December 27, 2002

Don't go breaking my heart
by Brent Kellogg

December 18, 2002

Local brothel to host Christmas bash!
by Michael Kelly

December 18, 2002

The pods who stole Christmas
by Brent Kellogg

And knowing that Victor's ego won't let him be nice and kind and humble at this special time of the year, Victoria will opt instead to shower the poor, kicked in the gonads once fondled by her sister-in-law, Diego Guittierez with holiday cheer and expensive gifts at some cheap motel.

For the fourth or fifth or three millionth time the Newman family tradition will be shattered and small babies and grown ones alike will sob and sneer how terrible it is that just once the tight-knit Newman family can't be together.

This year will be not be much different then the Christmas of 2001 which was marred by Victoria's depression over the death of her nearly married to again former husband and Nikki Newman's unexpected trip to Colorado to be with her ailing sister and subsequently diverting to Italy to see the wicked Diane Jenkins when she knew the family was waiting at home for her to celebrate Christmas.

Also ruining the Newman Christmas last year was the down in the mouth Sharon Newman who, while flying half-way around the world with her father-in-law, husband and children to spread Christmas cheer and Newman money in places like Samoa, couldn't snap out of the funk of having lost a baby thought to have been spawned by Satan's helper, Matt Clark. Even after learning Clark hadn't planted his seed in her Sharon couldn't be happy and thus cast a dark cloud over the already gloomy Newman spirits.

Victor Newman himself has abandoned the family at Christmas in previous years choosing instead to go on solo journeys in search of himself or shacking up with blind women from Kansas. And now Victor is scratching his head and wondering where things went so wrong.

Oops, there's Satan calling again. Sounds pissed. Gotta run. 

December 6, 2002

Forever disillusioned
by Lois Hill

Gazing at the likeness of his darling first born daughter Victor fought back the tears and the urge to emulate his recycled wife by sitting at the piano and tapping a few keys not once asking why he shelled out good money for an instrument not a single family member know how to play.

Looking around at the dinner plates on the wall Victor's thoughts were interrupted when his one real semi-constant possession entered the room to ask if he'd like an omelet.

Nikki Newman had no intention of dragging her ass into the kitchen and actually cooking. She'd have the slave do it. But Victor passed. His tummy was in knots and Nikki could tell Victor wasn't himself. She surmised that what Victor needed was another round of endless rehash about their ungrateful daughter.

It was as if Nikki hadn't heard a word about what had happened the previous evening. She wanted to hear it again and again and again.

And Victor was eager to whine about everything that doesn't gibe with rich whitebread Americana doctrines of money and power and fear of anyone who makes less than six figures. His demonic daughter is upset with him and oh lord you should have, sob, seen the hard look in her bleary eyes and sob, heard the ugly things she said.

Is there no justice in the World? Will Victor's baby girl ever forgive him like the last time they went through this asinine misadventure into the absurd?

It is indeed a bizarre and freakish pattern they go though at least once each year but Nikki was up for playing the concerned dedicated wife. Their daughter was so tired from all that looking for the man Victor calls scum and spent a whooping two days searching and given time will realize the error of her ways.

Peering into his crystal ball Victor knew better. This time would be different. And woe is he, Victor remembers when his daughter was just a babe pooping in her diapers. Oh how he wanted to protect her and be her knight in shining armor and shove gold spoons down her throat.

Now, Victoria Newman is all grown up and quite the bitch. The gap between father and daughter is so large Evil Knievel can't jump it. Victoria doesn't want to see her daddy or speak to him ever again and, oh god, I'm going to puke all over the expensive carpet. Just kill me why don't you?

"We know from experience how hard it can be to keep a family together," Nikki spewed content in the knowledge that they are Newmans and God himself cannot dump this entire family into a cement grave and seal it shut for a million years.

"But here we are together again," Nikki mused and assured Victor that regardless of how often he kicks her in the ass he can always count on her to be forever disillusioned.

