Your purchases from Netflix help support the GCN

December 15, 2004
by Brent Kellogg

Did you feel the menacing chill? Did you see the black and ominous clouds? Did you sense the very presence of Satan himself as he laughed maniacally and tossed around bucketfuls of get out of jail cards?

That was no Satan. That was the creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair who said a number of times that getting attempted murder suspect Damon Porter out of jail on bond was going to be like pulling teeth in that the District Attorney would fight bail with every fiber of his being.

In fact, it was said that Porter was a "flight risk" and no sleepy judge in his right mind ever releases flight risks on bail.

It was rather amazing that a few hours later Porter was free and the Bug was squeaking to Porter, "There was no reason to think you were a flight risk" and by God she had told the Judge as much and Hiz Honor, fearful of the Bug's whiny sanctimonious legal knowledge, had slammed his gavel and made it so.

Better still, the Bug convinced the judge to keep the bail so low Porter was able to pay it using only his piggy bank money which, undoubtedly, he was able to mail to the court. No messing around with bail bondsmen in Genoa City. Don't you know? Don't you remember when Nina Webster jumped bail and was never charged with jumping bail? Remember when Kevin Fisher jumped bail and was never charged? Remember when bail for Nick Newman was denied and attorney John Silva said it takes two weeks to get a bail hearing appeal?

So where does that leave suspects Porter and his master of disguise sidekick Phyllis Summers? Is the case against them open and shut? Is it completely bogus as it ever was? Will there be so much as a preliminary hearing so that both sides can look at the evidence that is supposedly so damning it'll mean Porter will be banned from Genoa City for life? Will there be an expensive trial just so the Bug can put her law degree on display and make another mockery of the Genoa City justice system? Will a massive black rain of legal hellfire pour down upon Genoa City?

Nobody knows. The police investigation continues, the DA doesn't talk except through intermediaries, Summers' attorney suspects his law partner is withholding evidence and the Bug herself says, "The evidence is murky".

It's getting more confusing by the minute, isn't it? All of which may make you wonder: how many more weeks will it take? How many more days until the now blaming each other for what went wrong Porter and Summers say, whoa, damn, we are so silly and small and wrong for each other and there's another woman out there waiting for you and Jack Abbott will take me back in a heartbeat?

So we must ask, one last time: what the hell is wrong with these people? Oh wait. Maybe we should rephrase. What the hell, we should be asking, is wrong with us?

Morality of a Termite

December 13, 2004

Essential items criminal defense lawyer Christine 'Bug' Blair needs right now: hope, carefully wrought, nimble perspective and a copy of the Sears Handbook, "Get Your Law Degree in One Year" with the companion remedial video, "How I fought the Law" interview series wherein the Bug replays the dazzling and still potently mind-blowing chapter, "How To Expose Prison Wardens" to get case evidence easily obtained by merely asking nicely.

Maybe by playing it over and over again the Bug can draw more observers into her web of utter disregard for the law as "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" booms on the CD blaster loaded with copies of Danny Romalotti's one-hit wonder, "Rock On" in the background.

Maybe the Bug can fool some of the people some of the time, but she damn sure isn't going to fool all of the people all of the time if she keeps stepping in cow pies like she did last week and today.

Besides running the risk of being brought before the Wisconsin Bar on charges of impersonating a lawyer, the Bug has overloaded the collective gag reflex with enough reckless acts, enough shockingly irresponsible decisions any one of which would, by itself, offend and appall anyone with a cognitive pulse. The Bug's defiant slaps in the face of Genoa City law have become such a numbing swirl of indecipherable atrocities no one has the will to object to anymore. Just like private detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams' detecting skills - it's happening, it's unstoppable.

So why fight it? Why not just rollover and let the Bug's steamroller crush us?

Let's see: The barnacle-crusted, wild-eyed Christine Blair, she of countless unspeakable aghastedness, may have learned Monday that the age old saying is true. Be careful what you wish for because you may get it.

To wit: The obtained by duress transcript of the personal, and thought to be confidential, conversation between crime suspect Phyllis Summers and prison inmate Dominic Hughes at the Georgia State Prison shows that the Bug's former client is not guilty of anything - except gross stupidity.

Not only has the Bug stepped into another pile of crap, but she's again up to her neck in moral dilemma. The evidence makes Summers a witness who can prove Porter had motive when he allegedly tried to kill Hughes.

You may think it unfair to pull a broader message from this tiny and relatively sweet incident. You may think the Bug's innocent what shall I do now gesture does not necessarily bespeak some sort of larger truth about the justice system in Genoa City, its value system, the direction of Wisconsin as a whole, the overall hypocritical attitude of her ilk like Williams and Hank Weber or how Genoa City's peasants are enjoying at this very moment what is easily the most terrifying, ill-humored excuse for law and order in 30 years.

You would be wrong.

Because it's exactly the tiny and seemingly irrelevant details that reveal the true nature of a person, a viewpoint, a dogma, or in this case, a bug.

Sure it's easy to condemn the Bug and Weber and Michael Baldwin with their appalling arsenal of civil liberties-bashing provisions and outright displays of unconstitutional paraphernalia, the hugely increased authority of the District Attorney, careless cops and reduced rights of the accused to discuss their cases with their lawyers in private.

Sure it's easy to poke at the Bug for saying she wants to burn evidence, pretend it doesn't exist. These are large and obvious targets. The Bug making up the law as she goes along. Clueless looking soul-sucked and lifeless, drained of all intellectual balance. Michael Baldwin acting as Victor Newman's bagman; willing to fall on his sword should the great man require it. Stuffing documents down the shredder as fast as his hoofed appendages can trot while breathlessly dialing the Bug's love bunker with his nose to see if she'll squeeze him in.

But life is in the details, and while the larger atrocities can sometimes be explained away as blatantly vicious power-grabs or necessary evils in this time of extraordinary efforts to free an innocent person we must look to the small legal and moral bludgeonings for our proofs.

And here you have it.

The Bug representing the ideals of justice and law. Her gesture is merely a painful reminder, really, a very clear signal that you are absolutely correct to be suffering that deep unsettling feeling that absolutely no open-minded or otherwise constructive legal trails are being blazed by Baldwin, Blair & Associates.

