Jeffery Todd Hellstrom news archives
See Also: Anita Hodges Mac Browning Raul Guittierez Billy Abbott
Brittany Hodges Colleen Carlton
Teen's parents
spared reading agony
by Brent
Kellogg
November 11, 2003
The
parents of Genoa City's Dean of Teens, listed in the social register as Tom and Martha
Hellstrom, were elated this week when the father of their son's Barbie Doll called to
inform them that hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom had been arrested, but was free on bond.
"Golly! That Brad Carlton is quite the gentlemen. I don't know if my heart could have
taken the stress of having to read about J.T.'s arrest in the paper," the Hellstroms
did not say because they are largely tooth-decayed dunderheads, can't speak for themselves
and were never seen attending the Arts Society Gala even after their son said that they
would attend.
Hellstrom was arrested late last week after he physically attacked suspected arsonist, and
Genoa City's most wanted terrorist, Kevin Fisher in what was really a limp-wristed scuffle
by two sissies.
"I almost killed the guy," a delusional Hellstrom actually said, while praising
Mr. Carlton for finally coming to his senses and understanding what it feels like when an
adult male is in love with a sixteen-year-old girl.
While trying valiantly not to roll his eyes too obviously nor shake his head in deeply
embarrassed sadness and unaware that being free on bond does not absolve one of a crime,
Hellstrom's one and only friend and former bitter enemy, Raul Guittierez was awe-struck.
"You're the only guy I know who could assault someone and end up smelling like a
rose," he hacked, before taking credit for closing down Genoa City's icky Gentlemen's
Club much to the delight of happy cheering hyper-sexless drones who like to inject their
snide little version of uptight do-gooder theology into the cultural bloodstream.
Worried that Hellstrom might give away the truth that it was banker Fred Hodges who tipped
off the local liquor commission that he would be at the club drinking booze, Guittierez
told Hellstrom to keep his mouth shut lest a dead hunkmonkey is found laying in the street
one morning. And that, would really be something worthy of reading about in all the
papers.
Hunkmonkey
arrested for assault
November 7, 2003
Local babe-magnet, and
Dean of Genoa City's most popular teenage girls, Jeffery Todd Hellstrom was arrested and
charged with assault on Friday when police broke up an altercation between the
twenty-something-year-old man and suspected arsonist Kevin Fisher.
What
amounted to a limp-wristed spat resulted in Hellstrom's booking at police headquarters
where he was read his rights much to the consternation of concerned parent Brad Carlton
who demanded Fisher be arrested for attempting to murder his daughter, Colleen, found
trapped recently in the RoadKill Cafe blaze.
Police
had to remind Carlton that regardless of how it sometimes can appear to be Nazi Germany,
Genoa City is still part of the United States and that there is no evidence on which to
base Fisher's arrest.
Sugar
shack trashing blamed on pimp
August 22, 2003
Had the walls not been
so thick they were able to block out the sound of a door being pried open and the sounds
of glass breaking, or had his ears not been plugged with slimy yellow wax, local
hunkmonkey J.T. Hellstrom might have been able to at least get a glimpse of the person who
on Thursday trashed the apartment he shares with two equally disgusting residents of Genoa
City.
Within moments of calling police the downtown sugar shack was crawling with the next best
thing to a SWAT team. Detective Hank Weber and his band of storm troopers - last seen
fumbling the Vanishing Victim case - were looking for clues in what was a simple case of
vandalism.
Weber's promise that Genoa City's finest always get their man was somewhat disconcerting
considering that right after he told the occupants not to worry he asked the victims if
they might have any idea who would trash the joint.
Having been threatened earlier by strip joint owner Bobby Marsino, Hellstrom was eager to
sic the cops on the Englebert Humperdink look-alike and incredibly volunteered that
Marsino's motive was that he feared losing one of his best employees, Brittany Hodges.
A tenant living at the shack, Hodges was outraged. How dare Hellstrom rat her nice boss
out? Marsino would never do such a juvenile thing.
"But Mr. Policeman. Marsino pays Brittany big bucks and has the hots for her,"
Hellstrom did not exactly say, but may as well have considering how stupid the statement
was.
"Let's see if we have this straight. Marsino came here, threatened you and then left.
You went down the stairs looking for a smoke detector and when you came back found your
front door has been pried open, the place was trashed and yet you didn't see anyone or
hear anything?" Weber did not ask, but should have had he any expertise in solving
crime.
When it became obvious there was nothing more he could do and should have told the renters
that it's too bad their place was trashed but those are the breaks, Weber wound his way
over to the Gentlemen's Club where he grilled Marsino with regard to where he had been
during the past hour.