November 19, 2002

Did you get that?
by Brent Kellogg

October 29, 2002

The coward of the county
by Lois Hill

Whenever the great Victor Newman, Genoa City's most powerful man, is confronted with a problem the only thing he knows to do is throw money at it and hope the problem goes away.

That was again the case Tuesday when Newman managed to track down the wingless blood-sucking parasitic insect motel where his estranged, for the fifth or six or eighteenth time, daughter is hold up with the scum she's fallen in love.

"How did you find me?" flea-bitten Diego Guittierez erupted when Newman sashayed into the room.

Newman should have said "the same way you found out I wasn't at the ranch and you made the one hour drive each way to tell my recycled wife that you've fallen in love with my daughter and when she didn't agree to put in a good word for you threatened her."

But the mustache had more important matters on his mind.

Noting that he's looked into Guittierez's shady background and discovered that the Newman women cowpoke has been a "vagabond" living one day to the next for most of his life, Newman whipped out an envelope containing a wad of 100-dollar bills.

For a grand total of one-hundred-thousand dollars Newman wanted Guittierez gone by sundown.

The recession must be taking a toll on the Newman Empire cash flow as the last time he tried paying off one of his daughter's boyfriends the offer was one million.

Not one to jump at a fistful of dollars, Guittierez slid into nobility mode.

"I won't exchange love for money," he spurt all good and nice and appropriate and whatever except for the part about love which was nothing more than generally further aligning himself with the minions of Satan.

The do-gooder babble didn't fool Newman. He knew how to hit self-centered spawn of the Me generation where it hurt. Think about those hard working parents. The ones Guittierez has never done much for. Use some of the money to give them a vacation or stash it away for their golden years.

Guittierez wasn't moved. He was sticking to his love story because this is the style, all over-the-top self-reference and everything, every word, all first-person diatribe centered on his own persecution, his issues, his demons. That time his mother cut him with a butter knife.

Without waiting for Guittierez to get to the scene in the bunkhouse shower stall where he realized for the first time that women were better for sex and could better appreciate smooth rippling abs and butterfly tattoos, Newman got to the point.

"I don’t want you anywhere near my daughter," he belched and then, as the grandiloquent, overblown with their own importance always do in confrontations like this, tossed out the old get out of town or be very, very sorry and prepare to have your life made into a living hell warning.

With a little research Guittierez can find out that Newman is nothing but a big gas bag. Always issuing empty threats but never able to back them up. The coward of the county.

Nick Newman isn't man enough so somebody had to do it. Kicking Diego Guittierez's ass was long overdue.

In as much as he had already stuck his nose into the affairs of his adult children in diapers, Victor Newman's action Tuesday wasn't based on flimsy justifications. Guittierez took advantage of a virtually brain dead woman when he porked Sharon Newman and then humped another of the Newman mares when he found out that Mrs. Newman, his employer, wasn't going to keep her mouth shut about it.

Only moments earlier Guittierez had strapped Victoria Newman on for yet another run for the roses and now stood before the great man with a manure-eating grin on his face.

"What a conniving snake you are," old man Newman spat at the Texas bunkhouse butt buddy when he confronted Guittierez inside the Newman tacky room.

"I want you out of here," Newman seethed before tacking on his signature slogan, "You got that?"

In an effort to protect what little human dignity he has, Guittierez tried reasoning with the old fart. He wasn't taking advantage of anyone. He's in love. Doesn't that let him off the hook? Doesn't it absolve him of his dastardly deeds? Shouldn't it be forgotten that he knew Sharon was a married woman when he so wantonly screwed her in a licentious and promiscuous manner?

Not in Victor Newman's book.

"You had sex with my son’s wife," is all Newman knew and told Guittierez again to get out of his sight.

When the stable stud didn't jump or ask how high when he was told to git, Newman hauled off and kicked him in the testicles. It was a dirty maneuver. But old men like Newman have to seize the vantage points in situations like this. Besides, a good kick in the groin might teach Guittierez to keep his pecker in his pants for awhile.

