Vanessa Lerner News Archives

Extract could revolutionize shampoo!
November 11, 2003

Cosmetics giant Jabot and the makers of the highly toxic skunk oil product Tuvia, were reportedly shaking in their test tubes Tuesday as rumors spread of a new "all natural" as yet nameless product thought to revolutionize the shampoo industry.

To be made from a newly discovered exotic orchid extract, pioneer and chemist Vanessa Lehner says the product will make naturally curly hair stay straight "from shampoo to shampoo."

Still on the drawing board, Lehner's hope of moving the product into the early stages of development are contingent on the assistance of Jabot chemist and noted lab rat, Damon Porter.

Apparently undecided, and with no plan to tell Jabot that its lab facilities may be used to create a competing product, Porter has said the product could take "years" to develop.

But pointing out that things have a way of happening in the "blink of an eye", Lehner says that she can tell Porter is very interested in her product and that interest "worries me a great deal."

Lehner's conflicting statement was indicative of one who has been sniffing way too much turpentine and could not immediately be deciphered.

Genoa City doesn't need more toxicity
October 31, 2003

As Genoa City's need for affordable staples and mountains and mountains of overly lit horrid wasteful junk and landfill merchandise boost retailer's revenue and solidifies its place among the dark pantheon of mega corporations that suck the very pith of joy from the heart of humanity, word is spreading like the plague of another slimy skunk oil product to fill the dumps.

Dressed head to toe in baby seal skin and having left the comfort of her throne made of infant skulls on a yacht somewhere off the coast of Bermuda, where drugged former RoadKill Cafe employees fan her with giant palm fronds, Venessa Lerner sauntered into town on Friday with news of a "silver bullet" said to "revolutionize personal grooming for women."

Women who love anointing their bodies with toxic chemical gunk were reportedly rushing to remove nasty Safra - and the rare Tuvia products they've only used once - from their homes and stashing them in the garage where they will remain for the next twenty-plus years.

Very little is known yet about Lerner except that it appears she'll be sticking around and has ties to local spiritual healer Damon Porter. And like Porter, Lerner is a chemist who claims to have found what was heretofore a secret tropical plant much like the one Nikki Newman found a few years ago in the Amazon.

Learning that his old bed-buddy is back in town, Porter was heard to say, "My prayers have been answered."