and collapsed into an exhausted pile of dung.
It was a dumb move.
If the
moaning, dazed, oh-Jesus-do-I-need-a-shower Guittierez had any hope of collecting a
multi-million-dollar settlement from Hodge's parents he kissed it good-bye.
August 26, 2002
Sue the bastards!
by Molly
Media
"This
is not about money!"
Without a doubt those will be the words out of the mouth of the lawyer representing the
Guittierez family when legal action is brought soon against rich girl Brittany Hodges.
Hodges was charged last week with DUI after wrecking the automobile she was driving. A
passenger in the car at the time, Raul Guittierez, remains in uncertain condition at Genoa
City's Center 4 Disease.
In charge of the Guittierez case, Dr. Reese Walker reported Monday there is no prognosis
and that just because her patient has no feeling in his feet it is too early to say
whether Guittierez will become the first person ever to challenge BoreUs Collins in the
annual wheelchair race.
Guittierez is not one of the millions in this country without health insurance so every
medical test known to man will be run until a final diagnosis is made.
"This is temporary in most cases," Walker said while suggesting that until he
can walk again, Guittierez should, "hang in there."
"I don’t think I’ll ever walk again," a panicked Guittierez said.
And then, as if by some lighting bolt from the sky, it struck him. There is big money to
be made from those useless leg bones!
Already aware that the ambulance chasers would be out looking for deep pockets, Fred
Hodges, the drunk driver's rich daddy has made arrangements to see Harlan Whitney, one of
the best DUI lawyers in the state.
"I’m almost guaranteed he can fix this," Mr. Hodges said with a wide grin
as he tried convincing his apathy-stricken daughter that haste makes waste. But like most
rich kids who think money grows on trees, Miss Brittany couldn't be bothered with trivial
things.
"All you two can think about is how much money it’s going to cost," she
snickered totally unaware she could have just put herself on a cash only basis for further
visits to the Lodge brothel.
Sensing a need for immediate damage control, Mr. Hodges concluded it would be wise to
contact the Guittierez family thereby nipping a potentially expensive bank account dent in
the bud.
But it may be too late.
If Raul Guittierez is paralyzed he and his family should file a personal injury suit
against the parents of the girl who took his virginity. They might be surprised at what
one can get when one goes rattling in pocketbooks.
A suit against Hodges' parents could be just the beginning: The police are easy targets
for allowing Hodges to leave the scene of an accident, the restaurant that served the
alcohol, the car manufacturer, and any individual who directly contributed to Guittierez's
injury.
There are cynics who think lawsuits are about greed and right they are. Hodges must pay.
The question is: how much?
August
12, 2002
Home is where the sex is
by Michael
Kelly
Since they've
gone out on less than a handful of actual dates, recently deflowered diabetic Raul
Guittierez threw his socialite girlfriend Brittany Hodges for a loop here Monday when he
suddenly spoke of a neurotic need to be introduced to her folks!
While ambling around the Java Hut that's been his second home for over three years,
Guittierez, who will supposedly leave the Genoa City scene to attend Pemberton College in
Boston, simpered to Hodges, "I'm going to miss this place."
Practical Britt reminded her caffeine addicted beau that Boston has it's share of java
joints, but Raul whined that it "won't be the same" because this place, "is
like home."
The whining nitwit obviously won't major in history at Pemberton because he failed to
point out to the pampered princess that Boston is known far more for tea than coffee!
Their next topic of captivating conversation concerned their pals Billy Abbott and
Mackenzie Browning's idiotic intention to attempt a charitable carpentry caper on
Louisiana swamp land!
More intuitive than Miss Cleo, Hodges sensed that Browning's heart isn't in the ill
advised adventure. Furthermore, it's her belief that Abbott merely wants to take ferret
face away from everything and everyone else.
Completely out of left field, it suddenly dawned on the diabetic dweeb that he and Britt
should have a pow-wow with both sets of their parents to announce that they're "going
out."
Aware that his dream girl's globetrotting, corporate dynamo dad is briefly back in Genoa
City, Raul thought it would be prudent for the lovebirds to break bread with the blonde's
folks first.
Understandably, Hodges didn't turn a cartwheel upon hearing the insulin boy's insipid
suggestion.
But Guittierez maintained it was important for them to confess to their coupledom before
going away to separate colleges.
In an inane attempt to bolster his flimsy reasoning, or a misplaced stab at mirth,
rambling Raul made a solemn vow not to reprimand her apathetic parents for not attending
her stage debut in WGA's all too appropriately named production of Much Ado About Nothing!
