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by Michael Kelly

First things first, dear readers. The 2004 Award For The Biggest Procrastinator Among GCN Columnists goes to yours truly for not only taking another undeserved, self-indulgent respite from writing but for failing until now to bestow upon the citizens of Genoa City either kudos or a kick in the ass regarding their behavior this year and the events that shaped their lives.

The only explanation - or excuse, to be blunt - I can offer for stalling is that I wanted to find a more efficient (my GC Year In Review for 2002 had umpteen installments and was such a time consuming pain to write I didn't even attempt one last year) but still comprehensive format to give Genoa City-ites and their respective tribulations and triumphs their due.

Fortunately, I think I've found the answer! By providing resolutions that will not only improve Y&R in 2005 if the show is prudent enough to abide by them, I can simultaneously summarize what the show did right or wrong during 2004.

To get things started, Y&R resolves to concoct no more crime sagas involving deceased victims of violence who ultimately turn up very much among the living months later. Since my 2003 choice for Worst Story Line would have been the Dizzy Izzy Brana Williams' (portrayed by a pre-Desperate Housewives Eva Longoria) logic defying faked death accomplished in part by draining pints of her own blood debacle, it should surprise no one that this year's recipient of the ultimate Booby Prize is the insipid, interminable Cameron Kirsten caper.

Long before viewers learned Cameron's demise was bogus and had been orchestrated by Kirsten's henchman somehow offing Sharon Newman's ex-lover and father of her eldest child Frank Barrett and passing off the grease monkey's corpse as Cameron's, this inept, convoluted crap-a-thon earned the distinction of being one of Y&R's all-time clunkers.

If you think I'm going to waste time regurgitating the million of absurdities associated with this putrid tale, think again. On second thought, here are just a few lowlights:

Sharon being stupid enough to even set foot in the hotel room of a man who had previously beaten her to a pulp.

Her ability to bury an alive Kirsten and unearth a dead Barrett without being discovered.

Kirsten's ability to suddenly appear and disappear from inside Newman's car and gain access to her family's ponderosa to haunt her.

Larry Warton's inexplicable participation in the nonsense by dragging a corpse through the city streets while riding his Harley.

Nikki Newman abetting the daughter-in-law she detests and trudging with her through a rat infested sewer to ogle a decaying corpse rather than turning in the bitch who stuck her tongue down her husband's throat and ran out on her son and grandchildren for months.

While spending much of the year acting as though his father were Satan himself, a usually hateful and embittered Nick Newman, with no difficulty whatsoever, forgave his wife for making a fool of him - not that he needed any help in that regard - and helped her extricate herself from the nightmare she brought on herself rather than kick her skanky ass to the curb.

Nick's cartoonish Spider Man heroics on board Kirsten's private jet and the corny conclusion in the corn field.

Y&R's writers resolve to continue to fully exploit the talents of its most gifted thespians by thoroughly exploring the rich history and personal demons of the characters they play. This doesn't happen often, but the scribes definitely hit a home run this year with the brothers named Baldwin and Fisher and their turbulent relationship with each other and their reunion with their dysfunctional, gold-digging, self-help book and tabloid reading, gigolo seducing, glossy lipped and atrociously attired mother Gloria.

In fact, thanks to clever writing and especially the remarkably rare as hen's teeth, humorous and inspired chemistry among the peerless trio of Christian LeBlanc (Michael), Greg Rikaart (Kevin) and Joan Van Ark (Gloria), the Baldwin-Fisher family values along with Kevin Fisher's bumpy evolution from cradle robbing, pyromaniacal town pariah into man-child attempting to redeem himself was the Best Story Line this year.

There's so much the show did right with these characters, I'm willing to overlook the Cuckoo's Nest nonsense (Kevin setting himself on fire without so much as singeing a hair on his wacky head and effortlessly escaping from the nuthouse) and the fact it never dawned on ding-a-ling Yawn Abbott how surreal it was to find the man who nearly burnt his granddaughter to a crisp and the woman he loves - both of whom are named Fisher - having a strange conversation in his kitchen.

Kevin's realization early in the year that Lauren Fenmore had feigned a fondness for him in order to help Paul Williams nail him was a turning point for the unstable Fisher, his relationship with his older brother and for Rikaart as well. Kevin sparing Lauren's life despite her betrayal and his determination to take his own was a stroke of genius on the scribes' part as was using this harrowing episode to reconcile the two brothers. Rikaart did an outstanding job and seemed to revel in exposing Kevin's contradictory, unpredictable nature.