When Marsino said he had been at the office for over an hour and intimated he has better
things to do than trash pig pens, Weber took his word for it and left. Amazingly, he did
not warn Marsino not to leave town.
The
only thing remaining was the harmless shifting of numb buttock muscles and the marking of
time. What has become of the Genoa City Police Department? Is there such a shortage of
real crime in this city that detectives and CSI teams are relegated to catching dogs? Why
isn't Weber investigating the Izzy Williams case? Why isn't Weber out searching for Otis
Elwood so that he can find out what really happened that night on the shores of Lake
Michigan?
Predator goes
ballistic; hero under fire
by Brent Kellogg
& Vicki Johns
August 21, 2003
In 1985, police
suspected Richard Ramirez of being the "Night Stalker," the man responsible for
a string of nocturnal killings that terrorized Southern California in the mid-1980s. They
knew his name, had found a partial fingerprint and had released his picture to the public.
But it wasn't old-fashioned, shoe-leather detective work that led police to capture
Ramirez. He was nabbed and beaten by angry residents while trying to steal a car in East
Los Angeles.
Sometimes, slip-ups trip up the killers.
And if crazy Internet predator Kevin Fisher doesn't watch his step he'll be next if the
stunt he pulled Thursday is any indication.
Naturally whacked and getting worse with each passing day one might have thought that
Fisher's action was drugged induced. He must have been stoned out of his mind to go to the
sugar shack rented by J.T. Hellstrom, set off a smoke detector and - knowing in advance
that Hellstrom was home alone - waited for the hunkmonkey to go off looking for the alarm.
But people seeking revenge aren't necessarily crazy or on drugs. They are clear headed
intelligent people who don't like when other people stick their noses where they don't
belong. Like Hellstrom did last week when he plowed into Fisher's apartment, warned him to
stay away from love-dazed jail bait Lily Winters and then physically assaulted him.
Lost in his own little world Hellstrom didn't hear or see Fisher using a pry bar to gain
access to the pad he shares with the city's notorious hyper-religious prude and one of the
local strippers. Nor did he hear Fisher breaking the windows, the answering machine or the
mirror.
Maybe Hellstrom didn't hear the noise because there was this overwhelming sense of
sinking, like lukewarm pudding or soapy quicksand. Feeling big and bad and having just
told Engelbert Humperdink look-alike and strip joint owner Bobby Marsino to stay away from
his stripper bud, Hellstrom was high on himself. He had just told Marsino to forget about
getting the sex goddess Brittany Hodges in bed and that she and Raul Guittierez deserve
each other. And while it may be true, Marsino knew the first time he laid eyes on
Guittierez that this is one kid who hasn't had his genitalia stimulated by anything other
than a Dustbuster since about 1999 and that Hodges would snap up a real man in a heartbeat
what with Guittierez carrying on about his woman shedding her clothes in front of a bunch
of sleazy guys and all.
Saying how he'd like to smack Hellstrom over the head with a bottle, Marsino dealt the
ultimate blow when he called Hellstrom a "cowboy", laughed in his face and
generally reamed him with insults. All hat and pseudo-manly. Ever rode a horse, boy?
Didn't think so. Watch who you threatened kid because "this thing between us isn't
over" Marsino added, leaving Hellstrom alone with the ringing of a smoke alarm in his
head. And not thinking, gosh, I better watch my mouth, Hellstrom wandered down the stairs.
Until Hellstrom somehow got religion and turned into father confessor and an official
member of "Big Brothers of America," he would have been able to figure out
– even keep one step ahead of – guys like Kevin Fisher and Bobby Marsino. Now
the former bad boy seems to be at their mercy, getting his pad trashed by Fisher and his
ego by Marsino. Yes, indeed, sadly it seems that Hellstrom has turned into one of those
guys that now needs to learn the hard way. You know, the old cup of sugar in the gas tank,
a pet found dead on the doorstep, a fire that starts mysteriously.
And he’s got the perfect teachers for that lesson in the form of the dynamic duo of
Marsino and Fisher.
Lesson One: Stay away from my bitch-stripper babe.
Lesson Two: Today your apartment, tomorrow your hero ass.
Lesson Three? Stay tuned.
One man
warmonger
by Brent Kellogg
August 13, 2003
Genoa City's
resident hunkmonkey is becoming quite the one-man warmonger. After punching out Internet
predator Kevin Fisher and warning that if Fisher doesn't stay away from dumb as dirt Lily
Winters and his sexy piece of jail bait Colleen Carlton there will be hell to pay, J.T.