In sheer agony, the cowpoke writhed in pain as Newman twisted his arm behind his back maneuvering him into a choke hold. "I want you out of here. Do you understand me?" Newman asked making low-level animal-like noises indicative of a man on the brink of lung collapse from wrestling a man three times his junior.

It would have been thrilling to watch Newman give the saddle sore a good swift kick in the ass as a final send off and he might have had it not been for the arrival of Newman's daughter providing Guittierez with a skirt to crawl under.

Belly aching how much in love she is, Victoria Newman ordered her daddy to let the human vibrator go, that she was going with Guittierez and not to stop her.

Drooling into a cup and spasming should have been Victor's reaction. You wanna spend your life with a nobody from the migrant farm workers camp? Fine. But hear this. Once you leave this property you don't come back and you don't call me in a few weeks bawling that things didn't work out and you need money.

You got that?

Let's get this straight you mangy rodent. You had sex with a man, an employee no less, you had only known for a few days because you thought - you thought - that your husband was having sex with another woman?

Well, that's perfectly okay Sharon Newman. You won't hear any fierce denunciations from the greatest impregnator of women in Genoa City. In fact, Victor Newman seemed to take the details of his daughter-in-law's "horrible mistake" in stride Thursday as she puked concerns that her husband will never forgive her and that all she wants is to "get back on track."

She pleaded ignorance on the premise that the great man had promised not to be angry with her or hate her and that keeping the dirty little secret bottled up would only further destabilize her already fragile mental state.

Rarely in the history of the Genoa City affluent has a member so bluntly identified the hypocrisy as nothing more than having strayed "once" and that it really wasn't a big deal because she cares so much about her family.

Admitting that what she did was "unforgivable", Sharon begged for forgiveness. Now that the entire Newman family is suffering for her ignorance, she's so sorry. And, in a rare instance, the truth spewed from her filthy mouth when she confessed, "All I care about is getting my family back."

In a remarkable outpouring of compassion for the contemptible wretch who should be bashed in the skull with a brick, Mr. Newman was fully understanding. Hell, what's a little fornicating among family members and employees? Newman even promised his unrelenting support to smooth things out with victim of Sharon's horror as a way to contain her miserable and enormous inferiority complex.

The newly bellicose mood that permeates Mr. Newman is unfortunate, all the more so because it is clearly motivated by some sick family value that says we Newman's are blood and consider adultery nothing more than a stupid and embarrassing prank.

Tragically divorced from the severity of what his daughter-in-law has done, Newman seems as though he'd copulate with the devil Himself and maybe a few dozen demons just for kicks, despite not really knowing how, not really addressing the sex issue at all, if it would take away Sharon's pain.

Each day now, someone in Genoa City says something even more incredible – even more unimaginable.

When diabetic teenager Raul Guittierez and shoplifter in remission Brittany Hodges began discussing in March how members of their families and acquaintances had "come from different worlds," the scraping of fingernails on the blackboard could be heard for miles around. Please Lord, let there not be another outbreak of different world syndrome.

"We're from two different worlds," Hodges said of her never seen brother and that, it was hoped, was the end of the most often used and abused phrase of the middle 90's.

It was seven years ago when the great Victor Newman and Hope 'Hopeless' Adams coined the tired phrase. In 1995 as Adams was preparing to leave Genoa City for Kansas with their son she told Newman, "You're such a rare person. I'll always love you but we come from two different worlds. You've done so much for me but I'm not going with you. I want to raise our son in my world."

During the many weeks Newman helped Adams mend fence, slop pigs and feed the chickens they frequently took time out to remind each other how indeed they came from different worlds.

The man who really loved Adams said it too. Cliff Wilson was convinced the blind bat was an "incredible" woman and confirmed that she and Newman, "come from two different worlds."

At a redneck Kansas diner on Monday and without all the bawling and snot dripping from her nose, over her top lip and into her mouth, Adams couldn't help but beat the dead horse again.

"I did try live in your world. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I wouldn’t change a thing in my life but I sometimes wonder what our lives would have been like with a few changes," she spewed.

