It was predicted last year that when Jabot Cosmetics CEO Jack Abbott had sex with architect Diane Jenkins it would spell doom for his marriage. At the time, Abbott said it was a necessary evil, the end would justify the means in that once Jenkins had tasted his raw manhood she'd spill her guts about having setup his wife to take the fall for the Abbott poolhouse fire.

Desperate to get out of jail, Phyllis Abbott went along with the scheme. After all, her husband had said it was only sex and would only happen once. Furthermore, he promised his undying love. Regardless of what happened, they would always love one another.

But as the cosmetics war heated up Mr. Abbott frequently blamed his wife when things didn't go the way he wanted. Mrs. Abbott moved out of the Abbott home a number of times but always returned on the promise of forgiveness and good sex.

When Jack Abbott slipped another knife in her back this week Mrs. Abbott moved out again. This time Mr. Abbott blamed his wife for almost "everything" that has happened in his lifetime. As punishment for not going along to get along Mr. Abbott announced that his child, the same child he and Phyllis fought tooth and nail for months to get away from Jenkins, would be returned to Jenkins.

This is how weasels like Abbott work. They make promises and when the promise no longer serves their needs they change the rules. As he did with Luan Violein, Jack Abbott has lied and generally become the biggest weasel in Genoa City.

The initial rollout of its latest toxic cosmetics product called Tuvia complete, Jabot Cosmetics has announced that it is once again facing a financial crisis. Stating that what little money the company did have after paying off its debt to competitor Newman Enterprises was spent on advertising to hype Tuvia, CEO Jack Abbott said Thursday it was a crap shoot. Because the advertising didn't generate expected sales there are no additional funds in the Jabot coffers to support continued Tuvia promotion.

Strapped, Jabot executives say they plan to seek financial assistance via more loans. But late word wasn't good. Financial institutions contacted so far have turned down loan applications based on Jabot's poor credit. Of course, allowing a washed-up former model to call around the city on behalf of the company couldn't have helped either.

Hired by Jabot to be a spokemodel for Tuvia and nothing more, Dru Winters has taken it upon herself to perform the functions usually handled by executives. She has consistently tried passing herself off as a Jabot owner even going so far as to tell twenty-percent stock holder Jill Abbott to do physically impossible sexual acts.

Observers can only imagine what it might be like receiving a loan request by Winters and some would like to be in a position to bleed Jabot dry by attempting to get Winters to sign on the dotted line of a document she can barely read much less comprehend.

"Oh, that's nothing Ms. Winters. 39.1% is the going rate on a $10 million loan. Sign right here under where it says the total amount due shall be $977 million. Nice doing business with you Ms. Winters."

While a judge would undoubtedly nullify such a contract the point is that again Jabot has allowed Ms. Winters to meddle in company affairs for which she is hardly qualified and should confine her to spokesmodel duties or office cleaning chores.

As for Jabot and it's future the obvious has become painfully clear. It's one remaining hope is Diane Jenkins.

Phyllis Abbott unlocked the viper's box when she voluntarily went out of her way on Thursday to go to Jenkins' hotel room to bring the woman - who swiped sperm thinking it belonged to another man but wound up having Jack Abbott's baby - up to speed on all the latest gossip and let it be known that the man who unwittingly sired her baby is in a "fragile" state of mind.

When Jenkins and her husband make a deal to keep Jabot alive Mrs. Abbott will be in no position to bitch. If she hadn't run her mouth Jenkins may never have known.

As exciting as it is to have Jenkins reentering the mix there is another important factual tidbit which will come back to bite these people on the ass. All the money Jenkins has comes directly from Victor Newman. There can be no sniveling and whining on the part of the Abbotts about how evil Newman is when and if Jabot gets back on its feet. But, of course, hypocrisy will rear its ugly head again.

When Newman loaned Jabot all that money the Abbotts didn't like it but they were happy to maintain their life style. They were peaceful little skunk oil sniffers until it was discovered Newman had purchased a competing company. Then Newman became an evildoer worse than Saddam. Now Jabot is struggling again and like all the times before it, Newman money will bail their sorry butts out of disaster.

The old saying, you can't have your cake and eat it too, would seem to apply here so it would behoove the Abbotts to just shut the hell up and get off this axis of evil kick. Accept that Newman is King and that endless bitching and moaning won't change it.