Hellstrom marched over to the Gentlemen's Club on Wednesday where he threatened owner
Bobby Marsino.
Demanding that they talk about Marsino's latest divine goddess incarnate Brittany Hodges,
Marsino deferred to Hellstrom's ignorance. Ain't no Brittany works here, he drawled until
Hellstrom said he had seen Hodges singing and dancing with his own eyes.
"You mean Marilyn," Marsino snickered, and at the same time recalled Hellstrom
was the little weasel they had caught using a fake ID and decided he didn't want to talk
to no kid about his employees.
Had it not been for the fact he works at a boutique fondling women's undergarments and has
the boyish look old men dream of while thumbing through porn collections, Hellstrom's
crack "don't blow me off" might have made Marsino cringe. "Blow you off?
Only in your dreams, pal," Marsino did not say.
As Hellstrom boasted that he shares a shack with Hodges and her dildo named Raul, Marsino
guessed right away that Raul Guittierez doesn't know the goddess works as a stripper and
will freak when he finds out.
Hellstrom nodded in agreement before injecting that he doesn't want his pals - who not so
long ago hated his guts until they needed somebody to share the rent - to get hurt and
hinted that indulging in deviant behavior is akin to having weapons of mass destruction.
Marsino assured the hunkmonkey that his pal is welcomed to, um, come see for himself that
Ms. Hodges is in good hands but Hellstrom wasn't about to be pacified. He had already made
up his mind that Marsino would fire Hodges or face the consequences.
Unwilling to let some twit dictate demands Marsino said no. Then, like a dime store cowboy
all hat and no cattle, Hellstrom warned that unless Marsino complied, "things might
get ugly."
Ugly? As in I'll bomb your ass and take your gas? As in you're going to be liberated
whether you want to be or not?
Marsino was not impressed. He told Hellstrom that if Guittierez and he can behave
themselves they can visit the club whenever they wish but at the first sign of trouble
"things will get ugly in a hurry." In the meantime, Hellstrom could take a hike.
With school starting soon many are wondering how much longer this sequel to the Nikki
Newman is discovered by Victor Newman saga can go on. Because the longer it goes - and
unless they are living under rocks there isn't anyone who doesn't know that Guittierez
will go into diabetic shock when he learns his princess is stripping and he'll have to
compete with her pimp to save her from a fate worse than a marriage between two persons of
the same sex - the worse it gets.
Hellstrom needs to get over his bad self before he turns into nothing but spin and frantic
scowls. Poke a finger in J.T. and out pours hot air. He's becoming a jagged pothole on the
highway to hell. He contributes nothing by playing the demon of sour conservatism and
righteousness.
Get your damn
hypocrisy out of my cherry picker
August 11, 2003
It probably
doesn't matter that Jeffery Todd Hellstrom has become a hypocrite like so many others in
Genoa City. The ongoing Internet predator tale lost its credibility the moment 16-year-old
Lily Winters wouldn't heed the warning signs and went fully into the sewer when she
returned for a second time to whack job Kevin Fisher's apartment.
Unfortunately, this tale has claimed another victim or two if Colleen Carlton counts.
Hellstrom has apparently forgotten that the mother of the underage tease bomb he's
infatuated with had him tossed in jail for just thinking about being with Ms. Carlton. The
only reason he's with Colleen now is thanks to a deal made with the girl's father in which
it was agreed that Hellstrom would not try to steal Carlton's virginity.
Additionally, Hellstrom has thrown a number of "keggers" at which underage teens
were in attendance including Carlton. One such booze fest took place at the Hellstrom
residence where Carlton's Uncle, Billy Abbott overdosed and was left by Hellstrom in the
snow to die.
Furthermore, the sixteen-year-old Carlton has thrown herself at Hellstrom a number of
times practically begging him to go cherry picking in her orchard.
So why these two kids threw a fit when they found Lily Winters drinking and carrying on
with Fisher this week boggles the mind. Carlton and Hellstrom's tiny burgeoning young
souls seem to be aggressively rotted away by all that $3 coffee they drink at the Newman
Jitter Joint. And while its certainly nice and maybe even necessary to point out
quantifiable differences in the appropriateness of certain moral messages, it does nothing
to change the fact that they are pre-jaded ennui-drunk lemmings. Kids acting like grownups
is not becoming.
Hellstrom and Carlton would have been better off riding around town on their vibrating
broomsticks and left Winters to see the error of her ways all by her lonesome. She claims
to be a big girl so let her deal with the big decisions.