In all these years not a single soul - not even the people doing it - has been able to understand why these people seem to get off on these wonderful lectures about the bad old days. Hopeless' short life with Newman was a disaster. She was rarely happy and those who want to remember cannot recall ever seeing her smile.

There is an unshakable belief that if only the hands of time could be turned back all the women in Newman's life would become like little Alice in Wonderland.

Ashley Abbott Carlton is a prime example. Like Adams, Carlton told Newman just a few days ago that she wonders what life might have been like living with Newman when she knew damn well that it was hell on earth. When Newman got her pregnant and then dumped her for Nikki Reed in 1986, Carlton got an abortion. How could any woman forget such a tragedy?

As Newman wraps up his "quest" the big question remains: What was the point?

If his zealous onslaught was determined to whip up his harem over something, anything — just so long as it's the same thing, it appears to have failed. One only woman, jumping bean babe Ramona Caceres, showed any interest in the old fart.

Newman's journey was the "big duh" and nothing more than women fretting over what might have been. His desire to hold on to these lives a little longer in order to exercise compassion in the present tense — I.E.: Nikki Newman — only proved that history should whisk these women away forever. The topic's failure to buzz, despite urgent exposure on the non-rated Leanna Love cable show, might be owing to the fact that it had all been heard years ago.

In an uncommon display of common sense, Genoa City's most powerful man, Victor Newman has decided not to testify on behalf of Jabot Cosmetics CEO Jack Abbott against sperm thief Diane Jenkins in the Baby K custody clash.

The fact that Newman made a point of coming to court only to inform his enemy that he wouldn't cooperate stuck in Jack Abbott's craw. The middle aged baby freak should have known better than to count on Mr. Tall, Dark, and Ruthless for anything.

Vic tried to convince Jacko that his decision to stay out of the parental tug of love had nothing to do with his animosity for Abbott. After having heard impassioned pleas from both sides, Judge Newman ruled it was best to remain neutral. His only concern was the welfare of the child. Newman believed that Jenkins was a "damn good mother" who dearly loved her child. Since the indomitable industrialist has never met Baby K, it's highly questionable how he could ascertain how the boy has been mothered.

Jack tried in vain to exploit Diane's past as a thief of Newman's swimmers to convince the great man to reverse his decision. Victor wasted no time reminding his longtime adversary that Abbott had done more than his share over the years to land on Newman's dung heap list.

Predictably, the Jabot CEO started to pout and snort when he didn't get his way. Once the overgrown brat had left the conference room to return to court, his sister Ashley informed Vic that she feared how the custody case would negatively impact Jacko's marriage to the barren Phyllis. Victor expressed concern that taking Baby K from Jenkins could destroy the child's life.

While Newman's decision on this matter was undeniably the right one, it's fascinating to reflect on how it was reached. Does he really believe Jenkins to be model maternal material, or was this one more chance for him to grab Abbott by the short hairs?

Perhaps Mr. Mumbles realizes there's plenty of blame in the sordid sperm saga to go around. After all, if his former wife Nikki hadn't hired a shady gumshoe to swap Newman's sperm with Abbott's, the there would be a Baby V as in Vic to wrangle over.

While his relief at avoiding the fate Abbott is in must be considerable, Newman knows that Nikki's just as vile as Jenkins. How could he expect sympathy in court for having his swimmers stolen when his former wife broke the law, played God, and upended so many lives? If anyone should be in court to explain their appalling actions, it's Nikki Newman.

Drunk with power, Genoa City's most powerful and aging man summoned one of his former wives to the Newman penthouse this week to plead for redemption.

Traveling who knows how far from an undisclosed location, Leanna Love did as she was told arriving at Victor Newman's home away from home on schedule. So focused was Love she didn't spot Newman's nosey daughter lurking near the elevator.

Awed at being in his presence Love hinted she does as Newman instructs because she's always interested in his ulterior motives.