Why oh why can't the loser limping Jack Abbott find a decent intellect with a modicum of personality and charisma and some actual balls to step up and lead Jabot Cosmetics before the Newman weasels suck the entire cosmetics industry dry and pummel the collective soul of Abbott's family into a tiny powdery hunk of bitter gray coal?

What a whimpering, unadulterated embarrassment Abbott must now feel. What heaping mountains of crow he must be dining on. Yeah, Tuvia was going to kick ass. This was the general sentiment, the snickering attitude hissing from Abbott and his cronies like hot spittle spraying all over Genoa City.

But what really happened was that Newman Enterprises outsmarted Jabot and in just one day had done what Victor Newman said it would do. Buried Jabot and Tuvia. Justifiably Newman could have gloated when Abbott walked into his office on Friday with his tail between his legs. But the great man didn't. He let Abbott spew his bile before pointing out he won fair and square. See how our multibillion-dollar high-tech superpower cosmetics ordnance named Safra annihilated the little scrawny pip-squeak Jabot? See how we barely even broke a multibillion-dollar sweat?

"The only way Safra could have knocked us out of the park is if you corked the bat," Abbott honked, and then went on to make wild allegations of corruption and bribery and my but wasn't it terrible that a company in business to make money would do whatever it takes to accomplish that goal. And should he discover that Newman stock boy and one-time briber Michael Baldwin had anything to do with fudging sales figures, "I will find out and I'll use it to bury you," Abbott actually said.

Abbott should have immediately been hanged and castrated and laughed at and called many violently homophobic names and run over with a big bitchin' Ford Expedition for his inability to come up with an original threat.

Perhaps that's why Newman laughed in his face. "Thank you for the warning. I'll file it away with your other useless threats," the most powerful man in Genoa City duly noted rightfully so. Abbott has an obsession with making threats but does not have the spine to back them up.

And Abbott is gonna follow exactly in his proud daddy's footsteps. Just watch as he loses everything and embarrasses the family even further and proves himself to be a miserably dense and out-of-touch gutless cosmetics guru.

Repercussions are for wimps! Who's laughing now? Victor Newman is. What a loser Jack Abbott is.

Decimated hopes of a generation

April 1, 2003

Mass confusion can only describe the implosive war going on between the Abbotts and the Newmans. Still in its infancy the war won't win the hearts and minds of the buying public. Cosmetic consumers will be outraged when they discover the war is all about power and greed and destroying families in its wake. AVON is but a web click away for those unwilling to support war in any form.

The first mistake made by both sides was the hiring of Dru Winters and Phyllis Abbott. Both women are on the wrong side and akin to employing Osama bin Ladens. What were the warmongers thinking?

As reported, the Jabot Cosmetics plan is to plant Winters in the enemy camp. And Newman Enterprises has revealed its intention to use Phyllis Abbott to find out what is going on behind enemy lines. It's a lose-lose situation which will defuse what could have been a thrilling war - as wars go.

A member of the Abbott war council described the war as "World War" three when the council gathered Tuesday at the Abbott home to discuss strategy. Old man and founder of Jabot, John 'Yawn' Abbott attended the meeting along with live-in forever house guest and former Abbott slave, PainMe Johnson whom was said to be "on board" for the destruction of Newman Enterprises even though Johnson's niece will be used as a pawn in the process.

Also on hand at the meeting was Mrs. Abbott. But before anyone could utter a word about the war it was pointed out that Abbott is a warrior for the other side. Jabot CEO, Jack Abbott was stunned. What did they mean? It wasn't as if his wife would be taking notes. Surely everyone must know that like his father who drools in a cup, Mrs. Abbott has no memory so why not let her in on the war talks?

"You're acting like she's a traitor," Mr. Abbott squawked and right in front of Johnson said that his wife would never run her mouth to the enemy like Dru Winters is known to do.

Mrs. Johnson took exception to the snide remark and suggested that perhaps the best place to discuss war was in the war room and that she needed a yoga class to clear her head. What on earth was she doing involved in this mess?

The war council broke up because it had become so frightening to watch Jack Abbott turning into an odious beady eyed evil incarnate which is just slightly better than being Satan's toilet brush and for the time being just short of something dead you would probably need to burn off your shoe with a blowtorch if you stepped in it.

