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Sex For a Day

December 1, 2004
by Brent Kellogg

As if more proof was needed that in Genoa City with friends like those around these parts you don't need enemies, look at Kevin Fisher. A day after the Genoa City News suggested that it's about time the little firebug started looking around for a job, damn but what he wasn't doing just that on Wednesday albeit from the warm comfort of the Newman Jitter Joint where Fisher's ass was planted firmly in a chair browsing through the want ads.

Had Fisher really, really wanted a job he might have noticed the help wanted sign on the wall long before drifter Malcolm Winters snatched the job up. Not that Fisher would have taken a lowly coffee tender job. He wants more prestigious employment like that for which he was trained; a beady-eyed bookkeeper.

As the 20-something year old Fisher so often does he was hanging out this day with his new best bud, the 16-year-old long-hair Daniel Romalotti who proudly announced that somewhere along the line he had aged and was now a hormone-raging seventeen. Quite an accomplishment for someone hatched in 1994.

Romalotti's increased age also put pressure on his small brain misleading him into assuming the persona of Kevin's father. Since Kevin had been a very bad boy by giving away their terrorist secret; confessing to Lily Winters and Mac Browning what he'd done at the Newman Wreck Center and in general disobeying all his rules, Romalotti was hereby adjudicating Fisher a "traitor".

No sooner had Fisher been scolded up one side and down the other and all but made to drop his pants and bend over daddy's knee for a good spanking, but what Romalotti pulled his Jekyll & Hyde routine.

Could Fisher fix him up with a chick?

Lord knows Romalotti hasn't had sex, well, ever, and as an aging juvenile needs to get some before it's too late. Despite his lack of sack time with the babes Romalotti is, apparently, very proud to be doing his part to prevent teen pregnancy. Until now he has unwittingly agreed not to impregnate any teens and has chosen to serve this worthy cause on a per-minute basis by generously donating his spare time and energy three times each day by participating in a very special marathon.

The Masturbate-A-Thon.

Oh stop it. You read correctly.

Just look. Look at that delicious irony. Casually do you notice that Romalotti raises awareness about the awful scourge of young pregnant teens pillaging our fine city by having the only type of sex absolutely guaranteed not to get anyone pregnant, except for maybe phone sex and chat-room sex but we're not counting those.

The irony is this: for all his stern verbiage and sanctimonious finger-wagging and parental frowning, coupled with some admittedly well-intentioned exhortations, Romalotti now has this thing that masturbation is somehow amoral and dangerous and wrong and isn't the Church still calling masturbation a sin? Not that Romalotti would know the inside of a church if one fell on his head.

Seriously, what kind of a friend is Romalotti? Who wants a pal that is constantly scolding them about the bad things they do and then asks to be fixed up with a chick so that they can perform bad sex on said chick? And not just any chick. Romalotti only has eyes for the beak-nosed Mac Browning who has just asked Fisher to help her find an apartment they can share. Again, another amazing accomplishment given that both are unemployed.

So you know, because Fisher hasn't had sex with a female during all the time we've known him and probably masturbates whenever he's not terrorizing, it won't be long until he and the virgin Mac will be doing the wild thang. This is turn will create one of those destructive love triangles much like the one between J.T. Hellstrom, Raul Guittierez and Billy Abbott unless Browning comes to her senses first.

Threats. Guilt. Sin. Fear. Don't have sex you wayward slackers but if you really must please use a condom or suffer the consequences of a baby or a very unpleasant STD, not to mention the scowling disapproval of a deeply hypocritical Daniel Romalotti, who would love nothing more than to be 17 and carefree and hormonally gluttonous again, if just for a day were he not really 10.

November 2004
SCHOOL DAZE
When Daniel Romalotti was last seen at the Bug's love bunker the creepy crawler told him he couldn't skip school that day and had better get his ass in gear or he'd be late. Keeping in mind that Daniel was taken in by the Bug to protect him from the evil forces that had become entrenched and just beyond the razor wire surrounding the Newman ponderosa tackyroom, what good did that do when Daniel was allowed to roam about at will? Why, hours later, was Daniel seen back at the God Have Mercy Medical Center with his mother who, while she asked "Why aren't you in school" made no effort to get him to school after Daniel said a friend gave him permission to skip?

How strange was it that Jack Abbott told Phyllis Summers that he'd make sure Daniel got to school but after Phyllis had time to go to her place of employment - not to actually work but so that Dru Winters could tell her an old family member thought dead was back among the living - Jack and Daniel were waiting by the elevator when Phyllis decided to leave the office? This time Daniel suggested that on their way to the Abbott Hotel Jack could drop him off at school which by the time they ever got there would have recessed for the day.

Manly Ma Saves Sissy Boy
September 24, 2004

The scene: Normal City, USA
The place: A local high school playground where two kids are arguing.

Kid1 - "My daddy can beat up your daddy."
Kid2 - "No he can't! My daddy can beat up your daddy."

The scene: Genoa City, USA
The place: A local high school playground where two kids are arguing.

Kid1 - "My daddy can beat up your daddy."
Kid2 - "Oh no he can't because my daddy is never around when I need him. But my mommy can beat up your daddy!"

That scenario foretells how it will be from now for Daniel Romalotti following Phyllis Abbott's manly display this week at the Newman ponderosa where she arranged to have drug dealer Alex return for a good scolding subsequent to Alex's near death experience there earlier at the hands of split personality Damon Porter.

For all the elaborate precautions she took, I.E.: having Michael Baldwin on speed dial from over an hour drive away, Mrs. Abbott must have received a tip between the time she left the city and arrived for her meeting with Alex that all one need do in this godforsaken town if they want someone out of their lives is to order them to leave.

Why she wasted all that time looking for a plan is anyone's guess as the get of out town card is ten times more effective then any good whooping a gorilla can inflict and has been used a number of times in the past by the likes of the Newman clan.

Victor Newman ordered Diane Jenkins out of town after she had what she thought was his bastard baby. Nick Newman ordered Frank Barrett out of town when Barrett's presence made his wife jumpy and Sharon Newman ordered Grace Turner out of town when she thought Turner might tell her daughter the truth about Cassie Newman's paternity.

The get out of town worked again this week when Abbott told Alex that unless he did as he's told she'd sic Victor Newman on him!

"He's a big man in this town. He hates drugs and drug dealers. When he finds out you're behind what happened at the wreck center he'll come after you and he'll never give up," Abbott spewed, adding for good measure that old money bags Newman is a personal friend.

In addition to leaving town Alex was ordered to stay away from Abbott's son, the sixteen-year-old mama's boy who in every sense of the word has become like his sissy so-called father. And while Daniel has no friends to speak of, Abbott warned Alex to stay away from them too, especially Lily Winters.

Abbott's deportation order also included an instruction for Alex not to be seen at the Newman Jitter Joint or anywhere all two members of the Abbott family are known to congregate. The order instantly ruled out Abbott's place of work and apparently aware that Alex could drop by Newman Enterprises any day of the week and never run into her, it was only then Abbott amended the order to include all of Genoa City.

"If I ever see you in this town again you'll be sorry," she spat, as Alex went along his merry way.

Abbott's wide-spread order also included crazy Kevin Fisher who was told to stay away from the Romalotti kid.

A major crisis at an end Abbott asked her son - who hasn't spent more than a hour at school since school began - if he'd like a ride to class.

Falling on his knees in praise a stunned and relieved Romalotti told his mother that no one had ever stood up for him like she did. Not his faux daddy and certainly not himself, the wimp boy who now has a skirt to hide behind. Daniel was so moved by his mother's manly act he even said how much he loves her which was what this farce was all about from the start.

So now Daniel is now free to move on with his mother as perfectly representative of the aggro-macho attitude in this city and no act of motherly love better symbolizes the childish and cartoonish and ultimately sad stance toward how the elite in this town view themselves as Mrs. Abbott's did today.

New Highs in Stupidity!
September 23, 2004

It's official! Genoa City has set a new high in stupidity. So high has the level soared that the Genoa City News is considering changing its format. No longer will we attempt to make any sense out of the events in Genoa City because there is none to be made.

Case in point: Phyllis Abbott.

Worried that her son will be placed in juvenile detention while there is not a chance in hell of this happening and that crazy Kevin Fisher could end up back behind bars while there is not a chance in hell of this happening, Abbott on Thursday managed to get Michael Baldwin to enable her mindless master plan.

Details of the plan remained sketchy but it was revealed that Baldwin's cellular phone number will be placed on Abbott's speed dial. Should she find that her life is in danger she will simply pressed a button and Baldwin will drop whatever he's doing - even if it means walking out of a court - and race to the Newman ponderosa where Abbott implied that such danger could be inflicted upon her.

Never mind that Baldwin, a lawyer, has no cases yet manages to keep his law practice thriving and can - in about five minutes - make the one hour journey to the ponderosa at the drop of a hat. Or, in this case, the push of a button.

For a woman so worried earlier this week that some crazed drug dealer would attempt to kill her and take the life of her son what did she do? She had her son call the heretofore hard to reach drug dealer named Alex and invite him back to the farm. Keep in mind that those living in Wisconsin will tell you there is no such thing as a ranch in that state. Remember too that after beating Alex to a pulp, Abbott's dual personality boy toy Damon Porter said that Alex had given him the slip yet Alex was just a phone call away.