No progressive ideas are being forwarded, no improved status for the unjustly accused, no sense that the city is in good hands. Let's just cover the evidence up, shall we?

"I'm tempted to burn it and pretend I haven't seen it," the Bug actually said of the transcript which pretty much says it all.

The Bug has the morality of a termite. Her moral compass is defective. She gives maggots a bad name.

Milwaukee Workers Left In Lurch

November 23, 2004

Workers in Milwaukee, Wisconsin are seething. Due to a shortage of lawyers in this city of over 500-thousand there was not a single lawyer to take their case. They searched high and low for someone to litigate a claim that their employer denied pensions when the undisclosed company went belly-up.

As a last resort on September 8 an employee representative contacted the Genoa City law office of Baldwin & Blair and without hesitation attorney Michael Baldwin took the case. On that same day Baldwin announced that his best barrister, Christine 'Bug' Blair would be handling the suit and sent Blair off to collect depositions.

Within 24-hours the Bug had completed the tedious chore but gave no details as to what strategy she planned to use in what was thought would be a massive Enron-type case her first since resigning as Genoa City's Assistant District Attorney.

Baldwin and Blair did not give specifics but the vibes were such as to resemble Blair's 1993 Rainbow Gardens case. In those harrowing days as a Legal Aid attorney, Blair tried, but failed to prevent the owner of a rodent-infested low-income housing project from turning the property into the all-new Rainbow Towers condominiums for the wealthy.

When more than twenty elderly tenants were subsequently forced to find new housing the Bug was distraught.

"I don't know how this could have happened. I don't know what went wrong," the Bug squealed, then, in a stunning statement that went down into the annals of history said, "I know the law and I will not abandon my clients."

In November that year Blair won a major decision when she proved to the courts that land the Rainbow Towers had been built on was a historical landmark and that the original building on the property had been erected by a man named Phillip Chancellor of Chancellor Industries fame. As a result the court ordered that the old apartment building could not be torn down and ordered renovations.

Oozing with pride, Blair said, "I told them [tenants] I wouldn't let anything happen and I kept my word. Let this be a lesson to anyone else who tries to me with me. I take my job seriously. I'm invincible. God was on my side."

While the Bug's victory is commendable it doesn't explain why she has seemingly abandoned her Milwaukee clients by taking on the notable Porter/Summers lawsuit unless, in the Bug's grape-sized brain, she's sees murder conspiracy proceedings as more important to her ego and notoriety.

Never Fear, The Bug Is Here!

November 22, 2004

Is this how bad it gets? Is the Weber Hell inner sanctum open 24/7? Because if nobody knew better police detective Hank 'KGB' Weber's little dog and pony show on Monday gave cause for one to think this might be a sufficient dosage of sticky tackiness for anyone to endure.

Deep inside the God Have Mercy Medical Center Weber was going over plaintiff Dominic Hughes' statement in which it is alleged that Genoa City notorieties Phyllis Summers and Damon Porter lured the ex-con all the way to Wisconsin to kill him when they could have easily snuffed him out in Georgia.

Asked if he actually believed Summers when she told him Porter wanted to grubstake him, Hughes said a man who has been in prison for eight years like he has is inclined to take people at their word. Then, in practically the same breath, Hughes said he'd be crazy to see Porter again in so much as Porter wanted him to remain behind bars.

But that's exactly what Hughes did because he said the hot looking redhead "snowed" him.

Before Weber could maybe say, "Listen, fool. You story doesn't fly. I've got zero evidence to pin anything on my suspects and I'll be laughed out of town if I take this case to the DA, so why don't you count your blessings? Since it's almost Thanksgiving be thankful Porter didn't slice your head off with that Samurai sword, accept that your going back to prison for being a felon in possession of a handgun and leave it at that," he was interrupted when Porter just strolled into the room to ask how long he was going to listen to Hughes' lies.

Again, Weber did not say, "What are you doing here, or, guard, get this man out of my sight."

Instead, Weber listened intently as Porter spewed an ever-increasing list of lies and misinformation and deeply, colon-clenchingly humiliating wrongness calling Hughes a "parole violator" when it hasn't been proven yet that Hughes did anything, and saying that Hughes attempted to "rape" Summers at gunpoint when he didn't come close to raping anything but this badly written mini-drama.

Porter assumed that because he and Summers are these pillars of society that their word is law. What they said happened at that seedy motel is the only way it went down so Weber should just believe it.

But Weber knew all that. He knew the story inside out much like a child of four can recite Dick and Jane yet incredibly he said what confuses him the most is what led up to the altercation.

"I told you!" Hughes spat, as if to say, "Haven't you been paying attention? We've told you this simple story a hundred times. Why can't you get it?" Why does it matter what led up to it? Those bastards tried to kill me. Lock their asses up!"

When Weber suddenly remembered that he'd threatened Porter and Summers with conspiracy to commit murderer it finally dawned on him that if he didn't have a case before he surely doesn't have one now since he'd discussed details of it with Porter. In addition, Weber suddenly recalled that while Hughes is the plaintiff he's going to be charged with a parole violation. Thus, before Weber can discuss the case further all parties must have legal representation regardless of the fact both men declined.

Right on cue the very creepy, Christine 'Bug' Blair slithered under the door with Summers to announce that she will be representing Porter and Summers and generally be, once again, a lawmongering drone as evidenced by her snarling, "What's going on here?" when she saw Weber.

Isn't that cute? Wasn't it pathetic that Bug couldn't simply say in a nice, respectable tone, if you want to question my clients you'll have to go through me from now on?

While it's true that Weber has a habit of interrogating suspects and walking all over their rights and would probably lock everybody he doesn't like up if this weren't still America, the Bug had no business flaring her antennae and acting like a pesky evil pip-squeak tyrant.

Since Weber has no case and hasn't solved a case and never will solve a case the Bug should have merely rounded up her clients and taken them as far away from Weber as possible. But no. The Bug has an axe to grind. She hasn't forgotten how Weber tried to pin the murder of Izzy Williams on her and generally bungled that case in that Williams wasn't really dead and Weber might have known that had he bothered to find out why Victor Newman stashed Otis Ellwood in a Montana cabin.