After a few more saccharine sweet nothings were exchanged, Britt promised to see what she
could do about arranging a dinner date with mom and dad for tomorrow night. With that,
Hodges labeled her elated Latin lover boy "old fashioned," and the two teens
swapped spit.
Why on earth is it suddenly so important for the insulin idiot and the former skank to
meet each other's parents? Perhaps this is Guittierez's way of cementing his relationship
with Hodges before they attend different colleges.
Presuming Britt's parents are as unfeeling as she's always claimed, it's unlikely they'd
give a hoot and a half about their daughter dating a diabetic dolt they've never heard of
before.
Hodges describing the geekily overzealous Guittierez as "old fashioned" was
eerily accurate. One can easily imagine Raul expecting Frederick Hodges to ask him,
"Well, young man, what exactly are your intentions where my daughter is
concerned?"
No doubt, Raul would respond by saying, "Mr. Hodges, with your permission sir, it is
my intention to marry your daughter."
At that point, he'd get down on one knobby knee, propose to the flaxen haired maiden, and
insert an engagement bauble purchased from a gum ball machine into her turned up beak.
It's time for gooey-eyed Guittierez to cool his overheated romantic jets. Ever since she
spread her legs for him, the recently laid loon has put the former teen trollop on a
pedestal and won't allow her room to breathe.
There's nothing manly about the way this weasel is whimpering over Hodges like a lost
puppy. It's no wonder the cash strapped stooge is considering flying from his college to
hers every weekend. Talk about a clinging vine!
Women like Hodges, who are used to one-night relationships of the Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma'am
variety, don't like to be worshipped or suffocated.
Now that his vile virginity's a cross he no longer has to bear, Raul not quite so surly,
and his skin is clear as a bell. Not a single zit or razor bump resides on his face! But
if he keeps treating the increasingly reticent Britt as his bride to be, he'll end up
braying at the moon like his buddy Abbott and nemesis J.T. Hellstrom.
July 25,
2002
Sex in the brothel
by Lois
Hill
Quietly, maybe too quietly, local high school students Brittany Hodges and Raul Guittierez
were allowed by Lodge restaurant management Thursday to slip into the firms upstairs
brothel without working up a sweat.
Maintaining a blind eye and a low profile, a restaurant employee didn't blink when Hodges
presented her parents credit card to pay for the mini-whore house boudoir.
The low-key employee bought the story that the semen-stained room was being rented by
Hodges for her parents who - it was learned - are frequent flyers at the brothel.
Like peep-show slugs who have no morals, the employee's only concern was the almighty
dollar. So what if the customer looked like she was thirteen? Her story about parents
patronizing the brothel for "romantic interludes" was good enough.
Acting like the kids they are smoking their first cigarette out behind the barn, Hodges
and Raul Guittierez had trouble keeping their hearts from beating holes in their chests.
As they got over the initial cheap thrill, Hodges and Guittierez took in the flea-infested
wonderment before calling room service to order the standard sexual fruits of lust.
Strawberries and whipped cream were soon delivered and charged to Hodges credit card.
After presenting his puppy-love school girl with a locket containing his and her photos,
Guittierez apparently had the forethought to pull a condom out of his wallet. Had he
forgotten to pack one he could have found plenty of used ones under the bed.
Guittierez got what he wanted and Hodges carved another notch in her bra strap.
Sex in the city is one thing. But sex in a brothel over a fancy restaurant that rents
sleaze rooms by the hour to high school kids is a severe stretch of even the most vivid
imagination.
On the other hand, if Guittierez enjoys being spanked, and Hodges is rumored to have slept
with the mother of one of his ex-girlfriends, that might make the sexual encounter a bit
more believable.
July 11, 2002
Teen used
protection
Local Jabot
Cosmetics Glow Worm Raul Guittierez admitted Wednesday he wasn't dumb enough to have sex
for the first time with a girl thought to be a walking STD epidemic.
"We
used protection," Guittierez said without giving specifics.
June 27, 2002
Deflowered Diabetic has unsafe sex!
by Michael
Kelly
Blissfully wallowing in a state of "after glow" following their Tainted Town
Lake tryst, WGA seniors and Glow Worms Raul Guittierez and Brittany Hodges were too hot
for each other to remember that their night of hot sex had gone unprotected!
Hodges awoke bright and early with only two blankets protecting her naked body from the
hard, dew covered ground. She briefly panicked thinking that the insulin boy, like so many
others before him, had humped her and run.
She was greatly relieved indeed to see Raul emerge from nowhere carrying two big twigs
with a goofy grin on his face. The deflowered diabetic wanted to rustle up some grub for
his woman.