Unbelievable as it may seem the battered and bruised Alex did not have the slightest reservation about going back to a place where some monster might be waiting to snuff him out. Like everyone does, Alex beamed right back to the ponderosa as if nothing had happened.

What it is Abbott has in store for Alex was not immediately known. But does it matter? Does anyone care that Daniel should be in school but hasn't shown up for class in days? Does it add to the credibility that both Abbott and Porter have jobs yet neither has been seen at work in days?

And what about Daniel's alleged father? Where has washed up rock star Danny Romalotti been while this massive tragedy has been unfolding especially at a time when his "son" had walked out of the love bunker he shares with Christine 'Bug' Blair? Who can forget that day Romalotti desperately tried locating Daniel and in the blink of an eye just gave up and left town?

As for the rocker's location, the Bug reported Thursday "he's still out on tour" and "on the fence about Genoa City with Daniel here."

Say what? When does a gig in Texas for some charity group and another in Canada become a tour? And does "on the fence" mean Mr. Rock On has given up on the boy he keeps calling "son" but the whole world knows is not? Does this mean too that the singing sensation who hasn't had a hit record since before Daniel was born won't be coming back to Genoa City? Based on what the Bug said it sure seems that way. Asked if she misses the man she was once married to and up until a few weeks ago had been having sex with, the Bug said, "probably less than I should."

If Romalotti is returning to the Swiss Alps shouldn't he have at least called to see how the boy he once claimed to be so worried about is faring? For that matter, shouldn't the Bug be checking in on the kid or at least asking around if anyone has seen Daniel?

What we have here is a serious continuity gap that has widened over the years to such a degree there is no bridge long enough to make the reconnect.

It is, in short, a ratcheting up of the stupidity at a time when these outlandish mistakes and convoluted plots of increasingly epic proportions threaten to turn us off - for good.

Making Mountains Out Of Mole Hills
September 22, 2004

"Mommy! Mommy! I've been such a fool. I hooked up with this very bad boy because he seemed like a trusting soul who would fix it so that my friend Kevin, who you know Ma is ten years older than me and can't think for himself and who I knew nothing about although I could have read his criminal history in the papers and on the wall at the men's room, would be made out as the town hero who saved the delinquent Lily Winters. Now, as you also know Ma, I'm in deep crap and oh my, I'm so lost and confused. Can you maybe save my ass from becoming another Devon Hamilton? Please Ma? I promise never again to imply that you're a cheap whore and golly Ma, could Damon Porter be my step-daddy? Can he Ma? Can he?"

16-year-old Daniel Romalotti didn't actually make the above statement this week but anyone listening between the lines of what he really told Phyllis Abbott might have surmised as much following the near murder of drug king pin "Alex" at their Newman ponderosa deluxe bedroom suite.

Having slept like a baby the previous night Romalotti was surprised to see that his mother was still on pins and needles and had stayed up most of the night. Was Ma still thinking about calling the police? Was she really going to tell anyone at this point that Porter nearly killed a man or that their shack was invaded by a crazed drug dealer?

"I'm not used to having my life threatened in my own home," Mrs. Abbott grumbled here Wednesday as she assumed for the most part that home is where the heart is regardless of who may own the horse manure-infected recently converted tack room she now shares with her mentally challenged son.

As for no last name Alex - who had managed to elude capture - Abbott said he better not show up at any emergency room for surely the nurses and doctors will have many questions to ask and like gunshot wounds would be required to report beating victims to the police.

Suddenly, as is so often the case, the tables had apparently turned. Alex was no longer the attacker but rather the victim. God help Abbott and her son if Alex presses charges.

Assuring his Ma that there's nothing to worry about Romalotti expressed his certainty that Alex wouldn't name names because "he has too much to lose."

Though there was no reason to beat the dead horse and if she'd just let it slide the ordeal could have easily been forgotten, Abbott said she had to do something. But what? She didn't know. In the meantime she planned to tell ponderosa security what happened earlier as if that might keep the Krispy Kreme-eating boys at the guard shack on their toes. While she was gone Danny Boy was not to answer the door - or go to school.

Making the one-hour drive to the city in about fifteen minutes Abbott let herself into Porter's apartment. Perhaps he had a plan. Alas, Porter was in a hate-filled daze. Oh how he wanted to kill that bastard, Alex. Oh wait! Take that back. Not him as in Damon Porter, but him: the animal that lives inside Porter's body!

"It's the only way to get rid of him for sure," Porter said, of the animal's desire which ultimately may be how Alex is gotten rid of.

Like so many instances where persons in this crazy city commit heinous acts the blame for Alex's untimely death could easily be placed on Porter's monster.

Still without a plan to do whatever she thinks needs doing Abbott zoomed over to the law offices of Baldwin & Blair-Williams where she told Michael Baldwin that what he's known all along is true. His brother, Kevin Fisher is no hero and in fact the entire scheme to make him appear as one was a cleverly engineered plot by her son and now they are "way in over our heads!"

Even as Abbott uttered the words it wasn't exactly clear. Who is in over their heads and why? Just what is the problem for which there must be a plan?

And while she had told Porter earlier it was her intent to call the police, Abbott was now asking Baldwin if she should call the cops and like most everyone following this toady story, Baldwin asked, "Why would you call them now?" It's not like the cops in this city are known for solving crime.

Abbott said she has a good reason. No criminal is going to come on Newman property, enter her home with a baseball bat to kill her and her son. It did not matter to Abbott that it didn't happen that way. Alex only threatened to kill. Any attorney worth his salt would have told Abbott the cops won't do anything until the crime has been committed. Talk about murder all you want. It's the act that will sometimes get the cops off their collective ass.

Just when you were hoping this story would have ended long ago it couldn't because it was missing a punch line. Remember? There's got to be a punch line.

"Why didn't you call the police?" Baldwin asked.

Without answering, Abbott said that after all has been said and done "we" have a dangerous situation and she's afraid of what might happen.

Quick like a bunny Baldwin threw out the second punch line a story of this magnitude requires.

"It's back to jail for Kevin and juvenile for your kid," he said.

Frantic, Abbott said oh no! They can't let that happen! They can't just drop this insidious event, keep their yaps shut and hope Alex doesn't press charges. That way nobody would have to know and there'd be nothing to worry about.

But not these freaks. They've got mountains to make out of mole hills. Forget that there's no evidence of Fisher's involvement and so what if the Romalotti kid says he was? Who'd take the word of a punky sixteen year old? And how exactly is Romalotti going to become a JV? Juveniles are rarely declared delinquent and only when their parents petition the court and then only if they have a long arrest records.

"We're going to be creative. We'll figure something out so we don't lose your brother or my son in the process," Abbott sputtered, as you and the flying monkeys huddling in the corner shuddered and asked god to please make it stop. Please lord, not another far-fetched true crime and punishment story as portrayed by the always unaware-how-the-law-works likes of these Genoa City residential elite.

Drug King Pin Escapes!
September 20, 2004

It's a good thing coverage of the Newman Ponderosa home invasion has ended because it was getting downright spooky. Besides predicting correctly that Damon Porter would rescue the damsels in distress the GCN also predicted that the bad boy known as Alex would make a getaway, albeit not without getting his ass kicked.

Beaten to a pulp by Porter, drug king pin Alex was able to slip away from his captor while Mrs. Phyllis Abbott and Porter haggled over whether the police should be called. Abbott wanted her girlie-boy Daniel to make the call but he wanted to talk about it first. Porter wanted to call the cops but during the time he was thinking about it Alex had made his bold escape.

Yelling for Abbott to call the cops Porter took off after his prey but damn but what the punk hadn't eluded him. Stopping by the guard shack Porter asked if the Krispy Kreme-eating guards had seen anyone running for their lives. Unable to see over their fat bellies the guards grunted no so Porter returned to the tackyroom where he reported that Alex had given him the slip.

"I don't know how," Porter said, before surmising that like all the bad guys that have caused havoc at the ponderosa in recent months this one must have "slipped into the woods."

Noting that the police had not made the one hour trip from town in about five minutes and that security was not on the scene and that oops, he forgot to mention the knock down drag out to the guards while asking if they had seen Alex, Porter was himself knocked for a loop when Abbott said again she needed to first speak with her son before calling police or security.

Throwing up his hands, Porter trudged off not the least bit concerned that Alex might be hiding in the woods waiting for Porter to leave so that he could return to finish the job.

'Monster' Saves Damsels in Distress!
September 17, 2004

For not knowing exactly what the outcome of the Newman tackyhouse invasion would be the Genoa City News came pretty damn close to what it speculated. I.E.: that Damon Porter would return to save the day. Indeed, it was Porter who must have noticed Phyllis Abbott's vehicle passing him this week as he headed for the big city, turned around and got back to the Newman ponderosa in time to save the damsels in distress, Phyllis Abbott and Daniel Romalotti.

You read right. Damsels. As the 16-year-old big mouth nothing but a bag of sawdust Daniel proved he's about as sissified as they come.

Faced with having his swollen head split open by the baseball bat-wielding kid known only as Alex, Daniel whimpered like a wet-diaper baby while Alex toyed with him like a cat plays with a mouse just prior to devouring.