"It’s sort of like finding the answer to Sphinx's riddle," Love remarked before Newman asked if they could speak "off the record." Apparently, Newman felt that any discussion might be fodder for a new book, one of Love's random cable gossip reports or whatever she does now for a living.

Granted anonymity, Newman explained that as the days have worn his skin down to rubber and after all the years since his farce of a marriage to Love, he thinks he went too far with her.

"I want to patch things up so we get past this and move on with our lives," Newman spewed like a man in danger of losing his mind.

What is there to patch up? Was Love to believe that Newman didn't get over her the moment their marriage ended? Has Newman only been pretending to have moved on after all the years?

Love too was suffering from delirium.

"I came into our marriage whole. You took something way from me," she hissed.

In fact, it wasn't that Newman took something away from her. She was the one who refused to consummate the marriage. Either she couldn't or wouldn't recall what really happened during the shortest marriage in Genoa City history.

"I’ll never forgive you. Any little thing I can do to make your life miserable is pay back for that," Love sniped until Newman's patience had run out.

"Now I know why I despise you," Newman growled telling Love to get out or he would call security.

Clearly, Newman is moribund and losing touch with reality. The man is so ludicrous as he goes to more and more demented extremes. That Newman needs to settle down with that ultra-sensitive old cow became more apparent Tuesday when Nikki Newman called to ask if he wanted to discuss their plans for the evening.

What was there to discuss? Were they planning to invade Iraq?

The great Victor Newman is reportedly reflecting upon his life after returning to Genoa City from a mission during which he saved a former wife's company from a hostile takeover. It was a time filled with mixed emotions and now Newman appears to be confused, scared, hurt, hopeful and holding on tightly to what he has.

Has the time come for Newman to retire? Is it possible that a power driven man can divide himself from his work and lay his dependence upon a healthy pension? It's hard to fathom that the day could be coming when Newman will turn the reins of his empire over to a brain damaged son.

It would seem that Newman's reflection has come about because Julia Martin brought him face to face with his sinful pride, selfishness and arrogance. In light of all that Martin showed Newman about himself he seemed Friday to be seeing himself in a new perspective. He may have come to realize that being worshipped and taking things for granted is shameful.

Now, full of new energy and having seen what a miserable human being he is, Newman may be at a point where he's ready to break out a rocking chair and watch the world go by without him. At the extreme, Newman might even take up Bible study! Heaven forbid.

If Newman is serious about starting a new life he'll have to make a clean break. Taking up with former wives is out. Sticking his nose into the business when his son drives it into the ground with poor management is off limits.

Free to manipulate the world revolving around him, Newman will have to learn what it's like to submit, to be obedient and to have humility. He'll struggle most with giving up the very passionate deep intimacy he has with the women in his harem.

So here Victor Newman is, thinking about the past, present and future. Will he be the first person in Genoa City to literally "move on"?

March 6, 2002
Newman barks, Hollister crumbles!
(Lake Forest) - Business leaders around the globe know better than to mess with the great Victor Newman. What Newman wants - Newman gets and there is never any negotiation.

Lake Forest entrepreneur Max Hollister got a taste of Newman's venom here Wednesday and although he did balk slightly at first, Hollister crumbled like an Afghanistan cave hit by a bunker buster.

Determined to save Julia Martin's company from a hostile takeover, Newman had Hollister summoned to Martin's office and Hollister appeared on demand. Newman got right to the point. Hollister is trying to take away something his former wife loves dearly and he won't stand for it. That said, Newman ordered Hollister to sell every share of stock he holds in his wife's company.

When an angry Hollister refused Newman began grunting. He told Hollister that trying to absorb Martin's company was merely an effort to eliminate the competition. Failure to sign on the dotted line would result in Newman setting up a new division at Newman Enterprises which would go into direct competition with Hollister and Mrs. Martin would be at the helm.

"We will focus on putting your firm out of business," Newman growled.

The snicker on Newman's face told Hollister to give it up. Greater men have gone up against Newman and paid the ultimate sacrifice.

"Believe me. You will be out of business," Newman reiterated prompting Hollister to capitulate.