When Hodges asked how he'd pull off the culinary caper, Guittierez boasted, "Hey,
hey, hey! I was a Boy Scout. Our motto was, 'Be prepared.' "
Be prepared? Tell that to Raul's small sausage, which entered Hodges while completely
unwrapped.
As for the food, the wannabe Emeril Lagasse would use the two twigs to make a fire.
Fortunately, there was plenty of slaughtered hog left over from Hodges' picnic basket for
them to graze on. The Glow geek even "borrowed" a frying pan from a nearby,
deserted "fishing cabin" to turn Miss Piggy a golden brown.
Actually, Guittierez was a damn liar. He had purloined the pan from the humble hovel of Ma
and Pa Rube, who were in their bedroom sawing logs at the time of the theft. The elderly
couple were sleeping off a night of fornication of their own that would put the two
minutes of pleasure the teens experienced to shame.
Hodges oohed and aahed over what her man had done with that hot pork. It was the yummiest
gastronomical delight she'd ever had.
When the uptown girl deigned to offer to "clean up" the mess of their forest
feast, Raul wouldn't hear of it. Like a pallid, poor diabetic boy's Tarzan, Guittierez
grunted, "Man eat. Woman look beautiful."
Britt deserved a medal for not guffawing in the fool's face. If the pansy had started
banging on his puny chest, wheezed out an anemic attempt at the patented Tarzan yell, or
tried swinging on a vine from tree to tree, Jane and Cheetah the chimp would surely have
laughed their asses off. The most famous film Tarzan, Johnny Weismuller, could have beaten
a runt like Raul to a bloody pulp in two seconds flat!
After lounging around for a while, Britt began to get bored. She nearly flipped the bird
at Raul when he had the nerve to suggest they bird watch!
Guittierez really pressed his luck when he asked if Hodges had ever been a Girl Scout.
Hell no, schmo!
The pampered princess snorted, "Where would I plug in my hair dryer?"
Secretly yearning for more nookie, Raul patronizingly praised her by blabbering,
"You're not as high maintenance as you pretend to be."
No doubt. Not every woman would "rough it" by spreading her legs for a virgin
boy in the middle of nowhere. Little did the young lovers know that the corner of the
blanket they screwed on had been "christened" during the night by a squirrel who
had taken a massive dump.
Typically, the two had to massage each other's fragile ego by assuring one another how
absolutely fabulous they thought the sex was.
Raul rhapsodized that, "It was beyond anything I could have imagined. And I imagined
it a lot!"
Hodges, trotting out a line she's uttered a 1,000 times, bubbled, "With you, it seems
like my first time!"
With that, the two played torrid tonsil hockey.
Barf! At least Guittierez had told the truth. He had to spank his monkey more than any man
ever has to deal with his sexual frustration at being eternally denied entry to the furry
gates of fun.
The good earth underneath may have moved for them both, but there's no excuse for these
two not to have used birth control. Lack of experience on the insulin boy's part is no
excuse. He's old enough to know better. For his stupidity, sex with the prolific Britt
could be the gift that keeps on giving to Guittierez in the form of crabs or who knows
what else.
As for Hodges, she's been in more beds than Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss and Elizabeth
Taylor combined. She's not at risk for an STD from Guittierez, who was purer than Ivory
soap, but what about pregnancy?
If Hodges did get knocked up last night, she and ragin' Raul had better not go for an
after screw skinny dip in Tainted Town Lake. With all the toxic substances floating in
there, Guittierez's penis would fall off, and Britt's baby would be born with serious
birth defects. After their reckless night of whoopee, perhaps the tawdry teens would get
what they deserve.
June 3, 2002
Virgin
Diabetic Desperate for SEX!
by
Michael Kelly
After a painfully bitter break-up with pseudo girlfriend and fellow Walnut
Grove Academy three-time senior Brittany Hodges, diabetic boy Raul Guittierez whined to
best buddy Billy Abbott here on Monday that there isn't a girl alive that could bear the
thought of fornicating with him!
Abbott and his ferret faced former girlfriend Mackenzie Browning noticed Hodges and
Guittierez arguing in the corridor of WGA. After Britt stalked away in a snit, Billy went
over to Raul to get the lowdown on the showdown.
Glum and snarky at the same time, Raul confided to Abbott that Hodges thinks he's nothing
but a horny toad that wants to get her rack in the sack. If that's what the rich bitch
thinks, she can rot in hell. Their relationship is kaput. All that's left for Britt to do
is obtain a refund on the stinking prom tickets.