"It's fear! And I love other people's fear," Alex brayed, making the point that fear is what it's all about these days. Keep people afraid. Make them think evil things are coming to take away their white picket fenced homes or eat their babies and they'll cower like lost sheep.

Putting on a brief display of faux manliness Daniel yelped, "I'm not afraid of you" then picking up a chair asked Alex, "Why are you getting so violent?"

As Romalotti's true passiveness returned he practically fell on his knees promising never to tell anyone of Alex's plan to use the Newman Wreck Center as his drug cartel headquarters. But before Alex could splatter Daniel's melon Mrs. Abbott arrived.

"What's going on in here?" she asked, as if she couldn't believe the harsh reality that her son is so like his father, the sissy Danny Romalotti.

Smelling the testosterone in the air it was then Daniel must have realized his mother has more gonads then he ever will for he pleaded with Phyllis not to get help. Incredibly, Phyllis sensed that if she were to leave the scene her precious son might not be alive when she returned so instead Phyllis decided to talk some sense into Alex. Was he aware that if he didn't put the bat down he'd go to prison?

In full passive/aggressive mode, Daniel felt a pang in what was left of his shriveled testicles. Like a true chicken hawk he cackled, "I can handle this."

Phyllis knew better. She must have seen that from the way the boy was shaking and scared half to death he'd never be a man so she'd have to. Getting in Alex's face she was slammed into the wall. Even then the best Daniel could do was pee his pants. So much for the sanctimonious and violent warmongering actions he'd displayed up until now.

Baby Danny is, ultimately, a species of stasis and lethargy. Never sympathetically proactive, always violently reactive and retarded - and only when the threat will cause him no harm. Like his Pa, Daniel has a fetish for cheap talk and empty threats. Damn the toll Alex was inflicting on his battered mother Daniel wasn't about to do anything manly.

Had it not been for the demons channeling Satan through Damon Porter right then Mrs. Abbott might very well have died on the spot. Thankfully and somewhat miraculous as it was, the monster living inside Porter had felt the atmospheric change on the dark side. Taking control away from the mangled grammar man the monster spun the car around.

Pulling up to the tackyroom monster man didn't look around for warning signs. He didn't listen quietly for a moment to determine whether those screaming and hollering inside might be armed. He didn't think that Mrs. Abbott might have a gun to head and should he barge in might be killed.

Somewhat like Spiderman Nick Newman the monster roared into the room. With a flick of his wrist to Alex's glass jaw the bogeyman went down for the count.

Impressed by the aww-shucks dumb-guy shtick Mrs. Abbott grasped her rosary beads and thanked God as the monster slung the pip squeak onto the sofa. When Alex foolishly tried crawling away he was yanked back by his spiny legs, grabbed by the neck and slapped around like a rag doll.

Thirsting for blood the monster wrapped his hands around Alex's neck and squeezed until Mrs. Abbott cried out for him to stop. But like Herman Munster on Meth the monster wouldn't stop until Abbott was able to establish communication with his inner devil's advocate.

"Me be very mad. Me be very bad. Damon stop now," the monster did not exactly say, but you know, should have given the violent rage monsters are known for.

Then, with Alex pretty much thinking to himself, "Jesus with a riding crop where'd this freak come from" and Daniel, with hands in his genital-less crotch maybe understanding now it's no coincidence he looks like a girl, Porter stood motionless as if to suggest he may never fully understand the depths of his dark side.

Home Invasion - 2
September 16, 2004

You'd think - wouldn't you - that they would have learned by now. Strange people are coming and going to and from the Newman Ponderosa as if it were the Mexican border. There's already been one instance there where a stranger threatened a guest yet security has yet to be notified and does nothing to prevent just anyone from having total access to the place and that's after Cameron Kirsten caused so much havoc.

And even when he got a threatening call Thursday from that awful Alex kid Daniel Romalotti didn't think to alert security.

"Hello? Is this the front gate? Are you guys awake? Eating Kripsy Kremes? I just got a call from Alex. You know, that guy who was out here a few days ago and had to be slapped down by my mother. Yeah, Alex. The dude with the ring in his ear. Said he was going to get us and just called to tell me I'm a dead man. Could you please check everyone trying to enter the property? Please? I'm really scared this time," Romalotti did not say.

The call from Alex preceded what the gangster said was Romalotti having thrown "salt in my game" when Romalotti failed to make the Newman Wreck Center a safe haven for drug dealers.

"If anything happens to my friends you're going to pay" Alex oozed, as he accused the 16-year-old of not moving fast enough to prevent Victor Newman from busting his drug-dealing pals and for warning Newman to be on the lookout for higher than a kite low-lives looking to score dope.

And what of the fact that Romalotti is supposed to be in school but nevertheless doesn't attend because nobody - not even he - knows what school he's supposed to be attending and couldn't attend if he wanted because his mother has grounded him? Is this something any gangster worth his/her, um, salt overlooks? Apparently.

"You're robbin' me and you're going to pay the price. You and that big mouth mother of yours!" Alex sputtered much worse than the Frito Banditos did way back when they thought they could easily break into the Newman safe.

Worried, and maybe thinking he's in too deep and it's time to come clean, Daniel summoned his mother. Could she drop what she's doing and make the one-hour drive back to the ranch because he's got something to tell her that he can't tell her on the phone?

Without checking first to see if the bogeyman was outside Daniel opened the door to see Mr. Personality. Damon Porter too had made the long drive again, easily got past security for the sole purpose of rehashing a previous conversation he'd had with the kid.

"There are some things you don't need to experience for yourself," Porter prophesied, in direct reference to bad boy Alex. That said, Porter made the long trek back to the city.

Fully aware that Alex could jump out of the shadows at any moment Daniel did not think to lock the door which could only explain how Alex was able to standing there with a baseball bat in hand.

So what did Daniel do? Did he even try to call security? Did he think to hit the panic alarm key on the security system? Oh, that's right. The filthy-rich Newmans don't believe in alarm systems. It does not matter that their close business and personal associate Paul Williams sells them.

Oh wait! Daniel did do something very manly.

"You can't be in here!" he yelled at Alex who just about broke down in laughter.

"Guess what girlie. I'm already in," Alex didn't exactly say, but should have because, well, you know why. Genoa City is just way, way out of touch with the "real" America.

So before Phyllis Abbott comes to the rescue let's peer into the crystal ball to see how that might play out.

Ma has just received an urgent call from her son. She speeds home making the one-hour drive in about thirty minutes. This is important to understand because it was established years ago that the ponderosa is an hour's drive from the city. 50 book author Cole Howard first revealed this interesting fact when he called the airport one day to see if he could catch a We Fly You Anywhere Air flight out of town. The ticket agent told him a flight was leaving "in about an hour" and if he could make it to the airport in time they'd put him on the plane. Howard said it was an hour drive from where he was and that he'd try. He made the flight.

As Abbott is barreling along the highway she does not notice Porter's car passing her going in the opposite direction. When she pulls into the ponderosa she doesn't notice the strange car parked near the tackyroom nor does she check with security to see if any strangers have been spotted nor bothers to tell security she'd like for them to keep an eye out given that her son had been grounded.

No sirree! Abbott plunges head first into the fray and in some Kevin Fisher-like madness disarms Alex, tells him he's a very bad [and dangerous - can't forget dangerous] boy, warns him again to stay away from her son and lets Alex go along his merry way.

Keep in mind, that's the worst case scenario. The best would be that as Abbott walks through the front door Alex slams the bat into her head splattering it all over the wall resulting in her immediate death. Then, Alex proceeds to hit a home run with Daniel's empty head sending it into the lower 40. Hearing a car pull up Alex hides behind the door and when Damon walks in let's him have it too! There, in one place, in less than one hour, three useless, boring and ignorant twits are eliminated.

It's the first part of what we'd like to see as Alex goes on to become the Osama bin Laden of Genoa City and sets his sights on Victor in what could be the ultimate power play to make a wreck center the best little drug house the city has ever seen so powerful even the local mobsters find Alex a force to be reckoned with and one the police can do nothing about. You know, just like a Las Vegas gambling casino.

Then again, that might be getting a little too deeper and more interesting than the narcotized viewing public could handle. One thing is for sure though. It would beat any drama class Victor can offer.

Commotion Reported At Ponderosa
August 30, 2004

Acme Security guards at the Newman Ponderosa confirm that another strange incident took place there Monday involving new "guests" 16-year-old Daniel Romalotti, his aging mother, Phyllis Abbott and a stranger guards say they've never seen before.

"We were sitting in the guard shack snacking on Krispy Kremes and reading Spider-Man comics when this squirmy looking kid pulled up and said he wanted to see the Romalotti boy," a security guard who identified himself only as "Moe" told the Genoa City News.

Right away this reporter asked the guard if he knew anything about a hit put out on Jabot Cosmetics executive Jill Abbott.

"No, no! That's a different Moe. You want to hear the story, or not?" Moe snorted.

"So we tell the kid that there's been a lot of trouble here lately with strangers prowling around and we'll have to call down to the tackyroom. You know, the shed they fixed up and pass off as a one-bedroom bungalow where the Howards lived for a spell. I wonder how much the rent is? Place stinks of horse manure, though. I don't know how anyone can live there," Moe went on.