Share and share alike
July 21, 2003
And then there was Jeffery Todd Hellstrom, walking through his
daily life without a care in the world, eating and laughing and screwing old women and
living for free with his parents and thinking for himself, filtering the onslaught and
trying to remain connected to the divine and jail bait girl of his dreams, Colleen
Carlton. Yes, J.T. Hellstrom, hunkmonkey at large, living alone and loving the solitude.
So why would anyone not beholden to sharing with others agree - as Hellstrom did on Monday
- to move into a two bedroom apartment with not only two people who have never liked him,
but perhaps the two biggest boobs in Genoa City?
With his gear already tucked away inside the dimly lit downtown shack occupied by Raul
Guittierez and Brittany Hodges, Hellstrom introduced himself to Hodges as her latest
roommate. At first outraged, Hodges waved a wad of dollars bills in Hellstrom's face
telling him she didn't need no stinking roommate. Besides, she had recently rid herself of
the kissing cousins in the next bedroom and was looking forward to not worrying who might
hear the bed springs squeaking late at night.
Because Hellstrom had been begged by her lover-boy to move in and pay rent when all that
money could be used to purchase cheap trinkets at a discount from the Fenmore Glowtique
for his girl, Hodges put away her objections provided the hunkmonkey promise not to tell
Guittierez about the wad of bills or question how it is that an inexperienced girl would
have come into so much money by "singing" at a local club.
Totally oblivious that singers - especially those who aren't - don't receive tips as a
rule, Guittierez asked Hodges about her job but didn't say a word when she asked that he
not ask any questions until she feels more comfortable "performing."
And as always, Genoa City begins to follow. The culture darkens, people run scared,
reactionary, depressed. The negative feeds upon itself and more frequently does that
overwhelming question keep coming back. Why, oh why?
Why would Hellstrom want to share anything with these creeps? The dirty dishes, the
un-flushed urine stained toilet, the hair in the shower, the body odors and the creaking
bed springs.
Proud to be a hunkmonkey
May
14, 2003
by Cameron Bishop
As
Colleen Carlton’s face begun to crumble and the sound of her heart shattering was
heard miles away at the sight of J.T. Hellstrom sucking face with Anita “Queen of the
Undead” Hodges, one had to wonder if Mr. Hellstrom is proud of himself, or whether or
not he had ever stopped to consider the long-term ramifications of laying pipe with a
woman thirty years his senior.
Firstly, there’s the issue of Colleen herself – the only person who, in Genoa
City or anywhere in America it would seem, would give J.T. the benefit of the doubt and
believe in his innate goodness. Sadly, she is now faced with the realization that this is
a man hornier than a two-peckered billy goat who prefers old women with saggy breasts and
hardened nipples to a young, randy high school student who begged him to sleep with her.
Secondly, Mr. Hellstrom now faces some severe maiming at the hands of all members of the
Abbott/Carlton clan. No doubt Mamie Johnson will go on a rampage, attack him with a vacuum
cleaner and plant his testicles in a batch of hot sweet po-ta-toe pie; John Abbott will
assuredly attempt to gum the poor guy to death – by removing his dentures, he will
most certainly be a force to be reckoned with; and Poppa Brad Carlton will be busting his
knees and tearing him from limb to limb, and Ashley Carlton… well Ashley will
probably punish him by stealing his sperm and having his kid. After all, if it's older
women he likes, why not foist a baby on the guy so he gets a real idea of the definition
of responsibility.
Thirdly, if we are to assume that J.T. sees some bizarre future in this sicko relationship
with the Death Queen Anita, then we must also assume he’ll be comfortable changing
her diapers and spoon feeding her pabulum in a few short years. Indeed, such are the
horrors of old age, that this young buck will not have to worry about hot sex for much
longer. Rather, the only thing he will have to worry about is the babbling, incoherent
fool Anita will become as she descends into the spiral that is old age. Incontinence.
Diapers. False teeth. Varicose veins. Drool. Sound pleasing J.T.? Get ready stud,
it’s on its way… part in parcel of screwing an old lady.
Moreover,
Hellstrom will also have to contend with Miss Piggy – AKA Brittany Hodges. Not
exactly a step-daughter I’d want hanging around my house, her ass sticking out of my
fridge as she goes on a mad hunt for kobassa.
Yes Mr. Hellstrom, you’ve really done it this time. Broken the heart of the girl who
adored you despite your flaws; screwed your ex-girlfriend’s Mom, and now face a life
of ass-wiping, dementia and blue balls.
So I must ask again: Are you proud of yourself Mr. Hellstrom?
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