Her spewing over, the Bug slithered off leaving Porter and Summers with one clearly specific instruction. Do not, repeat, do not discuss the case with any cop without the Bug present.

It'll be interesting to see how many days elapse before one or the other sings like Sharon Newman did in the Cameron Kirsten affair.

And you know they'll do something more stupid than they've done already. You know this because Summers and Porter are scared to death. This needs to be repeated, over and over again, because they love to trot out fear as some sort of justification signifying that to be afraid is to be savaged like rabid feral swine attacking a rutabaga.

Lest there be any doubt Summers said again on Monday, "I have a bad feeling right now."

And bad feelings she should have given that the Bug is no Johnny Cochran. The Bug at best can only handle Legal Aid cases and poorly at that.

For those who didn't catch it the first time it came flying out of Summers' mouth she said it again.

"Being innocent doesn't guarantee you'll go free."

Yes, Ms. Summers. We've heard it before. We know that when the government wants to put you away for something you didn't do by all that is evil they'll damn well do it. Ask any number of death row inmates. Ask any of the thousands rotting in prison for possession of small amounts of marijuana while the more deadly drugs like Vioxx are being sold legally by pharmaceutical companies.

If she wants, the Bug could put an end to this counterfeit terrorism fear with one wave of her claw. Tell Weber what the whole world knows. The Summers/Porter case is two against just barely one. No jury would ever take the word of an ex-con over two upstanding members of the community. Tell Weber to take his dog and pony show somewhere else so that we can move along to the more important, somewhat believable issues at hand.

Law Bug Turns Down Silly Case!

November 16, 2004

It didn't take long to find out who police detective Hank 'KGB' Weber's reliable sources are, or rather, is. Once thought to be super-secret the source is none other than alleged crime victim himself Dominic Hughes.

From his hospital room Hughes revealed Tuesday that he filed a police complaint against Phyllis Summers and Damon Porter charging them with attempted murder following the slice and dice incident last week in which Hughes was nearly chopped into tiny pieces and Porter was left with a gunshot wound.

Sticking to Weber's script, Hughes said the two gang bangers lured him all the way to Genoa City from Georgia so that they could kill him as part of Porter's longtime vendetta seeking revenge for the death of his son.

While Weber was careful not to give up his sources Hughes had no problem telling Summers in person when, dressed as a doctor, she slipped past a cop posted outside his room to tell Hughes "we should have killed you when we had the chance."

Convinced that police have bought into his story Hughes told Summers that if he were her he'd be very scared because - like all evildoers in this city - Summers and Porter "are going down."

In full blown bluff mode Summers let Hughes know that she and Porter have "hard evidence" to prove that he's lying and that she has very connected people working on her behalf. Furthermore, if Hughes knows what's good for him he better fess up. If he doesn't Hughes will be the one going down.

Assuming that he'll be sent back to prison for being a felon in possession of a hand gun, Hughes said he has nothing to lose while the gang bangers face a prison sentence if they're convicted. All the more reason, Summers asserted, that Hughes should be very afraid since that would make her a very "dangerous" woman.

Anticipating that she may be charged at any moment and should have a lawyer in her corner, Summers sped over the the Athletic Supporter where she just happened to know that criminal defense lawyer Christine 'Bug' Blair was having breakfast alone. After sputtering that she's again in deep legal crap Summers asked the Bug to represent her.

Noting that the case is pointless, makes no sense at all and at best would be one of he said she said, the Bug refused to take the case.

Milwaukee Workers Hire GC Law Firm
September 8, 2004

A congressional inquiry into the bilking of employees by Enron couldn't bring back their life savings but as sure as there's a lone crusader Bug slithering along the streets of Genoa City one thing is certain: workers denied their pensions when a Milwaukee company went belly-up will collect every dime.

Such was the general consensus this week when attorney Michael Baldwin announced his office has taken the case and that the very creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair will lead the charge in the name of justice for all.

Her first law case since resigning as the City's Assistant District Attorney, Blair was to leave town immediately for Milwaukee where she plans to collect depositions from those wronged.

Baldwin and Blair did not give specifics about the case but vibes began bouncing off the walls that the case could resemble Blair's 1993 Rainbow Gardens case. In those harrowing days as a Legal Aid attorney, Blair tried, but failed to prevent the owner of a rodent-infested low-income housing project from turning the property into the all-new Rainbow Towers condominiums for the wealthy. More than twenty elderly tenants were subsequently forced to find new housing.

On that cold October day when the court ruled that the owner of just about anything can do what he/she pleases with their property the Bug was overwhelmed.

"I don't know how this could have happened. I don't know what went wrong," the Bug squealed and then, in a stunning statement that went down into the annals of Genoa City time said, "I know the law and I will not abandon my clients."

The statement came at a time when clueless private investigator Paul Williams had just joined the crusade and notified Blair of his intent to move to New York. In love with Williams, Blair said that she would go with him until he reminded her that more important than sharing a life with him was her commitment to the old timers at the Rainbow Gardens. Moreover, Williams said that Blair's legal career was a stake.

In November that year Blair won a major decision when she proved to the courts that land the Rainbow Towers had been built on was a historical landmark and that the original building on the property had been erected by a man named Chancellor.

It wasn't just any Chancellor, but rather the relatives of the deceased Phillip Chancellor of Chancellor Industries fame. As a result the court ordered that the old apartment building could not be torn down and ordered renovations. Additionally, the owner of the property was ordered to live in one of the apartments so as to experience what it's like living in filth. Howard Podge did not spend so much as an hour on the property, however.

Oozing with pride, Blair said, "I told them [tenants] I wouldn't let anything happen and I kept my word. Let this be a lesson to anyone else who tries to me with me. I take my job seriously. I'm invincible. God was on my side."

Bug Seals Deal, 3 Studs Corralled!
August 19, 2004

The gauntlet has been thrown down and although he's said before that he's ready to run with it, private investigator Paul 'Clueless' Williams made it official this week. He will merge his detective and alarm company into the law firm of Baldwin & Blair-Williams.

A company name change was not mentioned as part of the deal as Baldwin & Williams-Blair & Williams might not fit on the stationary, business cards and brass nameplates, however.

The deal was struck late Thursday night at Williams' office where he shared Chinese takeout with "between jobs" lawyer Christine 'Bug' Blair, who represents attorney Michael Baldwin's interest in the merger.