"Anyway, we get Romalotti on the horn and he says, sure, send the kid down, so we do. But later, we're thinking maybe we should stroll by just in case, you know, there's a drug deal going down - or something. The kid did have an earring in his ear and I noticed an attitude too. Plus, Mrs. Abbott wasn't home so we thought it might be the puny thing to do if we had a look see through the window."

"Don't you mean prudent?" this reporter asked.

"Ah, right. That too. Say, you making fun of me?" Moe smirked, before going on with the story.

"Just then we hear the phone ringing inside the shack so I sent Larry here [Moe's partner] back to get it. I hunkered down under the tackyroom window and damn if I wasn't right. I hear the Romalotti boy, Daniel I think is his first name, telling the guy that they're not supposed to know each other! Right away my ears start burning. This has got to be hot stuff. I was trying to remember if Larry got the guy's license number, but when he tells Daniel the tackyroom is 'nice digs' I almost barfed. Never did think about the license again. Course, it don't matter since the Newmans don't require much information from strangers who come out here."

"Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah. Next thing Daniel tells the guy to leave; worries what his mother will do if she comes home. So I'm thinking again, are these kids gay? Not that it matters, mind you. I was gay myself once until Jesus changed me back. Now, I've got 4 kids and 3 jobs. But like I was saying, the guy says he ain't leaving until they do some business and again I'm thinking, drug deal!"

"Then I hear the guy say he helped with that Lily chick and wanted his money! My heart is racing now 'cause I heard Mr. Newman mumbling when he drove by the gate earlier that the Winters girl ruined his grand opening or something and he's on his cellphone with the hospital checking on her. Guess she got date raped. Then I hears Daniel say he ain't paying because the girl wasn't supposed to OD so he's canceling the deal. Now, I'm starting to laugh and my blood pressure has gone down. Damn kids. So stupid."

"What do you mean, stupid?" this reporter asked, knowing it was a rhetorical question.

"Jesus! You sound like the other morons living here. Always asking what do you mean. I mean, what a twit this Romalotti kid is. He sets some chick up and when the deal doesn't go right wants to back out? This kid has a lot to learn about being a gangster," Moe continued.

"When this guy, I think I heard the name Alex, says he'll squeal to the girl's parents if Daniel doesn't pay, Daniel threatens to break his legs! I mean, have you seen this little pus-head Romalotti? Kid couldn't break wind if his ass depended on it. Oh, sorry. You're a family paper I understand."

"It's okay. Our readers can handle the truth. They aren't prudes. Go on with your story," this reporter told Moe.

"Then Alex breaks the news that he's connected with a gang and that his boys take care of him. If Daniel doesn't want to end up in the hospital with the girl he better do as he's told. Then he tells Daniel he wants him to scope out the new recreation center, you know the one Mr. Newman built, so that his gang can get in and out as they please. Even calls the dude who runs the place "Taco man!" He wasn't talking about Mr. Newman, was he?" Moe asked.

"Could be the kid they call Jamal. Then again, could be Newman; his face looks like a pizza. But go on with your story, Moe," this reporter injected.

"Anywho, Daniel is freaking so bad now I'm about to burst out laughing when Mrs. Romalotti, ah, Abbott comes home. Good thing she didn't see me. Says she did see a strange car, wants to know who the guy is and starts asking a bunch of questions. Kinda weird if you ask me, buy hey, not half as weird as some of the stuff I've seen around here. Daniel is trying hard to get the guy out the door but the guy says he ain't leaving until he's concluded his business! Tells the lady not to worry; he ain't gonna badly influence her gold spoon-fed boy. Man, if she only knew. The lady picks up on the attitude - I told you about the attitude - tells the guy to leave or she'll call the guards. Boy, if only she knew I was right outside the window!"

"When the lady called the guy a 'squirt' I knew what was coming next. He calls her a 'royal bitch' and she whacks him across the face. Imagine that? And the guy doesn't even know the woman. Says it was un-cool; that no woman slaps him and then threatens to get her! I don't know how he managed, but Daniel got rid of him, tells his mother that the guy is really pissed and wondered what possessed her to get in his business. By now I'm thinking I better split too 'cause Mrs. Abbott might call the gate to report the incident or at least ask if we got a name or license number. But she didn't. Good thing, because we didn't," Moe concluded.

Prior to leaving the Ponderosa this reporter asked security for permission to scout around the infamous Newman outhouse and revisit the pond where little Cassie Newman nearly drowned a few years ago to see if it had been filled in with cement as Mr. Newman had promised.

"Sure, go right ahead, but once you past the gate you're out of our jurisdiction," Moe told me.

Ambling my way along the white cobblestone path I passed up the outhouse when it appeared the young Newman kids were playing cards downstairs and what look like steam was coming out of a bedroom window. Making my way to the stables I was halfway up to the pond when five men surrounded me. They wouldn't even let me look in the direction on the pond before pushing me into some little hut and asked a bunch of questions. Was I Cameron Kirsten? Did I know Cameron Kirsten?

When I reached into my pocket for a newspaper clipping about Kirsten's miraculous capture in Iowa, a guard grabbed my arm like I was a common criminal. They insisted on scanning me with a metal-detector, even though I told them that I'd already gone through security on the way in. One guard started asking if I was Diego Guittierez over and over until I showed him my ID. Shoving their hands into my pants pocket to see if I might have any explosives they set me on my way when they were satisfied I hadn't come to cause harm to the Newmans. The one guard, did, however, let his fingers linger just a little too long in my pocket and wouldn't pull it out until I assured him that "thing" wasn't that kind of a gun.

That wasn't the last of it. Since the guards wouldn't let me see the pond I went up to the main house hoping to see if the front door has a lock on it. The guard there was even more abusive. Said he didn't want to reveal security precautions they take so I told him I just wanted to get a closer look at the place where Joshua Landers was killed, but he wouldn't let me so much as peek through the window. He was all, "Sir, step back" and when I tried to take a picture through the window grunted, "No flash photography."

Complaining that the place was so dark I explained the only way to get a decent picture was with a flash, but the guard said flashes fade the valuable plates Mrs. Newman has hanging on the wall and has been known to cause the Baby Grand Piano to go off key.

Satisfied that the Ponderosa is now, suddenly, swarming with security, albeit stooge-like, I returned to the main gate, said good day to Moe and Larry and left.

Romalotti Boy, Mommy Moving Into Newman TackyRoom!
August 5, 2004

Before Victoria Newman moved off the Newman Ponderosa she had the very tacky tackroom remodeled into a virtual feminine napkin. Gone was the smell of horse manure and the stench in the air of her father's sweat who routinely used the room to swat away at the punching bag hanging from the roof. Then, just before Christmas, Victoria was gone too.

On Christmas Eve Victor Newman didn't notice that his daughter hadn't gathered with other family members. Asked why, Nikki Newman said, "Things have been so chaotic around here I forgot to tell him. Christmas Eve was full of tension. We're not even a family anymore."

When the great man found out that Victoria was gone he vowed to launch a search for her but never did.

For nearly a year the tackyroom has been vacant and now, as if things down on the farm just aren't right unless there's something tacky going on in the tackroom, the Genoa City News has learned that Mr. Newman will soon get a whiff of the dire straight one of his employees is in and will offer Phyllis Abbott and her son, the tackyroom as their new home.

Chester the Molester Syndrome
August 2, 2004

What in the Hell was that creepy Christine 'Bug' Blair thinking? Is she an utter moron? A total imbecile? Does she have her head so far up her butt she can see her tonsils and wouldn't know a true "sophisticated" 16-year-old if she ran over one with her big stompin' SUV?

The question must be asked because on Monday the Bug creeped just about everyone out - again - when she found Daniel Romalotti inside her love bunker packing up a few things he had conveniently left behind and/or couldn't remember to take the last time he returned for things left behind.

Informing Daniel that she and his father had been out looking for him earlier, Daniel interrupted to ask if she didn't mean "Mr. Romalotti" and to say he was surprised that his mother had said anything of his whereabouts as Phyllis Abbott hates the Bug with a passion just like most everyone else in this godforsaken city.

Noting that Daniel didn't seem like himself, the Bug demanded to know what was going on and repeated her position that Phyllis is pretty much a skank and that Daniel doesn't know her the way righteous Danny and the Bug do.

Unwilling to listen to his mother being backstabbed again Daniel was about to leave when the Bug shrieked, "I won't allow it!" and went on to say that the hatred she feels for Phyllis isn't really hate, but that she merely wants Daniel to watch his back. Then, out of nowhere, the Bug pulled a Dru Winters does Devon Hamilton.

Woe is the Bug. She grew up without a mother too, but was lucky to have met Jessica Blair later in life. As with most everything the Bug says it wasn't exactly the truth. The Bug had been estranged from her mother ever since Jessica had shipped her off to live with her grandmother. When Granny died the Bug was returned to Jessica but after less than a year with her ran away at the age of thirteen to live with cousin, Joe Blair.