Pinning a crime on Fisher - stripper Brittany Hodges' electrocution - that he didn't commit and using arrogant, incompetent long arms of the law Hank Weber and Paul Williams to trample on Kevin's civil rights with vicious relish was also a smart move because it established Kevin as an underdog, as did the graphic Blanket Party courtesy of his GC gulag roomies. Michael sobbing over his brother's thought to be dead body - before Mikey's words of inspiration miraculously revived him - was the crowning touch.

Just as impressive was the brothers' Raging Bull session, during which a hallucinating Fisher furiously pummeled Mikey while under the whacked out impression he was really attacking his abusive father. Just as Baldwin successfully calmed his hyper, traumatized brother down in the corner of the boxing ring, viewers saw a young Mikey free little Kevin from his locked closet ordeal. Powerful television.

I have already written so much - and used so many superlatives - to articulate the pleasure I felt watching Gloria Fisher and her mega-inimitable portrayer Joan Van Ark turn GC on its ear this year, I don't know what to add except that for dramatically enriching my sense of joy as a Y&R viewer by being so vividly unlike anyone who's ever been on this show, Gloria Fisher is my Best New Character of 2004.

As for Ms. Van Ark, she receives both the esteemed distinction of Best Casting Of A Female Role and the dubious one of being at the center of the Most Notorious Real-Life Soap Opera as a result of her highly publicized, (to say the least) imminent and voluntary departure from Genoa City despite being in the midst of a year long Y&R contract.

This backstage brouhaha began when it was reported that due to her dissatisfaction with the way her role was written, Van Ark had a private powwow with the powers that be during which she was supposedly told that if she didn't recite the words on the page, they'd find another actress to grace their stage as Gloria. Van Ark's former Knots Landing neighbor Donna Mills was reportedly waiting in the wings to take over the part should Joan decide to walk.

After many weeks passed to the point many of us believed things had settled down, it was suddenly announced Van Ark would be leaving the show of her own volition due to "scheduling conflicts," that despite widely circulated rumors she hadn't been a diva on the set, a successor would be sought and Mills was now only one of an ever-growing multitude of contenders.

Joan eventually released a statement explaining her decision to cut and run. The gist of it was that the daytime grind had gotten to be too much for her and that since she had strong feelings regarding how Gloria showed be played and how she should look, Joan feared she would get "burnt out."

After a casting quest in which actresses of every age, size, shape and hair color had been considered at one time or another to become as the new Mrs. Abbott - including Susan Blakely (The Towering Inferno), past Oscar nominee Valerie Perrine (Lenny), Tanya Roberts (Charlie's Angels), Mariette Hartley (probably best known for those Kodak commercials with James Garner) and soap vets Leann Hunley and Ilene Kristen - Judith Chapman (yet another soap hopper who subbed for Jess Walton's Jill Abbott in 1992) was hired to replace Van Ark and will begin airing in January.

Not helping matters is the unfortunate erroneous rumor that had made the rounds prior to Chapman being cast that Van Ark had changed her mind about leaving the show. For those of us whose business it is to report the most accurate and up to date Y&R news fit to print, the whole Is Joan Staying Or Leaving And If She's Really Going Who Will Get The Part merry-go-round was infuriatingly enervating.

While I will always respect Joan Van Ark's talent as an actress and the entertainment value she brought to Y&R as Gloria, I can't help but think her conduct in this situation has been downright flighty and unprofessional. The average Joe and Josephine who perform on daytime television know better than to expect to provide input into how their characters are written.

For the most part, soap actors are a practical, hard working bunch who do the best with the material they're given, are grateful to be employed, confer with their show's hair, make-up and wardrobe personnel about how their character should look and then let the pros do their thing with minimal fuss and honor their contracts unless they're physically prevented from doing so.

Considering how scarce plum roles for actresses over 60 are and the state of her career in recent years prior to joining Y&R, one would think Ms. Van Ark would have made the most of a great opportunity and at least stuck it out on the soap for a few more months in order to fulfill her responsibility so that fans, co-workers, and employers both present and future not reach the unavoidable conclusion that she's both a flake and a quitter.