Billy boy was shocked that Hodges wasn't the same wanton sex machine that he remembered
her to be when they were an item. Ironically, Guittierez took offense to his friend
besmirching Britt's reputation. Hodges isn't the same slut puppy that Abbott and countless
other young men remember her to be. Furthermore, he never pressured her to put out.
But Raul wondered why Britt and every other girl is seemingly repulsed by the idea of
being with him in every way.
"Maybe it's me. No one can actually stand the thought of doing it with good ole
Raul," Guittierez groaned. Obviously, an inferiority complex had invaded his psyche.
Trying to be supportive of his pitiful pal, Abbott assured him that his day would come!
Only in Genoa City would one teenage male openly admit his virginity to a friend. Only in
Genoa City would the peer hearing this news react as Abbott did.
Most guys would have howled hysterically and said something like, "Man, you've got to
be kidding! You couldn't get any from Hodges? Britt's been banged by every guy in school.
I used to screw her 3 times in one night. She'd always end up screaming my name and
begging for more. A couple of times I had to peel her off the ceiling."
When Browning ran into Hodges, Britt wasted no time giving her former adversary the scoop.
"Yes, we broke up. No, we're not going to the prom. So the coast is clear. You can
wear matching scout uniforms."
The rich bitch's tirade is positively perplexing because she went on to claim that Raul
only wanted to get her in bed. One minute, he's Dudley Do-Right, the next she portrays him
as a panting, predatory crazed sex fiend. Clearly, Britt needs to get her story straight.
As for Guittierez, it must be discouraging in the extreme to know that young women like
Browning, Hodges, and Rianna Miner have all shot him down. Making matters worse, Britt
thought nothing of hitting the sheets with the insulin boy's best friend. To say nothing
of the fact that Abbott is a rubber faced, stammering, zit covered geek.
So what's wrong with Raul? It's doubtful that his inability to score with the chicks has
anything to do with his resemblance to Eddie Munster.
Maybe he simply needs to chill out. Guittierez is not a eunuch and is still a very young
man. There's plenty of time to sow his wild oats. Gossip queen Leanna "Love"
Randolph was well into her 20's before losing her virginity to Victor Newman on their
"wedding" night.
Of course, it's far more acceptable for young women Raul's age to remain chaste. A real
man is expected to bed down with everyone in a skirt by the time he has a driver's
license.
Guittierez would do well to ignore the sexually obsessive and irresponsible hijinks that
abound in Genoa City. STD's are rare in this carnally crazed hamlet but men dealing with
unplanned and unwanted fatherhood are not. Just ask private investigator Paul
"Clueless" Williams.
Sex is most fulfilling when it's shared by responsible adults who are in love. No doubt
Abbott is right. Raul's day will come. In the meantime, there's always "Madame
Palm."
May 22,
2002
WGA student
confirms different worlds exist!
College-bound
Walnut Grove Academy student Raul Guittierez has confirmed the existence of two different
worlds. On Guittierez's world people say what they mean and on the other world people mean
what they say. "I know we’re from two different worlds," Guittierez said
Wednesday during a conversation with classmate Brittany Hodges
May 21, 2002
Human laxatives
By Brent Kellogg
What motivates such shocking cruelty? Walnut Grove Academy student Brittany Hodges has
been in a snit ever since her parents failed to appear at the school play Much Ado About
Nothing. The shop-lifting teen refused to go home that sorrowful night or travel to one of
Genoa City's many lovers lakes where playmate Raul Guittierez had hoped to sex her up.
Busy earning a living, the Hodges couldn't attend the play but were nice
enough to send flowers. Like two week old milk left sitting in the sun, their daughter
couldn't bring herself to appreciate that her parents had at least thought about her. Many
kids aren't so lucky.
The little weasel bitched that sending flowers wasn't good enough. It
wasn't the same as their coming backstage to mingle with other overly elated parents. Ms.
Hodges didn't think that perhaps her parents had seen or heard about what an atrocious
play Much Ado is and couldn't bring themselves to suffer as a bunch of teenagers flubbed
their lines and each other.
The link between Hodges acts of ungratefulness and the progression of
hatred against other humans was further rattled Tuesday when Guittierez let it be known he
has taken on the challenge of helping Hodges "get past this."
Why should anyone have to help a high school student get past what amounts
to nothing more than a temper tantrum? If Hodges becomes constipated will Guittierez shove
an enema tube up her ass too?
Guittierez himself showed Tuesday that he is also in need of getting past
the simple things in life. Upon learning his fornicating brother might not be in
attendance at his graduation, Guittierez nearly threw a fit. Whaaaa! I want my brother.
You promised!
Cry babies like Hodges and Guittierez need to be spanked. Acting like a
human laxative is unbecoming.
