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Newman to Empower Wife's Uterus?

July 21, 2004

Oh Boy! That Nick Newman. What a guy, standing up to the plate and all. Willing to do anything to save his wife from a life in prison and continually making a fool of himself.

As if Nick and his slutty wife have not rehashed what's happening to their happy life to death, except for taking a moment out for some sticky sex, they were at it again Wednesday at the Newman Ponderosa outhouse.

There, still wiping up, Sharon said she's ready to hear Nick's wondrous idea to take Cameron Kirsten down. Nick quickly reminded the slut that he shouldn't have said idea because that implies he has a plan and, well, he doesn't really have either.

"That's a start," Sharon burped, as if she didn't understand a word Nick said. An idea does not a plan make.

Because he doesn't have either a plan or an idea Nick said that playing Kirsten's game isn't getting them anywhere.

Again, Sharon didn't get it. What?

Nick spelled it out. Why, a child of four could see that Kirsten planted Frank Barrett's body, apparently scrawled the name 'Sharon' in blood and that this is what Nick called, "a bulletproof setup."

With the deck stacked against them there is no way the Newmans will be able to convince police to "beat the truth" out of Kirsten as if maybe the cops in this town now employ tactics used at Abu Ghurayb.

Her lop-sided head bobbing around from side to side, Sharon asked whether this meant they should take another approach at getting their man.

Yup, Sharon was gul-durned right. Does she really think Kirsten wants to see her locked up?

Sharon was confused. Damn, didn't Nick just say that Kirsten is trying to frame her?

Well, yeah. He did. But what he says and what he means are three different things. Kirsten doesn't want to destroy Sharon, he wants to control her! See? There is a difference.

And too in Nick's mind, Kirsten has now officially become "a dangerous man."

Gul-dangit, Nick is right. "That's why he's out to destroy me," Sharon said. No, really. She said this! She didn't hear Nick just say that Kirsten doesn't want to destroy her; that he wants to control her.

As to how this entire moronic monologue made any sense, Nick said he had it all figured out. Kirsten thinks he can get anything or anyone he wants and therefore they, the brilliant Newmans, must use this weakness to their advantage.

Immediately, the first thing that came to Sharon's warped mind was - sex! Does Nick want his wife to spread her legs again for Kirsten? Is that the plan, or idea, oh never mind. God knows, she's willing.

Nick said no. At least, not right now. Before he allows Sharon to empower her uterus he wants to think it through. They can't risk blowing themselves out of the water at this critical stage as though they hadn't done so a million times already.

In a related and stunning development, Nikki Newman gave the belated details of Sharon's arrest to her husband, but not without impressing upon the great Victor Newman that Sharon could never have committed a crime.

"Of course she didn't. How could she?" Victor mumbled, without knowing a single fact of the case.

After she had run down all the gory details, including how she conspired to move a dead body, Victor scolded her for not calling the Protector. Doesn't Nikki know that he'd do anything to protect his precious clan?

Nikki said she couldn't. Their darling son had to prove his worthiness by saving Sharon all by his lonesome.

A light over Victor's head flickered on and off. So that it! That's why Nick hasn't been at the Newman Memorial Center helping his daddy work off his debt to society. Not that it mattered, as Victor hasn't been at the job site for weeks. So who killed Frank Barrett? Why, Cameron Kirsten of course! That Kirsten better watch his ass. The Black Knight just may have to pay him a visit. Throw the fear of God into him.

Nikki cautioned against it. Anything Victor might do now could only ruin any chance Sharon has of getting out of the mess. Better to leave the hole digging to their back-stabbing son.

It was at that moment that the last shred of credibility, if there was one to be found desperately clinging to this idiotic story, was blown to smithereens.

Despite the many times what has been called a most dangerous man had scared the bejesus out of her, Sharon went back, alone, to see Kirsten at his hotel room.

As the smell of rot singed your intuitive nose hairs again you had to ask. What in the freaking hell am I doing watching this crap? Why am I watching Nick scrunch his face all tight and furrow his brow and wag his finger and say things like, my job is to, like, think beyond the immediate and Sharon actually imply that she'd willingly have sex with Kirsten again much the way Jack Abbott had sex with Diane Jenkins so as to free Phyllis Abbott from jail and convict Jenkins for the Abbott poolhouse fire. Oh wait.

It is the eternal conundrum. How to appear sort of blank faced and ignorant of the true atrocities so as to avoid any sort of direct accountability, and yet still pretend to be savvy, aware, tough-guys and gals who get things done and take no bull.

Need more proof?

Remember when the least little flare up would send Sharon running to her mother? Why hasn't BoreUs Collins been seen? Wouldn't she be concerned that her daughter is facing a murder charge?