In 1988 when Jessica returned to Genoa City the Bug wasn't pleased. Time was running out for Jessica. She wanted to make her peace with the Bug before she died from AIDS so she told the Bug that her father had died in Vietnam before she was hatched, um, born. Even then the Bug was snarly. She didn't believe her own mother so she enlisted private investigator Paul Williams who reported back that Jessica was lying. Confronted with the truth, Jessica fessed up that she had a one night stand with a boy she didn't even know and that's how the Bug came to be.

Always a sucker for new arrivals old man John 'Yawn' Abbott was smitten with Jessica who tried to keep her distance from the geezer because she didn't want him - or anyone - to know she was near death.

When the Bug came down with the flu, Jessica nursed her back to health. As a result mother and child grew closer and so did Yawn who wanted to marry Jessica. She accepted but later left Yawn a note along with his engagement ring saying she was going back to Kansas. Before the flight Jessica collapsed and was admitted to the hospital where she begged Dr. Scott Grainger not to tell Yawn or the Bug the truth although she later admitted to the Bug that she was dying from AIDS.

The Bug in turn told Yawn who again proposed so that Jessica could die in peace. The wedding took place.

The following year the Bug was looking through Dr. Grainger's photo album when she noticed a man she thought looked like her Pa. Odd, considering the Bug never knew her Pa. The man turned out to be Scott's Pa so Scott arranged for the Bug to meet the man given that he and the Bug were in love.

When Jim Grainger arrived the Bug's suspicions were correct. Jim admitted to Jessica that he was the boy she'd had sex with all those years ago. Yes, Jim wanted to marry her but she had rejected all his letters and told him to forget about her.

Jessica was confused. What letters? Jim showed her one. Right away Jessica recognized her mother's handwriting! Seems Ma Blair had never wanted Jim anywhere near her daughter. So Jim was really the Bug's Pa which meant that Scott was the Bug's brother which meant that they could never marry. Yawn and Jessica agreed to dissolve their marriage so that she, Jim and the Bug could live together as a family. It didn't last long. Jessica died soon afterwards.

As for Jim, Jack Abbott hooked him up with Nikki Newman who was tickled pink as she needed someone to make Victor Newman jealous. That was odd too, considering just a few weeks later Jack became interested in Nikki himself. When Nikki announced she wanted to marry Jim, neither Victor nor Jack would approve. In the end Jack got her. Victor was so upset her offered Jack control of Jabot if he'd let Nikki go. When Nikki found out she was nothing but a pawn in their silly games she kicked both men to the curb.

Jim eventually left town and by 1990 the Bug had moved on to develop a relationship with Danny Romalotti which would live in infamy.

And Scott? He took up with Lauren Fenmore. What man hasn't?

The real story here is not so much about another Bug deception but rather the conclusion the critter reached this week regarding the man Daniel Romalotti and his mother are shacking up with. Does the reason Daniel seems so out of sorts have anything to do with Damon Porter abusing him?

What fugue state is the creature living in this time? Any lawyer worth her salt, even those with law degrees from Sears, should know that men don't hit on boys so early in the game. If Porter is queer for boys it's unlikely he'd hit on Daniel until the two had, as they say, grown closer. There would first be the casual instances where Porter allows Daniel to see him naked, etc., to sort of, um, feel the boy out.

Daniel said that Porter hasn't come onto him sexually but there is something he'd noticed in the two or three days he's been staying with the man. Porter could "blow up" at any time!

Apparently, Porter was right when he said Daniel is one "sophisticated" boy who can tell when a man is full of weirdo intellectual tofu-sucking yoga. Good lord, why hadn't Daniel's mother seen it? Porter is obviously deranged. What else could explain why Porter threw a bawling fit and fell on the floor when the woman of his dreams said she's moving out to be with her long lost son?

Who besides Daniel can't see that Porter is a homo sub-intellect waiting to explode? Who else but the Bug could sense that Porter is gay or bisexual - or something - when Mrs. Abbott, who has been living with Porter for months, could not.

And what if Porter is? What business is it of the Bug's? Will she slither back to Porter's pad demanding he be cured? To say that she won't allow homosexuality in Genoa City? Does the Bug's desire to be protective of a 16-year-old have something to do with that fact she's always considered Daniel to be the son she never had?

This is the mental image the Bug projects, happening right this moment, across this fine city: Thousands of honest, hard-working, sexually terrified parents are running around their homes with their hands to their heads, each thinking oh my freaking God what if our beautiful wee one just so happens to walk past Damon Porter's apartment? Will they hear funny sounds coming from inside telling them that Chester the Molester Porter is gay? Why, our child, would surely quiver and tremble and explode!

Really, now, is there anything more scary than that? Anything more traumatic than teaching our kids that, no, you are not a healthy potent sexually burgeoning self-defined being of potential and love, but, rather, you are prey, ever put upon, ever under duress, ever requiring armed protection from the Bug. What a wonderful lesson.

As we've said before, there's many ways to victimize people. The most insidious is to convince them that they're victims which is exactly what the Bug wanted so desperately to do this week. Had only Daniel said yes, if he had fallen on his knees before the Bug and said, oh how true it was, Porter would have been viciously attacked by the Bug and then ordered to leave Genoa City.

As it was, Daniel split and again, the Bug did not tell him, nor did Daniel ask, why she and Danny were at Porter's pad so early that morning.

Bug Accused of Playing God!
July 5, 2004

Oh boy, Daniel Romalotti is angry now. The 16-year-old born ten years ago was asked not to get that way because he's found out like so many kids that his father isn't really his father, but he's got to take that initial rage out on someone.

And who better to rag on than a creepy bug? Not just any bug, but one that thinks it's God.

Upon learning this week that Danny Romalotti is not his biological father and that it's mostly Christine 'Bug' Blair's fault that he wasn't told the truth until now, Daniel snarled, "She's playing God with my life!"

Welcome to the Genoa City, Daniel. Welcome to the Bug's world where even people the Bug claims to love are subject to her every whim, her beck and call. One wrong move, one blow of the nose the Bug doesn't like and those people who dare look at her cross-eyed will know the wrath of God as only the Bug can dispense it.

The Bug has a plan, after all. This is what they say. She has an incredibly obtuse and impossibly dense master blueprint that explains all the broken marriages and adultery and babies used as prizes, all the cruelty and Phyllis Abbott, and Daniel is just too small and unevolved to possibly understand, or do anything about it.

Right? Well, no.

For while Phyllis was blocked at every turn in her weak attempts to find out where her son was by Danny Romalotti, she praised him this week for being "a wonderful father in every sense of the word."

While Phyllis does not know - other than what Danny has told her - she claims Danny "loved and cared for Daniel the moment he was born."

Yes, Danny loved her son so much he fought to the bitter end to get custody.

"Chris and Danny were hell bent on keeping me from you," Phyllis spewed, as Daniel had to have been asking himself, "If he loved me so much why wasn't I ever allowed to be with my mother?"

And lo, if things had been different, Phyllis said they'd probably be a family right now.

Cassie Newman did not reach down and strike Phyllis dead. Danny and Phyllis were never a family. They played house for awhile but like all relationships in Genoa City built on lies it didn't last long.

"Certain people wanted me banished from your life. I had no say in your life," Phyllis rambled, hinting that the Bug was that certain "controlling, self-absorbed" creature what had "tremendous influence" over the washed up rock star.

Even after the Bug kicked Danny to the curb the sissy couldn't get over her. Had to keep sniffing around and eventually moved back to Genoa City and now wants to move into the Bug's love bunker thinking that somehow he can make the Bug's desire to have Daniel as her own son become a reality.

Phyllis' attempt at telling the truth would have been noble had she been able to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Unfortunately, she's lied for so long about so many things she doesn't know the truth even when a relationship with her son is at stake.

That's why Phyllis danced around how she got Danny drunk and tricked him into believing that the baby she became pregnant with was his. She tried to justify her despicable act as that of a woman desperate to do what was right for her child.

"I lied because of you," Phyllis hacked, adding that she knew Danny would make a good daddy and wouldn't leave her sitting around the house eating Bon Bons. That's why she had to break up Danny's marriage. She had to get him into her life so that they could all be "a happy loving family." That is, until the Bug decided to fight back.

The Bug convinced Danny to divorce Phyllis, took her to court, had a sleepy judge declare her an unfit mother and later dumped poor Danny in exchange for the slimy Paul Williams. Danny was so devastated he fled to Europe with Daniel and gosh, to hear Phyllis tell the story, "it ruined any chance I had of visitation" and destroyed any hope of a relationship with her son in the process.

"Oh, did I leave out the part where I never bothered to find out what happened to you, Daniel? Did I forget to say that except for asking your Aunt Gina who really isn't your Aunt if she'd show me a picture of you I didn't do much to find you? How deceptive of me," Phyllis did not say.

Yes, Daniel. You can thank that disgusting Bug for "ripping you away from a mother who truly loved you," Phyllis went on, pointing out that it was pure Bug vindictiveness and spite. The Bug is heartless. That much is true.

It was a boatload of crap for even the angriest of teenage boys to handle. Daniel said he'd need time to digest it all before maybe forgiving his mother and committing to a year or two of revenge on the Bug and the man who lied to him all these years.