If this war is allowed to continue a lot of people are going to get hurt. And for what? So the Abbotts can dress head to toe in baby seal skin and recline on their thrones made of Chinese infant skulls on their enormous yachts somewhere off the coast of Greece, as drugged Jabot employees fans them with giant palm fronds made of snakeskin and kitten fur and the decimated hopes of a generation.

March 14, 2003

Details are sketchy but Newman Enterprises seems to be on the verge of announcing the purchase of Saltine Cosmetics. The relatively unknown cosmetics firm sells chemically injected skin products exclusively to the African-American market and will compete with Jabot Cosmetics which has said it will create an African-American line of products from scratch.

Newman's bid of $25-million outbid the financially strapped Jabot best offer of $20-million even though research data shows Saltine is not worth much more than $18-million.

Perhaps stranger than the pending sale were the anal transactions that followed Jabot's inability to match the Newman bid.

Unaware what company had placed such a high bid for a floundering company, Jabot CEO Jack Abbott caught a big break when a Saltine lawyer - at Jabot making on the fly offers - made a telephone call to Jabot's competitor. Having already passed up the deal on the order of his father and Jabot founder, Abbott made a strange comment.

"We'll have Saltine before this day is over."

Apparently thinking that the firm willing to pay twenty five million was a bluff, Abbott was stunned when he overheard the lawyer speaking to Newman's Rash & Sassy subsidiary honcho, Victoria Newman telling her that Saltine was hers if she is willing to pay the inflated price.

"Damn! It was Victor [Newman]. Why would he be after Saltine except to hurt us?" Jack wondered, and amazingly the flying monkeys huddling in the corner didn't jump all over him and wash out his mouth with some moisturizing cream.

Why the paranoia? What if XYZ company had purchased Saltine? Would Abbott have accused XYZ of being out to hurt Jabot? Business is business. Screwing competitors and laughing all the way to the bank is the American way.

The news was not at all shocking to the otherwise drooling in a cup old man Yawn Abbott who calmly said Jabot will move forward with starting up its own company so that the black community will have even more white companies to pour their hard-earned money into.

"It will take us a while to get going but you can believe we'll be in the game," the old geezer said and then took off to change his Depends.

Standing around with thumbs up their butts, Jack and his top skunk oil brewer looked at each other like they had just seen a television for the first time. Gosh, who could have leaked out word that Jabot was thinking about purchasing Saltine?

Was Abbott too busy picking lint out of his belly button that he did not hear the Saltine lawyer speak Ms. Newman's name on the phone while standing in plain sight in the office of a competing bidder? Did Abbott not think that perhaps the lawyer had told Newman or that not a single person in Genoa City knew Saltine is for sale?

Considering the caliber of these Jabot business professionals it's little wonder Jabot has faced near collapse in the past. The nitwits who run this company are about as close to being brain dead as it gets.

January 15, 2003

Double-standard

And Carlton, worried sick that Newman may find out what she did, and wants to tell him before her husband does, but said Wednesday she doesn't want Victor to know, remains too lazy to get off her fat ass and maybe wait for the great man in, like, his office, or his home, or the RoadKill Cafe where the two frequently bump into each other.

"Do you have any idea what you've done? How could you let this happen?" Abbott barked in apparent disbelief followed immediately by gushing kind gratitude for Brad Carlton.

"If I were Brad, Newman would be pushing up daisies," Jack snickered inducing an apology for the ugliness of stealing sperm, having babies and keeping it all secret.

Only a few weeks days ago Jack berated Diane Jenkins for doing exactly the same thing, but in Ashley's case it's perfectly okay. It's Victor who should be blamed for not keeping better track of his sperm.

"Even though you hate Victor with a passion, he's a strong, intelligent, thoughtful, caring person," Ashley puked as she again worried that if word gets out "It'll be all over town" and so many lives will be ruined. And, if Nikki Newman finds out, the old cow won't think logically - like Ashley did - and blab her mouth too.

So here they are. Ashley Carlton howling into a vacuum as Jack Abbott further stirs the anti-Victor hate in the face of almost unanimous opposition that stealing sperm is wrong. And Diane Jenkins is grinning like mad at the double-standard.

January 2, 2003

Stirring the cesspool of life

Due to some massive time warping, it appears there is a good chance New Year's day will be skipped entirely this year in Genoa City.