"Mr. Williams gets the cheap space he needs and we get our own private investigator. It's a win-win for all of us," the Bug said.

There was no immediate word as to what will happen to William's long-time office manager, Lynne 'Yes-Boss' Bassett.

The Bug did express some resentment of the fact that Williams has for several years taken cases for which he charges no fees. She suggested that until the move is complete Williams might want to charge double for the extra hours he's pouring into the Joshua Casein case. Told that the case is also a freebie the Bug questioned Williams ability to pay rent but then intimated that since the PI has no visible means of income she would gladly pay his fair share in exchange for what was termed 'special rates' to be charged in the event they'll ever be able to find anything for the PI to do. More importantly, Williams' will act as the Bug's personal lap dog.

"Admit it! You'd love to be stuck in an office with me all day," the Bug smirked, pleased that for the first time she'll have three former studs in her stable at the same time.

"Keep your enemies close, but your ex-husbands closer," the Bug squealed, a reference to her first husband, washed-up rock star Danny Romalotti presently on his way to New York following a "charity event" in Texas for discussions with an agent to discuss an upcoming tour in Canada, Williams himself whom the Bug divorced after catching him with a woman sent to destroy the marriage by Baldwin, and Baldwin too who almost married the Bug and has long been infatuated with the critter.

To further complicate the strange circle of bedfellows, Williams recently harassed Baldwin's brother like a Gestapo agent hounds Polish Jews and was once married to the woman Baldwin now seems to think is his girl, Lauren Fenmore. Fenmore on the other hand considers Williams her man and Baldwin's brother, Kevin Fisher thinks Fenmore can learn to love him.

Is It Okay to Hate the Bug?
July 6, 2004

More than enough has been written about the teenager who learns that his daddy isn't really his daddy and how the woman he now lives with played God with his life. But the Daniel Romalotti story wouldn't be complete unless it contained the denials of those who told the biggest lies.

Confronted Tuesday with the truth it was as if Danny Romalotti had been stabbed in the heart with a gold spike. Where was Daniel coming from? What deceit had his mother laid on him this time? What right did Phyllis Abbott have telling her son the truth? No, damn it, she hadn't told Daniel everything. She didn't tell how she had broken up a marriage by spiking his drink. She didn't tell how she had altered birth records to make it appear that he had sired her baby or that he never questioned his ability to get an erection that night while drugged out of his mind.

All that mattered was that once the deed had been done Danny took Phyllis' word for it that the baby was his. And since he had fallen in love with the child he divorced his wife and married Phyllis without question. While the fact remains that he never told the truth, Danny said it was justifiable because he couldn't see Daniel being raised by someone as untrustworthy as his own mother.

So don't be going around saying I'm not your Pa, Daniel, "I am and I always will be," Danny said.

After the gods had thanked him for not saying "in the only way that matters" Danny tried convincing his "son" that the truth hasn't changed anything and that Daniel should just, um, move on with his life as if nothing had happened.

But no, being told your father isn't really your father isn't something you can just sweep under the carpet. There is much rage that needs to be gotten out. Daniel hasn't even started yet. He needs time to figure out how he'll direct that rage.

While Daniel thought, his mother was at Christine 'Bug' Blair's love bunker telling the slimy creature that she had come late at night to discuss her son. But suddenly Phyllis became confused. Where was Danny? He's the one she really wanted to talk to about the "magical" evening with Daniel. Nothing is more magical than telling a boy that after sixteen years his father is not really his father.

Told she'd have to settle for the Bug, Phyllis spilled the beans. She had kept her promise of telling Daniel the truth and now she was worried Danny might be upset.

"How could you be so cruel?" the Bug spat. Had Phyllis forgotten the Bug credo? Did she not know damn well that in Genoa City the last thing anyone should do is tell the truth? And so what if Daniel had said that he wanted to know the truth? Lots of kids want lots of things. That doesn't mean adults should give them what they want. Didn't Phyllis know that?

All Phyllis knew was that Daniel wouldn't have met with her had she not promised to tell the truth. That's why she did it.

"It's all about you again," the Bug hissed, wondering if Phyllis had given any thought to what impact telling the truth might have had on the boy.

Sadly, Phyllis didn't squash the critter right then and there. She didn't slap that smug bug mug up one side, down another and halfway across Genoa City. She didn't say, "Listen, you albino bitch. You think it's cute that babies don't grow up knowing their mothers?"

Phyllis didn't give the slime a good lecture on morality or say that while the Bug may have thought it was cool, dumping a child on its grandparents and pretending the boy doesn't exist, is wrong. She didn't tell the morally bankrupt slut who sleeps with married men that if anyone hurt Daniel, it was the Bug and that greasy spoon she rides in her bedroom. For the critter and Danny to spin the truth and place the blame elsewhere for their despicable acts was nothing short of the controlling, self-absorbed self-righteousness only the Bug and her puppets can spew.

The Bug has for too long preached and growled and performed more manic movements per square foot than a convention of rabid toads. The Bug claims to speak for many of the deeply misguided as they wave their flags and blindly support her and ignore the appalled reaction. To say that telling the truth is "cruel" is like striking up the band and launching some missiles and saying it's for the good under God.

And just across the aisle like a quivering mass of timid Jell-O sits an emasculated and depressingly spineless Danny Romalotti, shoulders slumped and looking at his shoes, trying to remain viable and righteous as he toes the Bug's line.

Phyllis did, however, warn that should the Bug or Danny meddle again she will not be responsible for what happens like, maybe a rental car mowing them down as they're crossing the street. Oh how nice it would be watching Phyllis unleash her hate. Of course hate is too strong a word. You should not hate anyone. Especially not creepy, crawly Bugs and sissy boys who are striving to justify lies.

Look, there they are, trying so hard. Especially the Bug. Look at that earnest, constipated, caught-in-the-headlights expression. Trying trying trying. Please do not hate her.

Bug in Line to Handle Newman Case
June 17, 2004

How about this suggestion? Let's put the creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair's ugly face on the dime? Or on the $3 bill? Think that would please her holiness? Probably not. Knowing the Bug she'd only be satisfied if her face was plastered on Mount Rushmore.

