This year, real people in America grappled with the ramifications of President Shrub
spending their hard earned money to wage war on Saddam while the all snooze stations
ignored the reality behind the patriotic rhetoric in favor of non-stop coverage of sniper
attacks, missing kids, and the Wall Street shenanigans of a blonde domestic goddess and a
sticky fingered, drug taking starlet.
But the amoral asses in Genoa City dealt with the basics. Infidelity, illness, addiction,
blackmail, theft, out of control kids, deceit, and assaults of astounding variety.
All of this may sound intriguing, but much of what transpired could be described as
ridiculous rather than sublime. Here's a look back at what shocked, appalled, titillated,
and bored this bourgeois berg's observers in 2002.
Worst Use Of History: Victor Newman's Magical Mystery Tour Of Ex Wives
And Lovers
Victor Newman has never been the introspective or indecisive type. He knows his own mind
and has never had difficulty making decisions large or small.
When Father Time's stone cold heart and idle penis began to throb anew for ex-wife Nikki,
he bought her an engagement ring, but kept the hot rock in his pocket and didn't present
it to her for months!
The great man was concerned another trip down the aisle with the woman he already
matrimonially recycled once would end in disaster yet again.
In his infinite wisdom, the Black Knight circled the globe looking up ex-wives and lovers
to gain insight as to why all of his relationships ruptured.
This exercise in self indulgent self help might have been entertaining if any of the
mega-magnate mumbler's former fillies fessed up about what the overbearing bastard put
each of them through.
Ex-wife Julia Martin could have reminded Newman his intimidating, controlling ways and
Machiavellian machinations caused her to miscarry the child he erroneously believed was
sired by Michael Scott, who Newman kept imprisoned in a bomb shelter!
But no. It was so much easier for Martin and all the other exes to make utter, sophomoric
fools of themselves by swooning over and batting their eyes at the overbearing ogre.
Ex-wife Ashley wouldn't dream of mentioning that loving the mustache literally drove her
mad. And that was before she had the honor of marrying and then divorcing the man when
Victor kicked her to the curb because Nikki recaptured his fickle fancy.
Hope Adams, another former bride, neglected to bring up the fact that Vic wanted her to
abort their son because there was a risk he'd one day lose his sight. These ugly memories
might have put a damper on the orgasmic worship.
The less said about former flame and herb grinder Ramona Caceres, who's young enough to be
crater faced codger's daughter, attempting a mile high reunion with Vic while clad in a
flimsy teddy the better.
What a pity these pathetic broads who set feminism back 50 years didn't have a dildo or a
Vic-tator blow-up doll to make their sexless, loveless lives stimulating.
For subjecting disgusted viewers, particularly women, to this insulting swill, it's
obvious that head hack Kay AllDone has taken her slavishly psychotic devotion to Eric
Braeden (Vic) to an alarming new low.
Worst Return: Lorie Brooks
From 1973-82, original Y&R cast member Jaime Lyn Bauer dazzled fans and critics alike
with her fiery, fiercely independent portrayal of free spirited novelist lusty Lorie
Brooks.
Bauer's voluntary departure in 1982 was perfectly written because Brooks abandoned Victor
at the altar before their impending wedding after hoodwinking him into relinquishing
controlling interest in ex-husband Lance Prentiss' company. No other woman had ever had
the last laugh at Vic's expense.
What made Lorie's homecoming this year such a dud is that she had been turned into an ice
cold, dreary drip who was saddled with a castrated cluck of an ex-husband (Max Hollister).
Together, they entered into a lame Dangerous Liaisons type of alliance to separate Vic and
Nikki before the Newmans remarried.
The fact that the candid hidden camera plot was putrid and failed miserably wasn't nearly
as galling as turning a cherished character from the past into just another idiotic and
obnoxious Victor Newman groupie viewers couldn't wait to be rid of. Unfortunately, you
can't always go home again.
Worst New Character: Max Hollister
What kind of so-called business man sulks about being all too easily trumped in the
boardroom by bawling his corporate competitor wasn't "nice" when foiling his
meek, candy assed attempt at a takeover?
Because he wasn't man enough to take down Victor Newman in the corporate world, Hollister
sniffed after Newman's ex-wife and hid behind the skirt of a small time cable access
gossip monger and his own ex-wife to make the love connection a reality.
Needless to say, the only thing this fumbling fop managed to do is annoy and enervate
viewers. Hopefully, we'll never see this milk sop of a man again.
Most Welcome Departures: Alex Perez, Sean Bridges, and Billy Abbott
Perez and Bridges might have made a favorable impression had Kay AllDone been capable of
developing these one-dimensional characters with personalities only balls of phlegm would
envy.
Perez did nothing but flit her eyes back and forth and flash frozen smiles at the Winters
brothers. Every time Malcolm touched her, Alex looked like she was going to hurl. The fact
that she was infuriatingly fickle in her frosty affections didn't help matters.
Not long after accepting the fact that fiancée Malcolm was likely African alligator food,
Perez took a long overdue powder and no one has missed her.
Then there's Bridges, who was burdened by a cyber geek persona, fruity threads and a head
scratching hairdo that made many wonder if he was a closeted gay man, and a May/December
romance with Jill Abbott that singularly lacked chemistry and sense.
The mysterious pasts of both Bridges and Perez were only hinted at by the unfortunate
AllDone, who hasn't created a new character viewers could tolerate (outside of the 25 year
old teens, who are mysteriously appreciated by a segment of culturally deprived real
teens) since taking over the head writing reins in 1998.
As for Billy, his decision to hammer nails in a Louisiana swamp was welcomed by many fans
because actor David Tom found it difficult to play a scene without flailing his arms,
contorting his rubber face, and stammering like a crack addicted loon.
Weakest Woman: Amanda Hunnicutt
What to do if your slimy ex-husband slithers into town and gets you to admit on a tepid
cassette tape that you're not quite convinced your daughter had been felt up by her
scumbag stepfather?
Well, Amanda Hunnicutt decided to cower to Ralphie boy's every whim to the point that she
was an accessory to a jewel heist which led to a kidnapping and carnage of all kinds.
Needless to say, Amanda's secondary but crucial role in Ralphie's addle brained intrigue
led to the destruction of her fragile and recent reconciliation with Mac.
The trampled dandelion barely flinched when dotty dowager Katherine Chancellor spewed a
wad of spit in her face, and passively permitted the likes of Yawn and Jill Abbott and
Larry Warton to say what a worthless excuse for human flesh she was for allowing Ralph
back into her life.
These folks had every right to be outraged, but most galling of all is that a woman in the
21st century would be so sickeningly stupid and spineless not to simply tell Ralph to take
a hike in the first place. If she had, all of this idiocy could have been avoided.
Most Repulsive Woman: Olivia Winters
Worst Mother: Traci Abbott Carlton Connelly
Worst Teen Couple: J.T. Hellstrom and Colleen Carlton
Biggest Neanderthal: Paul 'Clueless' Williams
Biggest Wimp: Brad Carlton for letting old man Yawn Abbott and Traci
Connelly walk all over him, and letting Ashley Carlton bitch at him while on chemo.
Best Makeover: Mac Browning (she's no beauty, but she looks a lot better)
Worst Makeover: Olivia Winters
Biggest Downfall: Neil Winters (The drunk)
Best/Worst Event: Nikki and Victor Newman's wedding was grand, but
frequently interrupting the ceremony vows for Ashley's revelation about Abby's paternity
was a letdown.
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