A great heretic once summed it up best: The wicked thing about both the little and the great is that they all, without exception, pretend to hold encompassed in their ritualized mythologies all of the truth ever to be known. They are therefore cursed, and they curse all who accept them.

Daniel might radically change his perspective, to forgo the pious gooey safety net of a sanctimonious Bug and a Dick Clark-type never grows old fraud and go it alone, figure it out for himself before it's too late and he ends up miserable. As the saying goes, it's never too late to have a happy karma. Others, more powerful have taken on the Bug and lost.

When You Snooze, You Lose
July 2, 2004

See what happens when you're too busy swapping spit and trying to get your lies straight? You don't get to your intended victim in time to re-poison the well. Christine 'Bug' Blair and Danny Romalotti had most of the week to fill Daniel Romalotti's head with misleading information and outright untruths about his paternity and still they didn't get to the kid before his biological mother did.

And it was probably just as well. Otherwise it might have taken months for Daniel to learn that the washed up rock star is not his real daddy.

Yes, while the location where the truth came out was somewhat contrived, it came out nevertheless. The Newman Jitter Joint or the Athletic Supporter Club would have been too public and who knows who or what might have interrupted the intimate meeting between mother and son.

Thanks to Phyllis Abbott's love connection she was able to use Damon Porter's opium den as the place to tell her son the awful truth. The impact on the sixteen-year-old was predictable. Now, Daniel has something to really be angry about.

How could a sycophantic imbecile who can't screw in a light bulb without help pretend to be a father? It wasn't like the rock star was trying to give Traci Abbott's baby legitimacy. How could the lie have been perpetuated in righteousness all these years? If Mr. Glitter isn't my daddy - who is? Why did mommy dearest barely lift a finger to put an end to the madness and what is to become of me now, Daniel might ask.

Sure, it's tragic and all, but before Daniel gets out his most reddest crayon of anger and starts writing a novel about his life as an unwanted child it would behoove him to think about it.

The world is full of unwanted children. Kids are routinely dumped by their parents onto relatives, who for some strange reason, maybe it's the shame they feel for the shameless parents, like to keep the dumping a secret. Maybe it's all the finger-wagging they'll have to endure by society with it's snickering hypocrisy and born out of wedlock-like guilt that makes them raise the child as their own complete with last name change.

These well intentioned relatives have no idea the psychosocial damage they inflict until it's too late and then they merely shrug their shoulders and spit, "That ungrateful kid should be thankful we took s/he in." The relatives never know that there will come a time when the kid will wonder why "mother" or "dad" doesn't do things with them like other kid's parents do.

If the child one day learns the truth from say, a school counselor, wondering why the kid isn't doing well in school starts digging into the past and eventually tells the child, the odds are good that the child will rebel. But that's okay because there's always the option of sending the kid to live with its real parents again if the kid is still out of control by Winter.

The parents will be overjoyed driving in a snowstorm from three states away for the momentous event. They'll toss the kid into the backseat and make the return trip without saying more than ten words to each other. If the kid wants to live with us we'll see about that. We'll badger the kid until it cries for mercy and the relatives come get the kid this time. If the kid still hasn't learned when it's well off there are always reform schools.

So Danny boy, here's the message. We don't want to hear you bitching and moaning about how terrible your life is. You've got a mother who cares. You've got a father (Brian Hamilton) out there - somewhere - who might care too. Be thankful for what you've got. Of course, if you'd like to make the Bug's and the rocker's lives miserable, that's okay too. They had their chance and blew it. They snooze, they lose.

The Rush to Lie
June 28, 2004

Watching Christine 'Bug' Blair creep around on Monday squeaking at her new/old lover, the washed up but thinking there's still a chance he'll rise from the ashes as a new Dick Clark, Danny Romalotti, that there is a "situation" they've got to deal with was like observing a couple of school kids figuring out how they'll explain to the principle why they skipped class.

The situation the two find themselves in is that they've been caught in a lie so devious it would make Satan proud. Together, Romalotti and Blair conspired to take a baby away from its birth mother and then lied about it for years.

"What havoc is my ex reeking now?" sneered sissy boy Romalotti, as if Phyllis Abbott's warning to the Bug to tell the now sixteen-year-old boy the truth is unpatriotic and evil. Then, flashing a fake smile and some bleached teeth, Romalotti said that he would hope the Bug hissed real good at Mrs. Abbott and "read her the riot act after the garbage she pulled" when Phyllis informed Daniel Romalotti that she is his mother.

Continuing to rant that Abbott "never knows when to quit" and intimating that she should be stuck with a cattle prod, stripped naked and abused by big dogs, Romalotti caught a whiff of the Bug's dread.

Instead of being decent and trying to work together with Phyllis without snide bias or prejudice so that Daniel won't become any angrier than he already is, Danny and the Bug will tell another lie. They'll get to Daniel first and tell him that a sleepy judge ruled that Phyllis was an unfit mother and then they whisked him out of the country for his own protection.

See? The Bug and Danny aren't the bad guys here. And one other thing. Since Daniel needed to be protected it was felt at the time that it would be best if the boy grew up thinking Danny is his real daddy. Oh, sure. Danny planned on telling Daniel when he was old enough to understand that most kids born in Genoa City have two or three fathers, but gosh, the timing was never right.

There, don't you feel better now, Daniel? Aren't you pleased to know that this man you've been living with for sixteen years is a lying geek weasel? That Danny and his sister and that slimy Bug did everything in their power to keep you from knowing your real mother? Granted, Phyllis wasn't exactly hell-bent on seeing you, but she tried a little bit every now and then and that should count for something.

What counts now, Daniel, is that you know where your mother is. She's reaching out. She's told you part of the truth and even lied for you, helped you make points with that black-eyed scarecrow you're trying to get in bed. So don't go pushing her away. Don't sneer whenever you see her and ask "what are you doing here" when she walks into public places and then tell her to go somewhere else because you happen to be telling some girl as many lies as you've been told. Cut your mother some slack. Put your raging hormones aside and go ask around about the Bug and Danny. Read the newspapers about the nice things they've done. Go to the Bug's love bunker and listen. Can you hear Danny bitching? Can you hear him say how he hates what Phyllis is doing to the Bug and himself?

Is this not the most disgusting bile you've heard spewed from Danny's mouth, Daniel? Should you not right now tell him and the critter that you're on to them, that they have sharp pointy teeth and filthy mouths and drain color from the sky? Will you tell them that you won't be victimized twice?

The most insidious way to convince people that they are victims is to lie and that is exactly what Blair and Romalotti will do to convince Daniel so long as they can beat Phyllis to the punch.

Cut to a close-up of the Bug's beady eyes, boring straight into the smirking simpleton that is Danny, and then scanning over Daniel, so inured and sheltered. You want the truth?

And what is that truth now? What version will these creeps tell this time? How will they justify their atrocities without supplying Daniel with all the proof he needs that their cause is to cover their own sorry butts and nothing short of proving, for the 10,000th time, that they have dug another grimy, violent, blood-soaked hole so deep Daniel may never fully emerge.

Have Wine, Will Travel
June 18, 2004

by Michael Kelly

Blame it on the Swiss! No silly, not the cheese with the holes, but rather the people of Switzerland for the fact that 16-year-old Daniel Romalotti is such a geek.

For only an uncouth, socially inept, ill-bred, delinquent punk kid who sports a Sean Penn in Fast Times at Ridgemont High haircut would likely steal a bottle of wine from the love bunker of the albino insect he currently lives with only to lug it over to a construction site in his duffel bag (which likely also contains stinky cheese and a stale baguette of bread) and use it to tempt the older woman volunteering at the wreck of a rec center into going on a picnic with him!

Though this reporter usually finds the droning, preachy and even though she smiles more often you can tell she would rather be frowning Mac Browning about as appealing as belly button lint, I have to admit I was impressed when she asked Romalotti if he's insane when he told her about the vino and extended his invitation this week.

Browning went on to explain that she doesn't imbibe because her granny is a drunk. Furthermore, she saw firsthand how alcohol destroys families when she taught the long-suffering Indian children on the reservation how to be as dour, sour and overbearing as she is. No doubt big Mac would really pop her cork (so to speak) if she knew Romalotti was underage.

Still, knowing Mac, it's surprising she failed to lecture this smirking freak about whatever possessed him to smuggle a bottle of wine into a public place, to say nothing of the fact the rec center is crawling with underage impressionable brats trying to better their community while earning extra academic credit.

Romalotti was quick to quibble that wine is not alcohol and besides, in Europe, school children as young as five are given wine with their meals, to which Browning should have burped, 'You're in the U.S. now, Bub. We don't care what those snooty frogs do.'

Instead, Dull and Duller settled down to compare notes yet again on their rotten family lives, but this reporter longed to see Christine 'Bug' Blair and Danny Romalotti seethe with rage upon discovering their favorite bottle of wine is missing. However, I have this sinking feeling that this will be yet another loose end left frustratingly unexplored.

In the meantime, it must be noted that Daniel Romalotti forsaking the hot babe who warmed his dorm room bed in Switzerland to moon over the virginal and bland Mac Browning with whom he shares absolutely no chemistry is about as inexplicable as J.T. Hellstrom being hired as a defective detective's apprentice after voluntarily relinquishing his just as unlikely career as an overnight sensation rock star when his only talent is fondling women's panties at Lauren Fenmore's Little Shop of Horrors.