April
29, 2002
Tuition only
Walnut
Grove Academy student Raul Guittierez was all aglow last week when he received a
scholarship to a prestigious college. But when the glow boy discovered the grant will only
cover tuition he looked the gift horse in the mouth and then bitched about it.
"I’ll need books, room and board and travel expenses. I’ll need
all I saved and more."
Poor baby. Instead of whining Guittierez should be thanking his lucky stars. In a
country where "no child is left behind" millions of students will never see the
inside of a college.
High school underachiever Raul Guittierez shocked no one in Genoa City more than
himself when he received a full scholarship to Pembleton College on Thursday.
Many of his peers at the Walnut Grove School For All Ages and Grades are perplexed as to
the kind of scholarship the diabetic boy could have bagged. After all, for much of the
last year, Guittierez thumbed his nose at all things scholastic.
The Glow geek believed he'd have no trouble finding employment as a carpenter, but
Guittierez has done nothing with his idle hands but paint chairs for the school play and
inject himself into a diabetic coma. Would this kid be safe with a hammer and nails?
There's always the slight possibility that the insolent insulin boy received an athletic
scholarship, but in what sport? The pipsqueak doesn't have the muscle for football or the
height for basketball.
Since his brother Diego is a stable boy, perhaps Guittierez has gotten a horse jockey
scholarship! Once centurion faced Grace Turner gallops back into Genoa City, Raul could
ride Turner right into the winner's circle of the Kentucky Derby.
March 27, 2002
College rejects diabetic!
by Michael
Kelly
The Genoa City News has learned that local Internet star and high school underachiever
Raul Guittierez will soon receive a "Dear Raul" type rejection slip via snail
mail from an Institute Of Higher Learning. Sources tell GCN that the college in question
is Harvard, but that is unconfirmed at this time.
For the longest time, Ragin' Raul was a rebel without a clue. He bristled at the very
suggestion of higher education. He would bark at his friends, brother, and anyone else who
would listen that he didn't need a stinking college degree. For the longest time, he
seemed incapable of writing a simple essay that would inform a prospective college of what
he's made of academically and socially. Guittierez could have written about his Internet
stardom or how he bravely cheated death by coming out of a diabetic coma. He chose to do
neither.
In a half hearted effort, the fool finally fished his foul smelling attempt at essay
writing out of a high school waste basket and submitted the damn document. Its contents
are unknown, but his fellow "Glow Worm" and pseudo girlfriend, Brittany Hodges
claimed that the insolent insulin boy could do much better. That sentiment is highly
questionable. This is the same Raul Guittierez who failed to detect the smell of pot when
a freshly stoned teen was directly under his nose. Guittierez also gave himself two
insulin shots in the span of a few minutes. This excess of insulin caused Guittierez to
fly into a rage and go into shock at the Newman coffee shop by day, club for all ages by
night. He very nearly killed himself.
Considering his highly erratic nature, lack of ambition, and failure to monitor his own
heath, perhaps Guittierez belongs at some sort of trade school. It's highly unlikely that
any ivy covered institute of higher learning would be interested in having the dim witted,
unstable Guittierez as a student.
March 18, 2002
Jargon grates on last nerve
Listening to Russell Yates after his wife was sentenced to life in prison had to have
caused the intellectual crowd to cringe as over and over Yates said, "You know"
without putting the words in the form of a question. Thankfully, Yates didn't say,
"You know what I'm saying?"
On the other hand, during a preliminary hearing, Brenda van Dam repeatedly answered
questions in the form of a question. "Before I knew it, it was total chaos?"
Fortunately, hackneyed, annoying clichés like "you know" are not currently in
use by the insipid, seemingly uneducated people in Genoa City.
That's the good news.
The bad news is that tired clichés like "what are you doing here?", "how
long have you been standing there?", "I've moved on," and "I've got to
get past this," still drip from their lips.
And now "we come from different worlds" is making a comeback along with
"I'll always be here for you."
The Genoa City News has previously pointed out that for all the times anyone claims to
have moved on, those making the statement never get anywhere. In many cases the persons
don't move on at all. They move back!
This week Raul Guittierez, a high school student struggling to finish his senior year
and whose first name has yet to be pronounced correctly by those who know him, promised
the girl most likely to win this year's unsanctioned ugly face contest, that he would
"always be here for you."
Guittierez may have meant well but the fact of the matter is; what he promised is a
near impossibility. Unless, like his pal Billy Abbott, Guittierez plans to repeat his
senior year and Mac Browning does the same and/or they both go off to the same college,
Guittierez can't always be anywhere for anyone.
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