Why is this even being considered you might ask?

Because the Bug is right now in line to become Victor Newman's lawyer in the custody battle you know will only be resolved in a court of law.

It's true! You can tell by the way Ashley and Brad Carlton keep going around and around that they must only have what's best for their darling daughter, Abby. What's best in Genoa City rarely involves both parents when one has stolen the other's sperm and the unsuspecting donor wants only visitation rights.

Newman made it clear this week. He doesn't want custody. All he wants is to see his "biological" daughter. Is that too much to ask?

For Carlton, the answer is yes. It's too much for her to handle all at once. She doesn't like it when Newman finds her daughter out on the town with the live-in family house squatter PainMe Johnson giving her sugar fixes and taking advantage of the situation by actually chatting with the rapidly aged 6-year-old. For Newman to have done that was "crossing the line" and by god, there shall be no line crossing without her permission. Or, at least until the "experts" have evaluated the child even though Abby has been told repeatedly that she's a "smart" little girl, advanced beyond her years, much like Cassie Newman.

Newman will have his time with the kid when the time is right Carlton snarls, and the right time is not now. Newman does not love Abby like her husband does she bitches vaguely, and with lack of nuanced understanding that she's lucky Newman hasn't slapped a paternity suit on her sorry ass before now.

How dare Carlton steal sperm, secretly have a baby, lie about its paternity and then deny the father visitation when had it not been for Newman she'd still be lost in a fugue state, clutching blue blankets and generally making a fool of herself? Has this woman no shame? Is Ashley Carlton not the least articulate least intelligent least educated least attuned least locally respected woman who now stumbles though Genoa City with a smirky pseudo-swagger oinking like a pig that she will decide who gets what and when?

Thankfully, it appears, Newman isn't going to hold Carlton's hand this time around. He's not going to coo and whisper how much she'll always mean to him and that he'll always be there for her.

This time is looks as if Newman is ready to take legal action.

Unfortunately, for those who want nothing more than to see the Carltons die a slow and painful death and get everything that's coming to them or at least knocked down a few pegs because they are just so damn annoying, watching the Carltons go down in flames will require the services of the Bug.

Noting that he's been left with "no choice but to consult with an attorney regarding my parental rights" Newman met earlier with Blair and learned that the Bug is now just sort of drifting and waiting for something to drop into her craw like, a law case!

"You're a force to be reckoned with," Newman told the critter, hinting that he may be in need of her law knowledge soon.

Pity the Carltons when they find out they're on the verge of being attacked by a giant marauding bug! When that happens they better throw in the towel. There is no way they can win. The Bug doesn't lose in court. It'll be a bloodbath.

As much as the Bug is hated her detractors will be cheering. The one thing worse than a creepy crawling law bug is a cruel and stupid lizard like Carlton and her dumb as a stump husband. Go get 'em. Christine!

Work Too Demanding, Bug Quits!
June 1, 2004

When we last checked on the creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair it was thought that just once she'd go into the office to spend at least an hour on the job she was handed on a silver platter. It was thought the Bug might deliver the evidence said to free Kevin Fisher and despite all the grandstanding some good might come of another dog and pony show by the almost universally loathed and resented Bug.

But we should have known the Bug wouldn't leave her love bunker. We should have known that she would summon her boss to the bunker and that the always faithful District Attorney Glenn Richards would do as his employees tell him to do.

And as one might expect, when Richards said he had come as soon as he had received the Bug's message, the Bug asked, "do you have time to talk now?"

Silly creature. Why didn't she know that the reason Richards had zoomed right over was because he didn't have time to talk? Forget about using the telephone, Richards was there so instead of wasting time with stupid questions the Bug should have gotten right to the point.

Finally, the Bug blurt out that she had evidence proving Fisher could not have harmed Brittany Hodges the night the "singer" was electrocuted while emulating sex with a pole at the local strip tease. Asked if she had checked out the information rather than taking it at face value, the Bug said, no, adding that her sources are very reliable and thus don't need checking out.

Furthermore and in conclusion, the Bug wanted Richards to cut Fisher a break.

Richards was aghast and seemingly ready to admit that the Bug is one lazy caped crusader. Did she not know that instead of being a smirking aww-shucks born-again simpleton she constantly appears to be, the one who sits back and lets her henchmen do all the dirty work and all the complex thinking while she lets Danny Romalotti massage her ego that she might have been smart enough to get the source of the information to swear to it in a deposition?

Did the Bug not know that she could call a Grand Jury if necessary, call in the witnesses? Maybe act like a prosecutor for once?

The indignant and self-righteous, arrogant Bug wrung her claws and began squirming. Come to find out handling one insignificant case was more than she could bare. As someone whose power base is threatened and yet who is still blindly forcing Genoa City down a nightmare path she had reached the conclusion that her job as an Assistant District Attorney - or whatever outrageous title they had given her - was done.

"I thought I was doing better," the Bug sniveled before blurting out, "I quit."

Richards should have said, "Damn! So this is how you pay back a city that went out of its way to hire you? You handle one case and then throw up your claws? To hell with you. We didn't need you anyway. We were doing just fine before you came along. If you go back into private practice God help your clients. They'll never know when you might drop them half way through their cases."

But no, Richards had to get down on his knee pads in praise of the critter.

"You're a fine lawyer. It'll be a pleasure to be in the same courtroom with you no matter which side of the room you're on," he brayed like a donkey in heat.

As Richard departed the Bug stood there, face scrunched, eyes clenched, claws balled up like she was clinging to the last Valium on Earth, soul shriveled into a tiny green speck of bile with that blank stare like she was sitting on the red-hot poker of divine enlightenment.

One can only speculate where the Bug goes from here and you know it won't be down the toilet in a swirl of pulpy chemical fibers like one of those Clorox Toilet Wands. The Bug is customizable. She can force-fit herself into whatever narrow little channel of bilious self-righteousness she wants.

Given her history, it would come as no surprise to see the Bug resurface as Michael Baldwin's law partner so that former husband Paul Williams can throw more fits and rant what a "bastard" Baldwin is.

Or, maybe the Bug will pull her mop-head hair back tight and play the role of a poor beleaguered housewife, struggling like a haggard dog through an array of thankless fights over the son she wishes were hers.