The Son the Bug Wishes it Had!
May 26, 2004

Stomachs turned. People hurled. Barf-bags were in demand. Not because the slimy Christine 'Bug' Blair was again preparing dinner this week deep inside her love bunker, well, maybe that too, but because the creature had the nerve to tell Phyllis Abbott's son that she, the creepy Bug, considers herself to be the mother Daniel Romalotti never had!

The slime has never oozed so much as it did when washed-up rock star Danny Romalotti told the boy he ripped away from his biological mother that he could tell something was bothering Daniel. At first Daniel didn't want to talk about it, but since the man he calls "dad" had opened the door went ahead and asked the Bug if she had taken him in because she and daddy are burning up the sheets again.

The Bug said yes, that was partly the reason and then was asked why a "smart, pretty and successful" creepy crawler that loves cooking so much isn't married and have children of her own.

Instead of explaining that she's a shallow, empty, mostly worthless slug and can't keep a marriage together for much longer than a year, the Bug said the timing was never right.

"I put my career first," the Bug actually said, and then squirming for a better answer told Daniel that since he's been staying with her she's noticed how he and his father interact. The scenes are so touching she's been laying awake at night pruning her wings thinking how nice it would be to have a family of her own.

And oh my God, that damnable Bug went on to say that Daniel's being at the love bunker makes her feel "like you're the son I never had."

Clearly it's some sort of flaming pagan sorcery, this creature, this bug, having the gall to say that another woman's child, the same child she helped ripped from its mother's arms, is a child she'd like to bond with as her own. Would this be like when two people, one of whom is a married, clueless private eye, get totally loaded on lust and run off to California to have sex on the beach? Is the Bug now saying that she'd like to have a good sanctified hetero marriage? Oh no wait, that can't be right.

As Daniel pointed out, here are two, um, people. One is a man he thinks his Pa and the other a, well, there's no other way to say it, a bug who could have had a baby had they not been so quick to throw away their marriage by cheating on each other.

And what of Phyllis Abbott? Did the Bug resent her, maybe to this day, just a little?

"Your mother is not something I want to discuss with you," the Bug squealed like a stuck pig.

And why not? Was discussing how she stuck a knife directly into Abbott's back not something she was proud of? Was Abbott not responsible for breaking up her marriage? Made the Bug sleep with another man and vice versa? Wouldn't that be something the Bug would have wanted revenge for?

Before the Bug could defend herself Danny hacked up the greenest chunk of bile ever. Most women might have sought revenge, but not the loving Bug! Come to think of it, Danny was suddenly remembering that it was all his fault. He made the mistakes so leave the innocent Bug alone!

"I'm one of those mistakes," Daniel concluded, as Danny tried to shine the whole thing on. What happened back then doesn't matter. Like getting caught cheating, it's easy to flick away the disgust by claiming it only happened once.

Daniel's skin must have been crawling. Knowing that right then he was in the presence of two of Genoa City's most despised snarling subhumans. The kind that see a difference between good torture and bad torture. Look what they've done. Is there any doubt that preventing a boy from knowing his mother is not the worst torture anyone could inflict on a child?

Interesting, really, how difficult it is to track down one pure example of a healthy and beautiful and communicative marriage - isn't it, Danny? Isn't it you slimy bug? We could ask Phyllis, but it looks like she's busy being a nice token slut, smiling that perpetual wooden-mannequin smile off in a corner somewhere in Damon Porter's bed.

All considered, maybe that's why Daniel reached the conclusion: he needs to go back to Switzerland. Get out of Genoa City as fast as his tiny feet or a We Fly You Anywhere Airlines flight can take him.

Romalotti Kid Renews Parental War
May 18, 2004

by Brent Kellogg

Don't you think it's just a little odd that a boy who should be ten - but is now a teenager being given the best schooling money can buy - wouldn't know anything about his own mother? Isn't it odd that he doesn't seem to know that the man claiming to be his father isn't really? Isn't it odder still that the mother perpetuates the lie by constantly referring to the man as the boy's dad?

Doesn't it make you feel all soiled and violated when Daniel Romalotti snickers and hisses like a drunken snake that his mother wouldn't talk to him the first time they met, but now that they are meeting again and she's trying to pry information out of him, he doesn't want to talk? What is wrong with this boy besides the fact that Daniel has apparently found the I Hate My Mama agenda thrown away last year by Mac Browning?

Aren't we tired of Genoa City kids spewing hatred when they should be damn grateful to have parents even slightly interested in their wellbeing? Somebody should yank Daniel by the seat of his pants straight over to Jill Abbott's home. Let him hear that sordid, but important story on the meaning of birth mothers and birth fathers.

At the Athletic Supporter on Tuesday, Phyllis Abbott begged her son to acknowledge that she's his mother.

"No, I'm not. I don't even know you. You're not my mother in any way that matters," an irritated Daniel sniveled like a rabies-infected dog as his mother struggled to get a bit of insight as to what Genoa City's latest and increasingly spoiled brat is all about.

Was sonny-boy into computers like his mother? That's what his "dad" had said. Did Daniel's limited knowledge consist of more than knowing how to turn a computer on? Was Daniel maybe prancing around the Swiss boarding school pretending to be a corporate webmaster?

"Everyone who doesn't live in cave," [knows how to use a computer], the boy sneered, as his mother asked what it's really like going to a boarding school, but did not ask if he might know Kate Valentine or had heard of Nick 'Playboy' Newman or Victoria Newman or so many other alumni from Genoa City.

Noticing too, Daniel's Arnuld-like bulging biceps, Phyllis suspected her son plays sports and wasn't disappointed to learn that Daniel lettered in crew last year, which is one way to say he can row a boat.

Of all Phyllis' questions, this was the most eye-opening. Does Daniel have any friends?

"A few," Daniel muttered, then quickly slammed his mother again for making him spend the holidays with those friends and their families such as the family life he never had.

"I was always looking in from outside," Daniel actually said, like his mother had anything to say about it. Like he couldn't go to his sissified daddy and say, "Pa. Why don't I have a family like my friends? Why do we never visit Genoa City so that I can see if my mother is really unfit like you and that sleepy judge say she is? Why, Pa?"

Phyllis told the rodent she knows it's not good to snatch a baby away from its mother practically at birth, taking it to a foreign country to raise without a mother figure, constantly back-biting the woman who gave the baby birth, pointing fingers and saying your mother is wicked, had to have hurt.

"Do you even know the meaning of that word?" Daniel festered, accusing his mother of "bailing" out on him when he was but a babe in stinky diapers.

Didn't Daniel's arrogance make you want to reach out and crack him? Make you want to heap him on the pile of shame and say listen you repulsive little twerp. We're tired of the ignorance. We're tired of whining kids spouting off about things they no nothing of. Tired of their blaming others for their miserable but want for nothing life-styles.

Fortunately, and unlike the spineless Amanda Hunnicutt who allowed her daughter to walk all over her and humiliate her and make her feel like something you'd find at the bottom of the shower drain, Phyllis told the oozing boil that he had been taken from her with the help of the very creepy, self-righteous Christine 'Bug' Blair. The same filthy hell-beast Daniel now lives with, reached with its claws up from the ground and dragged him under at the request of another creep whom Phyllis did not have the courage to name.

So, unless Daniel couldn't figure out by now, Phyllis told him that he's been lied to. Poisoned all these years by sanctimonious weasels that bitch and moan when they've been lied to, but think it's perfectly okay when they do it. Like the Bug did exactly one year ago when she told the man who raped her that stashing his young son with its grandparents never to be seen again was the right thing to do.

Think Daniel, for a moment, might have said, gosh mother, that nice Christine really did those things? Think he might have wondered who the other person was that conspired to take him away from his own mother? Think he might have been thankful Phyllis couldn't see during his fetal months that he'd turn out to be so hateful and abort him or that he should do a little investigating before he so wantonly sticks a pitchfork in his mother's rear?

No. The kid stormed off more determined to hate. This tid bit of truth shall not deter Daniel. He really really wants this parental war no matter what Phyllis says or how much we protest that we've seen enough.

The Prodigal Son Returns
April 7, 2004

Attention Genoa City residents! Lock up your sons and daughters. Danny Romalotti Junior has returned!

It's true! The practically stolen at birth kid who should be ten-years-old but has since rapidly aged to something like eighteen blew into the megalopolis on Wednesday and was picked up at the city's expansive international airport by the man he calls Pa, washed-up rock star Danny Romalotti.

Within minutes of leaving the airport the father and son team apparently stopped at a local AT&T Wireless store to pick up a cell phone and from there it was off to the bug bunker where Junior will be staying with Pa's former wife and noxious creepy critter, Christine 'Bug' Blair.

Perhaps perturbed by the stench, young Romalotti objected at first. Why must he share the bunker with Blair?

"Isn't that a little weird?" he asked.

The old rocker said no, not at all. Just about everyone in town finds Ms Blair a "lovely person" and surely once Junior gets to know her, he will too.

But that isn't what Junior meant. What he was asking out loud was what many others have been asking behind Pa and the Bug's back.

Isn't it strange that the Bug would want to take care of another woman's son?