When all was said and done, Mrs. Martin got on her knees and praised the knight in shining armor. "You were amazing," she groveled.

The smirk still on his face, Newman didn't have to be told what he already knows.

March 3, 2002
The dominator
A banner headline splashed across the newspapers: "Hostile Takeover Threatens Design Firm". The politics of personal destruction loomed again. It was a job for Victor Newman.

With a newly purchased diamond ring bulging in his pants pocket, a befuddled Newman sped to Lake Forest where his former wife, Julia Newman Martin, has lived for a number of years without so much as a telephone call between them to ask how the weather is.

Leading the charge, Martin began boiling a bucket of hot air. Having worked for a short time in Paris operating a boutique, she had returned to America, married Alan Martin, had a daughter and started a business with her high end cabinetry maker husband who later died in a car accident.

Although she loved Martin, the former Mrs. Newman was pleased to recall for the Black Knight her most memorable moment. That one Christmas when Newman called her his "Madonna. His love. His shining star."

After splattering the butter, Mrs. Martin got to the point. She's facing a crisis named Maxwell Hollister. Hollister Industries wants to take over her company and only Victor Newman can make Hollister go away.

Spurred on by Martin's watery eyes, Newman made an instant decision. War would be declared. Hollister would be ordered to stop being an obstructionist. Failure to roll over or putting up any resistance would target Hollister as an evil spirit. Demons who had tried taking on the superpower before had failed and this time would be no different.

Most disturbing about Newman's demonizing those who get in his way is the sheer hypocrisy. Newman has never hesitated to destroy those who have tried to prevent him from getting what he wants but when those same people have made him or his family squirm they are the evil ones - not Victor Newman.

Newman's desire to conquer is politically backward but some sympathize with him because he's dumb and doesn't know better.

Even in his personal relationships Newman must be the dominator. One of his most popular former wives knows this all too well. But like a used coffee filter, Nikki Newman strains her brain whenever Newman snaps his fingers. She can't help herself. She loves being abused and bawling about the bitterness later.

Victor Newman thinks the world belongs to him and he has the right to declare war, anytime, on anybody he wants. He lays down the law and his enemies tuck their tails and walk away. But it would be nice, if just once, Newman could obtain something he wants without being such an ass about it. "You got that?"

Tuesday, 01.22.02
Newman hypocrisy!
In a wild statement heralding the dangers of drug use, Newman Enterprises giant Victor Newman has called for the elimination by any means possible, including vigilante justice, of drug pushers.

Ignoring the corporate world's toleration of equally dangerous drugs such as alcohol and tobacco, Newman said Tuesday, "It’s difficult to understand why any youngster would put something harmful in his or her body to escape or heighten enjoyment."

Newman's pugnacious tone was indicative of one who gets a thrill of taking the law into his own hands. "I’d like to get my hands on the folks that push drugs to kids," Newman said noting that because his own children are grown the issue, while crucial to civilization, is not as acute for him.

In the heat of the moment Genoa City's most powerful man forgot he has a young son in Kansas who may someday, if not already, be at risk. In addition, Newman has two young grandchildren.

Newman's lopsided case against the evil of drugs is feckless. The war on drugs, like the war on terrorism, cannot be won by declaring some drugs bad while ignoring others.

Monday, 01.21.02
Evildoer will take blame for failed marriage!
With a son destined to follow in his father's footsteps, Newman Enterprises giant Victor Newman has come forward to say that should his son's marriage to Sharon Newman fail, evildoer "Matt Clark will have won."

Reminiscent of blaming everything on the terrorists, Victor Newman was unwilling to take the blame for his own actions. "And who suffers the most? The kids of course. They always bear the brunt of a situation like this," Newman said.

Indeed it is the kids who suffer in a divorce but Newman should have thought about this the dozen or so times he's been through the process. Apples don't fall far from the tree. To blame his son's impending divorce on Matt Clark is a clear and present sign of an everlasting unwillingness to take responsibly which has plagued the socialites in Genoa City for decades.