Bitter Pills
May 31, 2004

Did you know antidepressant usage in Genoa City, and probably among tightly wound women in particular, is nearly twice the national average which is already staggeringly high to begin with? Think about it: You know Sharon Newman is popping pills. Ashley Carlton must be taking something. Surely, one visit with Victor Newman didn't cure her, did it? Did you know Olivia Winters is advising her sister about the dangers of a disease or ailment or whatever the hell it is that Dru Winters doesn't even have? What drug is Olivia taking? Did you hear Danny Romalotti say that he can't control what his 16-year-old "son" does? And that if Daniel Romalotti wants to go back to Switzerland there's nothing he can do about it? What pill is he taking?

What pill is private investigator Paul 'Clueless' Williams taking? Hasn't he already been to the creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair's love bunker twice already to ask if the critter will be so gracious as to put in a kind word for him with the District Attorney? Did he not hear the Bug say twice that she'd think about it?

So why was Clueless back at the bunker again on Monday asking the Bug to help him get Kevin Fisher out of Genoa City's version of Abu Ghraib? Really, it's true. Clueless said that Fisher was so worried he'd be given another blanket party, or something worse, if he went back to the jail he tried to commit suicide.

Always one to brag how she knows the law like the back of her claw the Bug did not tell Clueless he should contact Fisher's lawyer. Depending on his skill as a defense attorney, Michael Baldwin might seek a medical opinion which could keep Fisher in the hospital. As a matter of fact, since she was on the subject the Bug didn't tell Romalotti that kids can't come and go as they please at sixteen. Unless, of course, they are named Colleen Carlton.

And for the third time Clueless told the Bug there is evidence to prove Fisher didn't do what he's charged with and shouldn't be detained at all. Except that detaining persons and taking away their freedoms is the new American way, this is a given. It cannot be denied.

You might think that a weasel-like PI with Clueless' track record would have run straight to the DA himself rather than crawling on his knees before the Holy Bug. But again, you'd be wrong.

Clueless was again told that while no promises could be made the Bug will run this word of new evidence past the DA. With any luck Fisher will be granted bail - even though he previously jumped bail.

Try not to openly laugh or gasp aloud or faint outright at the utter absurdity and hilarity of it all, at the appalling gall, at the direct insult to, once again, your common sense, when the Bug tells DA Glenn Richards, and you know she will, that there is new evidence. When Richards burps that somebody like police detective Hank 'KGB' Weber "is messing with the facts" the Bug will tell her employer to get off his ass because "it's your job to find out."

The Bug will get away with this because she's the low one on the short list of lackey lawyers employed by the City. She can bark at the boss and order him around without fear of retribution because she's getting tired of working so hard. Never mind that she's never been seen at the DA's office, the Bug says that when she was in private practice she managed her time better. But now that she's never done much more than help Victor Newman get a nice, cushy probation, there are not enough hours in the day for her to do much more than slither around the bunker cooking meals for her newfound family.

"It's frustrating," the Bug actually said, of her long hours prosecuting people. Gosh, when she was a defense attorney things were so different.

What pill is she taking? Oh wait. She's high on herself.

Totally unaware that the Bug rarely leaves the bunker, Danny Romalotti asked if the DA is giving her "trying moments?" God forbid anyone try ordering the Bug around. Does the Bug not know that Richards is an elected official? That it is his duty to defend victims like Brittany Hodges? That slugs like Fisher don't get free legal representation works for Romalotti and therefore the Bug should not be concerned.

This was Romalotti's pressing message; one that apparently means we're suppose to forget what a creep the Bug is. We're suppose to feel sorry that the slime is having a difficult time prosecuting one case much less two and one that her friends now see as the rights of an innocent person being trampled.

Like getting used to a bad smell it's time to simply accept all the miserably unpredictable legal procedures. Time to be very glad we aren't one of the many inexplicably detained prisoners some of who have never been seen again. Can you say Tricia Dennison? Izzy Williams? Is Nate Hastings on the list?

The Bug/Clueless crusade is just something we watch now, something we're stuck with like a slow-moving colon disease. Everyone pretty much understands that we're expected to dance in the streets and throw flowers when thanks to the Bug, it is Clueless who comes out of this pile of crap smelling like a rose.

What pill are we taking?

The crusade to free Fisher is our bitter horse-pill we're suppose to swallow without question and without hesitation, despite how underneath it all we're suffering.

Law & Disorder
April 15, 2004

And then there's the one about the smirky throw the book at 'em-happy justice-drunk Genoa City District Attorney Glenn Richards who shrugged off the disdain of pretty much the entire city and humiliated its citizens on a global scale when he let Diane Jenkins get away with arson and attempted murder because there was no real proof of serious wrongdoing and for no justifiable reason except for the power rush it gives him and the face-saving faux-macho pride, and the power.

This is the guy. This is the DA who cares not a whit that a local PI is running rampant through the town, entrapping suspects, trying to get them to confess to crimes they may not have committed, who showed up this week without so much as calling first at the bunker where Christine 'Bug' Blair presently picks dried feces out of Danny Romalotti's butt hair, to ask "what are you doing here?" when he saw local shyster Michael Baldwin.

The question should not have been what was Baldwin doing there, but what was Richards doing there? Better yet, why was the Bug there? Does this critter never work at the office? Has there ever been a day when the crusader for law and order has been seen at the District Attorney's Office?

Had it been asked by anyone else, Richards' question would have been a good one. What was Baldwin doing there? Why was he asking the Bug again to delay a criminal court proceeding? Does he think the creature is a judge or that she's anything more than an underpaid, lowly assistant DA? Sure, she was once confused with being the State's Assistant DA, but there is a world of difference none of which equals such power that she can move the wheels of justice. Spin them maybe, but not move.

That was Baldwin's request. Delay his half-brothers hearing in the hope that Kevin Fisher will return in time so as not to be adjudicated what he's already been labeled, "A bail jumper." Delay the hearing so that Baldwin might actually get off his ass and examine the evidence the cops think they have against his client. Better yet, Baldwin should remove himself from this case because so far, as a lawyer, he's inept.

"I can't do anything about a bail jumper. You know that," Blair hissed, causing a collective gasp to fall over the city. What? The almighty Bug can't do something? Shouldn't she have said, "If you're talking about Victor Newman, why yes, what would you like done?"