Rocking Romalotti agreed. It is, what he called, a bit unorthodox. But in time Junior would find out that Genoa City as a whole is unorthodox. Just make the best of it.

Working from home this day, because she really has no office to go to, the Bug was spinning a cocoon in the bathroom when the boys arrived. Holding out a claw the Bug said it was great to see Junior again and noted that he had aged. Trying to avoid close personal contact with the slimy creature Junior had to be urged on by his pa to shake it.

"How long has it been?" the Bug asked, her memory instantly jolted when Pa said it had been something like, um, "ten or eleven years" since Junior had been taken to Europe as a mere baby. Unable to do the math the Bug could only say how much the kid has grown in such a short period of time.

Looking around the nest Junior noticed that the Bug had practically every CD his daddy had ever recorded. All three of them.

"I'm your father's biggest fan," the Bug oozed while turning five shades of green.

As if he didn't already know that his father and the slime were once married, Junior asked, "So you've known each other for a long time?"

Pa chimed in to say, "You can say that," which, or course, Junior had without getting a clear and concise answer.

Upon learning that the only rule in the bunker is that there is no drinking milk from the carton, Junior asked about the local hot spots; the places where angry teens and adults like himself hang out. As a newcomer, Junior was directed to the Newman Jitter Joint. In time, he, like everyone else in this godforsaken city would graduate to the by membership only Athletic Supporter Club where memberships aren't really checked, where pitchfork-wielding teens and kindergarten kids congregate.

For a father who doesn't work Junior Romalotti must have been impressed when Pa greased his palm with a few greenbacks. Gee, they've both got cell phones, daddy has an all-expenses paid motel room. The royalties from Pa's oldies but goodies vinyl records must be rolling in. So why can't daddy get them a room at the Genoa City Hotel, he did not ask.

With Junior on his way to check out the costs of lattes, Pa Romalotti felt bad. His "son" in town for just an hour and already the lies had begun. He hadn't told the kid that he and the Bug are hitting the sheets again.

"He won't be here long," the Bug squeaked, causing the casual observer to wonder. How would she know how long the kid will be staying at the nest? Will Danny JR find out how she and Pa conspired to screw his mother out of her own son?

And then, even though you honestly swear you're not really paying attention to such tripe because you've got far, far better things to do, dammit, no really you do, like maybe snorting lighter fluid or demange-ing the cats, deep down you wish it were true that Romalotti will get the payback he so deserves and maybe just once will feel the pain Phyllis Abbott must have felt the day Romalotti stole her son.

No Rooms At The Inn?
March 22, 2004

by Vicki Johns

Genoa City, Wisconsin, home to one of the largest conglomerates in the world, Newman Enterprises, and base of Jabot Cosmetics, long-time manufacturer of chemicals designed to dehydrate, pollute and contaminate people's skin, is suffering from a shortage of hotel rooms. Hard to believe such an event could occur, at this, the end of March, when the temperature barely reaches 35 degrees centigrade in the five hours of daylight this city enjoys. But who's to say? Maybe that Spring Equinox Snow Bunny & Cheese Festival is just too much for surrounding folks to resist.

All of which causes a big problem, because yes, Daniel Romalotti Jr. is coming to town and it appears there is no room at any of the inns.

Of course, there's plenty of room inside the Athletic Club suite of Danny Romalotti Sr., who's clearly ignorant of the fact his future earnings are about as abundant as his play dates at Madison Square Garden. And this spoiled, teenaged kid he claims is his deserves his own suite of rooms? What, the Athletic Club does not have a good old-fashioned roll-a-way? Surely, they must have somewhere for the illegal Mexican immigrants, who mop up the sweat of Genoa City's rich and famous from the Stairmasters and wash dishes and towels for 16 hours a day, to sleep.

For example, there's that sleazy hotel at which Cameron Kirsten got himself killed, but that would seem highly unsuitable for the progeny of a washed-up, one-hit wonder like Danny Romalotti. No doubt, there are probably plenty of rooms at that lovely establishment. And, from what the hotel clerk said that night, sounds like there are lots of whores-for-hire around the joint. Danny Jr. surely doesn't seem like the type that would object to that kind of environment. Plus, if his mother, Phyllis Abbott really got on his nerves, he could just knock her off and dump her body behind the dumpster.

Considering this tragic turn of events, where shall Daniel Jr. stay? Hmm, could he possibly stay with his father's sister, Gina Roma? Or is her six-room suite at the Athletic Club too small? What about the Abbott mansion? Only Jack and John Abbott and their squatting houseguest, Mamie Johnson occupy the upstairs bedrooms. There's a Mexican maid, but she uses a roll-a-way in the kitchen. Since Gina occasionally squats there too, she might want to get her octogenarian boyfriend John to agree to tolerate the lad for a while in Colleen Carlton's old room.

If the Abbott home is too crowded there's the 48-room Chancellor estate, where Danny Jr.'s own grandfather once lived. But if any of those very valid options were exercised, that would mean that Auntie Cricket 'Bug' Blair could not get to save the day and play saint, solver-of-all-problems, and mother hen to the boy.

Has idiot Danny Sr. not thought for one second about how this all looks? Has he not learned from the pillow-talks during the time he's been inhabiting the other side of the Bug's bed that in the last year she's been engaged to her business partner, slept with one married ex-husband, and now has recycled another? This is a woman who could be categorized as exercising any amount of moral restraint?

Could be, though, that once Danny Jr. finds out about the curtain rod stuck up Auntie Cricket's behind, he'll be begging to go anywhere else – including his biological mother's hotel suite. No doubt, Phyllis Abbott would find somewhere in that six-room suite for the boy – no doubt at all. And if all else fails there's a round mattress in the Colonnade Room basement.

More Children of the Corn
March 11, 2004

by Brent Kellogg

How many more angry children can there be in Genoa City? Aren't the streets already crawling with teens who never got to know either one or both of their parents, swore they'd never want to meet them but eventually did, swore they'd never bond with them, but did?

Mac Browning is one recent example. This was a teenaged girl who ran away from home because she was allegedly being sexually harassed by a perverted step-father. And since Browning's mother did nothing to stop the sexual come-ons by the slugs on seventh avenue, Mac was angry at her too. No matter how hard Amanda Hunnicutt tried to make amends, she was eventually outcast by her own daughter.

Then there was Lily Winters. Spoiled by her mother in Paris, Ms Winters was said to be out of control and needed the firm guidance of a father who had not seen her since she was but a babe in diapers known as "Boo Boo Bear."

Lily returned to Genoa City, swore up and down she'd never bond with Neil Winters, but in the end did exactly that.

There was Danny Romalotti too. He had to accept that his father (Rex Sterling) was a crook and eventually made his peace. There was Cricket Blair, whose long-lost mother died of AIDS, and whose father she only got to know for a brief time before he wandered out of her life again.

There's Victor Newman Jr. Stuck on a farm in Kansas with his blind mother, little Victor has no idea Victor Newman is his father because Hope Adams Newman Wilson wants it that way.

There's Cassie Newman. Raised by an old woman who lived in a shoe, Cassie was given up to two complete strangers who swept her away to a life of milk and honey and eventually hooked her up with her mother, Sharon Newman. At first, Cassie swooned. Oh, how she so much wanted to be part of the Newman family. But the first time something didn't go her way, Cassie threw a fit and called her mother a bitch. To this day mother and daughter's relationship is shaky.

Katherine Sterling also comes to mind. For nearly fifty years she hadn't lifted a finger to find out who that baby was she had given away, discouraged Jill Abbott from finding out, and when the truth came out suddenly had this massive need to bond with Jill. When Jill didn't reciprocate, Katherine turned to the bottle.

And now there's Danny Romalotti Jr. Practically stolen at birth, Daniel has come to call the man who kidnapped him "dad" and dad obligingly calls him, "son." For years Daniel has had every chance to find out about his mother, yet has shown no concern. All Daniel knows is that his mother wants nothing to do with him and he wants nothing to do with her. Now there's all this fuss over whether the two will meet when Daniel arrives in Genoa City soon.

It does not matter to Daniel that he has a real father. Apparently, Danny is the only father a boy like Daniel needs so he can disregard the biological one.

There are no words to describe how utterly ridiculous these scenarios are. Provided they are normal, children raised by wolves will one day want to know about their real parents. If they doesn't get sufficient answers from those raising them, they'll throw massive tantrums until a meeting is arranged.

At that time a child, say a male, may discover that the parents did not want him. Forcing them to take him back will only result in more pain. From here, the boy goes on to make the most of a bad situation.

These children do not sit around and whine. They do not grumble that mommy or daddy doesn't care about them or excrete bile.

But here again, in the case of Romalotti we have a kid who has no idea why his mother hasn't seen him. He does not know the truth about a repugnant Aunt Gina Roma who has done everything in her power to keep mother and son apart. He does not know how "daddy" ripped him out of the arms of his mother.

For Danny Romalotti to be oozing now that he's trying to fix up mother and son is shameful. To be making Daniel out as another spoiled and angry teen is repulsive. When the truth comes out Daniel should strap Danny and Gina down on a dead tree stump, nail their sexual organs to it and hurl them over a giant waterfall.