For those following the Bug's career it's a given. She can do as she pleases. It's not that she can't help Baldwin, but rather she doesn't want to help Baldwin. And unless your client can in some way boost the Bug's political career don't even think about asking her to ask if she'll talk to her boss on your behalf. She won't. She's a crusader for justice and the Genoa City way. Remember?

And for those that thrive on hypocrisy it was a super-rush watching the smirky squinty blank-eyed Bug with a big red X over her face tell Baldwin that she's in enough trouble already for allowing Fisher to post bail. Like she could have prevented it? When did this slime become a sleepy judge? Is there a special Constitution written just for criminal suspects in Genoa City where it says that pukes like the Bug get to say who can and can't be granted bail?

But enough with the bit players. Have we seen this sort of thing before? This kind of illogical questioning posed by the wrong people? This apparent mix up in scripts when Richards asked Baldwin why he couldn't have just called on the phone and thereby have prevented the obvious conflict the interest the Bug is now in - again?

"You could have called and heard 'no' on the phone," Richards oozed, and DUH. I guess I could have called on the phone too given that it's dinner time and the Bug appears to be cooking rat bait for her new, ready-made family. As for the appearance of impropriety and the fact that Fisher's case has become so tainted only a judge in Florida would hear it now, Richards did not care. He did not remove the Bug from the case because, low and behold, Fisher's preliminary hearing is tomorrow. Did anyone tell Fisher? Probably not.

"That's okay Miss Blair. You go right ahead and serve justice. You waltz right into the courtroom tomorrow without feeling like the dirty slug you are. And if Fisher isn't there throw the book at him because that's what judges do but I'm reading the wrong script," Richards did not actually say but may as well had.

Which brings us to all the other astoundingly coincidental shrill alarmist rhetoric that, every single time, just so happen to be conveniently timed for just when the Bug is prancing most precariously in the glaring light of general idiocy and ratings slippage.

Victor Newman can't leave town because he's on probation. Those who heard Sharon Newman utter this line on Thursday vomited so much Wal-Mart had to reorder a boat load of industrial strength barf-bags.

As anyone following this mess knows too well, the judge never ordered that Newman not be allowed to leave town. Convicted killers on probation right now are free to come and go as they please. If they are so inclined as to let their probation officers know in advance that they are leaving town, they only need do so and so long as they do not commit any crime they are not encumbered by ridiculous babbling the likes of a rocks in her head murdering slut.

Jesus with a riding crop. It's been months since Newman was ordered to perform community service yet he hasn't so much as picked a cigarette butt out of the gutter because he gets to pick and choose which service he'll perform and he hasn't decided yet. You think the court will give a crap if he leaves town, Sharon? Silly bitch. You better go see Cameron Kirsten's dead body. It might do you some good. It'll be hard, but don't have sex with the corpse. You know you want to, okay?

This just in: A federal appeals court just decided that Arkansas officials can use drugs to render an insane murderer sane enough to execute. Finally, something the Bug can cheer about. Just like Genoa City, eh, Glenn? When life was easy and killing them crimnulz was just a flipped switch away? When all you had to deal with were a few dozen ragtag protesters outside the prison, decrying your love of killin' in the name of the state. Shoot. Life sure was simpler then. Damn Constitution. Always in the way. Throw the book at 'em.

Such Efficiency, Creepy Bug Has Income Tax Refund!
March 17, 2004

There is there something inherently creepy about a woman who has been raped by a man to keep the man's bathrobe in her home. When that woman has not yet instructed the man to come get the junk he left behind along with a foot note telling him not to bother knocking, the junk will be outside the front door, the woman can be none other than Genoa City's very own Christine 'Bug' Blair.

And so it was this week while puttering around in her underground love bunker the Bug came across old receipts she figured private investigator Paul 'Clueless' Williams would need to prepare his 2003 tax return. Since she, the all-knowing all-everything great crusader for law and order had already submitted her return - both State and Federal - the slimy Bug felt a gnawing need under her extremities to rush the receipts right over to Williams so that she could gloat. Not only had she sent in her returns, but she had already received a refund check in the mail!

For such an organized bug it was somewhat disconcerting that Blair hadn't filed electronically or had the refund deposited electronically to her bank account. It was also of great interest to note that an Assistant Attorney General making large sums of money even got a refund when average married couples without children making less than $40,000 annually are having to pay. Of course, the Bug could have qualified under the less tax for the wealthy Tax Reform Act of 2002.

Prosecutor did nothing wrong
January 23, 2004

There has been much criticism about Genoa City Assistant Attorney General Christine 'Big' Blair's bad habit of speaking with a defendant in a criminal case without the defendant's attorney present. Blair recently obtained a taped confession from Victor Newman this way.

Opponents say that allowing prosecutors to engage in such conduct violate defendants right to due process and attorneys using the tactic should face disbarment.

But the Genoa City News has learned that there's nothing illegal or unethical about the practice which has been routinely carried out with the Justice Department's blessing since 1989. When Congress passed a law ending the ploy the Justice Department worked hard to kill it.

For all the wealth and power he has Newman never once sought the advice of a criminal defense attorney. Placing trust in his pal and former employee paid off. Newman revealed late this week that Blair will withhold his confession so long as he pleads guilty to the State's charges against him. While no promises were made, Newman expects to get off with a slap on the wrist and should the Justice Department come after him, take his chances that a judge will impose the double jeopardy rule.

The withholding of discovery material has raised impropriety eyebrows too. Can a prosecutor do this?

The Supreme Court has ruled that if a prosecutor improperly withholds discovery material, a conviction should be reversed only if the verdict would have been different had that material been known. Over the past decade, prosecutors have intentionally withheld discovery evidence in hundreds of cases, but only in extreme cases have verdicts been overturned or lawyers sanctioned.

Cricket Blair for the prosecution
January 13, 2004

Way back in 1985 when the Genoa City News first assigned the nickname 'Bug' to Cricket Blair the Jabot Cosmetics teen model had no idea it would stick. The name was chosen because crickets are noisy little bugs, can be quite troublesome and annoying and Blair was rapidly becoming an obnoxious creepy crawler.

In 1995 for example, as she lay in a God Have Mercy Medical Center bed recovering from a failed attempt by Phyllis Summers to squash her big time, the Bug opened its eyes, saw Dr. Olivia Winters hovering over her, could plainly hear the loud monitoring equipment going beep, beep, beep, yet had to ask, "Where am I?"

Even when the Bug noticed the blood on her claw had not be washed off by the hospital staff, she still had to be told that she and detective Paul 'Clueless' Williams had been in an accident and were in the hospital. Still groggy, the Bug demanded to be taken to see Clueless and was not at all shocked to learn from the witchdoctor that Clueless' internal bleeding "has stopped for now" but could restart at any time. Why surgery hadn't been performed to stop the bleeding was of no concern.

Still covered in blood, Clueless began coming around. The movement sent the Bug into a terrible acting tizzy. She moaned and groaned how Clueless had saved her life and called him "the most incredible man" she had ever known.

Also in the room at the time was Mary Williams. The old woman hated the Bug in those days and didn't even ask how she was doing when the Bug slithered in. In the hallway later, the Bug told Mary, "Your son is an incredible man."

The Bug did not know at the time that Clueless wouldn't be so incredible in bed. He was rendered impotent.

The list of creepy things the Bug has said and done over the years could fill a ten-pack of 650MB recordable CDs. The 25 discpak on what the Bug has said she knows about the law notwithstanding.

Ironically, in 1995 Danny Romalotti said he was sure the Bug still loved him even after she had kicked his sissy ass to the curb. "It's destiny," Romalotti said at the time and almost said it again this week when the Bug summoned him to say she needed a friendly face to look at.

Sensing the Bug was having a bad day, Romalotti asked if by becoming a city prosecutor she may have bitten off more than she can gnaw on.

"It's a challenge," the creature hissed, causing Romalotti to remind the Bug that - perhaps out of fear she'd be laughed at and humiliated - she best not tell anyone that she was once known as "Cricket Blair for the prosecution."

Regardless that Romalotti is the only one to remember the Bug was ever known as some legal force to be reckoned with, the record shows the Bug did say in 1993, "I'm the best. I'm invincible," when she got an old woman convicted of shoplifting one bottle of wine from a convenience store.

When the Bug worked on the Rainbow Gardens case she repeatedly told elderly residents facing eviction not to worry. "I know the law. The law is on my side." When she won the case a resident of the building told the Bug, "You are a natural born leader."

Hearing Blair for the prosecution caused the Bug to quip that Romalotti is/was the only one allowed to get away with saying such a thing, and for the briefest of moments recalled "all those years" she was known as "The Bug", as if her sliminess had worn off.

It hasn't.

Sure, for all the months the Bug was away in Hong Kong and Australia and wasn't poking her long beak into matters way over her head or that didn't concern her, there was a reprieve from the green-chunk hurling. But the Bug is back, creepy as ever.

This little bug-bit in the overall scheme of life in Genoa City gives one pause to wonder how powerful this Bug can be. Irresistible to men, infallible in the courts and virtually indestructible regardless of being raped, run over, and drowned in a bathtub. She always survives, only to leave devastation in her wake.

Had the GCN had any clue all those years ago as to critter's omnipotence we would have change her name to Cockroach. No matter how often she's squashed, no matter how many cans of Raid are used on this annoying insect, flip on the light and chances are good the Bug will be seen scurrying for cover.

ADA wants Newman to plead guilty
January 12, 2003

In a staggering display of disregard for the law, Genoa City Assistant District Attorney Christine 'Bug' Blair engaged in what amounted to a backroom strip search here Monday when she verbally accosted the victim of the government's latest witch hunt, Newman Enterprises CEO Victor Newman.

Free on $250,000 bond following charges he committed "commercial bribery" a perturbed and bemused and just a little furious Newman agreed to speak with Blair when she interrupted his departure from the increasingly popular Athletic Supporter bar and grill and sweat shop.

Although Blair had no business speaking with Newman at this juncture of the case and such ex parte conversation is unethical, Newman allowed Blair to put on a dog and pony show for fear ignoring her might result in his being tried in secret.

"Before we can talk I need to ask if you're represented by counsel," Blair oozed, and when Newman said that at this late date he has yet to retain a lawyer, went on to say she wanted to update him on the status of the prosecution's case.

Had Blair bothered to study law she would have known that any communication with the defendant once an arrest is made is ex parte in that Newman is not represented. Before Blair can ethically speak with Newman she must wait until the court either appoints a lawyer to the case or grants Newman permission to represent himself. Normally, this would be done at the preliminary hearing were such hearings part of the law process in Genoa City which they are not.

Newman told the creature to stop wasting taxpayer time and money on bogus law suits, but doing so only set the slimy lawbug off on a tangent about the governments desire to treat everyone equally under the law and that includes corporate criminals except maybe if the name is Enron and the top dogs at such corporations are personal friends of the Governor or Mayor - or something.

Newman's contention that only certain persons are prosecuted while others - depending on what they can offer politically - are allowed to skate fell on deaf ears. Blair continued ranting that if the shoe were on the other foot Newman would want the full benefit of the law and pumped yet another enormous and savage dose of rotting diatribe into the cultural bloodstream, by giving her classic speech on those who think they are above the law.

Weary of the lecture Newman told Blair to get to the point. It was then she asked if Newman would be willing to plead guilty. Doing so would save taxpayers money and the government embarrassment.

"Look there. See the hobbled, 86-year-old man forced to put down his cane and remove his shoes to pass through the metal detector? Terrorists are everywhere! You might be one Mr. Newman. Why not give up before we lock your ass up just because we can? No, we can't guarantee that pleading guilty will not land you in prison, but just think what a great deal we're offering you," Blair implied.

"If you take a plea your penalties will be relatively insignificant," Blair actually said, as Supreme Justice Scalia burst out laughing at the absurdity of telling a defendant charged with a misdemeanor that he'd probably go to prison but that this would be insignificant.

In so many words Newman told Blair to go straight to hell and that later, when she's soaking in the bubble bath caressing the assorted bright red welts of spankdom as incurred by her former adulterous husband, to have a chat with her conscience. An impossibility since Blair doesn't have a conscience or know what to do with one.